Teach me what to say so I don’t have to spend time with the in-laws when they come over to live with us for the summer, but so that it doesn’t sound bad.
One line I’ve thought of saying when MIL asks me to come and sit with her is: nai nai, main kion aap ko tang karun? Aap aram kerain main apna kaam kerti hun…
Any other ideas?
I realise people may want to know why I am posting this. Simply because I am completely different to my in-laws (they are Pak, I am BBCD) and we’re on a completely different wavelength. I don’t mind sitting and talking to them for short periods, but I can’t handle much cus I don’t know what to talk about, it gets really awkward and uncomfortable for me, and I always feel like I’m putting on this ‘bahu show’ for them - I can’t be myself. So my solution is to spend short bursts of time with them, and the rest of the time just try to stay out of their way so I don’t get annoyed. I don’t want them to know that I find it difficult spending time with them as that will hurt their feelings, but at the same time I really can’t sit there and just do ‘gupshup’ - sorry, but I can’t. I don’t know how to do it for long periods of time.
How many excuses do you want?? Sooner or later your in-laws are going to suss you out. I think you should try to deal with this matter head-on and quit running away from it.
So instead of running away, maybe you could try to learn about the sort of topics that interests your MIL and then talk about them. Or maybe go out somewhere to a place where she hasn't been before. I'm sure other members will have better suggestions, but for the moment that's all I have.
^^^ that's just the point. I know the kinds of things she likes talking about; I know how to talk to her; how to spend time with her and keep the conversation going. The problem is that it annoys me, because in order to engage with her, I have to not be myself. I have to put on a show, a Pakistani version of me, which I can only do for short periods of time before it irritates me and I just want to be myself again.
And before you say, why don't you be yourself around her - I've tried that. She doesn't get it. She doesn't get the way I talk, she doesn't understand English (which I am 1 million per cent more comfortable speaking in) she doesn't get the kinds of topics I talk about. She only knows how to be Pakistani, so I have to be Pakistani around her.
Does that make sense? Can anyone else relate to this? Can anyone help me pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee??????
I don't think there is anything wrong in spending short bursts of time with the in laws, after all it gives a breathing space to both the parties.
From what I know, don't older people just say that as the said thing? It could be that her in laws welcome the little breaks in between.
^^^ that's just the point. I know the kinds of things she likes talking about; I know how to talk to her; how to spend time with her and keep the conversation going. The problem is that it annoys me, because in order to engage with her, I have to not be myself. I have to put on a show, a Pakistani version of me, which I can only do for short periods of time before it irritates me and I just want to be myself again.
And before you say, why don't you be yourself around her - I've tried that. She doesn't get it. She doesn't get the way I talk, she doesn't understand English (which I am 1 million per cent more comfortable speaking in) she doesn't get the kinds of topics I talk about. She only knows how to be Pakistani, so I have to be Pakistani around her.
Does that make sense? Can anyone else relate to this? Can anyone help me pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee??????
They're probably thinking something similar.... how to avoid spending time with you
But no, what a lame excuse. You are just a BBCD, you are not from outer space that you are so different from your inlaws from Pakistan.
You have to deal with all kind of people everyday, wether it be friends, colleagues or whoever. I am sure you are not on the same wavelenght with everyone else aswell.
Your in-laws will only be there for the summer, so try to spend time with them. It really isnt difficult to keep a conversation going. That is, if you try to do that. Even if the other person has different interests.
They are not just random people, but family.
So first step, don’t see yourself different than them. BBCD ka kaprha utaar do and you will be one step closer to the right direction.
The thing is I find it hard, because I don’t think of it as two months, I think of it as Day 1, Monday, 8am…9am…10am…11am…
That’s how the time goes with them. I’ve spent time with them before and I found it extremely hard. I could talk to them for a little while, like over dinner or if we go out somewhere. But thing is that after dinner, it’s like 8pm… and I have like 3 more hours alone with them - what do I do? How do I spend time? 24 hours, for 2 months? How do I do it???
Another thing I didn’t add was that hubby won’t be with me most of the time as he goes away each week for work, so I’ll be at home with his parents all week and he’s only with me on the weekends.
no don't have a job, but I do things throughout the day to keep myself busy - like go gym or invite friends over, or go to their houses. I'm thinking of doing that during the day, so that's fine. But what else can I do to avoid too much time with them?
The 'sacrafises' that you have to make for them are literally nothing. From your posts it gets clear that they are not asking much from you.
Be a good host for them. Take them out, watch programmes together, do things together.
When your inlaws are gone, you can pick up your normal routine back again.
We adjust for randomers all the time, so nothing wrong with doing that bit for family aswell.
I will try. I'm really worried, cus I found it incredibly hard last time, and that was only for 4 weeks, this time it's longer, and hubby won't be here either.
no don't have a job, but I do things throughout the day to keep myself busy - like go gym or invite friends over, or go to their houses. I'm thinking of doing that during the day, so that's fine. But what else can I do to avoid too much time with them?
Well, if you're not going to spend any time with the in-laws, you might as well do something that's actually useful and contributes to your household. Your husband is away during the week so it's not like taking care of him takes up too much of your time.
Get a full-time job so you have a very valid reason to be outside the for at least 8 hours every day. This way you're also earning extra money. After you leave the office, then go the gym in the evening....this should take at least 1-1.5 hours. When you get home, take a shower/get freshened up (anotehr 20-30 minutes alone time). After that, keep yourself busy with housechores that need to be done...which you can't do in the morning b/c you're going to work. This gives you a good excuse not to sit down and watch GEO. And of course, in between all this....pretend you have a terrible headache and need to lie down, pretend you're VERY exhausted from working all day and need to go to bed early, go see your friends at times in the evenings etc.
And if you still have too much time left after doing all the above....then take an evening or online course on a subject that interests you. That way you have the class and studying for that class as a great excuse to be by yourself at home.
But who knows.....if/when you actually give the situatio a chance and get to your MIL a bit more....perhaps in a strange way you might actually enjoy it.
I'd think that the husband might be a bit offended if the wife decided to get a full time job just when the parents are going to be in town.
To the OP,
Honestly? You can't think of anything that you might want to do with the in-laws?
You can take them out to visit places. You can take them out shopping. You can introduce them to other people of similar age and background in the neighbourhood. Perhaps have some local aunties come over and visit? Invite them for tea to introduce your MIL?
When there is a cultural and language barrier things can prove difficult but the onus really is on you to bridge these gaps.
Yes but IMO it all depends on how she presents the idea to her hubby and how soon she gets the job. She said they’re coming for summer so I made an assumption they’d be here end of May/June ish. Which still gives her well over a month. Even if not the job, she can also take up some course or classes. A husband has to be a real jerk to get offended at his wife wanting to further her education.
And I know OP isn’t asking advice on this but I think she should get a job and keep it so this doesn’t become an issue every year. She doesn’t go to school, doesn’t have kids, and her husband is away during the week. If she wants excuses to get away from the in-laws, then she might as well do something that contributes to their financial stability.
Based on what OP has written so far, I would be surprised if she knows any local desi aunties who would get alone with her MIL. However,……what if the aunties come over…and then the MIL gets a new expectation that her lovely DIL (ie. OP) should spend time and help her entertain her new friends?!
…what if the aunties come over…and then the MIL gets a new expectation that her lovely DIL (ie. OP) should spend time and help her entertain her new friends?! 