What would you girls do if your husband says that he can’t pay the house expenses? Coz He has to send money back home and he has to pay their costs in PK…He has two brothers. He youngest brother doenst’ work. Too lazy! Now my husband force me to work!! If I don’t want then he wants to give my house for rent to someone and then he wants to live with me in a room. I just decorated my house!! I really hate this!!
I’ve never been his responsibility!
Re: Husband and his laziness
you should have married one of the younger brothers, that way he would of stayed home and still would of gotten the money.
Re: Husband and his laziness
^ im sure she came on here to get some serious advice not to be ridiculed :|
@ iksa, you need to have a serious conversation with him..just tell him that you appreciate he has responsibilites back home BUT that does not mean you should leave your newly decorated home and liv in a rented room just so that he can fulfill so-called family responsibilites!! how long have you been married for? He needs to know that you're just as much of his responsibilty as his brothers are (if not more!), and that if they need jobs then guess what they're going to have to get them to support themselves. what about when you have kids (if not already) and they need food, clothes etc? is he just going to ignore their needs to fulfill his brothers? You need to help him maintain a balance hun..hope you can talk some sense into him! x
Re: Husband and his laziness
Did u know from the beginning that your husband would be supporting family back home? Did u apply some demands to how that would work out?
Re: Husband and his laziness
Do his parents need his money? Why? Are they elderly or infirm?
I just dont understand parents who take money from their married children. I'd go on welfare before I accepted money from my kids.
Do his parents need his money? Why? Are they elderly or infirm?
I just dont understand parents who take money from their married children. I'd go on welfare before I accepted money from my kids.
Sorry to say, I am in my late 40s now, would certainly expect my children to support us in our old ages (but within there means).
This is the way have treated our parents, and same is expected from our children.
But the way OP's husband is behaving is not acceptable and shameless, I would certainly get angry if my son in law demand that type of support from my daughters.
I think its perfectly okay for him to support his parents. That's how it should be. He is a good son.
I don't think he should be paying for his brother's living though. If the brothers are in good health to work for their own families then I don't think its right for your husband to support them. He has his own responsibility towards you.
Do his parents need his money? Why? Are they elderly or infirm?
I just dont understand parents who take money from their married children. I'd go on welfare before I accepted money from my kids.
With all due respect, I find that a very shallow argument from the kids' perspective. If parents think that way, I think it is okay for them, but kids using the same argument as grounds for not supporting their parents, is the height of selfishness.
Moreover, west and east are quite different when it comes to social norms, familial bonds, nurturing of kids and the expectations from kids when they grow up. In the west, most parents think their job in terms of financial support is finished once the kids start college. In the east, given that the parents can afford it, the financial support isn't over with till much later, and especially when the social safety net (Government loans for studying, grants, bursaries, scholarships etc) is not even an iota of what exists in the West, children owe a lot to their parents for all their education and progression in career.
So if he was given support for his education, it's his moral duty to keep returning the favor, and even if he wasn't supported enough, they are his parents.
Do his parents need his money? Why? Are they elderly or infirm?
I just dont understand parents who take money from their married children. I'd go on welfare before I accepted money from my kids.
Although its not a shariah obligation of kids to give money to their parents, it is considered of high in sawab(deeds) to look after them in any way possible.
Mamaof3,
The ethos of the parent/children relationship are quite different between desi communities and the Western society. Unlike the west, parents rarely contribute to their own retirement plans while pursuing their gainful employment years – not because they can’t afford to, but because they’d rather help and support their kids to the maximum extent possible. It is quite common for parents to assume financial responsibility for their kids entire education including University tuition, room and board etc. - student loans are rare, and many families don’t want their kids to work while they’re studying. It only makes sense in such scenarios, that kids support their parents later in life if needed.
That being said, it’s absurd to be helping siblings if they’re fully capable but just lazy. Even parents usually only accept support if it doesn’t come with undue hardship for their kids.
Iksa***,
I don’t think your husband’s lazy – rather the support he’s providing his family shows that he’s a caring person, but perhaps his priorities need to be re-aligned. Also, if he’s asking for your understanding and help in the situation, it shows that he trusts you and truely considers you as a partner in his strife... part and parcel of a marriage. I’m not saying he’s doing the right thing, but just that it isn’t as dreadful as it may seem on the outset. You need to talk to him calmly and tell him that supporting family is good, but not when someone like his brothers are mooching off of him.
Re: Husband and his laziness
i feel like people are missing the point of her post. he cannot cover his own home expenses (which btw he is responsible for) because he's helping them. is that fair to her?
Re: Husband and his laziness
On the other hand, employment opportunities in Pakistan are criminal.
I bet if you girls had starving brothers in Pakistan, you'd send them money.
Re: Husband and his laziness
women do give sacrifices for the sake of their homes n families. thats what we have been seeing n learning thru out our lives. may be u should help him out by looking for a decent job, rather stand against him at this difficult time.
Re: Husband and his laziness
It does not cost a fortune to support your family in Pak. I agree that it is a good sign that your husband is considerate about his parents and I am sure he will set a good example for your children. Also, a husband does not become lazy if his wife works outside; most successful and prosperous families I see at least here in the West have both spouses working.
Re: Husband and his laziness
im sure she knows her family and in laws better htan we are presuming to know hers.....who knows, maybe the younger BIL really is lazy...is he really giving enough to cover their costs or is he giving alot of moneyt o cover their ayaashi/shopping etc?
Iksa..i think u should get a job.
What would you girls do if your husband says that he can't pay the house expenses? Coz He has to send money back home and he has to pay their costs in PK....He has two brothers. He youngest brother doenst' work. Too lazy! Now my husband force me to work!! If I don't want then he wants to give my house for rent to someone and then he wants to live with me in a room. I just decorated my house!! I really hate this!!
I've never been his responsibility!
what do you mean by having the house for rent and you both live in one room? How does that work? How does it make sense?
He wants you to work so you both can live in the house while he sends his money back home? WOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
There has to be more to this story....
Re: Husband and his laziness
les start with the assumption that he needs to support his family in Pakistan. because if he does not then this is a moot point and the focus of your efforts should be on stopping him from suporting them.
But lets assume that he has to support them.
so right now
income = A (what he earns)
expenses = X+Y ( X is your and his expenses, Y is his parents/siblings expenses)
and the situation we have is that A < X+Y
so you can do one of three things
1) A + B( your income) >= X+Y
you work and your combined income is more than the two expenses
2) A >= X+Y-Z (where Z is deemed as extreneous expenses by his clan)
so within his income both expense sources are met, but he reduces what he sends over. I have seen it at times where people like you and Him sacrifice your needs to support 'wants' of extended families. in one case this family receiving help had a maid, I mean really.. if you are old and infiorm then fine but in a family with preteen and teen kids around, share the load and save on expenses.
3) A+B >= X+Y-Z
you work, your combined income is enough to meet both sets of expenses however you start setting some rules and contain this because there is a saying in urdu "maal e muft, dil e bey reham" bascially free stuff is treated unkindly..the people's expenses and alleged 'needs' will keep increasing.
You need to have a financial plan, which factors in earnings, savings, longer term plans and then your needs must be met before other people's needs, and then their wants come after your wants. You can be generous sometimes and kill your want to a new TV because they want a new washer dryer.
my advise is that you talk to your husband rationally and be open to working for your family's future but put down a full list of expenses, both your household and his parents household and put them through a sanity check.
If that is not done the big issue that I see happening is that as you start working and bringing in more income, depending on what his family's approach is, their demands may increase to the tune of oh yeah we had other needs we did not bring to your attention but now that mashaAllah both of you are working it should not be an issue etc etc, and you will be back on this forum noting that both you and he wrk and now are going for second jobs or significantly cutting your expenses or savings for future.
^:hayaa: all that calculations 
What would you girls do if your husband says that he can't pay the house expenses? Coz He has to send money back home and he has to pay their costs in PK....He has two brothers. He youngest brother doenst' work. Too lazy! Now my husband force me to work!! If I don't want then he wants to give my house for rent to someone and then he wants to live with me in a room. I just decorated my house!! I really hate this!!
I've never been his responsibility!
ahhh, but have you ever been your own responsibility?
your approach here needs to change, its not his laziness that is the issue, he may not be making enough, may need to look for a new job or in your view should he be the one getting a second job?
as I noted earlier, you guys need to work things out, i dont know what the final solution for you guys would be, but discussing this in a mature manner as a partnership would give you much better returns.
also, depending on size and setup of your house, you may not even need to rent the whole house, i have seen cases where people have rented out a room in their home to someone, sometimes a student or often a professional who wants to be closer to his job for the week, since his own home is 3 hrs away from work, and he/she does not want to move the family so they rent a room in someone's house and show up there after work on Monday and are there mon-thu nights but friday go home directly from work.
depending on comfort level and all, it may not be the ideal situation, but then I am sure your husband would rather not have to support his family either but has to. We get situations in our life that are not ideal but we do our best to deal with them.
However, please make sure that you have discussion with your husband where he knows and feels he has your support and build a trust on this issue, and do put the expenses of his parents houseold through a sanity check.
