I had a big argument with future-in-laws

Lifestyle Relationships
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Dear all,

i am engaged and in a longdistance relationship. I live in Spain and my fiance in USA. Me and my fiance have a really good relationship, the only - but very big problem - are his parents!! They interfere in almost everything. My fiance and I only get to see each other twice in a year. And when we hang out his mom keeps calling him on his cellphone almost every two hours. Which is realy annoying. And his dad is the one who actually wants ta take all the decision in our relationship. And all his parents care about is money. They have already told me many times to send my resumees to the companys in the states, so that right after we get married, I can start to work and bring money home! I was pissed when they said so. I mean after all, I will give up everything, to move to the states to marry my fiance. How can they then even put that much extra pressure on me?
Well about two weeks something really big happenend. Me and my fiance had a big argument. And while he was talking to me on the phone his mom heard somehow our conversation and how we were arguing. So later that day his dad called me on my work number to give me a lecture how I dare to talk like that to his son…and if I again dare to talk to him like that he wants the engagement ring back!!! My FIL said that to me on the phone. I was so shocked and pissed the same time how he could say something like that and why he is again interfering. When I saked him if he actually know why and wat we had the argument about, he couldn´t give me any answer. So I politely told him please not to interfere then, cause it is something between me and my fiance… My FIL got really mad and started to give a lecture that I have no manners and all that…and that I don´t to come for marriage now! So after that phone call I called my fiance, he said he was not at home, when his dad called me. nd when I asked him to talk to his dad..he said since he was not there, he doesn´t need to solve it. I have to do it by myself. I think he is scared to talk to his dad and tell him to not interfere in our personal matters since he also couldn´t do it in the past.

Wha do you think guy`s? Did I do anything wrong? And how shall I deal with his parents in the future ? I really want to marry my fiance, because we love each other a lot. But how I can bring him to stand up for me and take my side in front of his parents. I mean after marriage a wife should come first, right? and should not be the third wheel… please help me!!! Thank you.

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

Angel05, dealing with your in laws is a very sensitive issue. You have to understand that while you are going to be your fiance's wife, his parents will always remain his parents and will expect some degree of respect from you, and a lot from him. See parents work hard raising their children and it is hard for them to "release" their sons to their bahus without some hesitation because you have to admit that we girls like to "own" our men from day 1 and expect him to become an expert in the balancing act from the minute we get into a relationship.

Instead of being rude to your in laws, you should politely share your feelings with your fiance and he can deal with his family in a way which he finds appropriate. Don't start off with a shaky foundation because matters like these can seriously cloud your heart.

Regarding money, by you working wouldn't it be an asset to your family or are your in laws planning to take your income away from you? I can understand that your probably don't like their way of communicating their excitement over your earning potential but let it be. If you like your fiance, have faith in him and try to iron out the kinks.

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

No.....the wife does not come first. The parents do....as they should.
How can you ask that of someone?
Is that how you would want your bhabhi to behave with your own parents?

If the father took the initiative to call you and question you about an argument then accept that as his way of showing his care and concern for you and your future husband's relationship. Follow suit and call him up when you have some time and are calmer.

Tell him that you were unable to properly address his questions about the argument from work and that you would like an opportunity to discuss the situation with him as you respect his wisdom and hope to continue to benefit from it.

Why do girls make this into a question of "who comes first?" ?????
Why?

ٹائم پاس ماہ جون - Time Pass June 2014 - الوقت ممر يونيو
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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

I would recommend you do not get into a dialogue with your FIL. Let your parents deal with his parents directly. I am not sure what the background of this rishta is but seems like a very controlling family. Is he the only son?

For the father in law to get involved seems a bit odd.

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

tehy dont want u as their DIL. so i will suggest dont marry there.
i think they already have a better option than u.

its better to end this thing and then get yourself involve for the rest of your life in constant bickering.

Wedding Speech
Wedding Speech
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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

*Im sorry, but if your fiance, isn't standing up for you right now, do you really think he's going to after marriage. And the best part is that its more imp for him to stand up right now, because there is no reason you to have to talk to his dad on the phone, atleast after your married, his family is your family, so you can fight for yourself. *

The only person who make your relationship better with your inlaws is your fiance! Even if your parents come in and defend you, why should your inlaws care????

I'm sure you love him a lot, but just think abt this before jumping in.

Good Luck

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

Try not to argue before marriage please

Steer clear of the inlaws

Why are you talking to your FIL on the phone in the first place? I dont understand this at all

If these people are really intrusive, think twice before you go through with this please.

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

This is the first time ever I am hearing that the Father got on the phone with the future DIL - on issues between couple.

That itself is for you to know "run while you can"...

Imagine after marriage, your FIL with be the third person interfering with personal conversations. I mean that's just way too much.

Remember the FIL won't mind you talking any which way you want with his son as long as you are not engaged or married. Once you are engaged - you are trapped in the fist of the palm. Good luck.

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

What kind of people are we breeding if the advice is to "run" at the first sign of trouble?
What happened to caring about someone so much that you would endure anything for him?

Why can't we look at his parents as folks that are just as weary of what their son may have gotten himself into?

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Hence the state of our society these days. No tolerance. Too many unrealistic expectations.

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Different people have different concepts of appropriate boundaries. Your fiance's parents apparently feel that they are entitled to be very involved in your relationship. They are not likely to change too much--they've probably been living this way for nearly 50 years. If you resist you're likely to just cause more bitterness.

As much as I believe in love, love is not enough in a marriage. You have to have a very solid foundation of shared beliefs, goals and values. If you do not share your fiance's family values vis a vis boundaries (when and to what extent they can be involved in your marital relationship), it will be an enormous irritant in your relationship and will in one way or another affect many areas of your life. You need to honestly assess whether it's possible for you to come to some common ground on this issue, and if you can't, it's going to be very, very difficult.

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The poster does not seem like she is a Pakistani. Her future in-laws behavior support fully that because of that they are MORE wary... They might be concerned that if the person is from other culture - especially a girl - then how will she teach her kids to be a Pakistani? They do not want to lose their cultural value.

If the poster is a Pakistani in Spain - then let me know - so I know that the parents are not being indifferent to where the girl is from.

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

thank you for your replies!! let me answer your questions:
To Niksik: Well, I was not rude with my father-in-law on the phone when he called me. But when he asked back for the engagement ring, I got really shocked. That´s why I asked him, if he actually knew why me and his son had an argument, and he had no answer for me.... so, I felt it was then not okay to interfere, because he was just blaming me - but didn´t actually know why. that´s not fair.
To Muzna: When I said a wife should come first..I mean, when your parents-in-law argue with you or insult you, should your husband not stand up for you? Don´t you think at least he should have asked once his father why he called me at work and not at my house in front of my parents if he was upset with something?

To funguy: yes he is the only son. I myself also have only one brother, so I know exactly what his responsibilities are and what his parents expect from him. Although I was pissed off many times by his parents controlling and interfering behaviour, I have not said anything to them directly, because this would have only caused problems. But I have talked with my fiance about how I feel about that many times .
I don´t think it´s right to talk to my FIL as my fiance told me. I think he should talk to him, because he is his father. And he called me ...and made this thing so big.

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

question: have they always been like this, or they only jump in when you guys fight?
did you know about this from the beginning?
have you argued with your fiance in front of your inlaws before?

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

Okay, Im not saying to run at the first sign of trouble...but its got to be scary going into a relationship where the inlaws have so much control they can call their DIL and tell her off if their son cries because she is being mean to him!

The interfering inlaws are very very hard to deal with...they dont live or let live.

However, if OP is really in love and wants to work it out I guess she can try to avoid arguments for now at all cost. She can avoid the inlaws and just try to keep the peace.

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

I honestly think that she needs to take STRONG stance here and test out the waters completely before marriage. She should tell her fiance that the way the FIL talked to her is NOT ACCEPTABLE and she foresees lots of issues down the road. So she would like to send back the engagement ring that the FIL asked for.

I bet you the FIL will drop his controlling attitude and change tone fast. If he does then you can also sincerely accept his apology and move on. If he doesn't then I guess they fail the litmus test and you really need to re-think your options.

All this advice from some that you should give respect to FIL is bullsheet. It's a sign you can not ignore. Respect is earned and it seems like this man wasn't taught by his mother or his wife. May be the future DIL can teach him a lesson.

It's an age old desi pressure tactic of putting their foot down on DILs. You need to fight it out in a civil manner.

Benazir Bhutto's statue at Boat Basin
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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

hi chanda_kh,

well they have always been stingy...and interfered a few times (especially his dad) when it was about sending the resumee etc... and no, we have never fought in front of them. even that day when we both were arguing on the phone, how could I know that his mom is listening on the other side. and even when she did...before his dad called me to insult me he should have asked his son once, what actually happened. I can understand that it´s hard for my fiance to tell his dad he should not interfere or cross the limits (by asking back the engagement ring), but he should also not tolerate his behavior because he is causing so many problems with his interference.And at least my fiance should tell him that in the future he doesn´t want him to take any steps without asking him when it comes to me and our relationship, my fiance is 30 years old.

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From what you've given us it sounds like your FIL has some boundary issues, and a very brash approach to dealing with conflicts. However, you can't change your fiance or in-laws you can only change yourself. Maybe you can implement coping strategies, I feel like your father-in-law may have felt offended albeit you may have been in the right, maybe you can react in a more sensitive manner provided that he's father figure to you now.

Your going to be confronted with oonch neech where ever you go, life is not perfect, neither are you, and nor are they, and you learn from experience. Suggesting you leave for another family or man is an extreme option because what makes you think you won't face any dissatisfaction in the new family. However if it esculates from this then maybe you have some desicions to make. ,

As for now learning to cope with family arguments is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself if you want to stay in this relationship. You might end up compromising (and making sacrifices) but thats what marriage is all about.

Maybe here are these questions you can think about

what would you do if you were to receive another phone call like that? What do you wish you had done differently? what are some ways you can prevent this from happening in the future?

Do communicate with your fiance to let him know what you felt, he should know how both parties feel. Just be like look I'm sorry about what happened, this is how I was feeling, how do you feel about that? This way you can assess what he feels went wrong, he can see what you felt was wrong, and you and him work on that together on how to mend.

Its hard to change people as it is and hes an old man its hard to develop a new personality, your going to have to tolerate him. You may learn that your fiance is already tolerating him in some aspects its something you may not be aware of.

To be culturally sensitive I know in my family an elder desi to be told they are wrong will get defensive and be deeply offended. You might want to take that into account and just apologize, it will make you like the greater person.

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

I dunno it rubs me the wrong way when people tell you to run. Let me tell you why. I am nikkah-fied and have lot of interference from my in-laws my FIL is not alive but we get much interference from my MIL. My hubby is her son so whatever his mom says has an effect on him ...n sometimes he fights with me because of something his mom said that influenced him .... and he doesnt know it and usually I dont know it at that time I find out later from one of his own cousins that that's what happened...so what am I supposed to do? would you guys give me the same advice to walk out?

running away isnt the solution to any problem ....standing up for your rights and fighting for them...setting up boundaries and discussing those with your life partner (to-be) is the way to solve problems...

TuQ Arrival
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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

who says you have to sacrifice or compromise...if you don't want to don't... apne in laws k munh na lago...talk about your boundaries, your concerncs and issues with your partner tell him what is and isnt acceptable to you....and deal with it through him