how to deal with Saas and Jithani.

Lifestyle Relationships
1

firstly, I feel very bad and guilty of posting my private issuss on a public forum, but I don’t know where else to get my frustration out. I don’t want to talk to my mom about this because she’ll get really upset and she lives far away so she’ll just feel helpless and very worried for me.

I live with my parents in law, my husband’s older brother and his wife just moved out (about a month ago). We will eventually move out too, but it might take years.

let me just tell you about my everyday life first:
I wake up around 7 every morning, I make breakfast and lunch for my husband and my younger brother-in-law. (I don’t mind this at all, because he’s a really nice person and since I am already making it for my husband and might as well make it for him)
Then when my husband leaves for work me and my saas have breakfast together. (I sometimes make her breakfast as well) After breakfast I empty the dishwasher, clean up the kitchen, broom the floor (clean it properly every other day) and take out the trash. Twice a week I have to cook so I do that too. None of this bothers me, since I am sitting at home doing nothing so I might as well make myself useful. (I’ve applied for my immigration, and once that come I will start working, InshAllah, at the moment I am doing some online courses to keep myself busy)

The only thing that’s been bothering me is that when my older brother-in-law and his wife come over for dinner, she never helps me clean up the kitchen afterwards. One of my other choors is to clean up after dinner (put the dishes in the dishwasher, put the food in the fridge, wash the dishes that doesn’t fit into the dishwasher, clean the table and counter table)
I wouldn’t mind this, it’s just that they I wouldn’t mind this, but they come over everyday! she just sits there and watch me. it obviously bothered me a little, but i tried ignoring it and just talk to my husband every now and then about it.. Since I’ve never lived in Pakistan I know people here don’t have servants and we have to do it ourselves. It bothered my husband a lot that she doesn’t do anything.

I’ve learned she’s pretty shameless, because she doesn’t really help my MIL either, but yesterday was really bad, I had hurt my hand pretty badly and on top of that I was feeling really sick. I didn’t even eat dinner, I just sat with the family and had a cup of tea. Once my borther-in-law and his wife were done they just got up and left. I cleaned the kitchen and when I finally got to my room and was about to pass out, my husband was soo angry at them and my mother-in-law for not doing anything, he finally went to talk to my mother-in-law.

My mother-in-law thinks that fighting with them over some plates isn’t really worth it. She also thinks that she does 80% of the housework anyway, so me or my husband shouldn’t really complain. I felt really hurt by hearing this. I mean all you girls out there, you know we didn’t do that much when we lived with our parents. I’m really trying here.

the reason I’m writing here is because I need advice on how to make sure that my sister-in-law also helps me with the dishes, but I don’t want there to be a fight or bad feeling over this. But I also don’t want it to keep going like this because it does make me feel pretty bad and frustrated. I also need advice on how to ignore this your MIL says, because the comment about her doing everything really hurt my feelings.

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They are guests.... It's your home. They don't havta help u clean up at all. It would be nice ofher to... She IS a part.of.the family.... But honestly... It boils down to the fact that just cuz they are.visiting..it gives them a guest status and so.... You are on your own hun :)

If she didn't help her mil out to begin with.... What makes u think she will help u?

I wouldnt talk bout it unless I was hurt.... Then I would ask for a lil bit of.help... But nothing concrete man.

3

Re: how to deal with Saas and Jithani.

How do you “make sure” she’ll help out? I don’t think you can do that, however you can try by…maybe asking her if she can help out…by maybe joking around “oh today I’m feeling unwell, so maybe you can take over for me with the chore” (followed by a chuckle)…and see if she gets the hint…or just to see how she reacts. Maybe compliment her when she does a good job to encourage her.

You can try the above options…but honestly…things like confronting her, or telling her that she should help you, or even something like getting your husband to talk to her husband can backfire.

Now that the matter is brought to MIL’s attention…who knows?..maybe at some point she might venture a not-so-subtle hint or perhaps even a sweet jab at the older bahu.

Or as Khatoon above said…maybe MIL and your sister-in-law and her husband believe that they have “guest” status. And if that’s the case, they’ll be pissed off.

Take it easy, Miea. If you end up pissing people off…then nobody is going to appreciate your efforts…they might even begrudge them.

Besides…since your MIL wholeheartedly believes that she does 80% of the work anyway, why don’t you just chill and do just 20% of the work from time to time. :wink:

4

Re: how to deal with Saas and Jithani.

Do you visit her house? Do you help her with her chores?

5

Re: how to deal with Saas and Jithani.

Crappy situation. Maybe get your husband to help out as he seems to be the only person who cares at this point. I doubt the other two will really pitch in.

6

Re: how to deal with Saas and Jithani.

I think u should ask her yourself to help u in a kitchen, by just saying bhabhi can u quicky clean the table, while I wash dishes, or u wash dishes and she dries them, they are not guest, they are family and specially when they come every single day, She had been living in that house even before you. If she's shameless enough to come daily and just sit there as a guest then u should have some guts to ask her to help u. simple! winging and nagging won't help the situation.

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how to deal with Saas and Jithani.

Well theres no point crying about it, if you haven't asked her. Next time just maybe ask her into the kitchen and tell her if she can load the dishwasher, whilst you clear up here. She might refuse or make an excuse, but dont let that put you off. Ask the next.. And the next...and if she still hasnt got the message, have a word with her, that it would be nice if she could help out in the evening.

But the easier way would be to simply get your husband to speak to his bro about it!!

8

Re: how to deal with Saas and Jithani.

I wouldn't do that, may cause resentment.

What about your younger brother in law for whom you make breakfast/lunch? Is he of dishwashing age?

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Re: how to deal with Saas and Jithani.

I seriously dont find it wrong. The family has shifted and its no more her house. If she helps you....its so great of her....if she doesnt.... its not her duty. Also..when u visit her....its not your duty but if u help her it will be nice of you. Secondly if u do help her at her place...its still your choice.... you cant expect from her to do the same...unless its she who asks you to help her. Remember..... these relations are always like this...u can never expect from them. Learn it!

10

Re: how to deal with Saas and Jithani.

How about serving them (just the 2) in disposable plates glasses cutlery. And tossing the dirty stuff in the bin. If she complains, just say that, you cut on doing extra dishes since they are around so much. Best time to use this idea is on a day MIL isn't around. That way you get the message across subtely

a lot of really well off families in the US use disposable plates etc during dinners/ Iftar parties/picnics so the family isn't stuck doing endless dishes of guests.

11

Re: how to deal with Saas and Jithani.

Leave it. You are only going to make things harder for yourself.

Do as much or as little as you are comfortable with, but don't compare yourself over these small things with others. It is only these comparisons that are upsetting you in what is otherwise a happy situation. Be happy about it and do what you can to cultivate a good, easy-going relationship.

12

Re: how to deal with Saas and Jithani.

Feel sorry for you. You are very nice in doing your duties. keep on doing that.
if i were in your place i would say ask ur hubby to step in and help you after they have eaten.. coz he is the only one who cares..
this might just awake the ettiquetes in them.. try!

may be thodi bahot sharmindagi hokar she might join you. that her devar is doing work and she is just sitting. or your mil might ask her to join you. how thick skinned ppl are..!

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Re: how to deal with Saas and Jithani.

and if then if she doesnt join you. ask her very sweetly.. bhabi can you please help me in doing this.. in doing that. thank you very sweet of you.. bla bla bla

there is a saying in urdu.. ek din ka mehman, dusre din - shaitaan, teesre din- haiwan! lol just for fun its said thou

14

Re: how to deal with Saas and Jithani.

I wouldn't create an issue over something like this. I mean it's just one meal and 2 extra dishes to be washed. It's your house, they're the guests... even if they visit everyday. Your MIL is very right. There's no use fighting over a few dishes.

And what the MIL said, you yourself said you cook just 2 days a week (and all the work you do in the kitchen in the mornings)... So if you look at cooking she is right. :/

15

Re: how to deal with Saas and Jithani.

Hmm, that’s an idea. :hmmm: Try it, Miea. It might work. If it doesn’t…then …err…well…it’s kinda funny, LOL…that a person can be that immune and thick. :hehe:

16

Re: how to deal with Saas and Jithani.

Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't clean up at someone else's house?

(then again I wouldn't be visiting every single day....and if I did I would try to help out).

17

Re: how to deal with Saas and Jithani.

LOL!
aww sorry I don't mean to laugh at you but this is such a non-issue (IMHO) you've posted.
as everyone else has said, guests are not required to help out, even if they visit daily. Their lack of offers to help does makes them rude and manner-less but its really not your place to teach grown ups basic manners.
your other point regarding hurt at MIL's comments. Well. lets be honest, the amount of work you do take on doesn't constitute more then 20-30% right? :D
its good that you are trying ... keep it up because eventually, when you do move out you shall be doing anywhere from 50 - 100% of the work (depending on how involved your husband is) :D

18

Re: how to deal with Saas and Jithani.

like queen said.

polite way would be, go to their house and eat like a pig then say " oh let me help you with dishes and cleaning"

Don’t listen to “ma moli” ever!!

if you did you would opening more thread with inlaw issues :omg:

maybe you should listen to her. :smiley:

19

Re: how to deal with Saas and Jithani.

IMHO, I think the fact that she got the chance to move out and live in her own house is whats bothering you. "Why her and not me".....

Otherwise your complain is not realistic. Do you feel as bad when you do cleaning after other guests? I think not. As many others commented that it is your house and they are guests, its your responsibility not theirs.

We have big family and numerous friends, almost every week, we have some gathering at our place. Most of the time guest just leave and my wife and I end up doing the cleaning and dishes till late...

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Re: how to deal with Saas and Jithani.

I can see why it might bother OP. How is the SIL a guest if she and her hubby come over EVERYDAY for dinner? They just recently moved out...and they come over everyday, so they obviously don;t cook dinner for themselves. They expect dinner at OPs place and then also don;t contribute in cleaning. I dunno, my SIL always helps my MIL with chores even though she lives separately. I know I'll do the same whenever I'm there. Not even just at my in-laws...I'd help if I was at a good friend's house too.

OP - I don't think complaining will help. Just lightly ask her to help out next time. If you're doing the dishes, just ask her to help you clean the table or something.