How?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

So you guys are familair with whats happened with me lately. In the uk i had lots of friends cousins etc i could talk to here i dont. so im finding myself coming on here now, yes, i know i came on before too, but that was only when my friends/cousins etc were either not neutral to the situation or i didnt feel like telling them either.

anyway, so this may sound trivial.

Since me and hubs are ok again, we talking again, i was going thru morning sickness again few days back, he was there all caring etc. and he still is. BUT i still feel lost and empty. i still feel like hes on his best behaviour rather than this being normal. and i feel like an outsider here, like hes just brought me as extra baggage with him. i dnt feel like he would fight for me if the situation arose. im the one doing all that. ive told him countless times lets go out just me and u like we used to in london, it takes such a long time to persuade to beg for that. why…he did say hel take me shopping, and he said we will go out after eid as hes tired after taraweeh etc ok fair enough, but whenever his sister asks him to do anything or go with hersomewhere, hes off like a shot., he listen to her, if she wants something to eat, hel go without whinging, if i want something to eat, most times he whinges…if she wants to go shopping, he says ok without another word, if i do, hel ummm and aahh over it, give me another date or time, or just say yeh yeh ok without actually istening.

am i makkn a big deal outta nothing, maybe this wouldnt affect me in london, i dono.

how do i get over it, just not think about such stuff, its like im jealous of him caring for his sister, i want him to ONLY be mine, only care and ask about me, when he asks her if she wants the last pakora/sweet/drink i get mad inside, why cant he ask me…

im reading what i wrote and it just sounds pathetic, but what can i do…

i want him to only be there for me, i dnt mind his mum so much, but no one else, not even his sister. it just makes me feel like he cares more for her genuinly.

just found out one of my cousins is treating her husband badly, lieing and not giving a **** what he says, shes always at her mums house and doesnt do no housework refuses to cook etc, yet her husband is devoted, he kisses the ground she walks on…
and my husband…

uffff can someone tell me rather than me running after him and crying at the drop of a hat if he so much as asks his sis if she wants a drink, how can i just not care and make him come to me…the way i feel for him…:stuck_out_tongue:

2

Re: How?

i have read some of your threads and you've got tons of advice from a thousand different people. I can understand your feelings of jealousy...they're natural and present in every girl to an extent where you want your husband/boyfrnd to only look, think and breathe you. You say your husband seems to be "Trying" his best with you while when he shows affection towards his sister it seems more genuine. Well that may be true because one thats his sister (she doesnt fight with him, and since he lived away from her maybe he just feels he needs to show more love towards him). Second, since you guys went through a rough patch maybe he doesnt feel as much genuine affection towards you right now...but you have to understand..when you've had a fight with someone you might still love them but you dont necessarily want to be all nice to them right away.
I think you should go on your best behavior too..dont fight with him...stop asking him to take you out. i know thats difficult but uhm instead of wanting to spend all your time with him give him space and busy yourself with other things...now i understand that might not be easy in pakistan since you're not used to living there...but uhm when you're not doing work around the house...start watching stuff on tv...hell catch up with movies and shows so you're distracted and not bugging him all the time. maybe if you stop paying so much attention to him and being all naggy he'll start coming back to you...and when he does be nice (be on your best behavior). i know its easier to say dont fight with him...but actually dont...like dont even talk back and try to ignore the things he may be saying out of anger or frustrations...he'll himself realize that he's said something offensive if you dont snap back. hope this helps.

3

Re: How?

The way your husband is treating you compared to how he treats his sister is wrong, because it is creating jealousy between the two of you, when none of you two have any reasons to be jealous of each other. The two relationships for him are so different.

Seeing your posts makes me realize why some bhabhies and nands have such twisted and weird relationships!

On the other hand, I think you should try to be more independent. Dont always go after him "take me take me there" .. I know, it is easier said than done, but try it. Let him take you out for once!

4

Re: How?

i dono, i feel my jealousy is wrong and not right at all. i wish i didnt feel this way but i do. apparently he ays his sis always moans and begs him to take her and so he does. he wouldnt agree if he knew how i felt. i have once mentioned it before and he said she also has to ask him ten times to do anything, ive seen it sometimes where she will say it lots of times for him to get up and go but ive also seen him just listen to hr and get up and go. if im upset it doesnt matter, but if she gets upset he has to cheer her up and go get her ice cream.

im going uk end of next month for 6months.....for delivery and so on and im glad. maybe the distance will help me and maybe him. i dnt know. however im sure the problem is only on my side, i dnt think he sees anything like this as a problem.

5

Re: How?

He doesnt take her out, she will ask him for something or whatever and then hel go. its not like hes asking her to go out and them going off leaving me. he usually asks me too go along if shes upset and wants to go for some fresh air....however i jsut feel affection for me is forced while affection for her is real.

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Re: How?

^I honestly dont know what your problem is then. Do you like creating problems and drama because you are bored? I'm not trying to be rude or anything. I am just trying to understand your behavior.

I think you should read your first post and then the two above posts. Contradicting much eh?

7

Re: How?

you mentioned somewhere that he's without a job right now.......
is it possible that because he feels he is not contributing to the finances of the household right now, he's going out of his way to be nice to the folks that are affording shelter and food for his wife and kid?

perhaps he thinks that you two will be together forever and that being so close to him you should be able to feel what he feels.....perhaps he is expecting some compassion from you.

have you considered that maybe your emotions are driven by the hormonal imbalance that a pregnant woman experiences? maybe you are feeling a bit insecure right now due to this and your expectations of him are unreasonably high. under normal circumstances, if his expectations of himself were fulfilled, he would be in a frame of mind to deliver what you expect but right now he can't.

why are you comparing your life to your cousins'.....and if you must then why not look at a cousin that doesn't have it so great?

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Re: How?

O wow! I don't know how you are going through all that. O that's right, you are pregnant. Your husband sounds like a typical Paki man. It sucks to be you right now. You are in a place where you are outnumbered. Unlike everyone else here, I would not advise you to stay there and try to work it out even though you are pregnant. He needs to learn that you are his partner in life not his extra baggage. If you stay there, nothing is going to change except your outlook on life. Either accept things will never change and learn to be happy with what you have or leave the damn country and your husband so you can live YOUR life.

9

Re: How?

sweetmoi- like i said reading back it sounds pathetic. but it feels real. does that make sense. i feel neglected like a little child, its like im just craving all his attention and if he wavers i want to cry. this make me sound like im the one with all the issues but there are times where its easier for him to say no to me, argue with me etc than to her. i dnt know.

10

Re: How?

Let me tell you something. I get jealous too when my hubby is pampered by his mother and my mother isn't there no matter how much I miss her. I think about my parents every minute of the day yet i don't pick up the phone to call my mom because I don't want to break down and tell her how I feel. She will be upset. I feel you and I are jealous for similar reasons.

This is a little something something I am trying. So far I have been very selfish in trying to get my way but it has made me unhappy and hasn't done anything for me. So now instead of feeling SORRY for MYSELF, I feel sorry for others that don't have what I have. I look at it this way now, I am in a position where I can be a tremendous help to his parents yet it's not doing anything for me. So I am happy FOR them and it makes me Happy that I can do something for others. I am putting others before me and so far it's been working! My life is so much easier and i don't argue with my hubby at all. Try it if you have it in you.. :)

Think about how you being there has made him and his family happy. Imagine how his life would be right now without you. Do you know how happy he must be that you are at least there by his side? When I think about my hubby like that, there's nothing else in the world that matters.

I met a girl who was in a miserable situation and in the blink of an eye it changed the way how I look at life now. If you believe you have it good then you will be happy. If you believe you don't, you will never be satisfied.

11

Re: How?

Nadz, how old is your SIL? If she's of the marrying age, then maybe he just wants to treat her nice before she leaves the family.

And to be honest, your just hormonal - I'm sure whenever you stop being hormonal after pregnancy, whenever that is, you will be fine. Oh, and you're going back to the UK, so the distance will do you both good, so you can miss the things you take for granted now.

12

Re: How?

His sister has lived with him her whole life..why do women do that? make such comparisons? they don't even make sense because God made all these different relationships and each one of them is different and love btw them is different too.

How about instead of asking for 'the real' love from him, you give it first? The genuine, real love where you keep patience and give instead of just asking and asking. Then maybe he will genuinely feel like taking you out or genuinely feel like loving you.

Love doesnt just happen, it takes time to build. Years and years of going through ups and downs together and having patience with each other and wanting good for each other.

13

Re: How?

I cANT talk to hubby, he think i complain and whinge all the time anyway, so i wana keep it quiet, but i feel dead inside, like i just want to cry inside, feel very much lost.

14

Re: How?

Hmm .. Breathe! Each time you're feeling this way, take some deep breathes and collect your mind. I can understand it is not easy for you in this condition, but you've to get yourself together. Your behavior is not helping you much.

15

Re: How?

yes she getting married in december.

its hard to just give and give especially when im alone here and i feel lost. but i do anyway, i do try to always be the first person to make amends after a fight or whatever, i do try, harder than him i think.

16

Re: How?

Also your "give me attention" behaviour is what may be getting to him. I am a woman and i like doing things for my family and friends but i back out everytime any one of my friends start acting up because they feel neglected or smtng. Then i dont feel like doing anything for them. Be happy and grateful in your circumstances (a lot of people in the world are worse off) and make the best out of them.

17

Re: How?

Well there you are nadz, what are you worrying for? She's not going to be there for long anyway, then all the attention will be focused on you. Until then..be a little patient.

And stop molly-coddling your husband, you guys seriously need space.

18

Re: How?

Nadz, you seem so frustrated..

19

Re: How?

I've been waiting to ask this question to you, why don't you home tutor? It'd be nice have one or two of young kids coming over to your house to learn English from you for couple of hours a day. Trust me, you'll feel good. I mean don't you have any desire to use your education and feel productive, how un-British of you.

20

Re: How?

nadzz, we could all go on and on about your wrong your husband is but i want to ask you one thing: do you do certain things for him without asking him or him only asking once? Do you provide the same care for him that you expect for your husband? If yes and he still acts this way, then he can insensitive and unfair. If you only expect him to take you out but you dont keep up with his expectations or wishes, then maybe not so much.