This is my first thread here i believe. so a little background on me. i am the eldest daughter and have always financially helped my parents and took care of my sisters. i got married to my cousin and from the first day of marriage ’ this thing is stuck in his mind that my parents have took all my money and that i spend everything on them’ he believes that all the money spend on our marriage and the gifts given to him was my money and my parents didnt spend a penny on him. i work only part time after marriage and also in university . i have to pay my fees thats why i dont contribute much at home. he thinks that i am sending all the money to my parents. i am sick and tired of his behaviour
. this topic cause huge fights between both of us . he even tell his family that her parents did not spend a penny on me and all the gifts were bought with her money which is not the case but he doesnt believe me. i am so sick and tired of the same argument everyday. tell me was i wrong when i was not married , working . we are from a middle class family so wasnt i suppose to help my parents.. was i suppose to kepp all my money and let my parents suffer financially..i am just going crazy on this issue..there is alot of other details but i dont want to make people read a novel. Men please tell me if you have wives with similar backgrounds . do u give them ( tanay) of helping their parents financially. we have had plenty of conversations on this topic i just cannot change his mentality.
Re: Huge fight with husband
This is my first post here i believe. so a little background on me. i am the eldest daughter and have always financially helped my parents and took care of my sisters. i got married to my cousin and from the first day of marriage ' this thing is stuck in his mind that my parents have took all my money and that i spend everything on them' he believes that all the money spend on our marriage and the gifts given to him was my money and my parents didnt spend a penny on him. i work only part time after marriage and also in university . i have to pay my fees thats why i dont contribute much at home. he thinks that i am sending all the money to my parents. i am sick and tired of his behaviour . this topic cause huge fights between both of us . he even tell his family that her parents did not spend a penny on me and all the gifts were bought with her money which is not the case but he doesnt believe me. i am so sick and tired of the same argument everyday. tell me was i wrong when i was not married , working . we are from a middle class family so wasnt i suppose to help my parents.. was i suppose to kepp all my money and let my parents suffer financially..i am just going crazy on this issue..there is alot of other details but i dont want to make people read a novel. Men please tell me if you have wives with similar backgrounds . do u give them ( tanay) of helping their parents financially. we have had plenty of conversations on this topic i just cannot change his mentality.
nope... this is your 17th ...
Re: Huge fight with husband
Did not he marry you knowing that you are a working lady and from middle class and might be helping (and continue to help) your parents?
I say that you talk to his parents, and tell them that you are daughter first and you have an obligation to support your parents.
Re: Huge fight with husband
nope... this is your 17th ...
maybe she meant thread.
Re: Huge fight with husband
The guy is a lost cause. Id say.
It is duty of every child be it a daughter or son to not just support parents financially but in all cases no matter. If your parents say that dont spend money on us then yes your husband has right in saying that you shouldnt. But until that happens .. He should take a step back and be ashamed. Infact hes the one who should be helping.
How are his parents? financially i mean. Do they support themselves. Is he not close to his parents and doesnt feel the bond that the children should have for their parents?
Re: Huge fight with husband
Sorry ya i meant thread. he knew everything but i think he was under the impression that i have tons of money saved up. yes he do help his parents. i have no idea what to do i just want to die. i love my parents so much specially they have been through so much in life that i want to see them happy. his family also thinks that i have stuffed my family with money' i havent done anything for them after marriage but he still thinks that help them. i just want to die or get a divore but i dont want to embarass my parents.
Re: Huge fight with husband
Islamically speaking, he has no holds or say on your income. It is yours to do with as you please. Our deen is very firm on this.
My husband is also a bit of a financial control freak, but NEVER has he questioned a single penny I've spent on my parents...in fact, he was their biggest sahara when they needed it, alhamdullilah. Same with my brother in law. My parents' damaads never shied away from supporting my parents, emotionally or financially.
I don't think I could live worn someone who disrespected my duties towards my parents.
Re: Huge fight with husband
i do so much for his family and never stopped him from supporting them, but he and his family has t same mentality. i am extermly stressed i dont even wanna see his face.
Re: Huge fight with husband
Um, he has no right to get angry. He has no right to stop you from supporting your parents. He has even less rights over your parents’ money and being privy to the details of the wedding expenses and how they were handled.
Okay he is your husband and I understand that part. BUT you should never have shared your parents’ personal information with him. Its not about sharing everything with your spouse. Its about keeping your parents’ izzat and keeping their image in your husband’s eyes as well as your inlaws.
Once you guys understood each other more it would have been safer to talk about this but right now? It seems like the wedding should have been all about him…lol. He sounds like a girl throwing a fit over her bari ke kapray. 
Re: Huge fight with husband
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Why should your parents spend money on him? Tell him that he has the Islamic responsibility to earn for himself, you and his own parents … Your parents should not be giving him any money … Unless he is below nisab to receive zakat. If they give him, the money you have given them then that is up to them and out of the goodness of their hearts !!M
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A husband has no Islamic right over his wife’s hard earned money … What does he want you to do? give him money directly instead of giving to your parents?
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Youhave no Islamic obligation to provide money to your parents, but if you do so out of your wish to keep them in ease, then this is a double reward for you. Does your husband want to deprive you of that reward?
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Your parents should not demand or expect money from you as though it is an Islamic obligation on you to give to them … which I guess they are not doing that anyway …
I think it annoys your husband to be taking money from your parents … And he wants you to give him money directly … I hope that is not happening … 
but it is better That parents carry on doing what they are doing, that they give the gift you give them as a gift to others from them …
I suggest that you tell your husband that whatever money you have given your parents is a gift, if they then choose to give that money to others it is from them and it doesn’t matter where it originally came from …
Re: Huge fight with husband
i didnt share anything with him he assumes everything. since i dont have tons of money that i brought with me since i was working for many years he assumed that i spend all that on my parents and they took it happily. how could have i not helped my parents when they needed my help. how could i be so selfish to save my money and see my parents struggling
Re: Huge fight with husband
i didnt share anything with him he assumes everything. since i dont have tons of money that i brought with me since i was working for many years he assumed that i spend all that on my parents and they took it happily. how could have i not helped my parents when they needed my help. how could i be so selfish to save my money and see my parents struggling
Tell him that it should not concern him where you spend your money ... Unless it is for evil purposes. Giving to our parents is noble ... And why is he raising a fuss over it? Does he want the money for himself?
Re: Huge fight with husband
I thought it was our obligation to always care for our parents in whatever way they need.
How is he coming to this assumption?
Re: Huge fight with husband
I thought it was our obligation to always care for our parents in whatever way they need.
How is he coming to this assumption?
Peace Reha
Financial assistance to parents is a duty on the male children, other duties are on both male and female children. However, should a female child provide financially for her parents she gets a double reward where a son would get only a single reward.
Re: Huge fight with husband
His attitude and that of his family's is wrong and hurtful. It's not supported by Islam or common sense. I don't think that we're telling her anything (as in expressing how wrong this is) that she doesn't already know. I think what would be more helpful is to get some ideas about how to resolve the issue. I've no marital experience, so I'm not sure what would be effective.
Should she sit down with her husband and talk about the issue....maybe discuss it from an Islamic perspective and bring up the above mentioned points?
If money is something that they're struggling with.....should they both decide upon a certain amount that can she can allot for her parents with the remainder going into a joint account? Maybe the both can work together on coming up with a plan as to how often money should be sent to parents?
She mentioned that she's the eldest in her family.....but does she have other adult siblings (sisters or brothers) that are also supporting her parents as that would make it easier for her? Maybe the siblings can work something out. For example, if my mom doesn't send money back home one month...my khala might do so or they split it up. But something is managed.
If she hasn't already discussed the matter with her parents....should she do that? Maybe they can figure something out to help alleviate her stress.
If she has already tried all of the above to no avail......is it now time for BOTH families (his parents and her parents) to sit down and talk? Accusations/assumptions are being made by him and his parents....so maybe her parents could offer some face-to-face clarification.
Ignore him when he instigates the topic, so as to not fuel the tension? Go for counseling? Take a break?
I think it would be good to get some suggestions from the married folks about how to go about fixing the problem. She mentioned that there are "other" issues as well that she has not included and wishing she could "die" indicates that things are pretty bad. She needs a plan....more than an opinion about the wrong/right-ness of her husband's attitude.
I can understand in what kind of situation you're going through. It isn't that he has a issue that you've been supporting your parents financially.... He just has a mental issue just like my husband had. We had a lots of huge fights about unneccersary things.... The best way is to ignore... Let him say or think whatever he wants... You can't change a cheap thinking person. If he wants to be a control freak then go ahead!!! Ignore him for a while... he will realize that he is wrong. If hè doesn't understand... Then let him say whatever he wants... One ear in, other ear out....
Re: Huge fight with husband
Peace Reha
Financial assistance to parents is a duty on the male children, other duties are on both male and female children. However, should a female child provide financially for her parents she gets a double reward where a son would get only a single reward.
I didn't know that...I thought it was a responsibility regardless of the gender.
There will come a time when his parents will need him and at that point he will not like it if you (OP) were to object, right? You can talk to him and tell him that parents are parents...that is it. You cannot tell me how much I can do for them or vice versa.
I don't like guys like these...who try to make life difficult for a girl's family members and do not care about anyone but themselves. He should be ashamed of himself...saying these things. Uske apne maan baap nahin hein? Unko zaroorat nahin paregi kisi din? Sorry, but its usually women who are this petty.
Honestly, I'd ignore him until he realized what he is doing is wrong.
If it helps, have an elder speak to him about this.
Re: Huge fight with husband
R ur parents suffering financially? Do they have problem educating ur siblings?
If not then, i think after marriage they shudn't be accepting anything from you. However whatever happened b4 marriage is not the business of ur husband.
Re: Huge fight with husband
^Why shouldn't they? He has no claim over her money, it's hers to do as she wishes.
I love how it is completely acceptable for a man to give money to his parents, whether they need it or not, even if it means the wife is denied some things she wants. But not the other way around.
Re: Huge fight with husband
why shouldn't they?
Regardless of being a daughter or a son they are responsible for their parents just like their parents are responsible of them.
They have been there for you why can't you be there for them :P?