Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?
women are pakistan are wearing [fancy] abayas only cuz the idiot fabric manufacturers are making translucent clothes.
it is load better to wear those topi bhurka and wear some really bukwas chappal then to face all those men eyes staring at you.
massi will do all the cleaning...so you dont have to worry about that.
I am totally in agreement with Sadzz and SU …
Nadz, getting angry will not lead you anywhere … Life in the UK is very very different from Pakistan… but as they say when in rome do as the romans do …
All women expect their husbands to provide them a sense of security , and your hubby is doing exactly the same thing. He is protecting you from the eyes of useless men, he wants everyone to respect you , he doesnt want you to become the odd one out ..
you yourself said he is not a molvi, so have faith in him , I am sure he will not force you into anything .. but men by nature can become harsh if you keep refusing , accept positively what he says , tell him you will try your best but it can take some time … at least he will know you are doing your best to achieve what he wants you to …
Think about this : if tomorrow you guys return to the UK and he goes to work wearing the traditional Pakistan Salwar kameez … would you not protest to it and force him to wear a proper suit to work??
Would you be doing that to make his life miserable ? or would you be doing that to ensure he doesnt become the object of every one’s mockery? wouldnt you want him to adapt to the UK style of living?
You have chosen your life partner, respect him .. the more you will , the more he will understand your worries , your personality and will help you adapt to new things in a better way …
Good luck my dear..
how does the mans life change..if hes earning and so am i......dont you think hel expect me to pay some bills atleast no matter how macho he is and thinks he needs to take care of work life while i take care fo home life...it would be selfish to let him pay all bills if i earning too..yet if i expect him to cook and clean and do what we women as much as we do it, they would never take it....and no man likes to be washing dishes while his wife is watchin the telly...
**I would reconsider the statement of yours. This is an absolute lie or say rumor! You probably never came across a man who would do everything for his wife, everything!
**I'm waiting for the day when I can cook with my wife :D just to prove man is the better cook :D
you should always smile and take it easy! life is about to be lived, not to be worried about so much!
Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?
damn girl...you guys are not even married & he's all up in your business...set boundaries now or forever hold your peace...plus he's being a little too excessive...you don't have to wear long sleeves to look modest... he sounds like a PURE PANDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?
Er, which century are we in? Women have died so that WE no longer have to be subjugated and yet here we are, again, women telling women to stay in time-ordained shackles.
A life of compromise isn't a life at all. If you want to spend FOREVER with this man, that is potentially the next 50-60 years of your life. Most mornings, most nights. You need to make him understand that you are his moral and intellectual equal and that as much as you need to "understand" and "respect" him, that street is two-way. Does he not think you capable of making your own choices?
Things like this transcend the pedestrian, the raise questions about his mentality - I think it's time you asked each other how much of yourselves you are willing to loose for the other person and whether that sacrifice in the name of a love that hasnt really seen the test of time is equal.
Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?
My take on it:
Your parents love is unconditional...you dont ever have to work at it...they will love you even if you were wearing a micro mini and a tube top.
Your hubby, can fall out of love with you if there is too much conflict...so you might want to watch it and live by a golden rule: Pick your battles.
I dont think wearing jeans and long tops is an issue to fight over...in fact...make him take you shopping and have a ball! I do think you should save the arguments for a cause that is more worthy and important to you...and there will be several...trust me on it.
Understand his background and where he is coming from and be patient. Once he comes here, it will be fine. He will notice the culture and over time will relax. If you listen to him today, he will listen to you tomorrow...tried and tested. :)
Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?
ok dear ...just like u said its not an arranged marriage right...and i feel if you love someone u can definately change ur self for them...u automatically starts liking the things that they like...(at least thats how i feel) but the thing is that how much do u care abt him...i dont think u really do thats y u get agitated when he tries to tell u somethig ......ok from his side if i was in ur shoes i would get upset too by him putting all these restrictions on me.....ok now what you should do is talk to him let him kno that how u wanna live ur life u can change to some extent but nott how he expects u to be...well if u cook and clean come on girlllll thats not something big u r doing u r expected to do so but definately if he can help that would be ideal too.....now its up to u how much u like him and u wanna break up with him just because of these little stupid things but ohhh yes i can truly understand ur point that they can be frustrated ....but talk to him and see what he says other wise let him gooo....personally if that was a love engagment for me : i would do anything and everything for my man :0)
My take on it:
Your parents love is unconditional...you dont ever have to work at it...they will love you even if you were wearing a micro mini and a tube top.
Your hubby, can fall out of love with you if there is too much conflict...so you might want to watch it and live by a golden rule: Pick your battles.
I dont think wearing jeans and long tops is an issue to fight over...in fact...make him take you shopping and have a ball! I do think you should save the arguments for a cause that is more worthy and important to you...and there will be several...trust me on it.
Understand his background and where he is coming from and be patient. Once he comes here, it will be fine. He will notice the culture and over time will relax. If you listen to him today, he will listen to you tomorrow...tried and tested. :)
HE IS already here, hes been here 2 years. i admit hes a good guy who likes to see women dress respectively and not once does he seem to want to attract anyones attention esp female. he wanted to go to pak as soon as we got married and live there, but i made him stay here a year or 2 first, and he agred. so he thinks thats a compromise done, but if im goin to live there forever after that then isnt my compromise a bigger and its a long term one.
he doesnt mind me wearing ncie clothes as long as they are 3quater lentgh to full sleeves, which is fiar enough. but i feel i have no option otherwise anyway.
and redvelvet, i dont ASK his permission i meant that i feel as if IM ASKING....or needing it. i am confident thats the reason we argue cos we clash...but at the end of the day i guess we do have love too......i can see that much as wel.
Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?
Hey Nadz.
Whst going on.
I thought form your earlier Marriage NIte issues thread. U were shy and not meant to be in communication with the Guy?
Seeems from this thread you guys r in a a lot of contca and comfortable talking with each other.
Then why ask us Guys for the wedding nite???
My 2 cents 4 this thread.
NADZ... Dear PAKistani Guys r not like us, they belive they onw thier wife and she has to do evverything he tells/wants her to do.
Get Used to this.
And your thread is rather inspiring, cos you have portrayed your guy as above average relgious, and him further illustrating this by his supporting a 'beard'.
I dont get it, if hes so all that relgious and that. Doesnt he remember that in deen you are not allowed to converse with your fiance before Nikkah?
Whsts goin on here, a rather modern molvi i guess.
what? you started another dilemma / controversy thread ? and I was not even aware of it =(
wow it has reached the END of page two - I will need A LOT of dedicated time to “catch up” :more =(
okay I’m too busy today - don’t have time to be on GS… maybe tomorrow
Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?
lets stop beating around bush and start talking about the elephant in the room.
the guy is a control freak.
Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?
whos that me..
ok im out
alredy late due to this bloddy gupshup
Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?
Ok i have to agree with the ones saying your husband asking you to dress islamically is not controlling. I had similiar arguments with my husband when we first got married and like you, i was defiant at first. Then i had to think if what he was asking me to do (i already wore hijab but he wanted me to wear long tops with pants/jeans etc, nthing too tight etc) was wrong somehow and it wasnt. LEts face it, in islam a woman is to cover herself appropriately (no short sleeves etc). Once i saw this, the decision was really easy to make.
What IS a red flag to me, is how you guys are counting the "compromises" you are doing for each other. You cannot keep track of such things in a healthy relationship. And you shouldnt, love should be unconditional.
I say if you are really uncomfortable with the way he wants his wife and cannot see yourself in that role, walk away now.
Hey Nadz.
Whst going on.
I thought form your earlier Marriage NIte issues thread. U were shy and not meant to be in communication with the Guy?
Seeems from this thread you guys r in a a lot of contca and comfortable talking with each other.
Then why ask us Guys for the wedding nite???
My 2 cents 4 this thread.
NADZ... Dear PAKistani Guys r not like us, they belive they onw thier wife and she has to do evverything he tells/wants her to do.
Get Used to this.
And your thread is rather inspiring, cos you have portrayed your guy as above average relgious, and him further illustrating this by his supporting a 'beard'.
I dont get it, if hes so all that relgious and that. Doesnt he remember that in deen you are not allowed to converse with your fiance before Nikkah?
Whsts goin on here, a rather modern molvi i guess.
no cmon man amir, theres a difference between talking about wedding night stuff and talking about mere general day to day stuff...cmon even you couldnt be that silly not to differentiate the two. we do talk but its nothing about wedding nights etc thats abit tooo much....itni himmat hai mujhe> NO WAY
but we did spell out our preferences but issue on clothing only came about now. he says he lets me wear trousers , and its annoying for someone to say that. hes sort of abov average reig....i mean he prays 5times, knows alot about islam, has a sort of beard,but hes cool too, he doesnt watch relgious prog or snythin hes always on ps3 or watchy footy, so id say he was abit of both..
well ok...
but the thing is with girls and trousers especially jeans
is that they make your butt stand out.
and girls already have bigger behinds than men and that...
so i think he has a good point there if hes worried about:
''ur clothes being to tight''
In Islam your are supposed to conceal your beauty and concealment means more than just covering yourself:
U shud dress in clothes that do not reveal your shape and that do not make you look glamourous to the opposite sex.
Cos there are always perves like about whos full-time jobs are staring and analyzing women physique.
and no-offense again. But this thread jus reminded me.
Most of u ladies rightly so 2 try ur best to dress modestly and u do.
But do some of u still realise that some of u have really biggg behinds.
OK Im Out
b4 i get another infraction.
lol.....
really bigt behinds? WELL actually it just looks that way cos you men have nothing that could be mistaken for a *behind.......as such.....but hey when you reach your thirties +, your behind will be IN FRONT...curry bellies....
Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?
^ curry bellies? Lol. Never heard that one before. Hmmm....should add that one to my list of creative terms.
Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?
My mom says you gotta set the standard of the relationsip in the beiggining. If hes like this when ur just engaged he might get more uptight later on. I mean this is supposed to be the phase of the guy when he is supposed to be impressing you.If this is him impressing you. boy needs to up his game.If you hate the idea of the lifestyle you have to adopt .talk to him about. Because otherwise youre gonna have to stick with it. life is too short and although its good to compromise ...dont let him take control of the relationship like this.
your mom prepared you for a disaster, Good Luck
you guys are from separate culture, im in the same boat except married 10 yrs. I got married young and i dont regret it, its just that these differences you are talking about(you not wanting to tell someone how to look, etc) is what we learn in our culture growing up, Mutual respect and appreciation. But in pk i see alot less of that, and im not undermining it, its just its the way they grew up. I feel in pk they arent exposed to so much mutual respecting since its not multicultural or wahtever. ANyhow, the sleeves, jeans, long shirt, its all got to do with his ghirat which is actually a part of your deen and if you understand it, you would actually apreciate it. hes not wanting to flaunt is wife around, which is actually his care for you. I mean, its good you got a guy whos got deen in him, at the end it out weighs the other stuff: him having his priorities straight.
Thats the kind of guy who would be more of a father to ur kids. Just the way hes communicating it must be ...bland and direct and ...theres not a word for it.
OK well as ppl know im engaged. and we like each other alot...im from uk hes from pakistan hes been here 3 yrs, we r cousins...anyway i seem to be compromising the most. he wants me to dress a certain way, do certain things, and its too much. HE says hes compromised enough by letting me wear trousers as long as its with long tops, so i said what about jeans with long tops and he dont lke jeans..like wat the hells the difference...and he doesnt like half sleeves etc, he wants me to wear scarf and i refused, so he said hes compromising by letting me not wear it. is he really?
AND i said that i dont expect any thing from you on your appearance, and he says that my issue, if i expect something from me i should say it so that he can compromise with me, but i dont, but thats cos i dnt like telling somone how to look, just like i dont like HIM telling me what to look like. He said he compromised by trimming his beard, now i only said itl look nicer, i didnt mind if he did it or didnt, so thats not really compromise. and if it is, its only one...per my 100.
on top of that, i know ive got to be a good lil wife and cook and clean, which im already hating the idea of, but have got used to it and now these things are bothering me too. its my fault hes alwyas been this way but i thought hed mellowed out.i dnt know. what to do.