Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I’m in a pickle. A good friend of mine is getting evicted from her apartment because she is past due by 5 months (long story, her boyfriend at the time was stealing money from her and taking drugs, and she fell ill with severe debilitating migraines and couldn’t work). She recently got a job and has been giving over most of her weekly paycheck to her apartment manager in order to catch up. They were fine with it until 2 days ago, whey they issued her an eviction notice out of the blue. So now, she has nowhere to go.

I asked my husband if he’d be ok with her coming here. He knew she had a cat and didn’t have a car and would need help getting to work until she got one (which would be in about 2-3 weeks when she gets a past due tax rebate).

He said that it was totally fine (we have a 3 bedroom house with lots of space). He even offered to take her to a car lot to talk to some guys he knows about getting a deal on a car.

This was yesterday. Today he tells me that she can’t come, because he doesn’t want anyone infringing on his “comfort,” so he can walk around half naked, leave the bathroom door open, etc. And he doesn’t care about her situation, and that she should help herself.

So here’s a little history of what I’ve gone through.

  1. A year into our marriage I asked him to bring his brother here to live with us so that he could get an education and not have to worry about paying rent and whatnot. I even went to the board of education to demand his entrance into school here. His brother came, treated me horribly, and ended up running away and I had to deal with homeland security and subsequent visa issues with that brother. I had to deal with it, not my husband.

  2. Right after that, we subleased a room in our house to a consultant because we needed the extra cash. I was totally ok with it, even though I suffered.

  3. Later, another one of his brothers came to live with us (even though I didn’t want it, I said fine). I didn’t say anything to him. He left after 5 months because he failed to secure a job.

  4. A few months ago, the first brother came back and lived with us. I told my husband I didn’t want him here because of what he had done in the past, but my concerns weren’t addressed. He came and lived with us, and I was completely civil and kind to him. Luckily, he matured in that time and I no longer harbor any ill feelings toward him.

So considering all of that, what about MY comfort? I gave up my comfort in my own house to help my husband and his family. I went out of my way and even had to deal with HOMELAND SECURITY for him. I had to dress like I would outside, even wearing a dupatta and hijab in the house. I stayed in one room for nearly a year so I wouldn’t infringe on their comfort. I suffered for over a year! And I didn’t once ask his brothers to leave! Now a friend of mine needs help for a couple of months MAXIMUM, and HIS comfort can’t be infringed on? What the hell! I’m so mad!

I had to rant. What should I do? I give and I give and he doesn’t realize that, or he demeans my sacrifice. He’s like a stick! He doesn’t view this marriage as an equal partnership right now. Whatever he says goes and I don’t accept that.

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Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

Here's how it's going to go.
People here will say two things.
1) Bash you. Tell you you need to communicate with him, show patience and everything will be fine.
and
2) Bash him for being inconsiderate. Tell you to tell him how you feel and demand your rights.

It's his fault he hasn't been more considerate and partially yours because you have give him the liberty to take advantage of you. Regroup your thoughts, re-prioritize your marriage priorities and speak up.

Now, instead of reading the 450 posts people will write, talk to him. Unless you tell him, he may never know what's on your mind.

Now Breathe....

Do you guys pretend to be checking your cell...
3

I can easily ignore those who only respond in an insulting manner.

I'm at my wit's end. I have addressed these issues with him several times. We've brought our parents into it, we've been to marital counseling, but there's a lack of mutual respect.

I also think it has a lot to do with the desi mindset. He grew up in Pakistan, I grew up here. I demand more than he's willing to give.

--and plus, I just wanna hear that I'm right, and he's wrong :D

4

That's comical. Haha..
On a serious note, perhaps he's not deliberately trying to deprive you of mutual respect. Perhaps that's the only way he knows how to be in a relationship. Which seems like thats what it is. And he's not exactly abusive or unfaithful.

With cases like yours where one person has a desi mindset and the other doesn't counseling isn't always the best option. Therapists cannot fully comprehend the mere basics of how the desi culture works. Sure they must've read about it and done their homework but working with someone is entirely different and most non desi therapists don't work with half-desi couples ever in their careers.

So don't be disheartened just because therapy wasn't exactly a smashing success. In your case, unless you plan on leaving him, your best option is to patiently remind him how you feel from time to time without nagging him. Most desi men have very fragile egos. The last thing you want to do is push him to where his ego gets hurt --- there's no turning back from there....!

So, remind him nicely, often, but this will take time. Work with his nature bit by bit to mould it. It's only been a year you've been married.. he needs time to adjust to your cultural mindset as well. Give him time. As frustrating as this may sound, you have to consciously work on this relationship and it will work. I don't see any major, unsolvable flaws here that cannot be fixed with a little time and a little patience and some intelligent moulding on your part.

New relationships are like children. As difficult as they may look, as stubborn as they may seem, they're actually very mould-able.
Give it a shot. You will, Inshallah, look back at this is due time and smile at how he 'used' to be. You have a life long of happiness to share with him. Be positive.

~ POSITIVE PAKISTANIS and HEROs ~
5

It's actually been nearly 3 years since we've been married, and it's been a very.. tumultuous marriage. We've had periods where we've threatened to kick eachother out, I've actually left the house without shoes on just to get away, the police have come, etc.

And there have been physical altercations.

It's just that stuff keeps piling on to an already bad situation.
I think if there were more mutual respect, the rest of these things wouldnt happen

And I do my best at manipulating him. He has his little outbursts where he gets angry at how well I do it haha!

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Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

Ahh well then. With this new piece of information, I can now see some major issues. Abuse is a deal breaker. Plain and simple. Leave him.
A woman is a precious being (ok, well most of them). They are fragile and ask for nothing but simple love and appreciation. If a man cannot provide these simple assets to his woman, he deserves another man just like him.

Be safe.

7

i m in the same boat as u r.. although i do let him know how irritated I am to have his brother stay at my place... due to many reasons!!! but one of his brothers is really nice and stays in his room most of the time so i dun mind him stayin at my place :P I think ur hubby should listen to ur request because u have been hospitable with his brothers and its only fair that he fulfil this one request that you have... i m sensing that he is not feelin v gud abt this girl... u know alone, who just broke with her BF and other things.... dus she not live with her parents? if not, maybe she is way too braod minded and he dusnt want u to b in her company for so many hours? there cud b soooo many reasons... i think he is just makin up stories about freedom etc as i can assure u men give a damn abt this privacy thing, its only women who r crazy abt this. i m tellin u from my experience. my husband gives a damn if his whole freakin family lives in the same house as ours... as for me, i will just go crazyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

8

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

Sorry to say it but your hubby needs a bit of straightening out. I'd tell him plain and simple - "You said YES yesterday so I told my friend to come on over. So she is, end of story" Plain and simple. That is your house as well as his. As far as the abuse goes, it would take exactly once and I'd press charges and toss him out on his arse. Start asserting yourself girl or he's just going to keep walking all over you!

9

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

I don't get it, why do you laugh? has this experience made you go "cuckoo"? seriously, why you laugh it off? "manipulate" him? what?

10

MS, I have been in the BIL comes to stay and outstays his welcome situation. U can take a desi man away from his family, but u can't take his family away from him. So something to understand, desi man will always want to help his family out.

Second issue, Yes, while its true that its not right for a person to say yes and then change his mind, sometimes these things do happen, and we have to deal with the consequences.

He will either change his mind, or NOT change his mind. Either way, u have to deal with it. U can turn around and tell your friend that sorry he's changed his mind, or rant and rave and fight over it, trying to get him to change his mind.

If I were in the same situation as u rite now, and husband didnt change his mind, i would tell the friend the truth and I would expect her to respect that. The truth is that my relationship with hubby is much more important than my friends or what they think of me.

Having said that, have u actually sat down with your husband and explained in a CALM manner how u feel? Tell him that u need 10 minutes of his time, and u only want him to UNDERSTAND your perspective, and u are doing this to change his mind, u just want him to understand u, and after what u have to say, if he wants to keep to not letting her stay, then u will respect that, but u hope that he will think about what you want temporarily.

I know u feel frustrated at the mo, but uno maybe overnight he thought of negatives and he may well have reason to believe its not such a good idea.

Timepass- May 2012
11

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

i dont feel the love :(

12

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

DO U LOVE EACHOTHER???

13

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

Whoa, hold on here Rupay...no one is talking about taking the desi guys family away from him. From this gal's post, it actually seems that not only does she accept them without complaint but she allows them to wipe their feet all over her - without complaint. So if she asks the small favor of helping a friend in need, it takes a very small and very selfish man to deny that little request. The "relationship" with your husband should be one of partnership rather than one of master and fief where wife puts up with whatever decisions he may make from minute to minute or hour to hour. BOTH hub and wife have a say in marital life. IMHO.

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Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

M3, can't take the family away is just an observation I have made from over the years, i'm not saying its right.

I agree, marriage should b a partnership, but I also feel that there should be a "TEAM LEADER" figure in the equation bcos sometimes partners do not agree, so who should concede? If no one concedes, how long will the argument carry on for and the longer it carries on, the longer the bitterness.

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Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

BTW, whats IMHO - I'm not that proficient in shorthands here. And while where at it "My BAD". Perhaps i should open another thread for it.

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Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

IMHO is "In my humble opinion"....

And although I do see what you're saying about Team Leader etc....thats really not marriage to me personally. Marriage is pure teamwork. And if an agreeable compromise cannot be reached, then this would be considered "irreconcilable differences" and therefore grounds for divorce. It means that the couple is not compatible, they are not a team and cannot live in harmony.

17

I agree that the relationship with hubby is more imp. than that with the friend, but i dnt think that is the issue here. The issue is that he is not treating his wife as an equal as far as decisions are concerned. He can bring into the house whoever he wishes, ok i knw that they r his family, but 1 brother treated matineesiren really badly, ran away and she was left to clear up the mess, but she tolerated it and put up with it, even welcoming his brothers back into the house
But her husband can't do this little thing, he seems to want to make all the decisions and call al the shots, it's just not on, Mutual respect is needed to make any marriage successful

It cant go on like this especially if any physical abuse continues!!!

The last sentence you spoke
18

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

this is a dillemma that every married couple must face, i have heard.

the thing is that you two should not let anyone just make your house their pad.

helping someone or being host to your own blood relations for a couple of weeks or months is fine.
unless parents in laws and parents are living with you for good.

but never compare to let down or feel like you have some patronization that you awarded each other and never get back for something from past, to each other to sour your current time with each other.

tell him that he needs to listen to you and then both of you will make the decision together. he has to have reasons to not let you do what you want to. same for him. he has to listen to your reasons which you will have to share to show him why you dont want a certain something to be done by him.

in any case, you two TOGETHER need to decide and be kind and polite when you speak to each other.
sometimes as a spouse, you should check your spouse's intention by speaking about a hypothetical situation. it will help both of you see what would you do if such or such an event were to happen or you had a decision to make about something.
this pre-knowledge will help you ascertain that both of you easily concur on the decision or not. if you do, then great. if you dont, then you will need to work on it.

also, a year into marriage and such disagreements is something that both of you need to revisit as well.

why is this, now?

sometimes, it is true people would leave their spouses even after 2 or more children and years into their marriages. but that is an unfortunate thing which you dont want to be in such a situation.

dont make him feel rotten unless he is being really unreal and unfair. take one issue at a time and encourage him to solve it with you.

good luck!

How do you guys keep track of recipes?
19

He changes his mind often, for big and small things. He offered to take me to NYC a while ago and as we were leaving he changed his mind. It makes me insane. I can't deal with a lack of integrity. It's one of the biggest things that upset me.

As for the abuse, it's a complex issue. But he knows I rely on him, and so do my parents. They've told me to deal with it until I'm stable enough to be on my own if he doesn't change. I'm handicapped right now and I can't support myself at all. And he uses this to control me. I have asserted myself (I'm actually a VERY opinionated and aggressive, independent female), but with mere survival hanging over my head (I've been homeless before, I would rather die that do that again), I've gotta deal with all of it.

I'm just SO angry that I told my friend it was ok and HE even told her it was ok and now he's changed his mind? This not only reflects on ME as if I were lying or changing MY mind, it makes me feel worse because she has opened her place to me so many times. My friends mean the world to me.

20

Yes, I have sat down with him and discussed this calmly.But what he says "goes." I get no say in the matter. When we first moved into this house we were short on money (we still are), and I said it would be ok if he let consultants live in the extra rooms (even MEN!), so it would help out our finances since I can't work a full time job. My friend is a person I know, and she's female, and she would help with paying rent, but that can't happen? He was more willing to find a strange man to live with us than to allow my female friend to!

I have always put my family above my comfort. I keep making sacrifices in order to help us, yet I'm always the one making the biggest sacrifice. It's like he expects if of me since I'm not bringing a lot of money into the household like he is.