Re: Huge fight with husband
I can’t really speak on anyone else’s situation, so I’m going to give my example only, and this is how I think it should be:
When I got married, my husband did not ask for or question my paychecks that I earned during our engagement period. He did not assume that those would go into “our” family pot. We’ve been married 14 years now mA, and from day one we run our household on his income only. The week before our wedding, I closed down my own personal account and after we came back from our honeymoon, I was added on to his. From that day forward, we both stuck to a budget and our household was first priority. It was a moot point at the time, because both sets of parents were all established and self sufficient on their own. In fact, my mother was a very wealthy women at the time. But… whenever my husband did do something/buy something/provide for something for his mother, he would automatically reciprocate for mine. There was never any distinction as to who had more right. Nor did I ever “funnel” money to my parents for no reason.
When I started my real estate practice, and was working outside of the house, my earnings were divided in such a way that X amount automaticaly went to our joint savings and X amount I kept in my own personal account to do with as I pleased. And what I “please” is to spend my money on my husband and kids. It’s always been like that. However, when and if I ever decided to give my mom or dad money, it better not be questioned if I have it to give! When my husband decided to go back to school to finish a second degree (while still working full time) it was my earnings that paid his tuition. And that is how it should be. We are a team. We treat eachother as equals, and that extends to our families. He would never dream of depriving me or our children of a need or neccessity to fulfill something for his mom, nor would I watch my household suffer just to help out my parents.
When my parents both were diagnosed with cancer at the same time (and subsequently passed away at the same time) my husband and brother in law both stepped up to the plate and did whatever they could financially, since neither parent had insurance at the time, and they did it without having to be asked, because they wanted to. I am very luck in that regards, I know, because there are not many desi men out there who would take 7 weeks off from work to stay home with a 4 yr old and 2 yr old twins while his wife went to Pakistan to care for her dying father. And it was his idea btw. He booked my ticket and put it in my hand despite my protests.
Each of us three sisters recieved a very handsome amount in payouts in the form of inheiritance from our parents, and not once did my husband or bro in law EVER question or ask about it. I was the one who asked him how we should use to better our own family and we both decided together. But he never expected me to, I did it out of my own accord. In fact, my husband was named as executor of my mothers Estate, and 4 years later is STILL settling her affairs and managing whatever was left over for my siblings and I.
It all comes down to mutual respect. I know of examples like you and others have stated of the wife sending $$$ to her own relatives while her husband or own household is suffering, and I will be the first to say that is wrong! What has upset me the most about this thread is the notion that any parent who accepts monetary help from a son in law or daughter is “beghairat” or wrong. That is such a dhakyanoosi (just for you Muzna!) way of thinking, and it needs to be eradicated from our culture.
Uff. I’m tired now, I need a break from this thread, I’m missing my parents now. 
