Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

[MatineeSiren]

if it was an arranged marriage - i think the first thing that u need to do is get ur family involved.. how can they NOT come to help u out? u might have had ur rough times with them but in the end ur their flesh and blood.. other than that I really think u need to get on the line of maybe talking to a lawyer.. u are very sick.. and u really dont need this.. i wish i was in ur area and i cud come get u but unfortunately im not.. i think maybe living in a sheltar would be better under the circumstances ur in.. i realize u might want to be independant.. get some money and then think abt these things but ur in a position where ur husband literally is telling u that he'll abuse u.. i think the fact that he doesnt respect u and ur privacy is an abuse first and foremost.. ur marriage is a one way street and no relationship can ever work this way!

My family told me that once I'm married, I'm no longer part of the family. And if I divorce, I am not welcome to stay with them. My parents shoved me off into this marriage because I was a burden to them. Same story, different "ownership."

I have spoken to a lawyer, and I know what I could possibly get. However, there are no guarnatee's and I can't be left helpless for any period of time. I'd rather die than be homeless or go to a shelter. I guess I've been through enough where I can say that I can deal with this in order to hopefully have a better future.

[mall]

My family told me that once I'm married, I'm no longer part of the family. And if I divorce, I am not welcome to stay with them. My parents shoved me off into this marriage because I was a burden to them. Same story, different "ownership."

I have spoken to a lawyer, and I know what I could possibly get. However, there are no guarnatee's and I can't be left helpless for any period of time. I'd rather die than be homeless or go to a shelter. I guess I've been through enough where I can say that I can deal with this in order to hopefully have a better future.

my heart has never pained readin someone's post on GS as much as urs did... this is really v v sad and it makes me realise i m not alone... i have other issues, not exactly the same as urs but I can relate in the "burden" department... it feels really bad I know. and I know why u dun wanna leave him... u mite have shelter homes and stuff there but the feeling of complete loneliness and not havin ppl around u(even those who hurt us the most) can b really difficult. i wud just say hang in there, start praying... u said u r not a believer of prayer.. which is not gud.. u shud return to prayin... havin said that let me tell u a personal thing. i myself find myself in a position where i have lost hope on everything... my marital life has been hell since ive been married, things are not in their best state... i gradually stopped prayin altogether! i used to pray fridays and now not even that... cus i jst lost hope... i dont understand whty men have a higher position than women etc... i do agree with some but there r times when i feel y is men given so much authority that they give a damn about women. its not the Quran, its the ppl who follow it that twist it acc. to their will and pleasure.. i mean we have our rites too but who cares abt all that when Allah himself has said husband is like God??????? so all this and alot more conflicting points abt Islam have made me like this. I do want to start prayin and everything.. i think this is the last refuge.. if things dun get better after this, i dunno why the hell I m alive!

[arjay]

@MatineeSiren

I'm in a pickle. A good friend of mine is getting evicted from her apartment because she is past due by 5 months (long story, her boyfriend at the time was stealing money from her and taking drugs, and she fell ill with severe debilitating migraines and couldn't work). She recently got a job and has been giving over most of her weekly paycheck to her apartment manager in order to catch up. They were fine with it until 2 days ago, whey they issued her an eviction notice out of the blue. So now, she has nowhere to go.

I asked my husband if he'd be ok with her coming here. He knew she had a cat and didn't have a car and would need help getting to work until she got one (which would be in about 2-3 weeks when she gets a past due tax rebate).

He said that it was totally fine (we have a 3 bedroom house with lots of space). He even offered to take her to a car lot to talk to some guys he knows about getting a deal on a car.

This was yesterday. Today he tells me that she can't come, because he doesn't want anyone infringing on his "comfort," so he can walk around half naked, leave the bathroom door open, etc. And he doesn't care about her situation, and that she should help herself.

So here's a little history of what I've gone through.

1. A year into our marriage I asked him to bring his brother here to live with us so that he could get an education and not have to worry about paying rent and whatnot. I even went to the board of education to demand his entrance into school here. His brother came, treated me horribly, and ended up running away and I had to deal with homeland security and subsequent visa issues with that brother. I had to deal with it, not my husband.

2. Right after that, we subleased a room in our house to a consultant because we needed the extra cash. I was totally ok with it, even though I suffered.

3. Later, another one of his brothers came to live with us (even though I didn't want it, I said fine). I didn't say anything to him. He left after 5 months because he failed to secure a job.

4. A few months ago, the first brother came back and lived with us. I told my husband I didn't want him here because of what he had done in the past, but my concerns weren't addressed. He came and lived with us, and I was completely civil and kind to him. Luckily, he matured in that time and I no longer harbor any ill feelings toward him.

So considering all of that, what about MY comfort? I gave up my comfort in my own house to help my husband and his family. I went out of my way and even had to deal with HOMELAND SECURITY for him. I had to dress like I would outside, even wearing a dupatta and hijab in the house. I stayed in one room for nearly a year so I wouldn't infringe on their comfort. I suffered for over a year! And I didn't once ask his brothers to leave! Now a friend of mine needs help for a couple of months MAXIMUM, and HIS comfort can't be infringed on? What the hell! I'm so mad!

I had to rant. What should I do? I give and I give and he doesn't realize that, or he demeans my sacrifice. He's like a stick! He doesn't view this marriage as an equal partnership right now. Whatever he says goes and I don't accept that.

A class fellow of mine (from school) now living in UK had a similar problem.
She turned to me for counseling (I dont know why?)...I told her she has two choices;

1. Live with it..... or
2. Be brave and take a decision!

She took the decision and now lives a very happy life...as a working mom with her kiddo..now 8+ and well settled! There could be umpteenth cases of such nature..elsewhere.

REMEMBER; in this world of today...if there is any 'class' which is lower than the dust on values relating to the treatment & attitude to be given/extended to their spouses...it's MALE class....!!

I am a male myself but I do not include myself in such class because I am possibly one of the great example in my khandaan.. on how I treated my wife and her wishes and values...towards her desires and wants. I made her stand at par with me.....and (touch wood) have never once in our 33 years of married life...beeen at odds with each other on anything.

MAN do not buy a wife...they should get this out of their mind once in for all !!
A female comes in their life as a wife....to be treated equally and at par... and treated with respect upholding her genuine and desired wishes--as a MAN would expect from her!

I hope you and yours...do realize that everything is in the hands of you both!
take a decision or live with it !

Allah Aap Ki Pariashaani jald dorre kare...(A'meen)

[Pareezay]

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

My heart goes out to you MS, I had tears in my eyes reading your posts and will remember you in my duas. Please pray, you can never do so enough, may Allah swt help you always, amen.

[Sehar]

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

For those few of you suggesting homeless shelters, do you even know how the hell they work, and what the hell can potentially go on there or does go on there?????? Cuz I've worked with people who come from homeless shelters and the stories they describe are disturbing & heart wrenching. I wouldn't suggest that for anyone.

MS - I dont want to make you feel like I feel sorry for you, but my heart goes out to you and I'll make duaa for you that Insha'Allah, I hope things work out. Some parts of your marriage reminded me of another couple that I know closely and how there is nothing left in marriage when there is no mutual respect for each other, forget love because thats a long gone story.

[Mamaof3]

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

MS, there are more options open to you than homeless shelters. You can receive welfare benefits and very possibly also Social Security disability benefits if you qualify for it. If you receive welfare benefits, they will also help you either find employment or schooling, It isnt a fun thing to be on welfare but it can help you get on your feet so to speak, with enough money to have a small apartment, groceries etc. THIS is what the welfare system was put in place for! And when its used in cases like yours, I dont mind paying so much in taxes!

Sorry to say it but your marriage is really a train wreck and is doing nothing but making you feel like an indebted, indentured servant. If you already have an attorney, you should speak to him/her about all of the options that you have, ask about what kind of financial support and educational support you could receive etc. I bet you will be pleasantly surprised to see that you WOULD be able to make it on your own - even now.

Best of luck to you.

[Mirch]

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

I am so heart broken reading all the details and yes my heart goes out for you. I would advice you to get a divorce and sue him for half the estate. You will be better off, another thing do not discount the power of prayers , you would never know from where and how Allah will help you out.
That discrimination suit you are talking about and counting on is a straw of hope for you , it might or might not make you rich. For now treat it as if it is not going to happen and take a decision. You are fighting against a big company , they will fight it to death , they will also hire some very competent attorney. It might drag on for years. But you are in a pickle right now.
Who knows once you win that suit your husband might start treating you like a queen and you fall for it and all your windfall gets blown away by him. If he is as rich as you say , once you file for divorce and for division of estate , that will teach him a lesson and he might bend on to his knees , for now he lives in a world of ecstasy and fantasy. He needs to learn lesson for being a jerk he is.

[Mamaof3]

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

I wouldnt advise to count on a huge settlement for the lawsuit. If the disability was well-documented to the school, there is a really good chance of winning it but the settlement will not make you rich. It would probably be in the area of 5 to 25 thousand. It will take at least a year or two, possibly more. And lawyers typically get at least a 30 percent cut of the reward. So best to put that on a back burner, dont count on it and focus on getting out of this horrible situation, get yourself out of there and on your feet with the help of government agencies who are there to assist in cases like yours. Like I said, I think you will be pleasantly surprised when you discover how much assistance you can actually receive. My sister received rent and grocery money, childcare, tuition fees and book money for nursing school. when she graduated from school, she became a nurse, a really good one and has been working up the ladder, earning more and more each year.

You CAN do this MS!!

[Maha_Shonu]

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

i have Loads to say abt this. which most ppl will probably disagree with ..so i wont even go there.. but STill how can so many of u be telling her to get a divorce over a friend not being able to stay with her???.. things happen.. decisions break.. ppl change their minds.. IT HAPPENS.. deal with it.. i am sure we do it loads of times too.. u dont go and get divorced over it.. we gurls.. though educated... still need to realise that marriages need loads of compromises.. it takes Lots of hard work.. and lifes not always nice.. but it cant always stay crappy too.. all u gota do is to brave it out... i dont think divorce should even be an option here..

[Mamaof3]

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

maha, you need to read the posts here and understand the situation. You missed the whole story entirely....the husband is an abusive tyrant. He makes her feel like an indentured slave. Her life is pure misery. The situation goes well and far beyond the matter of whether her friend stays with her or not. No one in their right minds would advise divorce if that were the only issue....

There is a world of difference between compromise and being a doormat for an abusive husband to wipe his feet on. And to live in abject misery while the husband declares himself king.

My advice stands - divorce is the obvious and only solution to this gals sad story.

[Mirch]

i have Loads to say abt this. which most ppl will probably disagree with ..so i wont even go there.. but STill how can so many of u be telling her to get a divorce over a friend not being able to stay with her???.. things happen.. decisions break.. ppl change their minds.. IT HAPPENS.. deal with it.. i am sure we do it loads of times too.. u dont go and get divorced over it.. we gurls.. though educated... still need to realise that marriages need loads of compromises.. it takes Lots of hard work.. and lifes not always nice.. but it cant always stay crappy too.. all u gota do is to brave it out... i dont think divorce should even be an option here..

You need to read all the posts and replies by MS , there is lot more going on. You are right nobody should get divorce based on a this one little issue of friend staying over. She started with it but then slowly and gradually a lot more came out in the open.

[Maha_Shonu]

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

i did Read the whole story.. i wouldn't have said ne thing without doing so.. i guess every one to their own opinions.. its easy to tell some one to get outa the relationship and be strong and all.. but having seen many gurls go thru that.. it doesnt end up to be the better solution.Running away is never a solution to the problems.. they need to be dealt with

[Mamaof3]

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

that's a sad testament on your part Maha....that you would advise someone to endure such an abusive relationship.

[Reha]

Wow. I read the entire thread and I just cannot believe the amount of pain you have been through MS. You are lucky to have survived at all...some might have crumbled under these experiences and taken their own lives.

I guess my two cents would be to think about all you have suffered throughout your life. Think about all of the injustices you have had to face and the disappointments you had to silently accept as life. It must not have been easy to do. It couldnt have been easy to swallow your family panning you off to another man because they felt you were a burden on them. These are supposed to be your own flesh and blood, the mother and father that gave birth to you. It couldnt have been easy to be handicapped knowing you cannot help yourself and someone else has to help you. It must not have been easy to bite your tongue everytime you faced another one of your husband's verbal/physical attacks. It must not have been easy to live a life you have no control over.

Yet you made it through all of this. Why? You were looking for something to come out of it, right? Someday things would get better. All of the above was suffered because you were hoping to gain a better life someday out of it. Otherwise, it wouldnt have been worth it. You are still hoping to work things out because you want life to get better. You know there is something out there for you.

The problem is, you are looking in the wrong place for it. Your husband is standing between you and your dignity, self-esteem, independance, etc. A man who abuses his wife has absolutely NO respect for her. He thinks of her a something he has a right over...he owns you.

In his mind, you are not his equal.

Therefore, the simple rights of being heard by your husband, respected, taken care of, etc are not yours. You have a role to play: wife. Thats it. In exchange, you will get shelter, food, etc. This is not a marriage, this is an arrangement.

My advice is to get out. Ive been in a similar situation, difference is I wasnt handicapped. But I could honestly say I was emotionally, mentally, monetarily dependant on a man because he made me feel that small. Like I was nothing without him. He messed around on me too...even though I created who he is today. I got out of it despite my fear of being alone and vulnerable. I had not been alone in years and it was terrifying not knowing if anyone would want me after that ordeal. Who would want a scarred individual? That just screams baggage! I might as well wear a sign on my forehead.

Remember, I was financially and emotionally attached to this man and I did not take a single penny from him when I left. I stayed with my parents for a bit but they were ashamed of me. I got a job, moved out and started to work out. It seems very cliche but its an excellent way to get out of depression...in my humble opinion.

The point Im trying to make here is that all you have been through will be in COMPLETE vain if you dont improve your life. Your current situation is an insult to the woman who suffered so many injustices but still made it out. If you dont understand your position as an equal in your marriage and as human being, none of us can help you. You need a divorce. A woman is a beautiful and very precious creature and you need to recognize that!

I will not allow anyone else control my happiness.

[Reha]

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

One more thing: I went to a dars once where the teacher gave an example of a woman who was beaten daily by her husband. The whole neighborhood heard her being called vile names everyday. Yet when she was questioned by her friends as to why she was enduring all of this, her reply was that at least she had a husband. She said she could still walk with pride knowing she was married. (I didnt get that.) The ending of the story was that her children grew up to become her support system and take very good care of her now. (Well, what if she never had kids and died from all the violence?) The moral was even though she suffered such harsh abuse for years, Allah still gave her something to reward her for it. Needless to say, there was outrage in the mosque that morning and not a single woman was quiet!

Divorce is your right. Would you tell your daughter to stick it out with a man who was bruising her or hurting her feelings? Or would you want to maim the man yourself?

[sweefs]

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

I hope things work for the best for you. Inshallah and Ameen.

[sabi_13]

Re: Hubby changing his mind and making me sick

MS, our sympathies are with you. You really have suffered a lot! Do you love your husband? If yes, then don't go for divorce otherwise if there's no love between the two of you then according to Islam you can go for a divorce and live a happy life with a person who can make you happier. As I can see from your posts that you're a sensible, mature and caring wife of your husband, and you can make anybody love you. I must say so far, you've been a wonderful wife (in your part). May Allah Taala bless you and make your decisions for your better and happier future. Aameen Sumaameen!

[sabi_13]

I don't want to be married anymore. He told me his brother was coming back today, 4 hours before he arrived. I had no say.

I have always asked him to not speak in Urdu in front of me to other people because I can't understand it well and it's rude. I asked again today and he threatened to hit me twice in front of his brother.

I'm locked in the bedroom right now and I'm crying. This isn't love.

Its surely not love then, you must go for divorce. from one of your previous posts i realized he's cheating on you honey, he must have other gfs and he's hiding everything from you and making you sick! don't let him use you like that honey, just go for it and live a respectable life. why are you bearing insults everyday?

[sabi_13]

I don't want to be married anymore. He told me his brother was coming back today, 4 hours before he arrived. I had no say.

I have always asked him to not speak in Urdu in front of me to other people because I can't understand it well and it's rude. I asked again today and he threatened to hit me twice in front of his brother.

I'm locked in the bedroom right now and I'm crying. This isn't love.

I missed this post of yours MS, you need to go for a divorce for sure. I don't think your husband will ever respect you, and the most important thing i read on one of your posts that he lied to you as well, he's cheating on you for sure. i'm 99.9% sure of that now as he's not showing the pictures of his trip to you. why would a husband hide his vacation's photographs from his own wife? really disappointing, i can feel the pain in your heart. please don't torture yourself, just go for it. The one who doesn't even respect you will never love you and if your husband isn't loving then there's no point in living together, Islam also gives women the right to decide whether she's happy with her husband or not. If not then Allah Taala must've kept someone else for you of your match. Don't be too scared in making decisions, i feel you've less decision making power. Is it so? and do pray Salaat ul Hajaat, its really effective. I've a strong believe in Allah SWT, He knows what's best for us. start praying.. and you'll see the magic of satisfaction in every walk of your life. InshaAllah very soon.

[sabi_13]

I don't want to be married anymore. He told me his brother was coming back today, 4 hours before he arrived. I had no say.

I have always asked him to not speak in Urdu in front of me to other people because I can't understand it well and it's rude. I asked again today and he threatened to hit me twice in front of his brother.

I'm locked in the bedroom right now and I'm crying. This isn't love.

I missed this post of yours MS, you need to go for a divorce for sure. I don't think your husband will ever respect you, and the most important thing i read on one of your posts that he lied to you as well, he's cheating on you for sure. i'm 99.9% sure of that now as he's not showing the pictures of his trip to you. why would a husband hide his vacation's photographs from his own wife? really disappointing, i can feel the pain in your heart. please don't torture yourself, just go for it. The one who doesn't even respect you will never love you and if your husband isn't loving then there's no point in living together, Islam also gives women the right to decide whether she's happy with her husband or not. If not then Allah Taala must've kept someone else for you of your match. Don't be too scared in making decisions, i feel you've less decision making power. Is it so? and do pray Salaat ul Hajaat, its really effective. I've a strong believe in Allah SWT, He knows what's best for us. start praying.. and you'll see the magic of satisfaction in every walk of your life. InshaAllah very soon.