Husband and his laziness

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Husband and his laziness

X2 – commendable effort in trying to explain it, but in their minds, this is what women would like to see: A = ∞ ; B = 0 ; X = ♀ (her) expenses ; Y = 0 or Y = Z.

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22

Re: Husband and his laziness

A = unlimited? :D

Getting a place of your own
Getting a place of your own
23

Lucid, well not all women.

however some would find something to complain about regardless of circumstances.

I know a lady whose husband works 2 jobs to support his household, his parents household (which meant some of his siblings..older than him who were staying with the parents)..AND..her parents household (including her grown brothers who lived there and supposedly were not making enough)

her big complaint, he is not helping her out enough at home.

:smack:

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24

ditto :smack: … figures - even research backs it:
The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness

English challenge 2015
25

Re: Husband and his laziness

Tough situation. Don't know if it's ever possible to reason with someone with the mentality your husband has. He is willing to give them everything and more and let you suffer for it.

This is actually quite typical of men that leave Pakistan to set up home in another country. Its easy for people to say 'oh yeh you should support your parents etc' but I've seen instances where grown men have been paying for their parents and adult siblings and practically taking it from their own childrens mouths.

There is nothing wrong in him supporting his parents, but if he can't even afford to maintain his own living then he really needs to evaluate how he can manage two households. He should look for another job rather than expect you to find a job. After all, if he is able to provide for his parents and adult siblings why can't he provide for his wife?

As for his brother (if he is healthy and capable) he needs to get off his backside and find a job to pay his own way and contribute to the household and lessen the burden on the older brother. What a scrounger.

Stand your ground. How is their lifestyle in pakistan? How much do they get by on right now and how much more would they need? Based on such questions and on what you can afford set a budget and follow it. Allocate a set amount that you can afford to send to his family each week/month and stick to it until your finances improve and you can re-evaluate the amount.

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26

Re: Husband and his laziness

You are his meal ticket. his family married him to you to get him in to the West for the sole reason that he can earn money and send it back to them. he will choose them over you so don't bother trying to reason with him. Guys from Pakistan do this all the time. My cousin's maariage has just broken down specifically because of this reason. He sent all his money back home and told his wife to take care of the household expenses using the child benefit she gets, which obviously doesn't cover everything. He has walked out, she is pregnant with fourth child.

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Re: Husband and his laziness

^ That's so sad Ajuba. I know of plenty of relationships where this goes on, and in each of those instances the husband is from Pakistan! The families that they support don't need the money as much as they make out, but they figure that as the money is available they might as well have it before it gets spent elsewhere on the wife/children.

In genuine instances providing for ones parents is admirable and should be supported by the wife as far as is possible. But the husband should understand that when he starts to take it from what should rightfully be his childrens there is definitely a problem.

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werd, kambal pai..

who arranged your wedding to this moron? time to let them fix the mess they set up for you.

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I don’t see all these signs/symbols on my keyboard :cb:

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Right now its really bad in pakistan, people have no jobs and the cost of everything is keep going up and up so if my husband was sending some money to pakistan to help then i won't mind it. After all they are his family too but at the same he shouldn't neglect you either. He can't just move in new tenant in your house or force you to work.

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I was in similar situation , the only difference was he had 3 brothers out of which 2 had wives and kids. His dad was also earning. Like all of you know I did support my husband and gave him money. But I won't suggest you the same , he has no right to ask you to work . You are his responsibility same way his parents are. I have seen that parents emotionaly blackmail their kids and completely ignore the rights of wife and children. Every one has his/her own place and no body's rights should be compromised for another. I am assuming you don't have kids right now so when you will have kids Insha Allah and you might have to quit work to raise your baby then what will happen. I will advise you to tell your husband that see I dont stop you from supporting your parents but it's your problem to fulfil financial needs of your parents and mine as well. To me if you work and support the house hold and he sends his earnings back home then it's just a change of hands it's actually you who is doing all the work and supporting. I feel it's perfectly fine that in future if you have to work for your kids for their education and other expenses other than that it's not obligatory on you to work he cannot force you. It's his problem and he should find a way and should work on it .

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32

Welfare ??? hello ??? In Pakistan???

Iksa, have you tried to talk to him about his? Like why does he do that and if his parents are REALLY in a need of money or he just sends it as "token of appreciation for all they have done for him". Its quite a sensitive matter and you have to deal with it carefully. If his parents are in need, you have to make sure you optimize the expenses on parents side (and your side) but not cur their life line. If they are really not in a need, then off course you can have more aggressive discussions with him on this.

I do send money back to my parents to Pakistan and mostly its just as a token of appreciation. My wife never had problem with this. I talked with her in early days of our marriage. I told her the equations that X2 has mentioned. I asked her if she has any problem with it If I send lets say 400$-500$ per month to my parents. Here is what she said

*"XXXXX, I totally understand what you are doing for your parents and I am proud of you. Only thing I want is that our kids gets their wishes fulfilled and gets their right share after all whatever you and I are doing and will do, is for their betterment and other than that I will never have problem with this" *

This statement was made in initial days of our marriage and I thought hat it might change over time but I checked with her as latest as 3 months ago and statement still holds valid :)

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33

Re: Husband and his laziness

Thank you all for your posts!

He know all his duties that he has to fulfill for his parents...But not his duties for me!
I don' t mind if he wants to send money to PK to his parents.

I only asked him to fullfill all his duties here...and the money that is left over can be sent to his parents....He agrees with that...But he doenst't want to work more than three hours a day coz it's really hard for him....So for him it's much more important to save money for his parents than to pay here.....
Is it weird if I got mad when he said that to me???
So that's why he said to me that he wants to sell my house to live in a room for me...so that everything will be easy for him to pay....So I asked him to work more hours...BUt that's really difficult for him...pfff....He has never worked so hard...YEH RIGHT!!!

The point now is...I've quit my job coz I was really depressed coz of my work...He doens't understand that I need some time to recover.

So I have to work here to pay all the expenses of him and me...and he can send all his money to his parents....His parents also support his sisters (MY sils)...so he is also expecting that my parents will help him....and yeh they did...they gave him two opportunities to work at two of our places...but he didn't wanted..coz it was hard for him....PFF

I've told my parents everything...they understand me...They have given him advise to sent money backhome if he has fulfilled all his expenses here....if he needs more money than he should work more....But he doesn't understand....He denied everything he said to me...I was like WTH....but I'm happy that I came to know his real face!!

I've said to him that I want X amount of money....and I'll find a job and will arrange Y money..So that we pay our expenses...But I can't work fulltime..coz I'm mentally not ready for it.....
and yeh he is still working 3 hours a day...We'll see if I'll get X amount in my hands 30th of Jan.....

He also want kids..as soon as possible....Pfff...funny guy!!

I'm feeling upset but at the same time I feel much stronger...Coz this is the time to take a step..If he is soo lazy...than I don't want to ruin my life!
We're married for abt 1,5 yrs...but started to live together abt 3 months....

And yes I want kids....even if I will leave him....I need a kid who needs me...someone for whom I should wakeup every morning....

If I will break this realionship than I wil work fulltime to fullfill all the expenses....I will do anything to keep myself happy!!

I tried to do a lots of things for him.....Like doing everything in the house.....cooking, cleaning wahsing clothes etc etc....Buying clothes for him....I did this all coz I wanted him to relax and focus on his work...Cooked dishes for him which I never made in my life...kheer/curry....standing in the kitchen for 3/4 hours to make a man happy!! I was stupid!

BTW He lived in a nother country before he came here...

And he doens't has any degree....pfff...

I cried a lot for my bad kismat...but things can change to make it better

So I will do that!

Pls pray for me!

Thank you!

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Re: Husband and his laziness

why can't he work more than 3 hours a day? does he have some illness or disability or is he just lazy?

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Re: Husband and his laziness

wow. iksa, if its children you want, you can go for artificial insemination and be a single parent. Then, you would be supporting yourself and your baby only - as opposed to supporting yourself, baby, husband and his entire family.

3 hours a day? sheesh, unless he's disabled thats pretty pathetic.

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Re: Husband and his laziness

your husband sounds like a winner.

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Didn't you/your parents know BEFORE you got married/started living with your husband that he works only a few hours a day and holds no degree? If you were aware of his working hours, did you not make an effort to find out the reason why he does not take up a full-time job?

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Re: Husband and his laziness

great explanation Pir ji :k:

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Re: Husband and his laziness

this guy certainly want an easy ride at your expense. i mean if he is really sincere with you and his family, he should be working his a$$ off and try to make decent living for both of you and send some money for paretns and other family etc.

on the same note, its wrong expectation from Pakistani family that a person who has been just in her for 3 months to support them with hefty money that grows on trees in west.

i do support my parents myself, but after covering my kids and wife needs here. my wife can work but not working due to young kids and some of her professional exams. if wife work sometime later in life, that will be good for us and kids, I dont rely on her to support me or the family back home at all. ups and downs do come in life and supporting each other in those hours i think all can act as family if there is real emergency need once in a while.

the core reason here is he doesnt work full time, 3 hours a day is just nothing, I dont think a person can even cover his own expenses at married man. is he in the wrong job? thinking he too qualified for this job? and yet cant get his own profession job yet?

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**khair, i just want to say that instead of montly why not try weekly, like he should gve u x amount per week for ghar ka samaan n y amount is set aside for bills, n watever is left u can both spend on urslves or send back home ONLY if ur household expenses have been met

my BIL lives in Gran Canaria n he earns twice as much as my hsbnd dsnt pay any rent n most of the time his food is paid fr by his employers too, he has 2 kids n a wife who r in pak, despite them being his responsibility, my hubby stills sends them money, i dnt have a problem with that, why because hes taking care of us n saving for our 2 children n paying our rent as well as bills, althoough it does make me wonder y they need financial help when she has a working husband earning more euros than our pounds, i even asked hubs that n he said i just send it as a gift, i mea he only sends around 200 every other month, nt bad

so i advise u to sit him down n talk things thru like get a pen n paper n write ur expenses, n then decide wats left to send back home.
make it clear that its his responsibilty to cfulfill allur need even if it means playing the religious card, oh n please try n solve these issues urslf frst, involve parents as a final resort :slight_smile:
**

i said the same thing :slight_smile: