Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

Lifestyle Relationships
101

I'm really just depending on getting my surgery (so hopefully I'll be able to work a full time job), and the settlement would help me take care of myself until I'm on my feet with a sustainable income. I'm just grateful that I have the state behind me. I'm also contacting the ACLU about this. So no matter how big this company is, I will make sure everyone knows about what they have done.

102

Well, a lot more things have gone in my life that I won't discuss because they're much too personal, but I actually have tried to commit suicide, 5 times. I haven't tried in the past 2 years, so I'm proud of myself.

Thank you. It's really not easy. But I don't feel like I'm making it through everything, because it keeps happening. I have a hard time trusting men because of how I've been treated by so many of them. I love my family, but I don't trust them. And I will never forgive them for what they've put me through.

You've got it. I'm still dealing with all of this as a sacrifice so I can hopefully have a better life in the future. I do feel like this is an arrangement, because this is not how marriage is supposed to be.

I'm so glad you got out of that. I'm just biting my tongue until things work out for me. I'm working my hardest to make these things happen. I will take control when I get the chance and demand my happiness.

103

I would be outraged at that story as well.

Well, I'd maim the man for my friend. But I find that I'm much more aggressive when I fight for other people than for myself. I don't think I value myself enough, and that's reflected in my own attitude toward myself.

104

Thing is, especially on the weekends he'll leave early in the morning when I'm asleep and not answer his phone until he's coming home. He's always disappearing and he's so secretive. I hope he's not having an affair, and I don't think he is, but it's a possibility given the circumstances.

105

The fact that you havent tried again in 2 years means you know this battle is worth fighting. You know your life is worth having and living. You are a survivor. MS, dont lose hope. Hope is what keeps us alive. Allah is always with you and he ALWAYS has something planned for us. We may not be able to see it but its definitely there, not a doubt in my mind.

You are making it through...you're doing the best you can with what was given to you. That is my definition of making it through. :-)

When it comes to family, its a hard one. They mean well but it can get so mucked up in the process. Whatever their reasons were for doing what they did, they will have to answer for. Everyone pays a price for everything they do - remember that. *For your own sake, you should forgive and move on. *Dont forget, simply forgive. Learn from your mistakes, if you made any and move on. Let Allah deal with what happens to them, you dont have to worry about it anymore. I still love my family too MS, but I dont trust them either. Not a single person stood by my side during my divorce but I got rid of the neanderthal anyway. Everyone thought I was crazy and needed to be wrapped in bandages to be heard. Ridiculous! I was depressed, suicidal, angry, isolated, you name it. Then, I thought about the woman I used to be. The smart, funny, crazy and happy person I was. I made up my mind to bring her back.

You are ONLY 23 years old! You have your whole life ahead of you! Do you realize the bright side to this situation? The bright side is most 23 year olds dont have much life experience and havent been through what you are going through. As a result, they make mistakes and learn lessons later on in life. You have an opportunity to create whatever you want for yourself and you're young enough to do it! :-)

BTW - Dont think Im some sort of man-hating feminist here. Im not. I still want to be married, have children and live a full life. I still firmly believe in the institution of marriage and all it represents. Im just not willing to be degraded for the sake of being married. No one should.

106

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

I understand the sensitivity of this thread... but i cannot believe how some people here are outrightly telling her that divorce is the only solution... yes it may as well be.. but thats not for you to enforce on her.. im just completely shocked that people have no hesitation is outrightly saying such things...

107

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

^^ They are just giving their honest opinions. She is only 23 years old. There is no way she should have to tolerate this nonsense for the rest of her life in hope (almost impossible) that he might change. Divorce, get on welfare and move on. It's easy now since she doesn't have any kids. Life will pick up and she will be a lot happier.

108

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

^ i am not saying that she should stay in the marriage and tolerate the abuse... What im saying is that people should refrain from saying "this is the only solution"... it may as well be.. BUT thats not our decision.

109

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

People are simply stating what they would do if put in her shoes.

No one is enforcing their opinions on MS, she is free to do as she pleases and no amount of huffing and puffing will change that fact. However, just like you believe people should refrain from saying "this is the only solution", others believe any and all possible solutions should be laid out for her to make a decision. If she is suffering, divorce is not only an option for her, its her right.

Yes, the D-word is scary for some, but its also liberating for others.

110

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

for goodness sakes... I am not saying that Divorce is not an option or is not the right thing to do..

im saying it is WRONG for US to be saying "this is the only option"

ur not getting it..

111

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

^ Yeah, its like get on the web, open the online relationship forum, recommend a couple of divorces here and there, in a callous, light-hearted fashion; and then go munch on a pizza and watch TV or go through your daily knitting session or whatever.

May be we should have some regard about how the advice seeker is interpreting our advice. We never know much about the posters, don't know their full stories yet venture out with such life changing suggestions.

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112

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

but whether teh advise is to leave someone, and due to that someone does not work on a salvageable relationship, or teh advise is to try and make it work in a really bad relationship where teh person is tormented day in and day out, both have their issues.

In teh end, when you ask random ppl online about your situation, realize that they are looking at it with limited info that u have provided and then obviously their own perspectives, experiences and biases.

listen to all, but draw your own conclusion

113

Thank you Scratch.. and X2..

114

Sadz, I am not outrightly telling her to go for a divorce, she has asked the solution herself and can't you just see she's suffering through a lot. the 1st question is that, Isn't she a human being? Is abusing a wife, physically and verbally not a sin in your eyes? Isn't her husband torturing her innocent feelings and her happiness? Read every post she did before you point out anybody's advice dear, because it's not here about me or you. Its about her, i myself believe divorce is the worst thing, but everything which has happened until now is even worse. Listen i'll give you an example so that you could take it positively, if a women asking for divorce or taking "khulaa" would be that bad or all the people who're advicing her to go for her right and start a new life with new hopes would be outright then Islam wouldn't have given a women, this right. I myself said this because i can feel the pain she's going through and if you're so heartless and you think she should go on bearing this pain that this would be really shocking for all of us. and 2ndly she's not a kid now, she can decide what to do and what not to. As you can see she herself said there's a lot more that happened which is too personal to share in public. So that was all in my humble opinion. And give her sympathy words if you've nothing to say apart from pointing out who has the right to do this or that.

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Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

"listen to all, but draw your own conclusion" - X2

Exactly! Thats what its all about here on a forum isnt it?

After reading this gals story, I stand by what I've written and I hope it gives her a bit of extra courage. MS asked for opinions here and I gave mine. She is obviously not an idiot who would just follow any and all advice that she reads here.

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Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

Hey MS :hugz: Insh’Allah hope everything works out in your favour. Some great advice in this thread, do take it into consideration. You deserve wayyy better then what your having to go through. Will keep you in my prayers :hugz:

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Actually Scratch, Ive been through this scenario myself so its not me who is sitting at home and just yapping away. Ive lived this life and know exactly what a woman goes through. No one should have to tolerate it. Anyone who thinks she doesnt need to know divorce IS an option for her is speaking from a fantasy world and needs to get out of it. This is real life and there are human beings involved here and lives at stake. Helping an abused woman realize her options is a GOOD thing and MORE people should be doing it rather then stopping it.

Its the all-too-common-and-desi fear of the D-word. Trivializing what a woman has to go through sometimes to make a marriage work and letting her think she is limited in resources and options.

Again, the point of this forum is give her ideas as to what she can do. It is HER choice at the end. She is an adult and fully capable of making her own decisions.

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When someone asks for advice, you give it with the intention of helping them. It is upto them to take it or not. She posted a thread/question and we are responding to it as each of us sees fit. I dont see how you can regulate the opinions or responses of other people and still want to participate here without a problem.

What I stated is MY opinion and if you think you have a better idea or way, Im all ears. I would love to hear it. And I dont mean that in a sarcastic way either. I would seriously be interested in knowing how I could have stayed married and changed the man I was with according to you.

Its not the ONLY option, but for women who are going through this scenario, it may as well be.

119

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

what wonderful posts P-squared! You have exactly the right attitude IMHO. I myself was in an abusive marriage and life was misery. It takes SO much courage to do something about it but I was able to do just that - and went on to marry my "knight in shining armor", have 3 beautiful boyz with him. We celebrate 10 years of happy marriage tomorrow. Life used to be pure misery - but for the past decade I've had SO much happiness that I sometimes wonder what I ever did to deserve such a beautiful life. I wish such as that for MS...she seems like a talented, wonderful, caring and giving person
who deserves so much more than the jerk she finds herself stuck with at the moment.
NO ONE - male or female - needs to continue a life of misery. IMHO. And an abusive person VERY rarely changes his or her ways.

I'll say it once again....(in MY own personal opinion), divorce is the obvious and only answer.

120

Agreed! there you are. we were all saying the same thing, but some people as P-squared said don't know why they're here if they think like this. and for MS, she's a sensible women as we all can see, she has not done anything against her husband's wishes and still he's doing all that crap with her.. which's totally wrong. may be things will change and she'll have a wonderful life with the same person. but her posts shows she's unhappy with him and its not a marriage it's more of an arrangement to her. [she herself said that in her post] but best of luck to her! may her life change and she'll be really happy in near future. Aameen!