I happen to believe that it is the husbands DUTY to provide food and shelter etc, I wouldn't feel indebted to him, I would just think he is doing his Islamic duty as a husband. So don't feel like u owe him anything for that, that's what husbands r for.
U should enjoy being a kept woman! I know it sounds crazy, but think about it, at the moment u cannot work bcos of you health, so u may as well not fight it and allow yourself to fully take advantage of it. You owe nothing to your husband, he owes it to u to take care of u in this way.
Do u think that u must b supporting yourself even after u get married? I don't think that, but yes I do work for most of the time.
As I have become less religious he says that I don't "deserve," to be treated Islamically. he also maintains that as he's not a good Muslim, I can't bring up Islamic mandate against him.
I had to read all the posts to understand what is going on . He is being insulting to you. You are dependent on his financial support. Your School discriminated against you . Your parents gave you an ultimatum to get married on go out on the street. Were your parents really so selfish that they were willing to kick their sick daughter out ? He is abusive too. Who was abusive when the police came to your home , you or him ? Who called to police ?
You suffered abuse at the hand of your parents or some one else in the past ?
If you were sick and handicapped and he was financially stable , why did he marry you ? Was it arranged marriage or you two knew each other before you got married ?
Is your friend good looking and pretty or just average girl ?
There is so much more information needed before right kind of advise can be given , it is not an open and shut situation.
It is your right to keep all this information to you and do not provide any of it. But I am still at a loss to give any advise based on all the information provided so far. If you do not need my 2 cents that is OK too. I will pray to Allah for your well being.
Well, this isn't really pertaining the situation at hand, but you've got pretty much of it down. My history is full of suck. My mother called the police after I called her and told her about some things that had transpired prior to that phone call. Yes, my parents really were like that. They said they were "happier," when I wasn't there. It can be a real drain and burden to deal with people who are sick and/or depressed.
I made all my husband aware of everything that was going on with me before he married me. My parents also grilled him about his health insurance and whether or not he could financially support me.
My friend is ok looking. But the problem isn't her looks. She's 15 years older than my husband and very polite.
Based on all the information so far I would advise you to compromise with the situation for now as you have been in the past. Yes he did bad by going back on his decision to let your friend come and live in. As I see it your husband thinks that he is doing some kind of favor by marrying and supporting you. You can try to win his heart by being as compromising and submissive as you can be . You definitely can not win his heart by arguing , bickering and by being aggressive and assertive.
If he is abusive to the point where he hits you or gives you mental torture then you know what to do to avoid those situations . Only you know the complete picture and how you can handle your husband so work accordingly.
My two cents. I might be wrong.
Based on all the information so far I would advise you to compromise with the situation for now as you have been in the past. Yes he did bad by going back on his decision to let your friend come and live in. As I see it your husband thinks that he is doing some kind of favor by marrying and supporting you. You can try to win his heart by being as compromising and submissive as you can be . You definitely can not win his heart by arguing , bickering and by being aggressive and assertive.
If he is abusive to the point where he hits you or gives you mental torture then you know what to do to avoid those situations . Only you know the complete picture and how you can handle your husband so work accordingly.
My two cents. I might be wrong.
I think my husband married me because of my looks... heh. Anyway I have been submissive, but it makes me sick to do so. I'm a very strong independent person now and I loathe lowering myself to any man. It's just horrible to deal with right now. I wish I were able to support myself so this wouldnt hang over my head and so we could possibly have a better marriage.
Thats funny, me and my hubby were just talking about people from pakistan who do that. Make promises or say things they never mean. Like he probably just says yes and never means it and then when he thinks about it he says no. Anyways either way, its a really annoying habbit.
It doesn't matter how religious you guys are, you are still Muslims. You still have to follow Islam, whatever way you can. And if not for the sake of Allah then I dont know for the sake of self-respect maybe tell him to start keeping his promises. And tell him that he should consider you his equal when making decisions like that. Like Mamaof3 said you gotta stand up for yourself but be prepared to pay the price. And if you don't love him, and he is making your life hell then look into divorce.
Other than that, I think we can just pray that you situation improves and somehow Allah puts love and respect in his heart for you, ameen.
I am a very strong believer in prayer and I know that if you pray to Allah and do salat-e-hajat, Allah will find a way for you. Maybe change his mind or find a another option. But please, regardless of how religious you are, do not stop praying to Allah to improve your situation. His mercy is WAY BIGGER than our bad deeds.
I think my husband married me because of my looks... heh. Anyway I have been submissive, but it makes me sick to do so. I'm a very strong independent person now and I loathe lowering myself to any man. It's just horrible to deal with right now. I wish I were able to support myself so this wouldnt hang over my head and so we could possibly have a better marriage.
Somone else already mentioned, he is not doing a favor by supporting you.
But I know how you feel. I think it has a lot to do with the way we were brought up. I am going through that phase too where I am trying to not feel guilty for my dad having spent so much money on me and it took me a really long time for me let my hubby pay for stuff.
As I have become less religious he says that I don't "deserve," to be treated Islamically. he also maintains that as he's not a good Muslim, I can't bring up Islamic mandate against him.
It does not depend on your level of religiousness to be treated Islamically. However, do u think theres any hope of him doing his Islamic duty if he thought u were more religious?
Aside from that, do u pray at times when u r feeling low? Please do try, make a quiet time and contemplate, bcos it should help u feel better.
Do not feel that u r a burden on those who r close to u, when some one is ill, they should b supported by their family.
Tell your husband that it is a soul destroying quality when a man goes back on his word. U lose your trust in a person bcos of it, and trust is an essential factor in a good relationship.
Does he realise how much he goes back on his words? DOes he realise the effect it has on u?
If it gets bad, perhaps u and your friend should get a place together for a while, u may need a break from eachother to realise what this relationship means to each of u.
If he doesnt understand u when u talk, or if it gets heated, write him a letter saying how u feel about his actions, and what u would like out of the relationship, and detail your own bad points, but dont give it to him. Read that letter the next day and try to c what he would make of it.
Your life is already messed up @ abusive parents/husband, spinal injury/lawsuit/and what not.....what difference will it make it if one more issue is added ? I say go for it Girl....Looking at the bright side if you manage to ge a divorce you will get half of everything including the house.
Somone else already mentioned, he is not doing a favor by supporting you.
But I know how you feel. I think it has a lot to do with the way we were brought up. I am going through that phase too where I am trying to not feel guilty for my dad having spent so much money on me and it took me a really long time for me let my hubby pay for stuff.
Well I grew up in America ya know. And I hate relying on another human being. It makes me feel as though I have no value. And he said if I want to act like an American (wearing american clothes, having white friends, going out, etc), then he would treat our relationship as an american one.
So basically, I'm indebted to him because he's supporting my lazy ass.
It does not depend on your level of religiousness to be treated Islamically. However, do u think theres any hope of him doing his Islamic duty if he thought u were more religious?
Aside from that, do u pray at times when u r feeling low? Please do try, make a quiet time and contemplate, bcos it should help u feel better.
Do not feel that u r a burden on those who r close to u, when some one is ill, they should b supported by their family.
I don't really know. And I can't stand hypocrisy so I wouldn't feign religiosity just to get into this "good graces." (not to say you're suggesting that). but it's how it would end up happening.
I don't believe in prayer anymore. It's a complicated issue that I really don't wanna get into. I do take time to meditate though, but my worries don't allow me to do it for long.
I still feel like I'm a burden. I feel as though I should be doing everything for everyone else. I had such high goals and everyone had these expectations of me that I have not been allowed to meet. I put my family in debt from medical bills and hurt everyone by my mere presence.
Tell your husband that it is a soul destroying quality when a man goes back on his word. U lose your trust in a person bcos of it, and trust is an essential factor in a good relationship.
Does he realise how much he goes back on his words? DOes he realise the effect it has on u?
If it gets bad, perhaps u and your friend should get a place together for a while, u may need a break from eachother to realise what this relationship means to each of u.
If he doesnt understand u when u talk, or if it gets heated, write him a letter saying how u feel about his actions, and what u would like out of the relationship, and detail your own bad points, but dont give it to him. Read that letter the next day and try to c what he would make of it.
Then give it to him after that.
I had suggested to him that maybe we take a vacation away from eachother (he's been on 5 vacations in the nearly 3 years of our marriage and I haven't been on one. I was just left home in a city where I had no friends or family and without a car).
He has a history of lying to me. I was in the hospital for a major surgery in February to remove ovarian tumors (my second such surgery). He said he was in Philadelphia going for a job interview. Later I found out he was in LA just messin around. I could have died on the operating table or found out that I had cancer, and he lied to me about where he was. He blamed me for not knowing because 1. I don't care enough, and 2. I ask too many questions (and they contradict eachother, he just can never be straight with me). And I still havent been allowed to see the photo's from his trip there, and the second trip he took there.
So I'm used to him lying and taking back his promises.
Your life is already messed up @ abusive parents/husband, spinal injury/lawsuit/and what not.....what difference will it make it if one more issue is added ? I say go for it Girl....Looking at the bright side if you manage to ge a divorce you will get half of everything including the house.
LOL! I just don't want a divorce though. I still really want to make things work. But I'm afraid it's not going to. I think we're just too far gone for that.
I don't want to be married anymore. He told me his brother was coming back today, 4 hours before he arrived. I had no say.
I have always asked him to not speak in Urdu in front of me to other people because I can't understand it well and it's rude.
I asked again today and he threatened to hit me twice in front of his brother.
I'm locked in the bedroom right now and I'm crying. This isn't love.
You both need help and seriously this isnt the place to be getting it.
"this isnt love" u say... was it to begin with?
We've tried getting help. I just needed a place to vent and this was the only one that I had. I can't call my parents or anyone else and talk about it.
The thing is, you guys need serious help. Venting is good... it eases the mind but from what im reading, ur situation is not just about venting. U guys have serious issues (ie abuse) which requires you to seek help outside of your house... outside of GS..
Ur parents should know... and ur their daughter. They need to help you and protect you
if it was an arranged marriage - i think the first thing that u need to do is get ur family involved.. how can they NOT come to help u out? u might have had ur rough times with them but in the end ur their flesh and blood..
other than that I really think u need to get on the line of maybe talking to a lawyer.. u are very sick.. and u really dont need this.. i wish i was in ur area and i cud come get u but unfortunately im not.. i think maybe living in a sheltar would be better under the circumstances ur in.. i realize u might want to be independant.. get some money and then think abt these things but ur in a position where ur husband literally is telling u that he'll abuse u.. i think the fact that he doesnt respect u and ur privacy is an abuse first and foremost.. ur marriage is a one way street and no relationship can ever work this way!
The thing is, you guys need serious help. Venting is good... it eases the mind but from what im reading, ur situation is not just about venting. U guys have serious issues (ie abuse) which requires you to seek help outside of your house... outside of GS..
Ur parents should know... and ur their daughter. They need to help you and protect you
As I have stated before, we have addressed this situation with outside sources. Our parents have been brought in, and we've been through marital counseling. Nothing works.