Perhaps he doesn't know what the issue was that you two were arguing over and perhaps he really doesn't care. Perhaps all he cares about is the way (i.e. the tone and the words) you fought with his son.
Perhaps in his relationship with his wife disagreements were not handled that way.
Perhaps he feels that you are acting outside the boundaries of a wife and he feels that this is not good for his son's future.
I could list a bunch more potential "perhaps".......
The point here is that you are dealing with a number of issues at play:
Communication gap, perhaps in language and definitely in terms of physical distance.
Generation gap. Times have changed from when our parents were engaged and now.
Gap in upbringing. You may have grown up in a totally different family environment than he has. You may see the FIL as meddling and his position may be that he is peace-keeping.
Missing opinions. Your fiance has not gotten involved or has decided that he wants you to resolve this yourself. He may just want you to establish your own relationship with his family. Who knows?
There are so many variables here.
Giving up at this stage and returning the ring will just match one person's (FIL's) insecurity for another person's (yours').
It would be the better thing to attempt to find a way through and make a place in FIL's heart for yourself. It really isn't as difficult as it appears.
Rome was not built in a day. Hmmm …happy marriage is not served on a silver platter. Relationships take time, energy, constant effort, tolerance, patience. Initially there is a lot of friction and fire. People from different backgrounds, different upbringing, different lifestyles, different expectations .. come in close contact and then they collide head-on. Eventually, all parties find some middle ground, fire and dust settles, harmony sets in, and they live happily ever after. Moral of the story: if your FIL likes to interfere, let him be, he has never dealt with a Bahu, he will take his sweet time to learn the dynamics of this new relationship. This too shall pass …. Patiently perserve. Once this pass, you may face some other issues in your marriage, like your husband snores, and your kids don’t like vegetables, and your MIL is a meethi chhuri.
who says you have to sacrifice or compromise...if you don't want to don't... apne in laws k munh na lago...talk about your boundaries, your concerncs and issues with your partner tell him what is and isnt acceptable to you....and deal with it through him
I don't think anybody makes compromises that are unwarranted for but to keep a family intact sometimes you need to. Shes going into a new family obviously their family dynamics are different than what shes used to. They have their own values and rules. The desicion is hers she knows more than any of us about whats going to work in their family and what isn't, and if she doesn't she'll soon learn, compromise its just another way of approaching the situation. I just believe you should be the best you can be, and if people can't see that then there is something wrong with them and not you.
It just sounds like the FIL has a challenging personality, and it plays out in other situations too not just with her. I don't feel like this is a unique case for him, thats why I suggested she might have to tolerate him in general. He can stay like this, and you will be the better person in dealing with it fairly and calmly, and if you stay consistent he might even regret this one day.
I do agree with the fact that you need to be good on the communications level with your man though, he shouldn't be kept in the dark, he knows his family and he knows you he has a comprehensive view better than any of us, he should be helping you accomodate into the family and not be alienating you. Hes your best answer in all of this, and communication is the key, I think you'll find your answers in him.
Parents should not be interfering so much between two adults who are mutually committing to a relationship.
Whether to run or not, is up to you. Everyone will give you their two cents here. Some women would tolerate intrusive family members, others will not.
YOU get to make a choice though. YOU get to decide if that's what you want.
But don't expect that this behavior from your in-laws will change after marriage, or somehow your fiance will find the guts to ask him parents to step aside and let him handle his own conflicts.
You will get exactly what you're seeing before your eyes. So be very careful when you make your decision, because YOU have to live with it. None of the posters will have to deal with them. YOU have to deal with them.
Have you tried getting your parents involved? Parent-to-parent discussion? Or a family meeting - where you sit down with your parents, him, and his parents, and talk about what happened. Clear up any misunderstandings.
I mean, if you really want my opinion, sounds to me this family is bad news. Sounds to me like FIL and MIL will continue interfering. And you need to figure out what they mean about you sending your resumes around here, because there ARE some families who expect their kids and kids' spouses to provide for them. That's something you need to clear up immediately before this thing goes any further. Are they looking for a cash cow?
Set boundaries first. Always set boundaries first. You have a right to the boundaries that make you comfortable. You don't need an intrusive FIL if you really don't want one.
But don't expect people to change their behavior after marriage. What you are seeing is exactly what you're going to get.
What kind of people are we breeding if the advice is to "run" at the first sign of trouble?
What happened to caring about someone so much that you would endure anything for him?
Why can't we look at his parents as folks that are just as weary of what their son may have gotten himself into?
When things are good before marriage, or there is barely any engagement period that there's no chance for anything to come up, and things start to go sour after the wedding---THEN i fully advocate working it out to the best of your ability. RUnning away should NOT be the first option..
However, when you're only engaged, when there's no legal documentation (nikkah etc), then wat is keeping you together?
"I love you" is clearly not enough to keep a relationship going, else so many couples wouldn't divorce.
I don't think its "running away" when the fiance and in laws (on both ends) are causing severe troubles within teh couple. Its just protecting yourself.
Munza - how can you say the wife does not come first but the parents do? There shouldn't need to be that sort of competition anyway. In any case if he has to decide on who comes first, it should be his wife. He is the one who has to live with her, she will bear his children if they decide to have any and they will grow in to old age together. Yes parents are important, but if they're interfering in to their relationship before they're even married then there are clearly going to be issues.
I don't get why parents can't just get their kids married and let them live their lives. I feel sorry for the people who's parents think they have a right to question and challenge everything going on in their childs life. As one poster said - they don't live and they don't let live!
To the opening poster, is this really what you want in a marriage? Do you want a husband who can't even tell his parents to mind their business if you guys have a little tiff? Or someone who can't even stick up for you? You need to have a serious think about it before you move across the globe and find those people in your life 24/7 and your a thousand miles from your own family.
In this thread we can find the answer to all of the threads we have on-going.
Girls and some girly men with western bug in their buttocks are throwing western garbage to the problem - by advising to "talk back" to the inlaws. Dumbest thing to do ever.
Whereas those brought up in the east have advised and wisely so - to respect the inlaws and not to engage in this pointless wrestling of egos.
Conclusion: most desi girls brought up in the west are confused and are unable to find a balance between the eastern values so dear to us and the western garbage that leads up to broken homes and families.
So...exactly at what point do in-laws respect their bahu's and their respective families? Or is it just the girl's family who has to walk on eggshells?
exactly my point :k:
cuz engagement really has no legal or any value in Islam. then what is a point to face all this drama especially from FIL, and your future spouse is not ready to help you.
In this thread we can find the answer to all of the threads we have on-going.
Girls and some girly men with western bug in their buttocks are throwing western garbage to the problem - by advising to "talk back" to the inlaws. Dumbest thing to do ever.
Whereas those brought up in the east have advised and wisely so - to respect the inlaws and not to engage in this pointless wrestling of egos.
Conclusion: most desi girls brought up in the west are confused and are unable to find a balance between the eastern values so dear to us and the western garbage that leads up to broken homes and families.
And thus allow you to be the Big Daddy of all the women in your life. Grow some balls and get that stick out of your ass and earn the respect by giving it first.
People who do not have extremely annoying and meddling inlaws have no idea how annoying and frustrating it can be ESP if youre a private person.
The fact that your fiance is the only son means that his parents are very attached to him and want to be involved in all aspects of his life. Some parents just do NOT know when to back off and to give space, and THAT is rude and disrespectful to the incoming new member. If you really love him and want to be with him, then youre gonna have to work real hard at this. Do not ever disrespect them, you dont want that to come back and bite you later on. Don't lower yourself down. Find a nice but firm way to get your point across that they need to mind their own business and the only person who can really help you with that is your fiance. As appealing and nice the word sacrifice sound, sometimes you just have to find a way around it so that people dont walk all over you. You're not the only person who needs to make her place in their family or make compromises, inlaws need to do that too.
Any WISE elder would know that when a couple is having an argument/fight a third person should not interfere and especially when s/he doesn't know what they're fighting about!
it annoys me when the bahu is expected and asked to try and fit in, and make compromises. just because his parents are older, they get away with acting all nosey and annoying? i dont know why the nicest people become so weird when their sons are married off.
In this thread we can find the answer to all of the threads we have on-going.
Girls and some girly men with western bug in their buttocks are throwing western garbage to the problem - by advising to "talk back" to the inlaws. Dumbest thing to do ever.
Whereas those brought up in the east have advised and wisely so - to respect the inlaws and not to engage in this pointless wrestling of egos.
Conclusion: most desi girls brought up in the west are confused and are unable to find a balance between the eastern values so dear to us and the western garbage that leads up to broken homes and families.
okay so why don't you propose a solution to her problem?
Your fiance needs to be more of a man! when his parents STARTED interfering (before you got enaged), he could've politely yet firmly told them that he is serious about you and that they need to respect your relationship. That way it wouldn't have progressed to this in the first place. But obviously your fiance hasn't been clear about setting limits since his parents are becoming more obnoxious and overbearing with time.
I definitely think one should respect in-laws, but self-respect is important too; and you are damaging your own, if you just accept your in-laws rude attitude (FIL saying he wants the ring back-wtf?). He would definitely not say this to a Pakistani girl because he would be scared of her fathers, brothers, uncles, etc. around her. He is just talking like this because you are an 'independent agent' rather than having your parents 'broker' the marriage. Maybe they have their heart set on a Pakistani girl and are doing their best to foster fighting between you and your man.
Whatever the case, you need to give your man an ultimatum-he needs to ensure that his parents give you respect, otherwise you guys are OVER. be FIRM about it. i have a feeling you've been way too wishy washy with the fiance, and he in turn, is the same way with his parents. you can also add that you would like a great relationship with them, you are willing to adjust for him, BUT that you need x, y, z. clear terms =better arrangements, both in business and in life.
okay so why don't you propose a solution to her problem?
She is asking the wrong questions "how do I get my fiance to take my side and not his parents. Its an ego match which is pointless and stupid.
You cant expect to undo years of up-bringing and thinking - in one post. I wish I could pull that miracle - but I cant. Her fiance's family would benefit from staying away from this mess.
thank for your replies so far. Well, I have talked to my fiance yesterday and told him that I am not going to talk to his father.
If someone should talk to him and set boundaries, then it should be him! Well he told me that he already had a convo with him and made it clear that he should not
call me and do thigs behind his back first of all. And he also said to me not to take things to my heart because sometimes when his dad is pissed off he
does whatever he wants. And this time I should not out to much importance to what he said.
Well, but how shall I deal with it? I mean what if he really will not accept me as his Bahu later and make stupid comments?
I can not always act like it doesn´t hurt me. My fiance told me that he wants to marry me no matter what his father thinks.
But I wish he could only once make clear to his parents, especially his father, what I and this relationship means to him.