I got thrown out of home ...now what?

STA · February 8, 2012, 9:34pm

Re: I got thrown out of home …now what?

Now I’ll say something to you (OP) that no one else has bothered saying. If you were my best friend, I would have forced you to snap out of it and would have told you to snip it at the roots, before it became a bud and blossomed. This has OBVIOUSLY clouded your religious beliefs, made you confused and blind. This has caused problems with your parents!! Forget religion or being a Muslim, what kind of a daughter are you? I would NEVER do something against my parents wishes and HELLOOOOOO! Marriage is such a HUGE thing. When a daughter is born, the parents start planning for her future and save up. Go through hardships and do god knows what to raise her with dignity and respect in the community and in return they have basic few expectations and they full well have the right to have them! What gives you the right to humiliate them, hurt them and cause them distress like this? What have you done for your parents?

Let me tell you this. I was deeply in love with a Hindu guy. Yes, just like you I met him in University. (Undergrad).** I am not far off your age group either, I am 22. So in age, I am just like you too.** He was in love with me as well. We initially were the best of friends. Yes, religion was not an issue in the beginning because who cares about religion when you are just hanging out etc right? No one does. However, we both realised around the same time, that things will become complicated when it came to marriage. I am alhumdullilah a Muslim and he was/is a staunch Brahmin Hindu. He wasn’t willing to convert and I wasn’t willing to convert. Our beliefs didn’t match. My nature is, I cannot talk to or befriend people that go completely against my belief system, so how could I marry someone like that? We both had a mature talk, where we decided mutually that even though we love each other, this isn’t feasible. This would be sheer stupidity, since my family would probably say NO and his family had already said no. We both came to the conclusion that marriage could not be on the cards, so why ‘hang around’ with one another.

Slowly, we both distanced ourselves from one another and pretended to be friends, but even that faded away. Hardly have talked to him in 6 months. I could never have married him, no matter how much I love him, because for me, my love for my mother is greater than my love for anyone else. I can never hurt her. Plus for me, my religion and belief is really important. My advice to you would be, seriously think this through. Have a serious discussion with your boy friend about the future plans. This does not look good that his mother and family are not forthcoming. Would he be able to live away from his parents/mum in the case that you both get married and she stops talking to him? There are so many questions that you seriously have to think over here and answer in your head, before you can even take such a radical and big step such as marriage, that also to someone from an other religion.

hence proved.

Dubaiwali · February 8, 2012, 9:36pm

Re: I got thrown out of home ...now what?

Yes STA, you are the most wisest one of all. bows

farimasait · February 8, 2012, 9:36pm

Re: I got thrown out of home ...now what?

To Sahar02,
Sorry it came across that way, but I did not intend to decline responsibility nor do I expect anyone to make excuses for my actions or justify them. The title of the thread was just that .. tips on how to approach them now. Please don't read too much into it. I'm not looking for a get out of jail free card.

Since there were quite a few posts which basically said - Don't you know this is wrong? How are you not afraid of hellfire? etc..
I thought I would put across my perspective/take on the religio-spiritual dimension that's all to show why I didn't think of it that way. The expectation is not that everyone else should fall in line with my argument.

farimasait · February 8, 2012, 9:40pm

Re: I got thrown out of home ...now what?

Dubaiwali,
Ok sorry, I misunderstood. I thought you said in your post that you couldn't befriend anyone with vastly different views or beliefs.

S02 · February 8, 2012, 9:43pm

Re: I got thrown out of home ...now what?

farimasait: I get that. I don't think you're a bad person for falling in love with and wanting to marry a Hindu man. From what you have told us, he sounds like a great guy. Just don't make it seem like there aren't other great guys out there (who happen to be Muslim). You are marrying this man, who happens to be Hindu, because you fell in love with each other and the religious constraints are not a concern to you. Not because you couldn't find a decent Muslim.

farimasait · February 8, 2012, 9:44pm

Re: I got thrown out of home ...now what?

That's a fair reading, yes...

STA · February 8, 2012, 9:45pm

Re: I got thrown out of home ...now what?

farimasait: I dont know how you were brought up, because it matters a lot. I could not see tears in my parents eyes. I would never go against the wishes of my family if I were in your situation, no matter how awesome the guy was.

S02 · February 8, 2012, 9:49pm

Re: I got thrown out of home ...now what?

Okay, and I assume you are definitely marrying him, right?

So the question now is how to make your family (and his?) accept that...?

farimasait · February 8, 2012, 9:55pm

Re: I got thrown out of home ...now what?

That's right. Definitely am.

farimasait · February 8, 2012, 9:58pm

Re: I got thrown out of home ...now what?

What does that mean STA - never go against? For example, would you marry a man your parents chose for you even if you didn't like him? Would you choose an education or career that your parents wanted for you even if your own inclinations were elsewhere?
If so, then good for you...

M_was_here · February 8, 2012, 10:01pm

Re: I got thrown out of home ...now what?

Since you're both Indian, you already have another thing on your side. I know Hindu-Muslims weddings are frowned upon in both Pakistan and India but when there is common ground, it makes things easier. Do you know any couples who are in a similar position that can at least speak to your mom?

STA · February 8, 2012, 10:02pm

Re: I got thrown out of home ...now what?

are you in that situation?

NomiCA · February 8, 2012, 10:02pm

Re: I got thrown out of home ...now what?

i have teh same question too.........

farimasait · February 8, 2012, 10:03pm

Re: I got thrown out of home ...now what?

I know a few, but my mom doesn't know them. The only couple I'm actually in touch is an Algerian girl in Paris who married a Hindu guy we know from uni.

farimasait · February 8, 2012, 10:05pm

Re: I got thrown out of home ...now what?

No, but you implied you'd never go against their wishes in anything. Just questioning how far filial obediance is supposed to extend.

STA · February 8, 2012, 10:08pm

Re: I got thrown out of home ...now what?

where my right of selection and their demand/expectation are not contradictory against the Divine Law.

farimasait · February 8, 2012, 10:10pm

Re: I got thrown out of home ...now what?

What if you exercising your right of selection 'brought tears to their eyes'? Would you forgo that right then?

STA · February 8, 2012, 10:15pm

Re: I got thrown out of home ...now what?

why will my right of selection make them unhappy? if i love my parent, i would find a reasonable way where my wishes and their demands never conflict.

JeevayPakistan · February 8, 2012, 10:17pm

Re: I got thrown out of home ...now what?

This whole story looks like Umera Ahmad's new drama serial ... "Shaadi se pehlay or shaadi ke baad" ;)

On a serious note, I agree with guppies who are suggesting you to patch up with your parents.

Girl! life wont' be easy if you marry this guy. Life isn't a fairy tale where once you find and marry your lover, you'll live happily ever after. You'll find this less than six months after your marriage.

soconfused · February 8, 2012, 10:20pm

Re: I got thrown out of home ...now what?

Though I feel for you--it must suck to be in love with a guy (and we don't always have a choice over who we fall for) and not have your family on board--I do have to say that after a point you need to snap out of the lovey-doveyness of the situation and look at the cold hard facts.
1) your parents (dad at least) probably won't accept him
2) his mom is CLEARLY anti-muslim.
3) your religion isn't allowing it
4) neither one of you wants to convert

yes, there's always a chance it'll work out. But is it worth going through all this trouble and then facing punishment in the akhirah?
I mean, no crying over spilled milk, but did you not think this was gonna happen. Trust me, I know what it's like to be attracted to someone that you can't have. BUT, the key is to try to stay as level-headed as possible so things don't escalate to this point...but too late.

Like I said, I had a friend that was at this same point. And I asked her the same thing I'm going to ask you now. You say your BF is pretty hindu. Well, what are you gonna tell your kids? That him doing poojah to some idol is okay...but that you doing sajdah to Allah swt is the same thing? what are you going to tell them about Islam (ie the prophets, the angels, all the miracles, etc)--something that Hinduism doesn't even recognize? My friend used the BS excuse "well I'll teach them about both and they can choose". Okay. Great. But what happens when it's Ramadan? Are you gonna have your kids fast? I grew up Muslim because I was born on, but more importantly because I saw my parents practicing (praying, fasting). How are you going to justify you fasting (if you do) and your husband not doing it. Which religion is right?

Basically how do you expect to reconcile two religions that are the COMPLETE and total opposite?! Hinduism is summed up with one word (I'm sorry if this offends anyone): Shirk. The ultimate sin. How are you going to explain to your kids and explain that your religion says that there's one God ONLY, and no idol-worshipping and the statue in the corner that daddy prays to is God too and you're both right. From my experience, every marriage where both were practicing were failures and the kids ended up being completely atheist because they didn't understand how religion could be at two extremes.

I know you've been told over and over and over again already that what you're doing is haram. But I really want to emphasize the ramifications if you follow through with this. Ignoring your afterlife and all that, you're going to lose your family and probably even your kids later on. The purpose of a family is to create a strong Islamic environment and you're going to be unable to do this.

As a muslim, I cannot EVER try to encourage you to follow through with this. I know it hurts, but you HAVE to prioritize. Where does your family/religion fall with respect to this guy. That will provide the answer as to how you should proceed.

Also, re: your argument about marrying a good nonmuslim vs a "bad" muslim:

“Do not marry the polytheist women, unless they believe; a Muslim slave-girl is better than a polytheist woman, even though she may attract you; and do not give (your women) in marriage to polytheist men, unless they believe; a Muslim slave is better than a polytheist, even though he may attract you." (Al-Baqarah, 2:221)

Since you're talking about htis generally: What qualities does this BF of yours that a muslim guy cannot ever have? I know you love him but you cannot disregard an entire population of people. There are good muslim guys that Im sure will meet your criteria. What you want to do is clearly up to you, but you can't delude yourself with this argument.

I sincerely hope Allah guides you.