Of course the sister in law is also responsible for helping out when she comes over, especially if shes coming everyday. She may not live there anymore but still did till fairly recently. Either way, she is also the daughter in law of the household equally and it isn't one persons responsibility. This isn't the ops house either, it's her inlaws home and to label the brother and sister as guest for coming over everyday is not fair for op at all. Although I think you seem too nice because they seem to have gotten used to you doing all the work and maybe that was your mistake. You took it all on from the beginning it seems like. I don't think there's anything you can do about your brother/sis in law but you can talk to your husband about helping out with his younger brother. They are also responsible.
And the only thing you can about your MILs comments is ignore them and maybe not over exert yourself, your not a servant. You should do your part but it does not all fall on you unless you put yourself out there that way. Everyone should be sharing in the house work. Unfortunately your always going to hear an earful from the saas, you can't control that unless your husband takes a stand to support you, and I don't mean in a confrontational way but he's the only one that can keep you sane from all the inlaws drama. You should talk to him about this and if these guys are coming over everyday, they are not guests so don't treat them like it. They've lived there before, I'm sure they know their way around. Your sister in law seems pretty smart, if your going to voluntarily take it all on yourself then you can't complain. Set your roles and have your husband and little brother help out to create an environment so not only the other siblings see that they're pretty useless, but don't turn yourself into a servant for them.
Lol she cant survive one day with four dils!!! I caught a couple of episodes of sister wives and the desi in me couldnt digest them sharing the husband so happily. If he was pakistani, the wives would have killed or attempted to kill each othwr with kala jadoo, the kids would be fighting over who has right to how much property and the mil and fil would be buried in the backyard. These women not only tolerated him sleeping with the other, they scheduled their life around the little time he would spend with them. Honestly it was sickenly sweet!!
Of course the sister in law is also responsible for helping out when she comes over, especially if shes coming everyday. She may not live there anymore but still did till fairly recently. Either way, she is also the daughter in law of the household equally and it isn't one persons responsibility. This isn't the ops house either, it's her inlaws home and to label the brother and sister as guest for coming over everyday is not fair for op at all. Although I think you seem to nice because they seem to have gotten used to you doing all the work and maybe that was your mistake. You took it all on from the beginning it seems like. I don't think there's anything you can do about your brother/sis in law but you can talk to your husband about helping out with his younger brother. They are also responsible.
And the only thing you can about your MILs comments is ignore them and maybe not over exert yourself , your not a servant. You should do your part but it does not all fall on you unless you put yourself out there that way. Everyone should be sharing in the house work. Unfortunately your always going to hear an earful from the saas, you can't control that unless your husband takes a stand to support you, and I don't mean in a confrontational way but he's the only one that can keep you sane from all the inlaws drama. You should talk to him about this and if these guys are coming over everyday, they are not guests so don't treat them like it. They've lived thee before, I'm sure they know their way around. Your sister in law seems pretty smart, if your going to voluntarily take it all in yourself then you can't complain. Set your roles and have your husband and little brother help out to create an environment so not only the other siblings see that they're pretty useless, but don't turn yourself into a servant for them.
I always offer to clean up with host when I visit them. Especially if host is family, you SHOULD help in cleaning up! What's more OP's jethani comes over every day. She should be helping out!!! It's manners! OP isn't a servant to her. It is only two more dishes but har roz yeh ho toh insaan thak jaata hai. At least table should be cleaned by jethani...
If I were you , I would politely tell her that "hey can u help me with cleaning the table please, I'm a little tired"
Islamically we should be practicing plenty more and we don't dear. Islamically a man can have four wives. I was not being hyper but thanks for the judgement. If I were you though with clever retorts like ok fine... I would never worry about being judged. Like ever!!!! If only I could digest opinions as gracefully as you. Anywhoos, I did agree with you as well didn't I. Do you not think that if she plays the islamically i dont have to do anything because the jethani doesnt wont create problems? It will. Then she will be accused of using Islam according to her whims and you are absolutely RIGHT that islamically she does not have to live with them or do anything for them. It os their son's right and duty to take care of his parent. As a muslim, she doesn't have to do anything for her inlaws, as a human she should help out where she is living. Insaan ban jao, musalman banna khud hi aa gaye ga- something my abu always says which I sometime need to remind myself.
Yes we dont- and that doesnt mean to ignore "one more thing" only because "to kiya hoa, wese nahin kertay to aik ye bhi sahi" Atleast we should do what we can do and my dear, I have seen those ladies too, who allow their husband to have four marriages.. I appreciate there are some points, you agree with me but I never judged you, thats just what I felt!!
You are so wrong. She doesn't live there, she isn't BOUND to help out. It is as simple as that. When you go to HER house, she won't expect you to get up and help at all even though you are family and as older SIL she has more of a right by pakistani standards to expect such and such from you.
Who are you to judge what she did or did not do in the family? She has a home of her own, she does 100 Percent of the work there to be sure. She doesn't have the luxury (yes I said it) of the MIL doing ANY of the work there. If she is coming over for dinner daily, she is handling breakfast and lunch and cleaning and laundry and shopping and god knows what else alone at her own home. You have help. And your MIL DOES help. I would LOVE for someone else to be responsible for cooking and interested in cleaning and whatnot.
Moving out may have its perks, but has its disadvantages too.
When I come to my inlaws place, my husband relaxes a lot and to be honest, for me it seems like I have come "home" as well. They don't let me lift a finger, they know that I have been dealing with my own issues and life and exclusively handling a home alone for ages. And I am a jethani. It was 2 am just today and I was dead tired after returning from visiting extended family. I asked my younger sil if she would be nice enough to make me tea. She happily did so. I am not expected to wash a spoon at my inlaws, and I never see any resentment for it. When they come to my home, they are treated with a lot of love and respect. They are showered with hospitality and love. They are not expected to get up and wash anything either. BUT , since and ONLY since I am elder, the younger SIL WILL come and give me company if I am cleaning up and will help me clean/clear tables if need be without my asking.
Sometimes, if we fix an attitude, people naturally gravitate towards us for our company. So if we are washing dishes in kitchen, they come in to talk with us while we work. Cos they like spending time with us. And while they spend time with us, they help out too without asking.
You attract more bees with honey than with vinegar.
She can eat dinner at her in-laws every day of the week, but she can't clean up because she is a guest?! Awesome.
Miea - if she hasnt helped out so far, she isn't going to. You can ask her politely next time she comes over to help you finish cleaning up but that is all you can do. Just make sure to return the favor when you go to her house.
Some people's attitudes are amazing. When you go to someone's house as a guest, you are not supposed to treat the house as a restaurant and the hosts as waiting staff.
She can eat dinner at her in-laws every day of the week, but she can't clean up because she is a guest?! Awesome.**
Miea - if she hasnt helped out so far, she isn't going to. You can ask her politely next time she comes over to help you finish cleaning up but that is all you can do. Just make sure to return the favor when you go to her house.
Some people's attitudes are amazing. When you go to someone's house as a guest, you are not supposed to treat the house as a restaurant and the hosts as waiting staff.
Sometimes when we go to our own parents' home, we have the luxury to relax there too. For some, inlaw relations are nice enough that they aren't expected to work when there, but expected to relax and take a load off. It's weird that MIL has no issues but SIL does.
As for someone's house as a guest, you do not offer to get into the kitchen of every home you go to. You have to watch yourself and the situation.
As jethani I am sure she spent more time logically in family than the devrani (considering that elder siblings marry before younger ones in general). Tomorrow if she began helping, devrani would have new issues: "My jethani moved out but she still treats my home as hers. I LIVE here NOT her. So it is MY home! How dare she do things her way as if she's in her own house?"
And it is NOT the jethani coming over for dinner everyday. It is the ELDER son of the house. She is tagging along.
That is the thing, it is not the devranis house. It is the mil house and if they can eat there everyday and they can surely help out and they are def not a guest. Living alone may have advantages and disadvantages but so does living with the inlaws and not helping out in my book really is not excusable. Personally I cannot sit if my mil or devrani are working, I would be there with them working and getting the work done fast. If I was going to my ami's house, again I would help out.
Call it petty or anything else but I would have an issue too. I guess my position is similar to the Op's so I see her point.
Sometimes when we go to our own parents' home, we have the luxury to relax there too. For some, inlaw relations are nice enough that they aren't expected to work when there, but expected to relax and take a load off. It's weird that MIL has no issues but SIL does.
As for someone's house as a guest, you do not offer to get into the kitchen of every home you go to. You have to watch yourself and the situation.
As jethani I am sure she spent more time logically in family than the devrani (considering that elder siblings marry before younger ones in general). Tomorrow if she began helping, devrani would have new issues: "My jethani moved out but she still treats my home as hers. I LIVE here NOT her. So it is MY home! How dare she do things her way as if she's in her own house?"
And it is NOT the jethani coming over for dinner everyday. It is the ELDER son of the house. She is tagging along.
Your post is full of way too many assumptions and therefore, does not apply to the situationa at hand.
Be it your parents house or inlaws place, no one should put their legs up and relax on others' expense, that too every single day. I would not like my sister to provide me with excellent waitering service while she's clearly ill nor I'd expect my sister in law to do the same.
She's your jethani, she's the wife of elder son etc etc, err don't let yourself be used and abused over this stupid status qou crap that some Pakistanis love to glorify. Its dangerous and keep yourself away from all that.
