A acquaintance of mine is having issues in her marriage because her husband demanding that she her wears hijab. She doesn’t want to. (not yet she says - maybe will but wants the decision to come from herself)
He’s not budging. His mother, or sister do not wear hijab. No one is her family does either. He himself is not very religious. (from the outside - I can’t judge him).
Everytime they have to go somewhere together - they start fighting.
She thinks it’s a personal decision. Something she would like to do on her own. She wants to do it for Allah not because someone is forcing her to.
Thoughts?
(I know islamically what should be done but from a life perspective please!)
A good friend of mine started wearing hijab after her husband asked her to. He is in tabligh, his mom and sister don't wear, but he is very religious. She started wearing it and eventually got used to it. I asked her how she felt when her husband made that demand...so she said that while she wasn't really ready, she thought that he isn't asking her to do anything wrong so might as well do it. She also mentioned that if she were to ask him to do something for her, he would. I guess it's the type of relationship they have.
I know it's ideal if the choice came from within. After all it's only for Allah and Allah alone that we do those things, but let me tell you and most people may not agree, if a spouse asks you to do something for them we need to put pur egos aside and try to work on it. I know it's easier said than done but unless it's a wicked demand there shouldn't be such a major resistance.
Now in this case, the guy himself isn't that religious, but is there any other reason for his demand? Is he going through some insecurity or something about the wife that is bothering him?
My aunt (BBCD) married my uncle (born and raised in Pakistan) and when he came to England, he had a big problem with her not covering her head. They'd been engaged for 3 or so years prior to and he knew she didn't wear hijaab. So when she'd go out with him she'd just put it on to save arguments - and she says my uncle calmed down significantly and stopped caring about hijaab because she didn't fight back or get defensive.
If the wife listens to him because it's a big deal for him, he'll really appreciate her for it. Plus she can always do it for Allah swt alone even if he's asked her to wear it.. know what I mean?
why arent these things discussed between the guy and girl before they get married? All expectations where you want a partner to radically change their ways must be communicated!
I dont like the idea of "demanding" something like this...but maybe you could fill in some details? Like, where do they live? In a western country or in Pak? Is it because he is protecting someone so precious to him? Does his wife get ogles and wolf-whistles? Or is it that he is just insecure?
why arent these things discussed between the guy and girl before they get married? All expectations where you want a partner to radically change their ways must be communicated!
Because sometimes the husband or wife may see the light years after their marriage. So that is not the issue here.
The issue is since he is enforcing it now, should she oblige or should she go her ways ?
Is she really willing to part ways on such a trivial issue ? There are bigger things in life to take care of.
I respect people who wear hijab out of their own free will, they should be able to do what they like, its their religious preference after all. However, enforcing such things, especially to your life partner is just counter-productive and is just plain wrong. People should show a little more trust. Someone said that the guy is insecure about her, does he really in his right mind think that a hijab on her head would take away his insecurity? I dont fink so!!
Maybe she should ask her husband to grow a huge big sharayi beard and make him wear shalwar kameez to work every day too.
Niksik - the guy is not religious at all and it would be understanable if he was. I mean he loves to go to the beach and he would be wearing a "swim suit" without a shirt but would want his wife to wear hijaab. At weddings - he will be the first to hit the dance floor but again wants the wife to be very "proper"
She sometimes wear hijaab just to placate him. Avoid a fight. But when she is out alone she wont. She says she is not ready yet.
Hijaab was not discussed before marriage. They have been married for 11 years and he start asking her a year ago.
but she mentioned the guy himself is not religious...
This is the biggest problem. I know married guys who say such horrible crap about other girls in a very disrespectful way and stare at them, but when it comes to their own wives, they leave no stones unturned to make sure no one pulls such a stunt off at them, along with making sure they're proper muslimahs.
It's hard to predict each and every situation before marriage and mariage isn't a contract where you lay terms and conditions beforehand. Relationships grow and change with time and little adjustments need to be made at all times.
Really, if she stopped getting upset and tried to understand why he wanted her to be that way he may be able to get his feelings accross. All these "it's my right to and right not to" comes in when marriages are weak and have a shaky foundation. There's definitely a bigger problem than his asking her to wear hijaab. I know many women and men who have worn hijabs or beards because their spouse asked them to. If she really can't do it, she can talk to him and try to convince him but getting upset isn't going to solve the issue.
i used to know this girl in high school who would step out of her house in a black burqa because her brother made her (her brother himself was always out clubbing according to her ) so…she’s just walk into mcdonalds every morning and change in their bathroom to a tank top and a skirt!
but she mentioned the guy himself is not religious...
That does not matter. Someone told him or he himself came to this conclusion that enforcing hijab on his wife is a religious duty for him. , or maybe it dawned on him that since he is growing old and she is still young so people would be drolling on his wife. Who knows what is the motive behind his decision to enforce hijab at this point.
The question is does he have the right to enforce the hijab ? Should she oblige or part her ways on this issue ?
Niksik - the guy is not religious at all and it would be understanable if he was. I mean he loves to go to the beach and he would be wearing a "swim suit" without a shirt but would want his wife to wear hijaab. At weddings - he will be the first to hit the dance floor but again wants the wife to be very "proper"
She sometimes wear hijaab just to placate him. Avoid a fight. But when she is out alone she wont. She says she is not ready yet.
Hijaab was not discussed before marriage. They have been married for 11 years and he start asking her a year ago.
okey well he cant demand her to be all perfect when he himself is like this....
he needs to first look at him self....
it would be all okey if this came out from and average person who doesnt dance at the parties and do these kinda things....
he needs to first correct his own behaviour and do pardah (yes guys have to observe pardah too.... its in Quran) then he can ask his wife to do it....
i dont know why people wouldnt do one thing but they would definitely advice others to do it...
As a good Muslim, she should do it for Allah without husband demanding for it. Husband can but should not demand, he can request and support his request with answers why he feels it's neccesary.
She should listen to and try to understand her husband. Being a Muslim (practicing or not), he is not asking for anyting wrong. She has a right to say NO if he is asking anything 'GHAIR SHARAYEE'.
BTW, "Islam mein Parda hai Parday mein Islam nahi"
) so…she’s just walk into mcdonalds every morning and change in their bathroom to a tank top and a skirt!