Re: Huge fight with husband
if it's my money ill do what ever i want with it. why not do this like what happens with american families i know. both husband and wife work. they both have setup a budget this is what we need to live of and they both pay their half. after that they can do what ever they want with it.
Re: Huge fight with husband
yes i agree with usman too. you can fix budget and can help your parents every month rather than every 3 to 4 months.:)
Re: Huge fight with husband
Re: Huge fight with husband
Re: Huge fight with husband
he knows whats going on with my money, i told him several times that i have money saved up but i have to pay my tution fees, i think the part is that when we got married he was jobless and he thought that i would have tons of money but when i didnt that made him go @#$FD$T%T%GYGT$. he thinks if i can do so much for my parents why cant i do that for our house too and i used to contribute half my salary when i was working full time but since i am in school an d working part time now so i dont...which he is not happy abt inside and it comes out when we are having an argument.
Re: Huge fight with husband
^ married a job less person is the first mistake u did but
Re: Huge fight with husband
Those of you who are bringing Islam as their argument i might remind you, that wife cannot work without the permission of her husband. OP's husband islamically can prevent her to work and support her parents.
And what is wrong with telling the husband about financial situation of parents. Even men who are sole earners in the family shud share their financial situation with wives, why can't she do that.
And frankly if the parents are so ashamed of letting damaad know what they are getting from their daughter, they shud not accept anything from her.
Telling husband about finances is not bad. But giving them money through him is not a good idea.
Frankly, its not about shame. Its about privacy and izzat. If you cannot respect your and your wife's parents...you've got bigger issues than this thread.
Reha I based the suggestion from my own experience. My parents aren't too well off either and we sisters have to help them from time to time. My husband knows their financial situation and is completely okay with me helping them out.
I don't see why their financial situation must be kept hidden from the husband. In fact if he knows and understands the facts, he will likely also understand the need to help them out. Won't it be completely bewildering for him if he thinks his in laws are doing just fine, yet his wife continues to give them money every month? Why keep secrets between husband and wife? It only leads to misunderstanding and needless drama.
Plus the damaad knowing about his in-laws money issues doesn't automatically mean he will humiliate them at every opportunity. In fact he may become more sympathetic to them.
Im not saying HE will humiliate them. I am talking about how THE PARENTS will feel after knowing not only does damaad know but he is the one handing them money every month?
thanks everyone . people have made suggestions to talk to him about my parents financial situation. well first of all i dont want to discuss my family private matters with him. second i dont help my parents every month i help them rarely every 3 to 4v months and not by much. he doesnt know how much money i have so he assumes i have nothing saved. teh big issue is the money that i spent when i wasnt married. like seriously why does he care abt that . and my other sisters are young in schools so they cant help, and he also tells me that teh way i have helped my parents they have to make my other sisters work and help them too, like seriously is that any of his business. such a cheap mentality.ahhh :( .. and the person who is saying " who takes money from their daughters" sorry to say but you must be heartless person who dont want to help his/her parents.
he knows whats going on with my money, i told him several times that i have money saved up but i have to pay my tution fees, i think the part is that when we got married he was jobless and he thought that i would have tons of money but when i didnt that made him go @#$FD$T%T%GYGT$. he thinks if i can do so much for my parents why cant i do that for our house too and i used to contribute half my salary when i was working full time but since i am in school an d working part time now so i dont...which he is not happy abt inside and it comes out when we are having an argument.
Tell him its none of his business where that money went. End of discussion.
And I am not sure why you married someone who wasn't employed and was depending on you to support him.
Re: Huge fight with husband
are his parents saying anything to him? are they taunting him about you giving money to your parents?
TBH, as many have said, it doesnt matter what you were doing with your money before you got married. And even if you had zilch saved up before marrying him, he should have no concern about that.
After marriage, thats a different story. Yes, what you earn is your money.. BUT you're in a marriage now. Not single anymore. Its not about his money, your money or whsoe money in it is. You just need to openly communicate with one another and let each other know what each others expectations.. and how to best manage the finances together.
If your hubby isnt working... and you are earning and giving money to your parents, I can see why he would be getting ticked. Discuss things with him, without having the my/your attitude.... when in a marriage, you have to think of it as "US" and see how you both can find a solution together.
In regards to him being jobless... Im not sure how big of an issue that is/was.
Jobs come and go...
Re: Huge fight with husband
Maybe because it becomes pretty boring seeing every other man do the same thing over and over again?
Should employment be made for a valid excuse to disqualify a man going through a indefinite tough phase? A 9'er he is yet to the world a flop. And a bigger one if she tags him as one. Just cant see the rationale in that one.
Re: Huge fight with husband
^ i guess a separate discussion... but in our society its definately hard to find someone (a woman) who is accepting of a man who does not earn.
And i am not talking about just our desi society. If women themselves dont have an expectation about what a man is earning or doing with his life, the society around would most definately.
I used to work with a woman, who said to me, in their family, from about 3-4 generations back, the woman is the breadwinner of the house whereas the man is free to go about finding his dream per se... even with her relationship, she was the one with the education, she was the one working and getting the loans for a house and what not... whereas her partner was jumping from unemployment to employment every other week/month.. it was odd... but certainly an eye opener.
Re: Huge fight with husband
He was just unemployed at that time, he is very well educated and have a more than handsome salary now.. sometimes i think abt quiting my job then he would have no reason to question me abt money but then i think abt my education coz even though he can afford to pay for my education he never will. he will tell me to get a loan. and someone in teh above post said giving money to parents through him ( i dont know where that come from) thats not the case. if i quit my job i have to be dependent on him for every penny, i am not sure if i should do that and i have a nice job.
Re: Huge fight with husband
He was just unemployed at that time, he is very well educated and have a more than handsome salary now.. sometimes i think abt quiting my job then he would have no reason to question me abt money but then i think abt my education coz even though he can afford to pay for my education he never will. he will tell me to get a loan. and someone in teh above post said giving money to parents through him ( i dont know where that come from) thats not the case. if i quit my job i have to be dependent on him for every penny, i am not sure if i should do that and i have a nice job.
Could the reason of him not being committed with supporting his wife's educational needs be because of him having parents/sisters/brothers back home to look after? And hence feels he does enough for them as well as contributing significantly within their own household affairs?
Re: Huge fight with husband
^ i guess a separate discussion... but in our society its definately hard to find someone (a woman) who is accepting of a man who does not earn.
And i am not talking about just our desi society. If women themselves dont have an expectation about what a man is earning or doing with his life, the society around would most definately.
I used to work with a woman, who said to me, in their family, from about 3-4 generations back, the woman is the breadwinner of the house whereas the man is free to go about finding his dream per se... even with her relationship, she was the one with the education, she was the one working and getting the loans for a house and what not... whereas her partner was jumping from unemployment to employment every other week/month.. it was odd... but certainly an eye opener.
Society. The same retarded element that we're often found claiming to not give two chits for. Right?
So you're saying the blame often is to be on the woman's head for failing a man that managed to outscore all his competitors in every available category out there but one, something the others couldn't claim for but were considered to be superior compared to the one who was more savvy/talented and promised to be a better man than all combined. I think we're pretty much on the same page here. :D
As for the woman made example of. Unfortunate. Some get away easily while some don't. Though from the little that I could tell, it still hasn't encouraged the two to split. There's clear spark still to be seen there. But even if there wasn't one, I still don't don't see why one or two examples need to take precedence over five more that ended as a success.
Re: Huge fight with husband
^ lol, i have to read your posts like 10 times before i understand… and im still not sure whether your’re disagreeing with me or not 
you’d be suprised about how many women (desi women) marry men who dont have a job at the time of courtship or getting to know one another… and even how many desi women are married to men who are not working, but they work.
I know of a couple where the man is a lot older than she was, and when he got made redundant, he could not land another job cus of his age and what not… so for as long as i have known this person, which is almost 2 and a half decades, she has been the bread winner.
Society does put a lot of pressure on us… and im pretty amazed how this couple has survived.. im sure there are a lot of people who say crap about the man living off his wife and what not… but whatever. I have heard extremely intelligent people, people i look up to make such comments… but you know what, at the end of the day, circumstances in life dont always abide by what the general society wants us to behave like. We do whatever we can to survive, and hoping our heads are still held up high in the process.
I am not of the belief that a guy needs to be working or be in some secure job at the time of getting married/courtship… If i had those beliefs, I wouldnt be married to the man i love the most
Re: Huge fight with husband
I’m pretty much agreeing to your post where you suggest its usually the woman that ends up chicken legging a man when he least expects her to. That is it. 
Re: Huge fight with husband
^ and you will have to explain the term "chicken legging"
Re: Huge fight with husband
Mere weaklings. Chickens. :p
Re: Huge fight with husband
Lol.. ok :)
Re: Huge fight with husband
Ok, I think I know what Exodus means here. I agree that in a marriage, there are going to good and bad points, habits, personality traits that rub husbands/wives the wrong way. Just one flaw is not enough to call someone a bad husband/wife, nor is it reason to get divorced. Correct? Good. I completely agree. But....
In this situation, we have another bigger, much larger problem that trancends any minor personality flaw, and that is the disdain that OP's husband feels towards the help she has provided to her parents financially. This is something that hits very close to home for me, because I am the youngest of three girls, with no brother. My parents did not have any "sahara" in that sense. You better believe my sisters and I did everything we possibly could to take care of them when they needed it the most. And it was my parent's 2 damads that made that decision. They are the ones who put the plane tickets in our hands to go take care of our parents. They are the ones who payed the hospital bills, the chemotherapy bills, the other expenses. And not because we asked them to, or my parents couldn't..but because they knew that my sisters and I did the exact same thing for our inlaws as well. My MIL and I do not have a very loving relationship, and she has been downright nasty to me, but when she had knee replacement surgery, I was the one who bathed her, changed her wrappings and stayed in the hospital. I have never complained to my husband about her sharp tongue or stopped him from supporting his mother financially. We both share the mutual respect and responsibility towards our elders, and that is how a healthy marriage should be.
Iss duniya ki sab si barri nemat hoti hai maa/baap aur bachay ka rishta. Maa/baap ki khidmat karna aur unki dhek bhaal karna kitna barra farz hai, koi mujsay poochay. I thank Allah SWT everyday that I had the chance to support my parents, and it still will never repay all they did for me.
Laanat ho aisi insaan par jo apnay saas ya susr ka khaiyal na rahkay ya apnay spouse ko rokay kidmat karnay say. And that goes both ways, regardless if it's a husband or wife's family we're talking about.
rant over
Re: Huge fight with husband
Heads up. I don't think I have an idea of what the OP speaks of. And nor did i skim through this thread in its entirety to make sure I did. My post however was in response to Reha's (Last paragraph mainly). Other than that, I have nothing to say or respond to. Thank you much. :D