My question is do the boy's family usually expect Jahaiz even if u and the guy are planning on living separately???
Unfortunately, a lot of families do...it really depends on how sweet your in laws are. alhumdulillah, even though my husband and I had our own house to furnish, my in laws didnt demand a thing from my parents (but like someone said earlier, its not like my parents listened, they still gave me some things).
But, on the other hand, my friend also married and lived with her husband separately...her in laws demanded furniture for their son's room in Pakistan (even though they would be living in the US) and when they visited their house in the US, comments were later made along the lines of "iss ki ammi ne to blender tak nahin diya" etc etc.
If in laws care about what the girl is bringing despite them living separately, its because they are protective of their son's earnings even after he's married and they dont want their son to spend all of his hard earned money on furnishing the house when the girl's parents can do it (stupid, i know).
shouldn't it be reveresed? i think just logically thinking...if they couple will be living separatey then ok i can see how there might be a need to help the couple get their household furnished...but if they are living with family/parents, then wouldn't that household already be furnished?....do you see what i'm trying to say?
the part that is wrong and harmful is the "expectation"
But if the parents want to give something to their daughter then i can see it being practical for them to help out with getting her household furnished if she and her husband will be living alone, because then they wont have all the things yet....but like in my brother in law's case, for about a year him and his wife will be living with us, there is no need for her parents to buy her anything for our household, because we have everything...
i think if it was my daughter, i would rather give her the money to help her when her and her husband are ready to buy their own house, it can help out with down payment of the house , or they could invest it, etc. ... just tryng to be a little more practical in giving a gift which will be much more hepful and useful....what do you guys think, doesn't it make more sense???
i hope you are joking by saying this, that is not the attitude you should be taking with you especially if you are going into a joint family because i fyou are living with family...then act as a family....
half joking, half serious. why should i bring things that they should already have (dishes etc) for other people to use? i'm not a cash cow or walking gift-trolley.
A relative was getting married and moving to Saudi with her husband. Her inlaws live in Karachi though (mil, devars, jeth, joint family basically), and her mother in law demanded for the girl's family to furnish her 'new room' in the susraal which was pretty much a small kamra they gave her on the rooftop/chatt, and threw the old furniture out of there. The saas was all like, she will stay there when she visits from Saudi so you guys have to give her furniture, TV, everything for it. Her family did it without any issues but the disgusting part was that as soon as she left for Saudi, her room got taken over by her devar, jeth, guests.. basically, anyone just went and stayed there whenever they wished, and still do. She could have used that money to spend on something much better.
shouldn't it be reveresed? i think just logically thinking...if they couple will be living separatey then ok i can see how there might be a need to help the couple get their household furnished...but if they are living with family/parents, then wouldn't that household already be furnished?....do you see what i'm trying to say?
the part that is wrong and harmful is the "expectation"
agreed....but what I meant is that whether the girl is living in a joint family system or alone with the guy, some in-laws have an expectation that the girl's family should give things and the girl's family sometimes gives things whether the guy's family demands it or not because they dont want them to say later on that there was no jehez. Even if they are living alone, in-laws shouldnt interfere...people who want things justify it any way they want.
Thank you very much fasaadi for enlightening me on this topic. I honestly did not know much about it.. but it is good that I am well aware now. Almost everyone in my khandaan married people in the khandaan… and there was no leynaa deynaa at all. I am the first to marry outside of the family. I am going to be living separately with my fiance inshAllah but I dont know yet if my inlaws will be the type to ask or not ask.
How does this topic of jahez be brought up? Like when do inlaws make demands if they are the type to do so? Like right before the shaadi??? Afterwards??? On top of throwing a wedding … it seems so unfair that the bride’s parents have to pick up this expense as well…especially since your guy is expected to take care of you and provide for you. Isn’t this a way of providing??? I totally understand brides parents wanting to give their daughter and son in law any gift that they want too… but to expect it and ask for it??
That is awful! This is what I mean… seems like jahaiz is an easy way for the guy’s side to take advantage of the girl’s side by using this custom/tradition.
You are absolutely right … its just too bad our culture is like this
i've never heard of anyone asking for or taking jahez here (uk), most brides that i've known usually just take their own stuff as in clothes, shoes, make up and whatever else they want without any pressure. however my female cousins in pak usually take furniture etc for their new room and things like tv and dish sets. doesn't really happen here though
i hope you are joking by saying this, that is not the attitude you should be taking with you especially if you are going into a joint family because i fyou are living with family...then act as a family....
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A relative was getting married and moving to Saudi with her husband. Her inlaws live in Karachi though (mil, devars, jeth, joint family basically), and her mother in law demanded for the girl's family to furnish her 'new room' in the susraal which was pretty much a small kamra they gave her on the rooftop/chatt, and threw the old furniture out of there. The saas was all like, she will stay there when she visits from Saudi so you guys have to give her furniture, TV, everything for it. Her family did it without any issues but the disgusting part was that as soon as she left for Saudi, her room got taken over by her devar, jeth, guests.. basically, anyone just went and stayed there whenever they wished, and still do. She could have used that money to spend on something much better.
This.
Well just to make clear that thank-you was to prove me rite and at the same time give me an amazing idea for a topic @ GS.
Hi everyone...I am getting married in March and am still in the process of shopping...I am totally against the concept of lots of dowry and find it stupid to take mounds of things to a place which already has everything necessary required (I am getting married in a joint family). My inlaws are quiet about it, they just said that we have a small store and not much place for your things. But they never said DONT bring anything, God has given us everything.My aunties keep telling me u shud take everything with you if you dont want to hear things from your inlaws....this worries me, please suggest me what to do...whenever i go for shopping i feel everything unnecessary and useless like fancy beddings, crockeries, juicers/blenders, tv, fridge, microwave and blah blah... what do youn guys say? should i take just the necessities with me and wait & see what my inlaws have to say to me or should i take the whole truck with me and sleep with bundles of things in my bedroom because they dont have space for my things. Please Help. Really Confused
It also depends on what kind of Inlaws you have doesn't it do they seem to be in aww of glitz and stuff...you must have interacted with them so you probably know...do you feel they are the type who would care about what you took with you or not...are they in Karachi, or other place...out of country? all these things matter...
half joking, half serious. why should i bring things that they should already have (dishes etc) for other people to use? i'm not a cash cow or walking gift-trolley.
when i got married, all i knew was that my parents gave me what they wanted to...i was only going to stay in Pakistan for a few months as we would come back to USA as soona s my husband got his visa approval...i grew up in new york city all my life, and went to live in a very small town in Pakistan for a few months....my father asked me if i wanted he could arrange for me to live in Lahore where the rest of my cousins and relatives lived, but I said that was not right, as I am sure my husband's family would want me to live with them...but parents did buy me furniture for my room and dishes, and all that stuff...
when i got there after marriage, i never gave the feeling that my stuff is only mine, in fact i always invite people even guest who came to sit in my room...and i always encouraged everyone to use the dishes and things like, because to me my husband's family was now my family, to me it was the same as my brothers and sisters using it...after 4 months we came to USA, i have gone back only 2 times...1 time for 3 weeks, and the second time for 8 days....my mother in law on the other hand keeps my things still locked up, she won't let anyone use it...she tells everyone that this is mine, that it is imanat...even though i keep telling her to let them....i mean if it was bought and my parents spent money on it, what was the point if it isn't being used, it should give someone some benefit...
one thing i have to say, that Alhamdulillah, my devars, and naands and mother in law, say to this day that those days were the happiest days...and now 2 of my devars live with us in USA, and they are blessing too, they help me with my kids and the respect me very much...i never let them feel that they are any different than my own brothers....
but i understand not all people are like this, and most are rather difficult, as i have witnessed within my own relatives' experiences....
You want to be selfless, caring and giving when the other party is worth it and reciprocates the love. With some people, it's just useless to be nice and helpful when they don't consider you as family and rather just a 'bahu', especially the kinds who make demands to bring stuff with you and put that unnecessary pressure on your family to spend money that can be used elsewhere. I mean aren't the wedding, clothes, jewelry, food expenses alot as it is? How can one consider such inlaws as family and let them get their hands on your stuff. This is where Sara's statement about being a cash cow (and another awesome term she used, I forgot what) holds true because that's what you're considered more than a new family member.
In the beginning, i think almost EVERY single bahu is caring and generous and stuff. I know I was. but as time goes by you start to think...why the heck did I go through so much for them? when u feel it wasn't worth it.
sounds cold hearted and selfish...but hey , we all are. no biggie.
I knew someone same thing happened to her ...girl wasn't even gonna live for a few days but the GUY and his family insisted that the girls family give her 'jahaiz' .... that jahaiz included sofa set, bedroom set, tv... dishes, a fancy cupboard for the dishes... and dining set.. and a dinner trolley... plus a tv trolley.... the girls family offered to give her cash so she could furnish the place she was living in..but family and guy put their foot down...not to mention all the bed furnishings and all.... it is a pathetic system if they are using the girl to update their home furniture......
some woman in my MIL's neighborhood told my MIL many years ago when they were buying furniture for their home in pak...why are you doing this ...you have so many sons... when they all get married ... your house will be filled..... sick sick mentality....it is one thing that parents want to give something to their daughter... and she brings her own stuff but demanding things.... and the even more sadder part about all of this is ...that we see a lot of these women who move to the middle east after marriage and they live in holes.... with little to no furniture.... and all of their jahaiz is being abused in pak....
IF the guy kept them well that would be great ...but these guys are only good to say hum yahan kharcha naheen karien gey.... wahan itna sabh kuch hai naa.... yeah by the time the couple return they are well into their old age...
sorry for the long post but have seen this happen toooooo many times...
Thanks for so many replies and I was searching at GS if there was a topic on Jahaiz but was shocked to find no one discussed such a major issue. Spiral I would only have a room to myself not even my own kitchen forget the whole floor. It would be like the way we live with our parents, kids in their bedrooms, parents in the master bed and the big kitchen lounge etc all downstairs, they have this house built only a yr ago and furnished it all.... so tell me what is practical to take there?
Also as teelobhain asked I dont know wat to think... My Inlaws did not say NO to dowry but did not demand anything either... plus they said we dont have much storage... but whenever I tell my fiance that do you think i shud buy this? or that? he never says 'NO dont,No need!' he just says 'daikh lo, If u wish to or that would be nice'.... that confuses me
Thanks for so many replies and I was searching at GS if there was a topic on Jahaiz but was shocked to find no one discussed such a major issue. Spiral I would only have a room to myself not even my own kitchen forget the whole floor. It would be like the way we live with our parents, kids in their bedrooms, parents in the master bed and the big kitchen lounge etc all downstairs, they have this house built only a yr ago and furnished it all.... so tell me what is practical to take there?
Also as teelobhain asked I dont know wat to think... My Inlaws did not say NO to dowry but did not demand anything either... plus they said we dont have much storage... but whenever I tell my fiance that do you think i shud buy this? or that? he never says 'NO dont,No need!' he just says 'daikh lo, If u wish to or that would be nice'.... that confuses me
my inlaws are just the same, but my finace strongly opposes the idea of getting stuff for my self, even if i tell him i want to have an ivory lamp for my bedroom and a black and white theme, he just wont appreciate the thought of my parents buying my so much stuff.
i will be living in pakistan for the rest of my life IA, even then i know it will be very hard to buy stuff for my wedding. as my inlaws esp my husband-to-be wont let me buy anything and my daddy keeps on insisting and adding things to the list :p
lets see what happens, because they too dont have any space left in the house with two BIL already married (mA)
My cousin moved to Canada from Khi after her shadi and her mom and dad asked us to look around and give them an estimate for bedroom furniture. Word got around and her in-laws invited my parents for tea and told them that they plan on buying the bedroom furniture and there is no need for them to look around. At first my parents thought they were fulfilling a formality but after a lengthy discussion they figured that there is no point, if we gave them furniture...they were pretty much offended.
A few days later they e-mailed a couple of samples to my cousin and asked her to choose since it was HER room. It was very pleasant to see that. Her in-laws set a wonderful example or everyone around them.
My cousin moved to Canada from Khi after her shadi and her mom and dad asked us to look around and give them an estimate for bedroom furniture. Word got around and her in-laws invited my parents for tea and told them that they plan on buying the bedroom furniture and there is no need for them to look around. At first my parents thought they were fulfilling a formality but after a lengthy discussion they figured that there is no point, if we gave them furniture...they were pretty much offended.
A few days later they e-mailed a couple of samples to my cousin and asked her to choose since it was HER room. It was very pleasant to see that. Her in-laws set a wonderful example or everyone around them.
Beautiful...now thats the attitude and feelings that i wish everyone had! Thank you for sharing this with us...very nice!
In the beginning, i think almost EVERY single bahu is caring and generous and stuff. I know I was. but as time goes by you start to think...why the heck did I go through so much for them? when u feel it wasn't worth it.
sounds cold hearted and selfish...but hey , we all are. no biggie.
Ok sorry that it happened with you BUT you can't take that against everyone. If anything, you should be proud of yourself that i did my best and if the other side is not reciprocating nicely, then they wl have to pay u bk for it whether in this world or hereafter. I know easy said than done, but for God's sake don't let people's wrong attitudes towards you get you going wrong too. You know what i am saying?!
Almost everyone in my khandaan married people in the khandaan… and there was no leynaa deynaa at all. I am the first to marry outside of the family. I am going to be living separately with my fiance inshAllah but I dont know yet if my inlaws will be the type to ask or not ask.
On top of throwing a wedding … it seems so unfair that the bride’s parents have to pick up this expense as well…especially since your guy is expected to take care of you and provide for you. Isn’t this a way of providing??? I totally understand brides parents wanting to give their daughter and son in law any gift that they want too… but to expect it and ask for it?? 
