I gave badwa

Lifestyle Relationships
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Hi all, it’s been a while but I’ve gone through so much that I haven’t had much time to post anything.
So, 7 months back my mum called me (or did I call her?) anyway, the phone conversation quickly went from normal chit chat to full blown argument.
We was arguing over my brothers wife. I haven’t met her nor was I invited to the wedding (as I’ve been disowned publicly by my family for leaving them at 17 due to there constant physical abuse) anyway… mum was saying how her daughter in law is so good blah blah blah, basically trying to make me jelouse and it sadly worked.
The argument continued and hurtful words were exchanged by both parties and then she REALY went and said something truly hurtful, she said "I use to have a daughter but she is dead now (referring to me) but now I have replaced her with a new and better, prettier and loyal girl (referring to my brothers wife.) this made me SO upset that I started crying I was crying so much that I felt like I was hyperventilating, I couldn’t breath and i could she all black in front of my eyes. After a while I took a few deep breaths and became a bit “normal” but I was so hurt and still crying. My mum carried on cursing and shouting through out my crying and then I did something I have never done before, I gave a badwa.

Proper badwa, it came deep from my heart.

I wished Allah give her tremendous pain and sorrow, and that here health gets worse and worse until she realise what she has done to me, I wished upon her all the pain that I went through in my youth to come to her but 10 times worse. I wished on her that her angel daughter in law ruins her home and take away her only son.

2 months after that phone call my dad calls me out of the blue, he tells me mum has breast cancer.
Another month after that she got blood poising.
The they found a tumour in her head.
She is in contact with me now, and talks to me very politely. I just called her this morning and she is recovering from an operation she had last week to remove the tumour. She told me the op went well but now she has found out she has hernia, this needs to be removed to.
She also has a drip in her arm due to recurring swelling.
Her angel daughter in law demand my brother to move. They don’t live there no more, brother doesn’t come to visit much either.

I feel guilty my badwa has come to life and I am a little surprised by this.
Is badwa true and can you revers it? I did say in the badwa that she should get more and more ill until she realise her mistake. Maybe she is keeping in contact with me as she too wants the badwa to stop.

Can a badwa be stopped?

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Re: I gave badwa

I dont believe in badawaas, if you talk to the doctors they will tell you that she was probably suffering from cancer long before you had the interaction with her, there is lifestyle, there is food, there are carcinogenics and there is stress and toxic environment and also genetics which play a role in all this stuff. manipulative and abusive parenting never ends well. I want to be loved when I am old and hence I manage my behavior and treat my kids with love and nurturing and respect their wishes. You have gone thru enough and please don’t blame yourself for this tragedy, we want our parents to be healthy and live forever but we all get old and sick.

My family and her family used to threaten me with badawaas and i used to tell them go to town and do it to your hearts content.

I wonder if all of us gave Donald or Israel a badawaa and they will be inflicted by a calamity?

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Re: I gave badwa

We are all tested and tried in multiple different ways and illness is just one of those things. It’s only Allah who can decide whether a certain calamity befalls someone despite what you want desperately. Your family’s abuse of you was definitely something they would have had to face in this life or the hereafter so regardless of what you wanted their actions against you were always going to be up for trial. Maybe this is the way your mother would have faced her trial regardless of your words.

You’re obviously feeling guilty because you’re a good person so it may be cathartic to just forgive her in your heart. No need to reestablish contact or expose yourself to further abuse, or even start pretending everything is fine because it’s not but you can have a dialogue with Allah for your own sake that you forgive her. He’s listening even if you feel there’s no answer and your forgiveness would be a massive massive thing of goodwill. For all you know any shifa she gets or any relief from pain is purely because of your forgiveness.

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Re: I gave badwa

Your Mother alone cared for you when you were unable to as a baby!

Her circumstances and yours are totally different!

Your baddua …you unloaded your burden from your heart! …the One Who Listens is All Aware of both your circumstances!

and remmember!

The First to Apologize is the Bravest!

The First to Forgive is the Strongest!

The First to Forget is the Happiest!
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Re: I gave badwa

I am sorry to hear you went through so much at a young age. That is the thing with pakistani families: quick to disown rather than owning their mistakes much less establishing a proper solution to the problem itself. Well with baddua the thing is: if it has a legit reason it probably will take form. But for those who constantly degrade and pray the worst for others (most likely your family’s case since you left them) Allah knows that as well. He is just. So if your baddua was legit and concrete it probably has taken effect. As difficult as it may sound, try to forgive your mother and pray the best for her. Whether she abused you, was a part of the abuse, or watched others abuse you; the fact remains: she gave birth to you. Try to pray for her and forgive her, for that very one thing.

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Re: I gave badwa

Maybe you can do dua in her favor now to confirm if you really have such power?

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Re: I gave badwa

Thanks for your reply.
This was the first time ever I wished bad on anyone, i have never done this befor hence why I feel so bad.
I have forgiven her that’s why I still try to keep in touch however she doesn’t seem to change or forget and is constantly hurting me with her words. Maybe I should forgive her and forget her…

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Re: I gave badwa

Thanks for your reply :slight_smile:
Isn’t a badwa opposite to a dua? It’s asking for something from god…?
But I suppose maybe she may have been ill before are argument but it’s weird how she is getting ill one after the other like I had wished!
I don’t believed it’s becouse of me this happens but I do feel guilty. Maybe i just feel guilty of wishing bad on her.

Lol, god is watching Trump, one day or another he WILL get his comeuppance.

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Re: I gave badwa

Breast cancer is curable if treated in right stage.
IV insertion and flowing glucose into body… water retention causes swelling on entire body
Hernia surgery is nothing but repairing a tear.

Forgive your mother. Your badduwa is not greater than the Decision Maker… He knows what to do.

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Re: I gave badwa

Thank you for your reply, you have really made me feel better.
Your right I should communicate to Allah, I’m sure he knows how I feel.
But I think your right, maybe this was suppose to happen to her, regardless of my badwa or not… I do believe that god punishes others in this life. So maybe this is her punishment.

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Re: I gave badwa

Continue being kind and nice to her for your sake as you have a long life ahead of you and you don’t want the regrets to haunt you once she is gone. My mother was very destructive and hurtful towards us and I still chose to care for her not expecting for her to change but because I didn’t want any regrets after. I feel that was a great decision of my life. You are in charge of your feelings, she cant upset you if you choose not to get upset. Just tell yourself no matter what she says you will not get upset.

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Re: I gave badwa

.

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Re: I gave badwa

Hmm… when you put it like that it doesn’t sound too bad but it is still operations.

I have forgiven her, it’s just in that moment she made me so upset. I’m trying to make things better and fix are broken relationships, yet she is not showing much change or interest and is always making snide remarks, even today I called her to ask about her brain tumour operation and she made snide remarks about my husband and how if I had stayed in the family she would have chosen a prince for me and my life would be like a princess :thinking::neutral_face:
She is always puttting me down.
I HAVE forgiven her, that’s why I’m trying… maybe I should just forget her as well.

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Re: I gave badwa

True, but it’s been 10 years now. I have two little kids of my own now (both she hasn’t bothered to meet!)
I feel like I’m just flogging a dead horse.

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Re: I gave badwa

I agree with your last three points. But it’s hard to be happy when you have forgiven and that person still doesn’t forget or move on.

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Re: I gave badwa

Even though we took care of her and none of the siblings did and she still got us excommunicated from the family and they never wished us well or became part of my family and I still ignored everything she did and provided the best care possible for her just for my own peace. Again I am happy for that decision, I would just ignore her mean comments. The disowning etc was an everyday occurrence. My only crime was to marry a girl how faced terrible hardships in life. She once told me that she should have strangled me at birth, all this time living in my house, me cooking for her, providing a nurse and every amenity possible. When you mature you do things for how it makes you feel and not for an expectation of return. If you can be the bigger person now you will walk with your head high for ever and your children will be proud of you. Just think of your own legacy. I am making my own legacy now, independent of the family.

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Re: I gave badwa

Right Sister!..This is somewhat related did you know there was One Sahabi who was never able to see our Holy Prophet during is life, but was very highly praised by Rasul Allah PBUH!

This Sahabi name is Awais Qarni RA

so why he was praised and his name mentioned by Imams in Friday Khutba to this day?

“I will tell you about Owais Al Qarni,” replied the Prophet ﷺ. The Companions looked at each other, each trying to recall if they know a man named Owais. They didn’t know that he was talking about a man that they will meet years after the Prophet ﷺ has passed away.

“He is a man of medium height, head held high despite being poor with very dark skin. I can see him putting his right arm on his left arm and weeping as he reads Quran. He is wearing a cloak of poor wool,” said the Prophet ﷺ, smiling as if he can see him as Angel Gabriel is describing him. “On his left shoulder, there is a white mark the size of a dirham that is the effect of an illness. He is unknown among the people but known in the skies. His biggest sign is the mother he deeply cares for. When he makes duaa, it is granted. He will come among the people on the Day of Judgment and as they are entering Paradise, he will be stopped. When he asks why, Allah will tell him he can bring whomever he wants into Paradise with him, as much as 200,000 people (the amount of two large tribes).”

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Re: I gave badwa

Bud-duas do have a place and significance. According to a hadith, we are told to avoid oppressing a person because there is no barrier or screen between their dua and Allah. At the same time, however, I believe that Allah is fair and just and will not let a bud-dua take effect if the intended recipient is innocent or not deserving of it. Also, for a believer…everything…even illness contains blessings and is an opportunity for the shedding of sins.

At this time I would suggest that you stop thinking about the past hurts that your mom has caused you, and go visit her. Visit her often. If possible, see if you can stay with her for a while and help take care of her. When you are with her…please don’t bring up the past…and avoid talking about any sensitive subjects…even if she or your dad or your siblings try to “bait” you into responding to a loaded remark…just don’t do it.

Whether or not your mom’s health issues are a result of your “bud-duaa”…is something that you may never get an 100% answer to. I think that even if you were to ask a scholar, they will tell you that “It’s possible that your bud-dua struck your mom,” but I don’t think they can give you a definite answer. It’s over and done with. It will be more practical for you to now focus on the present as opposed to dwelling on the “why” of this situation. So, spend time with your mom, OP. Maybe…just maybe…Allah is using her illness as a way to bring you both closer. So, why not seize that opportunity?

Allah accepts the duas of a sick person, so use this as a time to earn the good duas of your mother. And if you suspect that the dua you made in anger against your mother can have sooooooo much effect…then you should ALSO believe that the sincere dua you make FOR your mother’s well-being and improvement in health from the same depths of your heart…will ALSO have an effect. A dua made out of love and fear also has effect. So, keep in touch with her via phone, but also visit her, stay with her, help dad out with chores, bring mom flowers, bring her gifts, massage her feet, etc…just be there for her.

****You need to do all of the above WITHOUT expecting anything in return from your mom, or your dad, or even siblings. And that’s a difficult thing to do. Sometimes you have to do the RIGHT thing simply because it is the RIGHT thing to do…and not because you expect gratitude, or acceptance, or praise/recognition, or applause or forgiveness from another person/s. You will get your reward from Allah; make that enough for you.

If you’re feeling guilty, then ask Allah for forgiveness and then back your repentance up with actual actions…such as verbally and physically being there for your mom…and make dua for her recovery as well. May Allah grant your mom a speedy recovery, bring you closer to your family, remove all your worries and restore peace in your life; Amin. Summ Amin.

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Re: I gave badwa

Have you taken them to meet her, and she refused to see them? Or are you waiting for her to come and meet them herself?

Chances are, if she is talking to you, she will see your kids. Parents love grandkids more than their own kids…so take the initiative.

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Re: I gave badwa

OP is now a parent and it’s their duty to protect their kids and if the grandparents are abusive both physically, emotionally then why in the world would they expose their kids to people who can hurt them. Just because someone is old or a grandparent or sick doesn’t make them good people. It’s highly naive to think so.