my inlaws are just the same, but my finace strongly opposes the idea of getting stuff for my self, even if i tell him i want to have an ivory lamp for my bedroom and a black and white theme, he just wont appreciate the thought of my parents buying my so much stuff.
(mA)
I wish my fiance would have said the same... its nice you have such a gud understanding with him. It just takes the burden off the mind that they aren't expecting anything from the bride and we can take watever we like instead of worrying about pleasing & meeting their expectations. It also assures that he will standby you if & when someone brings this subject in the inlaws. That kind of security is essential... of which I am deprived :(
I wish my fiance would have said the same... its nice you have such a gud understanding with him. It just takes the burden off the mind that they aren't expecting anything from the bride and we can take watever we like instead of worrying about pleasing & meeting their expectations. It also assures that he will standby you if & when someone brings this subject in the inlaws. That kind of security is essential... of which I am deprived :(
awww.... dont worry sweetie. everything will be just fine insha'ALLAH.
aur waisay bhi, bivi to yaar sab ko pyari hoti hai. its just how you handle things for yourself and make everything easier :)
sab theek ho jata hai.
and one thing, jis ne khush hona hai, us ko kuch bhi nhi chahiyye, aur jis ne nahi hona ... us k liye 10truck bhi kam hai.
so dont sress, just relax :)
Thanks for so many replies and I was searching at GS if there was a topic on Jahaiz but was shocked to find no one discussed such a major issue. Spiral I would only have a room to myself not even my own kitchen forget the whole floor. It would be like the way we live with our parents, kids in their bedrooms, parents in the master bed and the big kitchen lounge etc all downstairs, they have this house built only a yr ago and furnished it all.... so tell me what is practical to take there?
Also as teelobhain asked I dont know wat to think... My Inlaws did not say NO to dowry but did not demand anything either... plus they said we dont have much storage... but whenever I tell my fiance that do you think i shud buy this? or that? he never says 'NO dont,No need!' he just says 'daikh lo, If u wish to or that would be nice'.... that confuses me
That just means the guy must be hearing from his mother that you do at least take something with you...but not necessarily a truck load of stuff i guess...
I HATE the concept of jahez, I mean which guy is comfortable in knowing the fact that the bed he sleeps on, the plates he eats in, the tv he watches is all paid by his FIL. What kind of a man is that? Isn't it the husbands responsibility to provide all of this for his OWN house.
My sister recently got married and all we gave her was gold bangles and a few very small household things. Such as one semi fancy bed sheet set, one dinner set, some very little kitchen things. Only because her husband lived with room mates so didn't own much and just before shaadi spent a ton of money (Allhamdulillah) furnishing the whole apartment from top to bottom, like everything and was oblivious of some little kitchen items needed. Of course she bought her self some clothes and makeup etc but every daughter deserves a little gift on her wedding form her parents.
As far as the question from OP i think she should speak to her husband to be and figure it out.
I just got to know that I am getting married in two months thts even in Pakistan (already nikkahfied but had no plans for wedding till next 5 months)...
I havent thought of any single thing not even a bed sheet to take with me. Lol I know its weird. Im in a situation where I live in my uncle's house and my relations with him are not on good terms anymore. Not having parents is not good ofcourse. But Thank God that my hubs understands everything. So Im trying my best to not to let my uncle spend any single thing on my wedding :)
My other uncle will be going to pakistan with me. He had loved me like my dad when my dad passed away. But still I dunt want him to spend a big amount on y wedding at all. (They already spent a huge amount on my Nikkah in Pakistan).....I have had ego problems with my bad uncle now and i am like I wont get a single penny from him on my wedding. But my good uncle is like you better keep ur mouth shut during the wedding and let me do my stuff. What I know is I ll be getting neccessary stuff like my room furniture etc. So i can have sense of my own personal space :D. My hubs still dont want tht but what can i do :D (didnt think tht i ll get married in rush and without preparation)..... I have such little time and all im caring about my skin right now. I got those three huge red bumps on my face due to stress during last two months... so I wont mind not caring about jahez right now :P
So I actually brought it up with my fiance tonight. Still havn’t gotten around talking to my mamma about it.
He didn’t know much about it so I explained to him what I have learned thanks to you luvely ladies. His reaction??? He thinks the whole practice of “Jahaiz” is “jaahil”. His words..not mine. I was like …yea but what about if your parents expect it?? And he was like that is not even the issue because he isn’t going to accept any household items from my parents. Whether it be bedroom linens or the entire bedroom furniture set. He told me that his parents are just going to have to understand and respect his wishes and where they are coming from. He is working hard right now so that he can provide for us. He takes a huge pride in this. We are both really looking forward to setting up our place inshAllah once we get married. From picking out furniture to picking out dinner sets…he wants us to do it together and have it be completely our choice. Sure…it might take a little bit longer for us to accumulate all these things… but he said that thats a part of starting a new life together.
He was like yea sure…if your parents want to give you a couple outfits and like a blender for a gift… who am I to stop them. lol. But he thinks its taking it to a whole other level if its anything more than this.
I feel so much better about this issue… i mean… i think its ridiculous how much a girl’s parents are expected to fork over in regards to a shaadi in general. I feel guilty about this as it is…especially since I know they have already spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on my education . It’s too much man. A girl’s parents should not have to go through this much financial burden and stress. I hope inshAllah that other peoples mentalities start changing in regards to this tradition. I agree with the above poster… it is the husbands responsibility to provide for his wife. Or atleast the in-laws… i mean.. the girl is leaving HER family to become a part of THEIR family right!!! Her new family should take care of her. I understand completely if a girl is moving overseas and desires to bring some things of comfort with her that she knows can’t be bought where she is moving. But now a days… even this argument is hard to make since internet has made things so easy to ship and globalization in general has made things available everywhere. So I dunno
But those of you where this tradition is going strong in your families… it is best to talk to your hubby and scope out the situation. See what is best and most needed for you to bring. And try to keep it as minimalist as possible???
Aweee best of luck with you with your preps Cherry! You r so cute… your last sentence about your skin made me laugh. haha.
InshAllah everything will work out in regards to your shaadi and atleast you have your good uncle who will most definitely look out for you. Forget the uncle you are on bad terms with. Don’t let that situation stress you out too much. Focus on the good stuff and all the stuff you have control over. You have an understanding hubby and thats all that matters
i don’t agree with the whole jahez thing either but atleast we don’t have it as bad as girls in india. their situation is much worse. brides have actually been set on fire and killed as a result of her family not being able to give the full jahez after marriage.
a sikh couple recently moved into a house down our street and mum invited the lady over for a cup of tea and some snacks. it turns out that her and her husband have been working here on work permits for like 3 years. she then went on to tell me that they scrape together every penny they earn for their kids education and daughter’s future wedding. she told me she was thankful she only had one daughter otherwise they would never be able to afford the jahez for more daughters. apparently guys and their families refuse to consider a rishta unless they are atleast offered a car as part of the dowry. her exact words were that nobody will consider it unless u give a car.
I dont know if this is called Jahez too but dont forget...the crap u gotta give in laws..sona and clothes and stuff..from the direct in laws down to the jethanis sisters nands phuppi ki beti.
^yeah, good point. That is very unnecessary. Giving gifts that are reasonably affordable is one thing...like soemthing you'd give someone at Eid. But should MIL's expect Karas and sets??? My MIL would never give my mom a set...why should it be the other way around? I think this crap needs to be abolished as it is a huge burden on the girl's family.
My mom gave my mil, my husband's nani and dadi gold sets on my Nikkah.
Oh.My.God.
We had a world war three in the house when I found out but she was like, it's a happy occasion, exchanging presents increases love, how would it look if I had just put a suit in a gift bag and given it to her? I told her, to increase love, you don't need to increase the bill for the gifts! I mean seriously, wth, along with all of that, my mom sent seperate boxes for EACH of his family members filled with stuff, and gifts to all their friends and family who attended the wedding. Not like my inlaws asked for any of that but I had the biggest problem with my mom repeating this stupid tradition of her family's, which I will also be expected to do in the future and Im so not doing any of that crap. I'll put all that amount in an envelope, hand it to my kids and tell them to enjoy.
^ If i'm going off topic yall can split the topic, but after hte wedding...do in laws STILL expect gold and gifts and stuff? or is it just a one-time thing?
This incident happened right in front of me. I know this girl who got married. She gave her in-laws clothes and gifts, as was the custom. Months later, she was having her baby-shower and her mother-in-law gave her those exact same clothes *back *as a gift.
I know of another girl, whose parents gave alot of gold and clothes at the wedding. Later, that girls' nand was getting married, and she told me that this happened right in front of her at the wedding, the Mother in law gave that same gold to her daughters in-laws.
My inlaws never asked or demanded anything, they are well off and civilized people, and if they weren’t and demanded stuff, my husband would have set them straight. Seeing how utterly grateful they were to my family for everything they got was nice but still, I wasn’t happy.
It’s a tradition in my mom’s family to give gold to the inlaws. My mom’s relatives were the ones pressuring her to give gifts to all the baraatis. The night after our nikkah, she spent 4 hours sorting and packing gifts for like 40 people AND KIDS, it was ridiculous. I wish I had put my foot down like I did this time.
I don’t want this to become some sort of expectation that since my parents did all this, I have to do it too. I don’t want any comparisons or a sword dangling over my head that I have to live upto this stupid family tradition. I have the perfect excuse though, Im married to a memon, I can be as cheap as I want
^ I agree with your mom- exchanging presents increases love. Unfortuantely, in our culture, it's not an excgnage. Gift giving is one-way.
Yes, it absolutely is one way. My mom's statement of oh, how would it look if I just packed up a suit in a gift, well that's exactly what they gave her at the wedding. Not like it makes a difference to my mother, she wasn't expecting anything but it did matter to me.
^ If i'm going off topic yall can split the topic, but after hte wedding...do in laws STILL expect gold and gifts and stuff? or is it just a one-time thing?
I don't think mine do but if they were, they can expect whatever they want and all they want, they ain't getting anything.
well What i dont understand is when ppl justify jahaiz with saying…well we love our daughter…or by saying well if we can afford it why not.
Why dont ppl understand…they are setting the standards for these things. and Now the father who can’t afford a car for jahaiz…does he not love his daughter??? he does but just dont have the money to show it. :no:
My In laws haven’t asked for anything (other thn the gifts–i complained abt this in another thread)…which is great. They are very religious ppl and say they dont need any jahaiz. Great!!! BUT they plan to give their three daughter full jahaiz. My fiance being the only son, has been told my his father, that he will have to give each of his three sister a car at the wedding…wth…even though their rishta isn’t fixed yet…my fiance has bought $600 watches for the groom to be…as an extra gift.
I think all of this is wrong!..yeah they aren’t asking for it, but they are giving it and promoting it. :no:
i think will have a talk with my FIL once i see him next time.
But he thinks its taking it to a whole other level if its anything more than this.
. It’s too much man. A girl’s parents should not have to go through this much financial burden and stress. I hope inshAllah that other peoples mentalities start changing in regards to this tradition. I agree with the above poster… it is the husbands responsibility to provide for his wife. Or atleast the in-laws… i mean.. the girl is leaving HER family to become a part of THEIR family right!!! Her new family should take care of her. I understand completely if a girl is moving overseas and desires to bring some things of comfort with her that she knows can’t be bought where she is moving. But now a days… even this argument is hard to make since internet has made things so easy to ship and globalization in general has made things available everywhere. So I dunno 
You r so cute… your last sentence about your skin made me laugh. haha.
