of course those of you who have a prob with my thoughts iwll .. ur the ones who think that one girl sitting comfortably amongst 10 guys is a sign of confidence not waht it really is .. behayai and beghairti .. ALLAh will teach all u modern girls a lesson one day u just wait and watch ..
look how the devil girls are trying to use cheap tactics to disprove my truth .. u r all so scared of what is right that someone is teling what is right against wrong .. u want ur independence to any degree .. to keepp ur leg over husband but remember god has made woman below the man and this is owritten in the holy Quran so stop trying to be men!
Dimagh sahi hai?
Soni, please use your blog to discuss your problems or open up your own thread.
^ I got the impression problem was mainly with help given premarriage. If current money remittance is also an issue I don't see a problem with hooded part. Open honest and clear presentation of facts can only help - IMO
It seems the OP supported her parents in the past and the husband has an issue with it because he feels the money spent on his gifts should have come from her parents. He thinks they're being cheap.
He is acting like a girl.
Not even a girl.
The issue of future assistance is also coming up now I believe.
I don't think its anyone's business how her parents are running their home. Her money is her money and its not like she's making millions. She has a part time job right now so if she uses some of that money for her parents, why is he getting bent out of shape?
of course those of you who have a prob with my thoughts iwll .. ur the ones who think that one girl sitting comfortably amongst 10 guys is a sign of confidence not waht it really is .. behayai and beghairti ..** ALLAh will teach all u modern girls a lesson one day u just wait and watch **..
I believe that the money you earn is completely your own property and noone can question you that how do you spend this. I heard the same thing about the* haq mehr, *but unfortunately,our society doesn’t realize this
Talk to your husband peacefully but firmly and try to make him realize that your parents need you and you will never stop supporting them in the future.
There is one small thing here ... If you read between the lines it seems that her husband is more concerned about what she is doing whilst he is unaware of it. So I think as a wife it would be very useful for her to show her transactions to him or may be go through him to gie her parents money - But further dynamics we are unaware of too ... such as is she living with parents or with hubby at the moment?
Even though her money is hers to do, he should know what she doing with it, in order for him to be aware of her actions. She should not keep secrets from her husband. You see!
At least then she can say look this is what I have given and you have proof of it all, so add it up and stop accusing me of things.
There is one small thing here ... If you read between the lines it seems that her husband is more concerned about what she is doing whilst he is unaware of it. So I think as a wife it would be very useful for her to show her transactions to him or may be go through him to gie her parents money - But further dynamics we are unaware of too ... such as is she living with parents or with hubby at the moment?
Even though her money is hers to do, he should know what she doing with it, in order for him to be aware of her actions. She should not keep secrets from her husband. You see!
At least then she can say look this is what I have given and you have proof of it all, so add it up and stop accusing me of things.
Why is everyone insisting its okay to discuss your parents' financial situation like this?
I realize the importance of being open and I guess its fine if she tells him she is supporting her parents but its inappropriate to have him in the middle of it all.
How mortified will her parents feel receiving money from their damaad?
Unki izzat nahin hai kya? Its necessary they be dragged into the middle of this so they feel embarrassed and guilty?
Its insensitive behavior towards your mother and father...towards anyone's mother and father.
Yes, shaadi hogayi. Lekin shaadi bhi to maan baap karte hein, unke baghair to koi shaadi nahin kar sakta. To shaadi ke baad unko kyun bhool jatay hein log?
If you cannot talk to him without a fight then its best to ignore it until you can find a time when he's calm and can discuss without getting upset.
this thing is stuck in his mind that my parents have took all my money and that i spend everything on them' he believes that all the money spend on our marriage and the gifts given to him was my money and myparents didnt spend a penny on him. he even tell his family that her parents did not spend a penny on me and all the gifts were bought with her money which is not the case but he doesnt believe me.we have had plenty of conversations on this topic i just cannot change his mentality.
The bolded bit sounds like something a woman would say. This is what dowry culture has done to our men, feminized them beyond recognition. Yay.
If you think you can't change his mentality, you're probably right. A manly man isn't interested in how many gifts he's received, let alone who paid for them. I don't blame you for being turned off, he seems to have forgotten his gender role in all this drama. Being your cousin, it's a reflection of his upbringing that he won't even spare his aunt/uncle (your parents). This isn't about him needing your financial contribution at home (which spells even bigger trouble), it's a cultural reaction. It's taboo for a daughter to support herself, support her sisters, or pull her parents financial weight. This is why many women - non-desis included - keep what they give to their parents discreet. You were honest with him, and now he's throwing it in your face. This is how the world works.
Don't play defense. He's got you in the witness box and you're obliging. It's too late to throw a hissy fit now. If he wanted in-laws who'd buy him diamond studs, he should've married a sugar mama. Calmly ask him how much allowance he wants every month and tell him you'll try your best to juggle his shopping needs with your other financial obligations.
I think u should fix a monthly amount to be given to ur parents for their help and intimate ur hubby about the amount. then remaining amount (excluding also ur personal expenses) u may give him to spend in house as he likes. In this way he will not ask u again and again when amount is fixed and every body knows u r contributing towards ur back family.
If u do as i stated above matters inshALLAH will resolve.
If you were doing and saying the same stuff your husband is telling you now he (your husband) would have told you to stay out of this and that his parents also have right over his money and blah blah and he would have accused you of trying to steal him from his parents and wrt wedding gifts items if you had said all that you would be labelled as a lalchi (greedy) wife and bahoo by now.
I was in a similar situation as you and my ex compelled me to give him a major portion of my salary every month. I was not supporting my parents or anyone else yet he gave me tanay very often about wedding gifts like kurtay ka colour acha nahi tha blah blah I remember the shaving cream he got in his gifts from my parents was some how spoiled and I got tanay for it for a week. Like chaibiskit said that your husband is not acting like a man infact he is a "bi jamalo" this is the term my best friend gave to my ex husband .
Practically speaking I firmly believe that he won't change either you would either have to give up on supporting your parents and give him all your money or you would have to give up on him. No way you should take his permission in supporting your parents from your earnings esp if he was aware of the situation before you both got married and he did not have any objection to it.
He married you thinking that you will be another source of his income and he will get all your salary by default because somehow he has done you a big favour by marrying you and now that you are his property everything you have or earn belongs to him.
If you want to save this marriage and are willing to compromise you will have quit your job and let him take your responsibility otherwise for the rest of your life you will be required to do all your wifey duties and you will also be expected to fill his pockets and personally I would never advise any woman to agree with this kind of arrangement.
If you can get any elder to intervene and sort this situation out in fair way someone who will not do any undue favour to him then this might work too but I doubt he will understand anything
actually, thats what communication (especially in marriage) is about... beautifying somethign crude... and thats an art in itself.
I dont expect much from you, hence dont need you to beautify anything. Thanks :)
Actually what I said wasn't for you, therefor you had no reason to respond but you did thats why I offered to beautify what I said.
I don't think communicating in marriage is about beautifying something that is crude I think its knowing what "thingie" or "that" means when your wife/husband is talking.
What I said was no different from what the other posters were saying basically telling the husband to go to hell for even bringing up the subject.
So get off your high horse and stop responding to posts which are not meant for you :)
@Reha - I agree with your opinion her parents' finance are none of his business. As RV stated earlier - what is important is what can op do going forward to bring resolution. Even if that includes providing details of parents finances.
That OPs husband is unreasonable has been established.
Between husband and wife sometimes lots of info are shared matter of factly. For those on a tight budget it is even responsible to go into some details about where money isxspent. No harm in trying that option if it helps. We know the alternative - not bring clear about expenses - is only adding fuel to the fire.
Does she owe her hubby this explanation? Probably not. Can it help? Maybe.
As Ghost stated lots of good suggestions. Good luck to OP.
You need to go, sit down and read the Quran again. Allah swt made man and woman equals! Ok? Got it? Good!
You know what OP is getting from Allah swt for helping her PARENTS (who raised her, fed her, loved her for so many yrs prior to marriage!!!), he is giving her sawaab. She’s being rewarded for this! She’s doing a good deed.
You know what you are getting for badmouthing other girls, judging and making these ridiculous assumptions? No? Well then you just wait and watch.
Ramadan ka mahina aa raha hai, please learn to act properly. This is no way to talk to people. I really hope you don’t act like this in real life.
Those of you who are bringing Islam as their argument i might remind you, that wife cannot work without the permission of her husband. OP's husband islamically can prevent her to work and support her parents.
And what is wrong with telling the husband about financial situation of parents. Even men who are sole earners in the family shud share their financial situation with wives, why can't she do that.
And frankly if the parents are so ashamed of letting damaad know what they are getting from their daughter, they shud not accept anything from her.
You can bring Islam all you want in it but that's not going to change the husband's attitude.
I think he's feels a little insecure or has a inferiority complex with her relationship with her parents. He needs to feel that he comes first than the parents. It's childish but I don't think it's about the money.
My advice would be to keep supporting her parents. Buy a small gift for hubby once a month.
