Re: Behaviour of the Wife
Ok me and the wife finally got to have our discussion.
I went to pick her up and when it was time to leave her mother stated tat she was due to go to Pakistan in the next few days and the flight had been booked.She said she was going primarily to carry out an extension to an existing property and she decided it would be best to carry that out now. She said that she will be going for two months and that she asked my wife to come along as there is nobody else due to work commitments (nobody wants to go)and she said that she hasn’t got permission to go. I stated that I have never stopped her from doing anything since marriage but this time she cannot go at this particular time due to it being an inappropriate time as we have some issues. She then asked what issues we had and I replied that there were marriage related.
Suffice to say we left and came home. The Mrs didnt talk to me and pretty much stayed upstairs for a full 24 hours, during this period I made her breakfast but she didnt have any. Anyway she then text me that due to us not talking she will go back to her mums. I then essentially went upstairs and had a chat with her.
The things she complained about:
Your mum orders me to come downstairs and sometimes to do other things around the house and I do not like it. When i stated that your own mum does the same she said
but she does it with compassion. I have heard my mum tell her to do things which is very rare for her to ask but she asks exactly as she does with everyone else, if anything she is more polite
I asked why when she goes back to her mums I always ring every couple of days regardless of where my wife is but why does she not ring. That my mum always asks me
why she has not rang and especially when my mum was seriously ill and kept saying she will die but my wife still decided she wanted to go home. She stated that ‘I do not have that relationship with your mum and why should i bother with formalities’
She stated that I should not be sitting with my sis in law and chatting away and having a laugh without my brother present as it is wrong. I said fine but my nephew who is at that mehram age was there. She then stated how can you have such a relationship with your sis in law. I replied that she is like my sister but I do know the limits.
She stated that why do people ask me for help e.g. painting. I stated that family is family and so are friends and when they ask you determine whether you can help and you go and assist. She replied but they have their own partners and you shouldn’t need to help anyone.
Stated that my family has not done anything for hers. She said that she has come along with me to my siblings houses and they have not done the same. I stated that WE have been to my siblings houses and WE have been to your siblings houses so it is the same thing but NO she wants my siblings to go to her parents home etc which even they havent done and neither have hers.
She then stated that she feels as though people talk about her but that nobody has ever said anything wrong to her but nobody bothers about her family. I stated that whenever my family see you they always ask about your family but that is not enough she said
She then said that she hates people coming around to the house to help with mum. When I asked that what would you have me do i got quietness
She stated that I am like martyr who likes to help my family and I shouldn’t do as i have my own life. I asked her whether she helped her friends and picked soemthing up from the shop but she said that I shouldn’t even do that?
I asked her regarding her expectations of marriage and she said that she came here and wants her own routine and not to follow a pre-existing one. What should she wake up at 10:30am to sit next to mum and do a bit of the brushing when its the same as waking up at 12pm or 1pm. That she is not a wife from Pakistan and if that is what I wanted then I should have gone back home. She stated that she will do what she wants to do and it is upto her. She isnt a SAHW. I stated that she is as she doesnt want to work, gym or voluntary
I asked about making her husband breakfast and she said Islamically I do not have to do anything and I do enough, which she didn’t get into. But she will make breakfast for me on my working from home day. The other days she can try but not promising anything.
She then stated that she will always go home a week a month and whenever she wants as it is her family and she has a responsibility to visit and when she needs a break she will just go
She stated that we never spend time together except for the bedroom and whn we go out. I mentioned i come back from work and spend the whole evening with you but she replied that your mum is here
She then said I do not understand her. She sees all problems with peoples behaviours but i seem passive and oblivious and don’t notice anything. I said i don’t knit pick and i have been blessed with a great family by Allah. A family that never argues and hasn’t for years, a family that goes out their way to help others all the time but she said that i don’t want to understand what she is going through. I told her to be specific and give examples but nothing, just that my sis in law keeps staring at her but has never said anything wrong. She then said that she does not lke talking to that sister in law but why when we are sat together she always ends up having a conversation with me and not her. I stated its probably because you look ‘closed’ as though you are not interested but that was not enough
At this point more points where mentioned and I stated that we will rent a house and leave here but she didnt want that. She said that firstly whats the point to which i replied that I will be near my mum and fulfil my obligation but then she changed her mind and said we cannot leave as people will know that i made you leave your mum. I said I as your husband do not care what people say but lets move. She said ‘no, i will cope’. I sid to her i have no sukoon in my life as you are continuously telling me you hate it here, hate formalities and going to peoples house and inviting them and how you hate certain individuals because you do not think they talk to you enough. She then stopped talking to me so i gave up.
Regarding Pakistan I told her that her mum is going for two months and that Islamically I cannot let you go alone and with these massive issues that still arent resolved there is no point.She went off on one stating that I do not care about anyone from her side etc. I said I have a weeks holiday this month and we can go. I can fulfil my obligation towards you and you towards your mum but quite and then ‘can we forget islam for a moment and think about my mum and compassion, that she needs me’. This was said from a woman wearing hijaab and who reads her namaaz mostly.
Today she woke up, made me breakfast and then said ‘this is your incompetent wife making you breakfast’. Since then she has done everything around the house today.I think she will ask the abroad question again.
I am shocked at her replied I just couldnt believe that a perason would have so much hatred and no compassion for anyone. That it feels as thoug I shouldnt get along with anyone and to not help them. I was seriously shocked at her responses.
Her family definitely do not know about the content of the issues, just that we have issues.
i love horse riding but i never had a chance to do this until last week when my brother asked his friend to bring his horse to my house. he helped me jump on the horse . iwas so excited this excitement was over soon as horse moved and i was jumping on horse like a fiddle.horse was jumping without anyreason there was a point when i felt i will be on ground in next jump
this week i asked him that i want to ride it again this time i jumped on the horse with confidence and let the horse move .horse was acting the same but i pulled the strip enough that he had to calm down he jumped but as much as i wanted. i enoyed .
i am not saying treat your wife like a horse but you to act like you know how to RIDE .
anyway i manged to stop the horse but i was so ashamed of being unable to ride it back to his owner.