Re: I feel stuck stuck stuck
err goodluck
Re: I feel stuck stuck stuck
My nikah is in 2 weeks and I am feeling horribly stuck. I was so happy last week but it all went downhill then. I asked my fiancé to please check out the photographer so we could hire him. He refused because he said that he was too tired. He wasn't tired when he was chatting it up with his buddies on fb at 4am. When I Hired the photographer myself and told him the appointment time on his fb wall he got mad that I did it without asking him and he blocked me from his fb cuz he doesn't want anyone to know about the nikah until after it has taken place. Since his mom isn't here my mom asked me to ask him if he knew about the bidh. He said that he neither knew nor cared. When I got mad and refused to talk to him he said that he will 'fix' me after nikah. I in return told him that I would divorce him as soon as we were married. I made a mistake saying that because then his mom and him called my house and told my patents that I wasn't interested in marriage anymore. My parents literally begged me crying and telling me to keep their izzat because everything is booked already. They made me call his mom and apologize. Everyone is blaming me for being so immature and getting mad over small things. Both his mom and mine told me to learn to ignore some things cuz 'mard kabhi nahi badalta'. My mom has forbidden me to talk to him until after the nikah now. Am I really being immature? Isn't it his responsibility to at least show a little care? I become extremely upset thinking about my nikah day, which until last week I considered to be the happiest day of my life. I am too scared now to even say anything to anyone anymore because I don't want my parents to cry because of me again.
end of my rant
he sounds rubbish and immature. really bad on his parts. i know this is hard for you since you dont even have your parents support. if you had their support you would have fixed him.
by this what i am assuming is that in future if she does something stupid and then u say something he will call your parents and complain about you. which will be very bad. no girl or boy wants to see their parents sad.
I have 2 options for you:
1) think about whether are you ready to tolerate this behaviour of his in future? if yes go ahead with the marriage.
2) if its no then think about ending this relationship here. only you can take this decision since you know the best that how much of your "no "will effect your parents.
"When I got mad and refused to talk to him he said that he will 'fix' me after nikah"
that very very rude of him. if i was you i would have fixed him there and then.
btw i'll say that before you take any step. just explain all this each and everything to your parents. including all the comments he made. see what they have to say.
good luck
Re: I feel stuck stuck stuck
what are bidh boxes?
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i think those are nikah ka chuwaray kind of stuff (basically candies and other sweet stuff) which the groom's side distribute once the nikah is done.
correct me if i am wrong ?
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discuss (calmly) with him some of his comments. START with admitting your own mistakes first....so that he won't get defensive from the get-go. Then tell him that you were upset by the word "fix" because it sounds like a threat. And ASK him what he actually means by the word "fix" and how he plans to "fix" you. Seek some clarification on that matter.
Yes! DO VOICE IT, but without nagging! Talk to him and sort things out. Explain how you feel and that you dont want to feel this way bc your big day is coming up. Try not to blame him, just try to explain you're feelings. If you are stressed, chances are he is either just as much, if not, more stressed than you are. Its a critical time with the big day nearing in and your family's reaction was a bit overboard but i can see why, since what you said was very shaking. The thing is, if its just what you have mentioned, then no biggies. Maybe hes getting cold feet, too much going on, im sure youre not the only one nagging at him bc his family is probably also nagging at him. But from what youve mentioned, seems like you were perfectly happy before this dump of stress..and honestly, thats probably what it is..just a dump load of stress. So, relax and let it pass...its your attitude and perception that will make it or break it for you at this point. Stay positive, you deserve to be happy on your big day. So make it happen! Wish you all the best, inshallah!
FYI: Drop the threats, for now and forever.
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i asked him and he told me that he did not care and that is why i decided to go ahead and have them made myself. he, in turn, lied to his mom saying that he wanted to make bidh boxes but i wouldn't let him do it. same with the photographer. i called him and asked him to check the photographer out but he refused so i went ahead and hired him, and then he got mad and told his mom that i never even asked him before hiring a photographer.
I totally missed this post of yours! Okay, wait a min now, you need to STOP worrying about this izzat BS and know that your izzat is in making the correct decision for yourself. Not in ruining your life over a mere function that has been 'booked'...if it makes you feel any better, i was in the exact same position as you, and i called it OFF!..just a few weeks prior to my wedding. If you know this is not for you, you need to be sure of it, bc if you cant be, no one else can. My family was very concerned about me taking that step, but with time they realized my decision was right.
But, have you confronted him with asking why he lied to his mother about the photography deal? Why he said he doesnt care? Are you sure he 'doesnt care' about the bidh, or he doesnt care about the nikkah happening altogether? Or is he just being difficult to talk to and theres becoming a communication gap? Bc if that is the case, then, im sorry, but i want to ask you do you know how interested this guy is in this nikkah taking place? Are you sure this is something he wants? His behavior seems as if he is not totally comfortable. But you got to think more into it, are you sure his careless behavior is something recent? Or have there been traces of him being like this from the get-go? And, whats really fishy is, why is he worried about people finding about his nikkah happening!???
Its just the nikkah, if its too pressuring, just say you dont want this formal commitment just yet, and instead of breaking it off say you want to keep it the way its been for however long you guys have been together, and in that time sort things out. I mean its not the wedding, right? Then why take this step if you dont really have to just yet. (I mean to say why do the nikkah? If there is no real reason such as visa issues or whatnot, then why is a nikkah being done? Just to have something in place? If thats the case, nikkah isnt the answer! Esp in a situation that, god forbid, worsens, will result in a divorce.)
Re: I feel stuck stuck stuck
methinks that your husband to be jumped a bit too quickly on the whole divorce bit... methinks he's hiding something. He is doing the typical Pakistani guy, where he wants to end things and he's doing it by being an ass to you so YOU end it and YOUR family looks bad.
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spoko - all this is kind of weird. If you have shared everything related to this situation then you should think hard before entering into this rishta. If nothing else, buy some time before committing.
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hmmm…its the friggin ‘nice’ wedding that caused all this…
him saying ‘fix you’ is worse than she saying ‘will divorce you’?? 
Its probably just a little argument…people do have arguments…that don’t mean you start thinking all the wrong stuff just because of one argument… just talk it out with the guy and ask him straight forward…
as Wane said…try to buy some time instead of jumping to conclusions…
P.S… All the ‘friendly’ advisors here telling her to break the rishta and stuff…please also advise her about how to face the sh!tstorm thats gonna stirr up after she breaks it off…i bet she would be in deep trouble/emotional distress…her parents would suffer…their would be hell lot of problems…and all of you will be just sitting at your home doing your thing…
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You both arent ready for it - and specially the guy - from your post it seems he doesn't care a bit
you wana cry now or later ! choice is all yours - jumping into a relation of this caliber - I wont reckon that !
wase bi a Guy into bidah thingy - Too much Gay for me liking :)
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Yeah its not about just the wedding, if u look at the person's other posts/threads...the guy doesnt seem that into it at all. There's more to the issue than just the wedding stress
Re: I feel stuck stuck stuck
methinks that your husband to be jumped a bit too quickly on the whole divorce bit... methinks he's hiding something. He is doing the typical Pakistani guy, where he wants to end things and he's doing it by being an ass to you so YOU end it and YOUR family looks bad.
I was also wondering about this last night...as to whether this was the scheme he had in mind. It's cowardly but I have read/even heard guys admit to being a deliberate jerk so the girl ends things first.
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^ Yeah, quite typical a thing,
It's hard and painful to get out of a relationship, especially when you are getting
married, but better get out now than later, I don;t see any respect for you in his attitude.
He is even hiding his Nikkah from his friends (fb thing).
Trust me i have seen such guys scolding their wives in front of their friends, and pretending to be a
loving husband in front of wife.
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I totally missed this post of yours! Okay, wait a min now, you need to STOP worrying about this izzat BS and know that your izzat is in making the correct decision for yourself.
Yes, I think someone once told me don't think only with izzat, because sometimes izzats have a mind of their own. Hope everything works out well for you!
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hi, thanks everyone. the reason for this nikah now is because my dad's surgery is scheduled for mar 15 and my grandma's really sick so my mom is going to pak a few days after my nikah so basically everyone just wants to get this done. i spoke to my dad today like redvelvet said and i told him everything. he said that it's miscommunication and nothing more. he was trying to explain to me how i would say something to him (my fiance) and my mom would say something and his mom would say something and everyone just kept saying stuff and that confused everyone. that still does not explain his lying to his mom though. i also talked to his mom today and told her about the fb thing, and she said that she has told him not to tell anyone about the nikah until after the nikah because we have so many 'dushmans' apparently and she is worried that someone may give nazar? i donno if she was just making it up so her son doesn't look bad because that explanation does not satisfy me. i told her about his lies too and she said the same thing about miscommunication. i told everyone that if it's miscommunication then why can't i just talk to him and sort things out but they all refused saying that i am on the edge and he's on the edge and it'll just make matters worse. it's like no one cares that he lied!
as for his attitude before, i have known him for a long time and he has always had problems with ignoring when he was away for school, like telling me that he would call in 10 mins and calling back in 10 hours. other than that he has never really acted like he doesn't care. i always used to make plans about how i would have my wedding like this n that n he always used to participate in my plans excitedly. i don't know what has happened all of a sudden. and i really haven't been nagging!!!!!!!
Re: I feel stuck stuck stuck
His g/f must have told him to not talk to you too much out of jealousy.
j/k j/k j/k
I don't understand. How old are you that people are preventing you to talk to your fiance, the man who you will be doing your nikkah with in a short period of time? That is very strange. But anyway, good luck, hopefully its all mis communication and whatever else and everything will go smoothly once the nikkah is done. Hoping for the best for you!
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Yes, I think someone once told me don't think only with izzat, because sometimes izzats have a mind of their own. Hope everything works out well for you!
Must not laugh
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Have you picked up on clues of his immaturity before? Or is this the 1st time you are seeing this side of him? I agree with everyone above that this is a shaky situation. But remember, according to Islam, as soon as you do the nikah, you are married, rukhsati or no rukhsati. It would require annullment to get out of it. One of my good friends called off her wedding 3 days before the nikah/rukhsati day. She found out her fiance was doing shady things, and she called each one of her guests & let them know that the wedding is off. It didn't take long before Allah swt granted her the husband she deserves, and I swear, everyone in our community looks up to her marriage. She is blessed with everything mashAllah.
Don't let all the preparations get in the way of your decision-making. But also rationalize through this, maybe he just had a chemical imbalance in his brain for 24 hrs? I dunno... I think you two communicating is key. And I think you should do istikharah to guide your feelings.
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Everyone has given you great advice,
All I am gonna say is that Yes, I can understand why it is so hard for you to call off the wedding because everything is arranged already. Plus, it is your parents izzat issue and the typical desi mentality that "log kiya kahaingay". How about you ask yourself or your parents, that what if you get nikkah and rukhsati done and you later realize that he is a jerk as he appears to be and you are unhappy. God forbid, what if he is abusive? Would your parents still tell you that you should deal with it even though you are not happy? and if they do go for the alternative then, which is divorce..wouldn't they care at that time as well about their izzat and log kiya kehaingay? That time you will be a divorcee and your parents will still be crying.
This situation is setting you and your family up for trouble and misery in future. It will not end with the nikkah.
Decide if you wanna deal with your parents izzat getting ruined before you marry this jerk or after? Because in the end, either you cancel the wedding right now or get a divorce in future, they will have the same problem.
By getting your nikkah done they are not solving the problem, they are just pushing it and ruining your life.
And Only you can stand up for yourself, Islam gives you that right.
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^ exactly. hit the nail right on the head. I do wish you the best but honey, I've seen this before, and i think it'll end in divorce:(