I don’t think Icono intended his post as gruffly as it may have come across. But he does have a point. Every stage in life comes with its silver lining (along with black clouds) even if it’s in the form of a lesson or a struggle that strengthens your character. If you only stare at the black clouds, you will not be able to appreciate the silver lining because you’ll be blind to it. I do admit that the rishta market is still easier for men than it is for women. But unless your husband already has another woman (or man…ya never know) waiting in the wings for him, he’s not gonna find a replacement-wife so quickly. He’ll still have to face all the usual struggles that are part and parcel of the rishta process.
I would like to share with you the story of my cousin and perhaps it might provide you with some inspiration or at least appease your fears a bit. My cousin’s father was the headmaster of a school, but at a young age he became paralyzed (can’t remember how or why) and so he could not work. He needed help with even the most basic functions such as using the bathroom , dressing, etc etc. The family survived on the father’s pension, monetary aid from relatives, and providing tutoring sessions in the home. So that should give you an idea of how difficult her childhood was. She got married to a guy who belonged to an ill-mannered but well-to-do family. From the onset they showed their true colors. But my aunt agreed to the match because my cousin was no longer in her early 20’s anymore and she naively thought that the financial security would more than make up for what they lacked in character. Only 3 months into the marriage, the guy divorced my cousin. On one hand, he went about the divorce in the same abrupt fashion as your husband did. On the other hand, he was colder than your husband. He encouraged my cousin to spend her birthday at her mother’s home for a few days. He mailed the divorce papers as a sort of birthday present to her. Mind you, the mother was a poor widow at this point and she lived locally, so the guy could have delivered the papers himself. My cousin was blindsided; totally gobsmacked. She didn’t know what on Earth she had done that would warrant such a blunt end to her marriage. The guy’s family arranged for him to get remarried pretty quickly. Their next victim was a very beautiful girl who came from a poor family and therefore could not afford an education. They knew these details from the get-go. But they still taunted this poor girl for for her illiteracy even after the marriage. She may have been poor and uneducated, but she did not have the characteristic meekness of women from her background. She was a feisty one. She wanted to know how her husband’s first wife was treated and so she got in touch with my cousin who related her miserable experience with the family. This girl mustered the courage to divorce HIM. She dumped him. It is said that things began to unravel with the guy and his family. He even reached out to ME one day online asking how my cousin was doing. I told him that he had no right to inquire given his unjust treatment of her. All he said was…“You’ve no idea how much I am suffering.” Flash forward a few years later and the guy’s father sought my aunt and cousin’s forgiveness through a mutual contact. He had remarried a third time and the last we heard was that he was still childless. My cousin informed me that the guy and his family would make her take birth-control pills to ensure she wouldn’t get pregnant because the were intending to divorce her. It came out in the end that the guy had not wanted to marry my cousin; he was in love with another girl whom he never got married to. Karma is a very real thing.
My cousin remained single for some time and then she received the rishta of a guy who was based abroad and had a young child. She had rejected the rishta long ago but it came back to her again a few years later. Not having many options she accepted this rishta. This guy, unfortunately, didn’t have a stable job of his own and he lived in the house of his older brother whose wife was the sister of his…ex wife. Yep, a very sticky and tricky situation…a perfect breeding ground for insecurities and drama. This second guy proved abusive in ways that I don’t want to get into despite the fact that my cousin did everything she could to save her marriage as she was the daughter of a poor widow and she feared the label of a second divorce. But her husband was unwilling. He didn’t even want to communicate with her…much less see her. A second divorce took place.
My cousin didn’t go back to Pakistan as she knew how judgmental people would be toward her over there. So she made a life for herself outside of Pak. She went to school and put herself through a uni program to have a career in the legal field. Meanwhile her “ex” is still working an odd job. She does have her moments when she wishes she had a husband and a child, but I have noticed that those complaints have markedly decreased with the passage of time. She now appreciates the fact that her earnings are completely her own, that she can go wherever she pleases, that she doesn’t have to decipher the strange and contradictory moods of a husband, nor deal with the drama of in-laws. She enjoys life, goes about painting the town red with her friend, finds beauty in simple things. This woman is more cheerful, more positive, has more fun, is more confident than many married women I’ve across. I know our culture treats marriage as the be-all-end-all to life and you’d think that once a woman gets married, she’d feel complete and whole. But strangely I have come across married women who are more insecure than their single counterparts. If my cousin only stared at closed doors, she would not be able to appreciate some of the carefree freedoms…and simple joys…the blessings…that she has now.
Thank you redvelvet, for that. And thats horrible what happened in the past with your cousin.
A friend recently talked to me extensively about my situation. Her whole point was, i need to love myself enough to move on and build my own life, because guy or no guy, i come first. I dont need to put my happiness in the hands of another person. Which quite frankly, i have always done.
Not undermining a gf/bf relationship, but in my eyes, a spousal relationship would take more care, understanding etc etc. but she cut me off, saying, its still a relationship and if it doesnt work, then it doesnt work. Husband or bf, it still needs that nurturing. And my husband doesnt want to nurture it anymore. I have to accept that
my anxiety is only getting worse. The very word ?divorce? makes me shake. He doesnt call me by my nickname anymore, but used my real one the other day. That stung bad.
i can very well move on, i have a job, education etc etc. but that void in my heart, i dont know what to do about that.
Have you considered talking to a therapist? In the process of getting out all your feelings, you may unlock some realizations that can help facilitate healing and with the anxiety as well.
hey look on the bright side, the laws are in your favor. You won’t lose half your wealth and pay a crapton in child support unlike what most men have to go through.
[quote=““third string””]
hey look on the bright side, the laws are in your favor. You won’t lose half your wealth and pay a crapton in child support unlike what most men have to go through.
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It?s getting more and more real. And I am sometimes afraid I mght do something to myself.
Throughout the days and nights, I get anxiety after anxiety attack and I cannot stop thinking about him and how or what could I have done to prevent this from happening. I just cannot deal. I am on another level of being upset and hurt. It literally feels like a heavy thing has been placed on me and I cannot move it.
No one has to respond, that?s okay, I just need to let it out.
If you’re thinking of hurting yourself, at least pick a more worthy reason. I am sorry, but the dastardly manner in which your husband walked out on you renders him unworthy of such a sacrifice from you.
Unless your husband already has his next spouse lined up, he will have to face the same harrowing rishta search process as you. He, too, will have to face the hassle of seeing the divorce process through completion (just like). But one thing that he is not doing …is dwelling on you. I bet he’s taking care of himself. Remind yourself of this over and over again…so that you can start prioritizing YOURSELF as well.
I know that it’s not a competition and that every relationship has its special place and importance. But how long were you married to him? 3-4 years? You have known your parents for much longer and they have given more sacrifices for you. A husband is still potentially replaceable. But (God forbid)…what if one were to lose a parent? That’s an irreplaceable loss.
Watch a movie or 2 or 3 or 4. Now you don’t have to worry if that movie appeals to your husband’s moods or tastes. Go on a shopping spree. Get a hair cut. Paint your nails a color that is out of your comfort zone. After all, now you don’t have to worry about whether your husband will approve of a certain length, or color, or style, etc. Take a mini vacation to a nearby place or somewhere farther. Now you don’t have to worry if your husband will approve…nor do you have to ensure that you get back home by a certain time…to make dinner for him or take care of his other needs. Take that class or course that you’ve always thought about…because you now have that time. How about your spirituality? When was the last time that you recited the whole Quran outside of Ramzan? Or listened to the whole seerah? Or recited dhikr in abundance? You can do those things with more ease now…with fewer interruptions. You are so terrified about being alone that you do not see the beauty in the simple freedoms that come with that.
I think that when we contemplate “hurting ourselves” after some worldly loss, that might be an indication of our weak connection to Allah and our more stronger connection to the world and its people. It may even be an indication of the state of our self-concept/esteem. We came into this world alone. And we will go meet our Maker alone…when it’s our time to check out of this place. Every state has its pros and cons. If you only stare at the cons, you will rob yourself of the pleasure of those pros.
If he is meant to come back, he knows were to find you. If he isn’t coming back, that means he isn’t looking…he isn’t waiting…he isn’t hoping…he isn’t crying…he isn’t fretting. He isn’t doing the things that you are doing right now. He hasn’t made you his focus. He hasn’t made you his fear. He hasn’t made you his obsession. He is not channeling as much energy into you as you are into him. You may cross his mind from time to time, but he made his choice. He is doing him right now. Now it’s time for you to do YOU…on all levels…physical/emotional/spiritual.
It?s really hard pretending at work, with friends etc, that I am not breaking by the day.
He has already signed the papers, but I havent yet, and I still try to get him to work it out but he flat out refuses.
As you have mentioned that he is in no mood to listen and your families cannot help much either, it is a very difficult situation. In such a situation, I would try my best to buy some time, even apologize for things I don?t feel like apologizing for. And yes, I have apologized for things on which I deserved an apology instead, but never got. At best, it may actually bring you two together. At worst, you will be able to look back and find comfort in knowing that you indeed tried your best.
I have been on the receiving-end of divorce threats and understand how worthless they make us feel. Overtime I realized some people deep down have no qualms about divorce whatsoever and they are not merely bluffing while issuing those threats. It is a bad habit they somehow picked up to express disapproval. It is like the boss who hires in haste then fires in haste. But we can do only so much.
As we get older, starting anew is extremely difficult but we also cannot walk on eggshells for too long.
Because Allah has planned something better than him In ?āʾ Allāh (إن شاء الله,), you made all your efforts ما شاء الله(mā shāʾa llāh) and now leave the rest to Allah, i was divorced and i can understand how tough it is to go through all these process but trust me in the end as Allah say with difficulty ease comes and Al-ḥamdu lillāh الحَمْد لله i have a wonderful and loving husband and a beautiful daughter Al-ḥamdu lillāh الحَمْد لله who gave me allthis? Allah who first put me in the test of divorce and then Alhamdulilah i have got a beautiful family, in the beginning it?s always tough but later you will be thankful for the situation you are going through and I always say to my husband if i weren?t divorced how would i have you in my life
alhamdulilah He never burden a soul beyond ones capacity
Good…Other than your personal feelings for your hubby it should be ok. Dont know where you live or how long you were married but settlement will not be that bad…if kids were involved then it is a whole different ball game…that too depending on the kids and their ages…Good luck with the divorce…talk to people, go out, meet people, enjoy life build other relationships, dont get wrapped up with one side love…his loss.
yes you are right but happily there are many who has fate like mine! Is there anyone who is saying to you they have a hard time after divorce but i am assuring you! I can imagine how painful the time you have been going through! I still remember those days and i were like during the process may be i would have heart attack and i was having stress pain in my left arm i still remember those sleepless restless nights and Al-ḥamdu lillāh الحَمْد لله darkness brings lights next day! So its like night but day will come In ?āʾ Allāh (إن شاء الله,) when you willbe writing your good time like me!
But just stay positive though it?s really hard but always talk to people those who give you positive things