I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?

Lifestyle Relationships
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no i will work and he doesnt care much for makeup/jewlry and no he didnt say parda...he doesnt mind that....only scarf on head and i refused, he let that go too ......but its just that whatever he lets me do something or doesnt, it feels like a mountain to climb, like i feel i needhis permission or appreciation or something and i feel elated when he lets me do stuff and depressed when he doest...life shouldnt be this tough right?I SAID TO HIM once that hes controlling and he said he isnt....whatever hes asking is relgious, but yes he read namaz and he knows a fair bit more than me....i wouldnt say he was THAT relgious though, hes certainly not some molvi...

Dosti ek baRa nazuk sa hunar hoti hai
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how was it?

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Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?

^it worked out well

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i agree^

well nadzz its very easy to tell that u both have dfferent mentality and views. i dont know about u or any other girl here. but honestly i wud not even think about a guy like that not in my worst nightmare. cuz i know that i wont be able to live with sum1 like that without killing him or sumthing.

compromises are fine as long as they r compromises. and telling u wat to wear and how to behave its not called compromise. its called controlling.

u guys are different and the onyl way of keeping up with sum1 like ur fiance is to change urself or change him completely. and its not like that he only has issues with ur dressing he must be having issues with alot of other things like ur lifestyle so wat will u do then?

gettign married is not about beign all lovey dovey all the time its about livign with each other and tolerating each other. dont waste ur and his tiem if u see no future in it. if u feel liek ur beign forced into sumthign then its better not to do that. its not like hes to only guy left in the world.

sorry if it was harsh but that the truth. u need to see it before its too late.

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Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?

Nadz,

I never said he was a mullah. Extent of religiousness is a subjective matter. You need to basically calm down and talk about how you feel and be honest with him. Tell him calmly that you feel stifled. Tell him that you feel you constantly need to seek his permission and this is not healthy because it reflects a sense of distrust and control. And ask him what his expectation of marriage are. Ask him what he expects from his future wife. Write a list of questions/concerns that you have and bring them up with him. Talk about your expectations of each other (work, home duties, money, etc).

Someone once gave me wise advice in the workplace...."don't always ask....just do it." And that's true. If you ALWAYS ask permission....even in the workplace....it makes you look less confident. Sometimes it's good to ask permission....OTHER times...you just gotta take charge and do things on your own and show confidence. And trust me, Nadz, even bosses get TIRED of people CONSTANTLY asking permission for things. They want someone who can take charge of things. The other problem with asking permission all the time....is that you relinquish ALL your power/independence to the other person. And they can sense that. And they get USED TO this role....and you're helping the other person GET USED TO ordering you around....because you're ALWAYS seeking permission. You are an adult, Nadzz. Pick and chose your battles, sweetie. ** A few things in life involve permission.** And there are things don't require consent.

And it's good to want approval from your spouse. You want your spouse to love you, it's natural. But it becomes a **PROBLEM **when spousal approval becomes the be all/end all of your existence. Life is so unpredictable. What about women who have split up from or lost their spouses........whose approval are they seeking? Strike up a balance. Do things to please your spouse......but also yourself. It's good for couples to have their own identities as well.

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I disagree. These are all compromises. If he wants to see his wife in a certain way, it's not soo much he's asking for. People, it's important to keep this in mind that he was raised in Pakistan - their mentality about parda and dupattas and jeans is soo different.

Women are stared down at in Pakistan the moment they leave home, they feel like it's like that everywhere. But it's not. Nadz, seriously, if you just do it to make him happy, i.e. wear longer tops, you'll see eventually he'll stop caring. Right now both of you are making it an ego issue. That's the whole problem - just listen to him without getting defensive and he'll make it up to you I promise.

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people have different levels of tolerance kalli billi

for someone something like this might be controlling, for another it might be a trivual issue they need to work on.

communication and trust is the key to having a good relationship.

the only thing nadz has said is she feels he is controlling... and a lot of things he isnt even saying but she feels thats what he is saying... so maybe, its a lack of confidence on nadz's part.. i duno?

Nadz, seriously.... talk to him. Be mature about it. Asking someone not to wear something is not a big deal.

For me, I dress up for the hubz.. cus that makes me confident and makes me feel beautiful. At the end of the day, what he thinks of me matters the most to me.. He dresses nice for me, he does things for me... we do that for one another. If it's called controlling... then id be the first one to go to control jail

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Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?

another thing… he is in pakistan. He knows what goes on there.. so trust his instincts. He is probably talking from his experience there.

If my hubby asked me to do something like that, Id think he was putting me first and protecting me.

Straight_Up… right on! :k:

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Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?

^** SU** has made some good points as well. As I said earlier, if you like jeans, then consider loose-fitting jeans. Trouser jeans. Or other varieties of pants.

If he doesn't want you wearing half sleeves....then consider 1) half sleeves only at home OR 2) three-quarter sleeves.

Our hands and neck age the fastest...courtesy of the scorching sun...which seems to beam down with ALL ITS MIGHT especially in Pakistan. Covering your arms can help avoid over tanned arms and keeps the skin looking more youthful. (sumthin to think about)

But....stop seeking permission for every eechy beechy thing. And top seeking spousal praise for every eechy beechy thing. It's not healthy. Okay?

Timepass - February
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:salute:

:salute:

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Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?

dude
nad girl quit freakin whining, 4 years from now you going to have chubby arms and rear.
Then you gonna WANT wear FULL sleeves,
guess what, guy is still going to be in love with those piller like arms and legs.

SO
Chose what ever you want , but wisely !!!

Timepass - February
32

Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?

^ lol PM.. not everyone gets fat after getting married hehe...

Timepass - February
33

Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?

IF a big fat IF.

its quite clear from her posts that shes not willing to quit and is uncomfortable and doesnot have high tolerance rate :D

theres nothing wrong in looking a certain way but sorry im a feminist.

and i was telling MY opinion. :D

and i dont think her dressing is the ONLY thing thats gonna bother him in future. dressing is jst a start age age dekho hota hai kia........ :D

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Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?

Sadzzz **and **SU made some great points. For a while I forgot that Nadz was moving to Pakistan. And when SU brought it up, I remembered how the men in Pak have more of a staring problem than the guys over here....even if a woman is dressed conservatively. And the way things are going in Pak, the lack of compliance to rules,....it's best to draw little attention to yourself. I wear half-sleeves in Pakistan during the summer sometimes, but when going out...I drape a dupatta over my head/arms....even though I don't do hijab. And it's funny how the desire to wear a dupatta comes to you immediately and instinctively once you sense men coming out of their stores to gawk at you, eeeew! Flashback, lol.

In Pakistan....the dressing issue is a little trickier, so work with him/bargain on that. And if you feel that there is a struggle on issues besides clothes...then talk to him about how you feel...calmly. ;) Bargain.

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Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?

you know sadzz I am surprised to read your ab SU response(pleasantly)
atleast some woman know that hubby and wife dont need to be at war about certain things.

But some time problem is much worst/deeper, This girl I liked. she off course use to wear jeans and te-shirt. but never revealing way.
One day her mom/family brought her to the place I used to work. She was wearing tight shirt with certain push-up impact on you know where....
I was rude to her. next day we accidentally bum in to each other she was depressed ,I walked around with her and stuff.
Reason I am telling you the story is , when I finally got invited by mom for rishata, Holy Cawwooo mom was wearing maxxy kind of thing with rather big clavage showing .(totally)
when he sat crosed leg , her clearly "waxed" legs were showing till almost thighs.
I mean i knew girl she was modest by nature, but what you do with paindo-wanna-be-engreez moms, who make girls do stupid thing??

Timepass - February
Timepass - February
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Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?

^ LOL.........a MAJOR personality CLASH there PM Bhai. Yaar, what kind of people do you get involved with? And by the way, whatever happened with the confused ABCD who likes dumping his trashy magazines on his dad? You do ne-thing about that yet?

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Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?

i don't RV, when u live life out side of shadow of yor family things can get crazy some time.

Timepass - February
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Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?

^ hmmm if the girl is not like that, could u have looked past that?

i mean, so many times u see women in pakistan who have such low cut shirts and no dupattas… what do u do?

Ur relationshis is with the girl first, and the mother afterwards. So, if the girl u like i sensible and modest, then i think you should just give her a go :k:

kalli billi, I’m all for women rights and so forth, but there is a limit to it. In a relationship, my hubby and our relationship comes before my wanting to dress a certain way

personally, i dont think there is any underlying psychopath nature to the guy.. or nadz. These are very normal and may i add, trivual issues a lot of us deal with… and get over it eventually. Look past the controlling aspsect. Cus maybe its not a control thing… more just a protective nature thing.. and from whatever ive heard/read, he doesnt seem like an obsessice psychopath hubby-to-be… just a little on the protective side… and i quite like that

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Re: I feel like im being forced to change, what shall i do>?

so no updates on our favorite ABCD pervert? Thought u were gonna put him in his place, lol.

Timepass - February
40

Opss, here is a red alert Nads,
in the first place he is ur Fiance/Hubby to-be, u shud change the way u think saying who is he to set ristrictions on u, learn to respect his thoughts. It doesnt really mean that u must have to accept whatever he says, but dont bluntly say no to him

secondly, did u ever try to find out why he dont want u to wear jeans n all? I mean there is a reason behind everything

there cud be certain reasons behind it aswell, if u've ever been to pk then u must have known that dressing criteria is a bit different for girls here. wen women gets out of her home openly without dupatta/sacrf and more over in jeans n trousers, with short or no sleeves, everyone (specially men)luks at her in a wierd way from every angle (as if Xray machine is fit in their eyes, if u kno wot i mean) as if she is the first lady on earth they are looking at , that really sucks and sick mentality of majority people but thats a fact.

May be he wants to protect u from those sick mentality men......who are the most idle ppl on earth.....might be he dont want his wife to be pointed out by starngers regarding dressing, Wud u like to be famous among the Lofer Party at the corner of the road? and if u think n realize, its benificial for u in fututre. u will remain protected n safe n u'll feel free to go anywhere in covered dressing.

i myself like to wear short sleeves but wen going out of home i wear dupatta on head n arms n feel more safe n secure instead go going open headed.

I appreciate how plasantly Sadzz added her thoughts, its not the matter of compromising all the time, some time we cant judje whats gud for us in the long run.

I can understand ur condition aswell, as u've raised up in Uk or US, u might never seen or practiced wearing scarfs n covered dress, cuz there plple dont pay head wehther ur waering long of short shirt/sleeves,even if u wear sleeveless, it cuts no ice,weather u expose ur body or not, wearing such dresses, cuz everyone is use too these kinda stuff, not a big deal.

But here in pk it does make a difference. Ur Fiance seems to be not a mulla but a not only a gud care taker of basics of religion but also the dignity of his wife to be.

try to be more understanding, communicate with him, dont get harsh n extreme while disussion. convey ur thoughts too ,let him understand how u feel. let him kno that u'll try to adopt his fav dressing but forcing will not make any difference, or say u dont like to be forced in such manner.

Gud luck