How would you see this?

Lifestyle Relationships
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You get a guy’s proposal and your family starts their process of background checks and all. All things told by the guy and family found to be correct. Meanwhile you send him a friend request on Facebook from a different account. He accepted, and the very next day made a video call. You couldn’t take the call so missed it and he called again and then stopped.

Just want to get a perspective on this. What does this say about a guy? does this mean that he’s probably a flirt or someone who enjoys talking to random girls?

Should one go ahead for this guy or does this raise some red flags?

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Re: How would you see this?

Well, he's single right? If he doesn't have a girlfriend, fiance or a wife....then why shouldn't he talk to or flirt with random girls? He hasn't made any commitment to any one woman so he's free to explore all his options. On the flip side, you, as a single woman, are free to explore all your options as well. Nothing is or should stop you right now from talking to OTHER guys to see if they're a good fit for you.

Based on what you wrote, I don't see any red flags at all. Now if there is some type of commitment from the guy, in your case, it would be an official baat pakki/engagment, and the guy did this** AFTER** that....then that would raise red flags in my head.

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Re: How would you see this?

He is single and not committed to anyone. A rishta is not a marriage and does not mean he has any obligations towards you and vice versa.

Also...why are you sending him friend requests from a different account? I think setting someone up is really shady. He is allowed to marry as he chooses and if he finds someone while is NOT committed on Facebook, he can pursue her.

So the question again is...why did you do that?

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Re: How would you see this?

Probably just me but it would raise red flags. You don't know the guy personally so you are going to judge based on whatever little interaction you have had. if a guy is single, he has every right to pursue anyone he wants but it’s how its done. A normal person is not going to video call a person on FB they don't know and just added (None of my single guys friends do it and the ones who I know could be capable of doing it, i would categorize them as flirts). With so many freaks out there (in this tinder age), I would be careful like that. How much time you spend on social media and what you do does show your character somewhat.

I know girls who have created different accounts and added people like that. I wouldn't stress about it too much and if your question is specifically about how his behavior was after, then IMO, I would think twice, but then I am over cautious about everything.

But then someone girls are ok with this behavior. It also depends on what you are looking for and how much you can let go. If it’s a good rishta in every other aspect, maybe try getting to know him more if that’s possible.

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Re: How would you see this?

I do agree that what a person does online can give an glimpse into their character. But if we're going to judge a single guy b/c he accepted a random girl's FB request and video called her....then to keep things fair, we should also pass judgments on a girl who takes the time to create a fake FB account to spy on people....especially when those people haven't done anything to deserve their suspicion.

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Re: How would you see this?

You are judging someone and this is how test begins..may be he also understands this..that somebody is testing him so he jumped into the video call...at first!!

Like it seems awkward to you that he accepts the request and starts video call in the begining so its highly possible when he gets to know that you are testing him in this way..think over how bad one can feel..
There are other way to find somebody's character..at least social media is not supposed to be the medium..
My opinion!

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Re: How would you see this?

The only reason to add him from another a/c is to get an idea about his character. I am not passing judgement on him but yes that does raise the question in my mind that i have posted here. Also, in my opinion creating an Fb account to spy on people is different than creating one to get an idea about the guy you might be spending your life with.

i also agree that being a single guy he is open to explore his options, but the kind of profile that guy has and the kind of family he belongs to, i am certain that he would not be exploring his options for marriage via any social media route. So the assumption that he might have accepted any random girl's friend request so that he could pursue it further for marriage, is out of question.

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Re: How would you see this?

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Re: How would you see this?

**
Right and I get that. But technically speaking...he is still free isn't he? I mean he can still look around, talk to girls and keep his options open without fearing anyone...right?

Its up to you of course...your call entirely. But I would not be okay with marrying someone who tried to set me up or spy on me like this. I would not trust them. **

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Re: How would you see this?

Marriage is a big deal. If you want transparency...you need to first be just as transparent.

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Re: How would you see this?

Agree:) and we can take another day or thread on how it is wrong to stalk and spy people on social media and judge the girl (I am guilty of doing it sometimes too and accept and understand that it is wrong)

But I think her question was specifically on the guy and how his reaction was (Whether it was a fake or real account) and i think both her action and his can be mutally exclusive

  • I haven’t personally gone to the extent of opening an account but I did check aguy on FB who's family was interested and had i known that he would accept request (normal) but also video time with random girls, I wouldn’t really go ahead with it. In arrange setups, its ok to be cautious and to an extend be suspicious (nothing to do with it whether he deserves it or not)
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Re: How would you see this?

Some guys add everyone because they're not concerned about privacy like girls. Some might add people if they think they're someone they might know. I know my husband's office Facebook has the most random people because he's a big reference in his field and all lalo panju people add him to build some PR. Half the time he's added people he met at a seminar once. If the guy has all his family in there then he's less likely to act chichora on it. So a ton of variables involved here. But if the dealbreaker is for a seedha guy who doesn't chat with random girls online then you've got to navigate this carefully. He may just be calling to find out who you are. Message him instead. Also if he has princess Annie and sWeeto inNocence in his friend list with accompanying pics of half naked girls then your sleuthing has given you the answer you needed. Don't make assumptions, get answers.

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Re: How would you see this?

if you had multiple rishtas at the moment and were looking into all of them, and talking to those guys, would that make YOU a flirt who talks to guys? maybe not random because they are technically proposals, but still, a flirt nonetheless because they are multiple?

if your answer is no, then the answer what he is doing is also no.

as another posted commented, he has ZERO obligation to you at the moment because he is in fact, very much single, and whether or not he is weighing his other options, or just talking to girls for whatever reason, is none of your business, as you can do the same with no repercussions.

with that being said - until you have a rishta pakka on both ends with this guy, you don't have any holding over him and what he does.

there are no red flags because he is **not **committed to you so you have no grounds to say anything about that

now, if this rishta does go further into a baat pakki, first thing I would do if I were you, is come clean about adding a new profile etc.. but that's a talk for later

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Re: How would you see this?

Thank you people for your perspective.

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Re: How would you see this?

May be for you its spying but if that's spying then what about people asking for background checks, investigating about guy and his family from neighbors, work place etc., asking it all in confidence? Will that also comes under spying?

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Re: How would you see this?

**seems someone projected their own insecurity on another, in testing them with temptation!

somewhat reminds me of the old saying:

is ghar ko aag lag gaiee gar kay charaagh se**

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Re: How would you see this?

Going to this guy's neighborhood and asking about his character, talking to his friends to find out more about him, even so much as talking to his colleagues to verify his claims about employment are all situations where you'd be telling the parties involved WHY you're doing this and WHO you are. And according to our culture, "investigating" is pretty normal.

Setting up a fake profile and talking to a guy to see if he takes the bait is indeed spying and considered sneaky from the other's perspective. If a guy ever did that to me and I found out, I would never want to see him again. I would never trust him again.

Do you know this guy personally? Have you ever spoken to him? Met up for coffee? Dinner? Developed an emotional attachment? Chatted with him on the phone? Does he know you like him? Has he told you he likes you or wants to marry you?

To him, at this point...you are no one. He is free to do as he wishes...no penalties at all whatsoever.

And one last thing...if during this process you somehow think the above set up revealed a character flaw...then its not a bad thing for either side. If he ever found out you did that before marriage, he would probably be pretty upset and lose trust in you. You would probably spend your days worrying about possible cheating scenarios and hack into his FB account to find some dirt. And it would be better to avoid that type of relationship altogether because trust is everything.

Rest is up to you.

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Re: How would you see this?

The Mod of Relations is right, seems this relationship has gone into salvage mode, and that too is only possible if both parties come clean and apologize!

like they say *to err is human, and to forgive is divine*

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Re: How would you see this?

You might be right on how the guy would see this, i am not sure if i would go ahead with this guy(as there are others factors too that we are considering) or i would go with someone else but i am confused as to how to see or get a glimpse of any guy's character who you don't know really well.
What's the best route to take?

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Re: How would you see this?

You can't.

You simply can't. Marriage is a gamble and a risk. You can do your best to minimize the risk by finding out as much as you can but there is no way to eliminate it completely. This is where your faith comes in.

In our culture, we do not date. When you do not date, you do not have the option of finding out anything concrete about the person's character or personality. You have to rely on what is on paper or what you are told. That's just how it is. You do your best by talking to people and finding out about who they are from their peers.

In my opinion, the best route is to do istikhara and put your faith in Allah.

You have to understand one thing: a set up is not good. As someone who has been through this rishta process a bazillion times, its not good. Setting someone up for failure and then considering that failure a character flaw is not going to give you any information. It will however have you starting from scratch a million times because again...he is not obligated towards you. There is no reason for him to bypass any opportunities right now.