OK well as ppl know im engaged. and we like each other alot…im from uk hes from pakistan hes been here 3 yrs, we r cousins…anyway i seem to be compromising the most. he wants me to dress a certain way, do certain things, and its too much. HE says hes compromised enough by letting me wear trousers as long as its with long tops, so i said what about jeans with long tops and he dont lke jeans..like wat the hells the difference…and he doesnt like half sleeves etc, he wants me to wear scarf and i refused, so he said hes compromising by letting me not wear it. is he really?
AND i said that i dont expect any thing from you on your appearance, and he says that my issue, if i expect something from me i should say it so that he can compromise with me, but i dont, but thats cos i dnt like telling somone how to look, just like i dont like HIM telling me what to look like. He said he compromised by trimming his beard, now i only said itl look nicer, i didnt mind if he did it or didnt, so thats not really compromise. and if it is, its only one…per my 100.
on top of that, i know ive got to be a good lil wife and cook and clean, which im already hating the idea of, but have got used to it and now these things are bothering me too. its my fault hes alwyas been this way but i thought hed mellowed out.i dnt know. what to do.
Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?
will u be wearing jeans and short tops in pakistan? will u be wearing a dupatta when u go out there?
I dont think he's asking for much...
trust me, i was like this before i got married.. even first year. It was all about "oh man.. im the only one compromising and changing myself.. what does he do", but its not like that.. a man's life changes dramatically too..
work with him rather than holding up ur guard... try to understand him and let ur concerns be heard too without getting into an argument..
Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?
but its not jeans and short tops its long tops, like covering my bottom.....
hes making me change my appearance all the time. and his own parents want me to wear half sleeves salwar kamiz but hes doestn like half sleeves....im sick of it...
Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?
Nadz,
If you're going to be living in Pakistan after marriage....the wardrobe thing won't be much of an issue...since most of the population in Pakistan dresses conservatively anyways. There should be mutual compromise. Compromise means give some, take some, lose some, share some. Talk out your issues before getting married.
Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?
how does the mans life change..if hes earning and so am i......dont you think hel expect me to pay some bills atleast no matter how macho he is and thinks he needs to take care of work life while i take care fo home life...it would be selfish to let him pay all bills if i earning too..yet if i expect him to cook and clean and do what we women as much as we do it, they would never take it....and no man likes to be washing dishes while his wife is watchin the telly...
If you're going to be living in Pakistan after marriage....the wardrobe thing won't be much of an issue...since most of the population in Pakistan dresses conservatively anyways. There should be mutual compromise. Compromise means give some, take some, lose some, share some. Talk out your issues before getting married.
we did talk, but he ****** me off so much...its not an arranged marriage where we can end it. it started many years ago but he was in pak, and i was here so wasnt that much communication and stuff...but i dnt know i see sometimes he does try to adapt but he cant..or wont...he said ok you can wear trousers...but with long tops.....like whose he to tell me, my own parents dnt ay nothing....
i dnt know, i dont know if im the one in the wrong here or him but right now i wana kill him...
Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?
^ I was thinking that as well. There seems to be a difference in the degree of religiousness. Ask him why he wants you to cover your arms. And if he doesn't want you wearing jeans....work with him on this. How about a proposal for looser-fitting jeans....or trouser style jeans?
I don't know if this is a good idea, Nadz. But I believe that hijab (scarf) should be done for Allah....not for your husband or any other person for that matter. If you decide to implement a respected religious practice in your life....you wan't to do it for the right reasons. Perhaps that's a point that should be brought up with your fiance. Faith should be sincere. You do good deeds out of fear of Allah, to get reward from Allah........not out of fear for your husband. And for him to say that he's "compromising" by you not wearing scar seems a bit weird to me now. You shouldn't be covering your hair solely for him in the first place. If he wants you to be a stronger Muslim....who would u be doing it for....him or God? And most people don't develop faith through control and force. It's something that comes from a realization of the heart.
Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?
^ no i dont think he'll expect u to pay the bills, but maybe just ask him?
both the hubz and i work and I pay for certain things and he pays for others. But we just have a scheme that works for us, and we are happy this way. Work out a plan that will work for you guys... talk to him about bills, but i reckon if ur living in pakistan, i doubt he'd expect that from you :)
Guys act macho, and they prob are.. but they will do things for you. Trust me :) dont stress about this stuff just too much now.
Love him and understand him.. and let him do the same for you
hmm... maybe he's a lot more religious than his parents which isnt a bad thing.
Work with him... rather than putting up barriers. Talk to him without getting emotional and maybe reason with him.
Like when u get married, does he want u to wear full sleeve on the wedding?
NO He never said anything about what to wear on wedding, he said itsgirls stuff and he doesnt know....and yes hes slightly more religious than his parents...but he aint that great!
^ I was thinking that as well. There seems to be a difference in the degree of religiousness. Ask him why he wants you to cover your arms. And if he doesn't want you wearing jeans....work with him on this. How about a proposal for looser-fitting jeans....or trouser style jeans?
I don't know if this is a good idea, Nadz. But I believe that hijab (scarf) should be done for Allah....not for your husband or any other person for that matter. If you decide to implement a respected religious practice in your life....you wan't to do it for the right reasons. Perhaps that's a point that should be brought up with your fiance. Faith should be sincere.
YEH its for allah not husband.. but you should never force anyone right? i feel forced...i feel forced in regards to most things because they are what relgion requires or what a wife is required to do.....its all requirements.....and i admit im not relgious...bt i am a muslim of course. maybe only by name...but i feel more inclined not to do something the more someone forces/tell me to....
Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?
look what I wrote above....and think about it. Maybe it's a point to bring up GENTLY with your hubby. You do religious practices ultimately for Allah....not out of fear of another person. That's what I'm talking about, hon. If you're feeling forced....and if he feels that pushing you will make you adhere to Islamic practices better.......then gently tell him that your reasons for doing something good should be mainly for Allah. Fear and control have no place in sincere faith.
And Islam was not spread with harsh words and force. It was spread with kindness. Nadz, I feel that you need to have SERIOUS (but calm, don't lose control) discussion with your husband....before you marry him.
we did talk, but he ****** me off so much...its not an arranged marriage where we can end it. it started many years ago but he was in pak, and i was here so wasnt that much communication and stuff...but i dnt know i see sometimes he does try to adapt but he cant..or wont...he said ok you can wear trousers...but with long tops.....like whose he to tell me, my own parents dnt ay nothing....
i dnt know, i dont know if im the one in the wrong here or him but right now i wana kill him...
nadz, u've really gotta stop thinking like this...
what'll happen next is if ur parents say something and ur hubby may not agree and u end up doing what ur parents say... it'll deeply hurt him.
U both need to connect and understand. Marriage is a very fragile relationship and it takes a lot dedication and compromise to make it strong. U need to trust him and he needs to be able to trust you..
forget about what ur parents said and did or they treated u... they are ur parents. Completely different relationship...
nadz, u've really gotta stop thinking like this...
what'll happen next is if ur parents say something and ur hubby may not agree and u end up doing what ur parents say... it'll deeply hurt him.
U both need to connect and understand. Marriage is a very fragile relationship and it takes a lot dedication and compromise to make it strong. U need to trust him and he needs to be able to trust you..
forget about what ur parents said and did or they treated u... they are ur parents. Completely different relationship...
WE try to. i mean we are not even married yet and we have all these issues...i said if you dont like me the way i am why you marrying me......if you wana change everything i am.....but he thinks wearing jeans doesnt matter,,,but it does, because its not the jeans..its the fact that HES LEAVING ME WITH NO OPTION BUT HIS...thats what i cant handle....
sometimes we get on, just now we fought because i wana wear jeans with LONG TOPS and hes like omg...not another request...l( he didnt sya that but thats what i felt by his reaction) like i need to ask permission now??/ WHO AM I ?
Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?
You both have some serious working out to do....before a marriage takes place. I've seen very religious women wear hijab AND jeans. It's no big deal. The jeans can be loose-fitting as well. I just wonder where is the line. Is there a boundary line. What about makeup? Will you be allowed to wear that? Jewelry? Or does the makeup need to be hidden behind a purdah? What about hair. Should it be short at all times. Or long and in a braid hanging down your back at all times. I understand compromise is necessary...but the key word in compromise is MUTUAL. Will you be allowed to work? Or will you strictly be at home. And too much of anything even compromise is not healthy. Have a discussion with him. There's a difference between compromise and control issues. There's a difference between guiding/teaching religion and forcing it.
something tells me jeans and scarves aren't the only issue you two have/will have.
U ain't the only one Aahmed. I'm getting that vibe too. There seems to be a more serious underlying problem here....and I feel it's not compromise that's the issue. It seems to be the other "C" word.....CONTROL. Dum da dum dum. Dum da dum dum. DUM!!!!!! Please sort things out before marriage, Nadz. You'll have to compromise throughout your marriage. But if one has the "It's my way or the highway, missy" attitude....that's not healthy.