How?

Lifestyle Relationships
61

Re: How?

quite true, wish i couldnt care less really.

62

Re: How?

I dont understand why you cant just give him all the space he wants?

Nadzzz...the more you run after something...the more it runs away from you.

Leave him be...just leave him alone and see how long it takes for him to snap out of it. When you tell him stuff about his family...do you think he is going to agree with you? Sit there and say "yeah, my sister's nuts man and my mom's lost it too". Is that what you're hoping for? It wont happen...you wouldn't want to believe anything bad about your family either...even if they were wrong. Even if you're right...stop saying things about his family to him. NO ONE will stand there and listen to anything about their parents, sisters, brothers or whatever...even if they're wrong. And if you ignore his feelings and continue to bring up his family and all the stunts they pull...he WILL resent you more. Because you're the reason he can't be close to them.

Stop chasing him and telling him to do stuff...let him feel his responsibilities himself. Act like an adult and treat others like their adults too. He is not a child and neither are you. Stop acting like this is some sort of fairy tale where he comes floating on a cloud and takes you away to some castle where you both live happily ever after.

You need to let go - SERIOUSLY - otherwise you WILL destroy your marriage and years later realize it was all your fault. Its a crappy feeling...being the one who messed it all up. You cant live like this and cant expect him to put up with it either.

He screwed up, okay. He wants to fix it, so let HIM fix it. Its HIS job to make things better so let HIM do it.

As for his mother...you let her do these things to you. You allowed this to happen where she can manipulate her son into doing anything she wants. If he wasn't so frustrated with you, do you think he would listen to her? But he doesn't have wife, he as a screaming banshee. So who does he turn to? His mother. You're NOT there for him. You are NOT supportive. You are NOT his backbone. Not everything is about you...its about him too.

PICK YOUR DAMN BATTLES!

63

Re: How?

^ Very nicely put Reha!

Nadz your threads just seem to repeat themselves. You need to remember that he has other relationships as well as that of his relationship with you. You can't expect him to stop showing love to his sister and mum just because you don't love them in the same way that he does. If his mum has issues with you then don't play up to it by throwing a tantrum at such small things.

Seriously, if my in laws or my fiance saw me behave in the way that you seem to behave I would be so embarrassed of myself. Don't argue with your husband in front of or around them as this just shows them that there is problems in your relationship. If your in laws are as bad as you say they are then potentially they could work on these problems and before you know it things have spiralled out of control!

As others have suggested you need to get a hobby or a job to take your attention away from what your husband is doing all the time. When he goes out with his sister, you go along too. When you want to go somewhere you ask him and like you say he takes you, even if this means asking more than once does that really matter? Is it really worth causing problems in your own marriage over ice cream and trips out? If mother in law has anything to say about you guys going out just ignore it.

Just a general question, what is it that you dislike about his sister so much? Is she prettier than you? Smarter than you? Or has she just worked out how to treat others around her in such a way that they're happy to do things for her? You seem adamant on getting her out of the house but remember that she is his sister! He will always love her and care for her in a different way that he cares you and your daughters. There is room for everybody in his life and there is a different type of love for you all!

64

Re: How?

You are right saying that he should care for you and go out with you etc. if he is doing the same with his sister.However, you are wrong saying that he should careonly for you. He should care for both.

65

Re: How?

Nadz, if he isn't changing towards you, maybe YOU need to change a few things about yourself.

  1. FORGET about how his mother lies, and doesn't like you guys going out/fills his head, sis in law attention seeker etc. Take them out of the equation and fulfill your responsibility as a mature wife and mother. Leave the petty issues, if someone is doing this then Allah swt will judge them but you need to take this things out of your head as they will eat your marriage up. They are non existent and they are exaggerated in your brain, hence you take out this crazy frustration from this built up anger on your husband. NO man is gonna like his wife talking about his mother and sister unless he's totally dumb.

  2. POSITIVE ATTITUDE. From all your threads, I can see you generally do not have a positive attitude towards the people around you. I understand that things happen and people are evil, but you cannoy let them get you down. Keep your head held high, smile and grit your teeth. Don't let your husband go away angry from you because he will always prefer the company of someone who will not nag and curse him every hour of the day, ie his mum and sister. Don't push him away, use your brains, charm and positive attitude to win him back. Yes you heard me, you can win a man's heart not by being a total pushover but us woman have qualities in us that can make their partners run towards them, especially wifes.

  3. BE YOUR OWN PERSON. Don't always depend on him as previous posters have said, try to form your own bonds with your sis/mother in law. For eg: I made a real effort to get to know my mum and sis in law as for who they are as people not because they were my husbands mum and sis. I formed my own bonds and the atmosphere is so nice when they consult me and give me that extra respect only because I went the extra mile for them in the start. You cannot win someones love and respect so easily, you have to at least try.

4.WORK ON YOUR SELF ESTEEM. You definately need to work on your confidence and self esteem. You need to believe your worth and remind yourself that your husband's love for you will not lessen if he loves his mother and sister. Remember sharing is caring, being open, loving, giving, generous, positiveand mature will earn you much more respect from him. A wife whp upholds the his respect and his families honour and loves and protects his family as her own is worth so much more. Actually she is a diamonnd, As opposed to being a jealous,insecure, clinging, nagging argumentative and selfish wife...I know which one i'd rather be.
If you change for the better you will bring out his good side and he will want to do things for you from the heart sincerely.
All these things are hard, but if you let go of your ego and pray to Allah swt to guide you, you will be fine. Also read up and learn how the mothers of islam were as wifes such as Ayesha RA, Khadija Ra, Fathima RA. They are incomparable to us, such is their status but we can learn from them and implement things in our lives to make them better.

You will find that as a mother you have such an important role to play now, you are an influence to those young children and you need to change if not for you then for them. If you do not respect your husband then neither will your kids, remember that.

66

Re: How?

DD - This is nadz venting. If she wanted advice that she was going to follow, this thread would not exist.

Oh really, I thought it was experience. Isn't that what you said in the other thread? So, are you/have you been married? Have you experienced having to leave your family, and possibly friends to start a new family? To make it work, your spouse and children are the first priority in your life, they come first in your thoughts. So when your husband decides that actually, his blood family come first and your desires are secondary to him, you don't know what you do would door how you would feel until you have been in that situation.

A wedding and having sex/making babies, is not what makes the bond between two people.

67

Re: How?

I didn't mean to be harsh on you Nadzy.

I just hope you realize that his sister is his blood...he will never stop caring about her or the mother that gave birth to him. It doesn't work that way. And if he does, then he is not a good person. If a man can stop loving the mother that raised him then you stand no chance. Him caring about his family is a GOOD thing because you are also part of that family.

What you can help him do is ALSO love you. When you got married, you didn't stop loving your parents or siblings, did you? You just added him to the list of people you adore.

Don't be the kind of woman that makes a man choose between his mother/sister and his wife. Those women are never happy.

68

Re: How?

Well that's just the issue isn't Reha. He's not treating her the same. He's happy to share food with his sister but not with his wife? Good one!

I'm not justifying her behaviour but they are not treating her as part of the family. She is their blood now too. His parents should have more sense in regards to what they need. The mother should be encouraging them to out on their own and enjoy spending time together.

69

Re: How?

I know what you mean and you're right.

I just think that if you compete with someone, it becomes a competition. If you don't, it won't. Nadz should not compare herself with ANYONE because she is his wife and the mother of his children. There is no competition. If she relaxed and stopped letting these things bother her, things will change. I doubt her MIL or SIL fight with the guy about attention.

He will do something (or not), nadzzz will get upset, have a row with him and guess who he's running to? Mom and sister...the compassionate souls who don't demand anything from him and give him unconditional love.

What he's doing is wrong but if she wants to change the situation, she has to change herself first.

70

Re: How?

Yeh. Well everyone has been telling her that for the past year. If it hasn't sunk in yet, I don't think it's going to.

She is going to have to make up for everyone else's "mistakes". The husband who thinks it's okay to act more caring with his sister than his wife, in front of others. The mother in law who doesn't seem to think that a wife-husband relationship is anything outside the bedroom. And a SIL who is not really treating her like sister.

71

Re: How?

:smack:

honestly I don’t know what to say in response to this nadz. But at least I appreciate that you agree that you can be really emotional at times. Well lesson # 1 : men aren’t like this. If caught in too many emotions they tend to run away. Isn’t it obvious to the replies of some guys here on the forum?

Secondly I know your MIL too probably isn’t treating you the best way. But in a MIL-DIL relationship formality, resentment and suspicion always exists no matter what. You tend to judge the other person wrongly and misinterpret what they are going through. But that doesnt mean they are both bad … one should just learn to ignore the snide remarks and tell yourself that your life shouldn’t be spent fussing about these little things. So what if she says ‘yes do go’ on your face but you feel that she says stuff behind your back. Do you actually have proof ?

I can completely understand how hard it is to adjust without your parents in a new country … I myself am doing that nadz without any of my family ..and I can relate to your concerns because after about a month of moving here my own IL’s were here for two months and yes am pregnant too. I wasn’t even used to working cleaning cooking back at home because I was mostly studying and had servants and maids to do that. plus the morning sickness I had to cope with and weakness - it IS hard… I used to feel their little remarks alot. Although my MIL never scolded me or chided me but I still did***. But then I thought how many times our moms have shouted at us and scolded us for a lot of things but we never take those times to heart and not dwell over them !

***Also I figured that the resentment wouldn’t go nowhere…I would still see my hubby getting all the attention from his mom and that would make me miss my mom alot more..but I decided not to let this all get on to me. I kept doing what I enjoyed the most ..watched my tv shows when I got time, read a good book, skyped with my friends and family and actually enjoyed the time i had with my hubby.

Put yourself in your hubby’s shoes ..if HE kept saying stuff about your parents or siblings ..and say you don’t care about me ..they shouldnt be important to you. your mom isnt nice to me …wouldnt you be frustrated? I would be definitely.

And IF a time comes when they really do something wrong to you then nadz even if you tell your hubby he wouldnt understand the gravity of the situation and he would think you are being your usual paranoid emotional self. Please don’t let this happen. Don’t let him get completely tired of you. I think he’s already being very patient at the moment.

Lastly…despite your SIL’s wedding is in Dec/Jan they are letting you go to the UK that too for like six months ..shows they aren’t too cruel or mean. It’s a big gesture … and normally people wouldnt understand and say ‘bhabi nand ki shadi par nahi ayi’ ..yes people have that kind of weird mentality.

SO you just have a month …spend it happily with your hubby. He deserves it too. And before you go just be really nice to your SIL and MIL. So that they also miss you while you are gone and realise your importance rather than thanking God for you going away ! :slight_smile:

For once please think about others..it’s not long. It’s JUST a month !

and LASTLY pleaseee take advice from people here …don’t just come here to vent and then go forget everything and come back again with the same multitude of probems :slight_smile:

72

Re: How?

She is his WIFE! She is going to be with him for his entire life. She has to be treated better than his mother or his sister. She LEFT her family to be with him. How should she expect anything less? He needs to learn his lesson but when things are not happening for you, you have to let it go and work on yourself to be a better person. THIS IS WHAT NADZ NEEDS TO DO RIGHT NOW!

I can promise you Nadz, this is NOT going to be forever. You can't make him treat you better. With our desi people, it's something you earn. I know it's wrong but that's how our society is. Women have to earn their respect and better treatment. This is not going to change for who knows how long. You have to make your life worth living. No one else can do that for you - not even your husband.

73

Re: How?

that's quite true..so SHE has to make an effort and make her life worth living. Her hubby or her MIL etc won't be the ones to change .

But by continuously complaining, moaning and bad mouthing about his family won't make her earn respect and better treatment in her husband's eyes. It could get worse. So it's all down to one month now. Then she can go and have all the fun back in the UK for 6 months at least :)

74

Re: How?

^Agreed. We all learn it's not the way to go soon after marriage, lol. Nadz taking a little longer. It's so sad that things are so ****ty for women in our culture that a person like myself ends up hating everything about it. But some good things come out of it too. I have learned to be patient, something I never was. I am learning to be a more selfless person- not by giving up everything in my life but by living for others. Seeing others happy makes me happy.. seeing my husband happy means the world to me. Ever since I have changed my attitude, I have only experienced happiness. it's something I learned the hard way but I get it now. It took two threads on Gupshup and seeing another woman living a miserable life to change my attitude.

We can't expect our grandparents, parents, MILs, FILs to change their attitude now about what we consider to be a better society/culture. It's too much to ask for. We can teach our children to not make the same mistakes.

75

Re: How?

Nadz, did you have a happy childhood?

I really think you have some deeper problems and you should see a professional. No its not all about Pakistan or your MIL, I've read your threads from UK as well, and you do have some issues in your head.

Every time I read your thread, the first thing that comes in my is that this women will make such an interesting case for psychiatry students.

76

Re: How?

Maybees you should pray for us, pray that our inexperienced souls grow to be like the wise owl you are.

Amen.

:)

77

Re: How?

Btw, when I said tutoring, I meant have couple of kids come over to your house not for you to go out and look for a job. I'm sure your MIL who is a lecturer herself (I believe?) will appreciate you doing something productive that too in terms of teaching instead of just wasting time and looking bored. I don't know you personally but trust me people who always have this bored, sulky, moan-y little face on, do piss really off others. If you really can't give off positive vibe than how do you expect others to be appreciative of you? People can always sense negative energy and you seem quite full of it, technically your efforts are not making a mark because they're probably tainted with negative energy.

78

Re: How?

You say that his mom doesn't appreciate anything. Well, even when your husband acts caring toward you....you think he's only doing it cuz "he's behaving temporarily"....that doesn't sound too appreciative.

Lemme give you an example. At my job...my boss's daugther is also an employee. And as much as my boss goes around claiming that she treats all employees equally.......she doesn't. She favors her daugther more...makes things more easier for her...and more difficult and incovenient for other employees. Why am I telling you this? Don't be naive......your MIL will NEVER treat you the same as her own daughter.

You get turned off when your MIL gets grumpy when you and your husband go out together. You KNOW that your MIL behaves like that because she's unreasonably posessive and jealous. And y'know what, Nadia? You're not much different from your MIL...with your own jealousies. If you find her jealousy/posessiveness off-putting....how do you think you come across? Something to think about.

Also, you can't stop your husband from spending time with his sister. I believe you mentioned once that she's getting married. Well, maybe that's one reason why he's very close to her these days. For now, I think you should at least work on setting a regular date night or some outing with your husband. Going out of the house can bring you some peace of mind. Sometimes, you can even take MIL along or bring her back something when it's just you and your husband....soften her up.

If your MIL was nicer to you...you'd soften up a bit about her. Maybe if you try including her...bonding up...she'll soften up as well. And your efforts could possibly bring your husband closer to you. I think many of these things are connected.

79

Re: How?

Are you getting up for sehri and doing other things around the house for compliments and praise? Or are you doing it cos you actually want to?

Anyway, if your hubby took you out say, twice a week, would that make you feel a bit better? Perhaps you could arrange this with him? And that could be a start. I'm guessing you don't really get to spend much quality time with him, and for this, he should make an exception to his rule of treating everyone the same methinks. Also, I really hope you consider the tutoring thing. You need a distraction.

80

Re: How?

When I wasn't fasting couple weeks back, I would still get up and make sehri for my husband and not only that, I would actually sit and wait till he is finished. I am working full time and everyday after coming home from work, I make iftar/dinner. And yes whining about it doesn't takes you anywhere. He is your husband and it your responsibility to take care of him. If you don't and his mom/sister do, then don't complain you are losing him.

As far as getting up late, those are things that you should at your parents home not really at your in-laws.

As far as him trying to balance the relationships is perfectly fine. I think you are just making a big issue out of it. This renting will not take you anywhere.