Huge fight with husband

[Iconoclast]

Re: Huge fight with husband

Its about perspective and baroN ki izzat which is lost these days.

Its noble for a man not to take money from his sisters and daughters. But its a very shameful thing if your parents or your wife's parents are in need and you feel it against your morals to help because they are "larki ke maa baap aur is vaja se vo larki se kuch le nahin saktay". That is wrong.

Larki unki aulaad hai aur khidmat unka bhi haqq hai...ya vo is haqq ko bhool jayein kyun ke unko Shanzai ke husband jaise damaad milay hein? Unke betay nahin hein?

You're forgetting a large population of people on this planet who do not have sons...only daughters and sometimes only one daughter. Some are not well off. Some are ill.

Who takes care of them? Nursing homes? Welfare?

I don't think so. If my (or anyone's) parents need something and I cannot be there for them in whatever way...its something to be ashamed of.

You are twisting my words to suit ur argument. I never said that i would not like my wife to help her parents if they are in need. I only said that my FIL will not like to accept financial support from his daughter.

Ofcourse, if someone is in need, its our duty to help them, even if they are not our relatives. And relatives have preference over other people to get our money in time of need. Personally i spend all the amount that i have for charitable purposes on my relatives(near, far, related to in laws) first and if i still have something left i will give it to any organisation bcoz i strongly feel that its one's duty to relatives comes first before spending on anyone else.

Secondly, according to Islam, its not a duty of any child male or female to give money to their parents if they are well off.

However, what i did say is that if parents have means to live on their own, they shud not depend upon married daughter to contribute to household income.

Theer are many women who will send money to their parents for un necessary things when they own households need it more. Like sending money to father to pay for instalments for plot or a new house when they themselves don't have one of their own. Or sending money so that they can do a lavish wedding reception etc.

I think its a shame for parents to accept money from their married daughters for such purposes. And i have seen many who do that.

[Iconoclast]

Re: Huge fight with husband

But WHY is it considered inappropriate ??? Ok for once lets blame the Hindus/ Indians here , isnt it hindu/ indian culture that "ekk baar ladki ki shaadi ho gayi toh uske ghar ka paani bhi nahi petain" ????

If we keep sticking to notions like theses, do u expect society to change for the betterment ever??

For eg : Girls have to give dowry coz its not appropriate if they go empty handed ?? Log kya kahenge ?? For eg : Girls should not study too much, coz it will be difficult getting a boy for her For eg : Girl must be extremely fair and good looking, who wants a kaali-kaluti bahu Fro eg : Beta nahi hai, sirf beti???? aapka kya hoga budhape mein !!!!

Your clubbing it in the group just by saying "oh its not considered appropriate haww hai, dekho kaise maap baap hai chee chee !!!!!" You are not giving a logical reason.

The OP is clearly saying, that she is saving for the tuition as he is not going to pay for her education, she only helps out her family sometimes.

I don't how we can advise people of donating certain percentage of their income to the poor and needy but if the same is directed to ones own parents because its not considered appropriate ??

Whether your parents need your help or not, giving money to them should not even be an issue. If our parents can go beyond giving us roti/kapda/makaan, then why can't we ?? Kids don't need ipads and iphones but parents give it to them, so cant kids do something for their parents when they are old even if there is no need for it?

It does not have to be about what i would do i what i won't. In such scenarios we have saying that it depends, aap ki izzat bari hai, ya aap ki ghairat. I wud prefer to take it from my brothers, my sons, my uncles, my cousins.

[Iconoclast]

Re: Huge fight with husband

Why? I think if you explore the reason behind this "cultural norm" you'll arrive at the answer to why this is so very wrong. Problem is that most people do not question....they blindly follow.

I know that if needed my parents, both mother and father, would have taken food from their own mouths to feed me when I was hungry.........would I not want to slit my own throat if I had to watch them suffer while I live in comfort?

Muzna, go back to my first post, okay let me qoute it again.

[QUOTE]
*R ur parents suffering financially? Do they have problem educating ur siblings?
If not then, i think after marriage they shudn't be accepting anything from you. However whatever happened b4 marriage is not the business of ur husband. *
[/QUOTE]

If they NEED, good. For daughter to think of her parents is good, but for parents to expect married daughter to contribute to household income when they can live within their own means - not good.

[MM]

Re: Huge fight with husband

Are you related to Soni, by any chance?

[Muzna]

Re: Huge fight with husband

Muzna, go back to my first post, okay let me qoute it again.

If they NEED, good. For daughter to think of her parents is good, but for parents to expect married daughter to contribute to household income when they can live within their own means - not good.

I can't imagine any parents, either the daughter's or son's, taking something that they do not NEED. Nobody does that.

[khattichic]

Re: Huge fight with husband

Maybe you just need a uterus to “get it”

I’m glad that there are plenty of men on and off GS (thank you Decent Bhaiya, you are a wonderful example!) that do get it, and alhamdullilah, I’m lucky to be married to one as well.

:hinna:

[Midnight_express_91]

Re: Huge fight with husband

is this thread still going?? :/ I thought soni would have killed it stone dead as she does with every thread she shows up to

[MM]

Re: Huge fight with husband

^ LMAO!!! That's what I'm saying!! ^

[SaeedinPakistan]

Re: Huge fight with husband

It does not have to be about what i would do i what i won't. In such scenarios we have saying that it depends, aap ki izzat bari hai, ya aap ki ghairat. I wud prefer to take it from my brothers, my sons, my uncles, my cousins.

If they NEED, good. For daughter to think of her parents is good, but for parents to expect married daughter to contribute to household income when they can live within their own means - not good.

Hypothetical.
I have no sons, yeah we stopped after my wife popped out her third kid. I know should have popped out another 4 or 5 just to get that one son, but I'm stupid. There goes my plan of a son supporting me.
I did not spend my time, energy and money raising my brothers, uncles or cousin. Besides they have their own parents to take care of. So they're not helping me out.
My daughters, well I spent every penny I earned on them. I raised them the best I could. The least they could do is help me(financially or otherwise) when I get old.
I'd prefer if the state supported me when I could no longer be part of the work force, but sadly things aren't perfect and there is a very high probability of the state doing diddly squat for me.
For the elderly who have no safety nets, the least their kids could do is help them. People who think that married daughter shouldn't help their parents should either start paying my bills or shut their yap holes.

[Sara516]

Re: Huge fight with husband

.....

What about gifts?

[Reha]

Re: Huge fight with husband

You are twisting my words to suit ur argument. I never said that i would not like my wife to help her parents if they are in need. I only said that my FIL will not like to accept financial support from his daughter. ** No, i am not.

---

Icono, as usual its the same argument. Man's parents versus woman's parents. A man's parents deserve everything while a woman's doesn't. Its their fault they had daughters and not sons.

How awful of a life some women lead...without having any fault of their own. Insaniyat was never alive in Pakistanis. **

Ofcourse, if someone is in need, its our duty to help them, even if they are not our relatives. And relatives have preference over other people to get our money in time of need. Personally i spend all the amount that i have for charitable purposes on my relatives(near, far, related to in laws) first and if i still have something left i will give it to any organisation bcoz i strongly feel that its one's duty to relatives comes first before spending on anyone else.

Secondly, according to Islam, its not a duty of any child male or female to give money to their parents if they are well off. ** Parents that are well off NEVER demand anything from their children...I don't even know where that sentence fits in or how it makes sense. It will ONLY be parents that might not be as strong financially that might expect their children to look after them in old age. And every single post of yours has been in opposition of helping elderly parents up until now. **

However, what i did say is that if parents have means to live on their own, they shud not depend upon married daughter to contribute to household income.

Theer are many women who will send money to their parents for un necessary things when they own households need it more. Like sending money to father to pay for instalments for plot or a new house when they themselves don't have one of their own. Or sending money so that they can do a lavish wedding reception etc.

I think its a shame for parents to accept money from their married daughters for such purposes. And i have seen many who do that.

**
Your examples are not examples...they are exceptions.

I have seen men beat their wives, leave their children up for grabs and never find out if they're alive or dead.

Does that mean all men are like that? Does that mean even you are like that?

No.

**

[STA]

Re: Huge fight with husband

Kaab Ibn Ujrah (RA) relates that Rasulullah (SAW) said Come near to the mimbar and we came near the mimbar. When He (SAW) climbed the first step of the mimbar, He (SAW) said "Aameen", When He (SAW) ascended the second step, He (SAW) said "Aameen", When He (SAW) climbed the third step, He (SAW) said "Aameen" When He (SAW) came down, We said "O Rasool of Allah (SAW), we have heard from you today something which we never heard before" He (SAW) said When I climbed the first step, the angel Jibraeel (A.S.) appeared before me and said

        **"Destruction to him who found the blessed month of Ramdhan and let it pass by without gaining forgiveness"**

upon that I said 'Aameen'. When I climbed the second step, he said,

"Destruction to him before whom thy name is taken and then he does not make Dua for Allah's blessing on me (by saying, for example SAW)."

I replied 'Aameen'. When I climbed the third step, he said

   **

"Destruction unto him in whose lifetime his parents or either one of them reaches old age, and (through failure to serve them) he is not allowed to enter Jannah".
**
I said 'Aameen'. (Hakim, Baihaqi)

Note In this Hadith, it appears that Jibraeel (AS) gave expression to three curses, upon which Rasulullah (SAW) said Aameen every time. In al-Durr al-Mansoor it is reported that Jibraeel (AS) advised Rasulullah (SAW) to say Aameen. Being an angel of such high mark, Jibraeel 's giving these curses is sure to be accepted. May Allah (Subhanahu wa Taala) in His infinite mercy grant us His help and save us from these three dangers.

Reference: Copied from web.

[MM]

Re: Huge fight with husband

@Sara516

…

What about gifts?

Tauba karro!! Iconoclast se baatain sun ni hain?!

[Ma_Mooli]

Huge fight with husband

Its the womans money, she can do as she wants. helping her parents out is their right, and her parents have every right to request that.

[Iconoclast]

Re: Huge fight with husband

**No, i am not.

Icono, as usual its the same argument. Man's parents versus woman's parents. A man's parents deserve everything while a woman's doesn't. Its their fault they had daughters and not sons.

How awful of a life some women lead...without having any fault of their own. Insaniyat was never alive in Pakistanis. **

*Parents that are well off NEVER demand anything from their children...I don't even know where that sentence fits in or how it makes sense. It will ONLY be parents that might not be as strong financially that might expect their children to look after them in old age. And every single post of yours has been in opposition of helping elderly parents up until now. * ** Your examples are not examples...they are exceptions.

I have seen men beat their wives, leave their children up for grabs and never find out if they're alive or dead.

Does that mean all men are like that? Does that mean even you are like that?

No. **

Yet again you are attributing a lie to me. Show me the post which even implies that mans parents deserve everything while womens parents don't. Ofcourse there are many parents who demand things from their kids even when they have means to live well on their own.

There are a lot of people who feel that having raised the kids up, they deserve a payback. I am raising my kids, both sons and daughter, am i doing it bcoz i expect a payback, heck no. I would do everything for them even if i knew they won't take care of me when i am old. Does that mean i don't feel any obligation towards my parents, of course NO NO and NO. I would take care of them even if they had not raised, bcoz they are my family. I don't know why would one consider raising kids or taking care of parents a trade.

@Muzna, yes i do know its just a cultural norm for expecting the male members to take a lead in financially supporting their family. From where it comes i dunno. May be it comes from Islam which puts responsibility of finances of females on males. But thats what our cultural norm is, that is not to depend upon our daughters or sisters to provide for us.

The same goes to rest of my family. For the other guy, who feels his family won't take care of him bcoz he has not raised them, well may thats how his family dynamics are. My brothers, uncles, cousins have not raised me but they can take from me whenever they need, i wont hesitate a moment to help them nor would they hesitate to help me.

Again, i have never said that needy parents should not be helped by their daughters or by their sons in law. What i have said is that we would not like to take help from women of our household for its upon men to provide for them and not the other way round.

[Iconoclast]

Re: Huge fight with husband

@Decent_6Chora

oops. I used my daughter’s last year’s Eidi in buying my tablet. Seems like I am not honorable

On Serious note:
I love my daughter so much that I wont stop her from earning sawab by helping me (after marriage) if God forbid I need help. Why should we restrain daughters from earning this sawab if there is a need? why should this sawab goes to sons only?

I am so proud of my mom who helped my nani for years because mamu was not well off. Of course my mom could not have done with without the help/backing of my father. My mom was a working women. She spent good part of her income on Nani (healthcare, food, clothing etc etc). In addition to that my father used to help Nani a lot too. I am so blessed for having such mom and dad.

Decent, i don’t know why you put it this way.

Let me try it again. There is a Hadith which means something like this: Do not ask from others, even if your whip falls while riding a horse, get down and pick it up. Does this mean Prophet pbuh, is preventing us to help other people??? How absurd will be that conclusion. And thats what many of you are trying to portray. If someone will like not to receive from their daughter, does not mean that i mean daughters should never help the parents who need it.

My mamu was the only son of his father, who died when he was young. He took care of his sisters and mother. He did not like to accept any help from her sisters even when they wanted to. But my mother and father would take great affort to get gifts for him in ways that would help him out without giving cash. He expired a few years ago. My father, helped his son establish a business and helped him on each of his sister’s weddings.

[Southie]

Re: Huge fight with husband

Was watching Bill Moyer' shoe. He was interviewing Chris hedges "days od destruction days of revolt". The word iconography came up. I let it go. Then the word iconoclast came up. Then I knew readers would want to know.

[Reha]

Re: Huge fight with husband

Yet again you are attributing a lie to me. Show me the post which even implies that mans parents deserve everything while womens parents don't. Ofcourse there are many parents who demand things from their kids even when they have means to live well on their own.

:) **Those are usually the guys' parents. Telling their son to provide for them even though he is married and has responsibilities towards his own family.

---

Life forum is FULL of threads where woman are complaining of this.

---

You're right about one thing...the wife's parents don't usually ask their daughters for anything because of this.

---

That does not mean however that there is no sense of responsibility. **

There are a lot of people who feel that having raised the kids up, they deserve a payback. I am raising my kids, both sons and daughter, am i doing it bcoz i expect a payback, heck no. I would do everything for them even if i knew they won't take care of me when i am old. Does that mean i don't feel any obligation towards my parents, of course NO NO and NO. I would take care of them even if they had not raised, bcoz they are my family. I don't know why would one consider raising kids or taking care of parents a trade. ** Again, that's usually the guys' parents. Jab rishta lekay kaheen jatay hein to apne betay ko show piece ki tarha dikhatay hein...dekhiye humara beta. Iski parhai mein humne kitna paisa kharch kiya hai...ab iski shaadi hogi to baray armaan hein humaray. (hint hint...poori batteesi on display) ** :)

@Muzna, yes i do know its just a cultural norm for expecting the male members to take a lead in financially supporting their family. From where it comes i dunno. May be it comes from Islam which puts responsibility of finances of females on males. But thats what our cultural norm is, that is not to depend upon our daughters or sisters to provide for us.

The same goes to rest of my family. For the other guy, who feels his family won't take care of him bcoz he has not raised them, well may thats how his family dynamics are. My brothers, uncles, cousins have not raised me but they can take from me whenever they need, i wont hesitate a moment to help them nor would they hesitate to help me.

Again, i have never said that needy parents should not be helped by their daughters or by their sons in law. What i have said is that we would not like to take help from women of our household for its upon men to provide for them and not the other way round.

e
**
In an ideal world...everyone is self sufficient and no one needs anyone.

But that is not the case.

It would be awesome if you understood the plight and difficulties of other people and were at least sympathetic to their needs.
**

[payal_sharma]

Re: Huge fight with husband

It does not have to be about what i would do i what i won't. In such scenarios we have saying that it depends, aap ki izzat bari hai, ya aap ki ghairat. I wud prefer to take it from my brothers, my sons, my uncles, my cousins.

*aap ki izzat bari hai, ya aap ki ghairat ??? Matlab ????? and which are you refering to
*

Your daughter doesn't even come before your uncles and cousins ??? Truly I feel sorry for you.

You are stuck in a rut. God only helps those who help themselves. If you do not wish to open your eyes then we can't force you. I hope you have only sons so you do not have any problems in the future. This mindset of your not only makes people not want to have daughters but multiplies into numerous others CRIMES which we all read in the newspapers everyday. You have a seedling in your mind which is only going to grow evil. Khair......banging head against wall only means my head is gonna hurt.

Since you did not provide a logical explanation, I assume you do not have one. Which means you are wrong.

Ohhhh... this just popped in my mind.....

Ok wot if you were only left with your DIL in the future and she was working ( ur son did not leave her anything) , would you accept money from her if you were starving ??? Your DIL does not have sons only daughters.

[shaistamunawar]

Re: Huge fight with husband

aoa .. i am one of similar person who helped my parents before i got married to a hearltess person ... had to hear similar dialogues tht my father is ths and tht jo apni beti ka paisa khata hai whereas i believe its the right of a girl and boy both to support their parents no matter its financial moral or any other ... long story but yeah i was and still am a victim of verbal and occasional physical abuse ...and there is one more abuse tht i am going thru and its the financial one .. my husband does not allow me to work anymore and does not financially provde for me tht way a husband is supposed to do...i hardly get anything from him in a month as an allowance ... ... husbands of such breed are bascially insecure coward and immature and they want to throw their garbage on wifes to feel good abt themselves...thts how they are raised... i have not been able to mould him ..maybe time will !!!