I don't understand, why we need to tell around we have done this and that? Its different if something is troubling you and you vent it.
She didn't need to tell.. she chose to..
Unless you plan to drink again, why would you share this piece of information with anyone? It makes no sense. It is generally a bad idea to tell your beloved your dirty secrets in order to shift your guilt. You just end up hurting them. Don't do it again. I don't mean drinking, I mean shifting your guilt for something you did and knew was wrong. That is not sharing, that is giving your baggage to someone else to worry about.
I don't think it's about shifting guilt.. maybe it's me but that would never have even ocurred to me.. If someone told me they'd told their partner their deepest darkest secrets I'd assume it would be about becoming closer..
I've told my husband a lot because I wanted him to know the real me and love me for that..
I agree with your parents. Most relationships, esp that between the wife and husband, are such that you can't afford to have any loopholes. No matter how great and understanding a person may be, some things are just better kept to yourself as otherwise could be used against you.
I don't think it's about shifting guilt.. maybe it's me but that would never have even ocurred to me.. If someone told me they'd told their partner their deepest darkest secrets I'd assume it would be about becoming closer..
I've told my husband a lot because I wanted him to know the real me and love me for that..
The reason I refer to this type of 'sharing' as 'shifting guilt' is because I have seen and heard many cases where people screw up and later walk around with their head hung in shame. They get this urge to let it out because it becomes a burden. They get the bested and the dearest of all people to share this dirty secret of theirs. They know if others found out, they would be embarrassed but if they told someone else who would make them feel better about it then they wouldn't feel so bad about the dirty secret getting out. Some people also use this tactic to repeat the behavior only to share it again later and say sorry.
There's no reason to burden your husband with your own issues. Keep them to yourself and deal with them yourself.
Its not lying when one doesn't disclose things that happened years before someone met their spouse. Its called trying to have a future. I don't understand this obsession with a past that has NO BEARING on the future.
Obviously, if you have kids, a condition, liabilities that you know will affect your partner, etc etc etc...then do a FULL disclosure.
But apna dil halka karna because you feel like "oh wow, now I can tell my hubby everything like he's one of my girlfriends" is kinda not cool in my book. What else will you have him do? Brush your hair and read your bed time stories? :(
I agree with what everyone has said so far. Personally, revealing irrelevant details seems rather unnecessary to me if said details have no effect on the future.
It's interesting that most of the responses seem to be leaning towards not disclosing details from the past. A couple of months back, in one of PCG's "What if.../Would you..." threads, she or someone else asked whether or not people would want to know if a potential prospect engaged in any "bad" behaviour while at uni or something to that effect. The overwhelming response from people was that they would want to know. Quite a few ladies said something to the effect of "oh, if he was engaged in haram things before I would want to know" or "I would want to know because past behaviour says alot about a person." Just out of curiosity, doesn't that apply here as well?
make sure that his muted response to your revelation is NOT linked to his immigration. if it is...he drank the bitter potion and will probably use this info against you, as your parents rightfully suspect, in order to find an excuse to divorce you.
I am one of those people who would want the person to know me for who I am. But I would definitely only share something if I know they can take it. If they can't take it and whatever I want to share is a big deal for me, then I know we are not compatible. I wouldn't let it continue.
On the other hand, it surprises me when rishta dudes ask some very direct questions. I am left wondering what's going on in their minds. Like if I've ever had a relationship. They initially respond with a no. Then when you ask a direct question, you get something like "I liked a girl. Her dad said no/didn't work out for xyz reason. But it wasn't a relationship" Even though they told each other they liked each other, kept in touch daily and took it to parents. What else is a relationship, bro!
I agree with your parents. Most relationships, esp that between the wife and husband, are such that you can't afford to have any loopholes. No matter how great and understanding a person may be, some things are just better kept to yourself as otherwise could be used against you.
This scares me. This makes me wonder about how much to trust the person you marry. I want to feel safe/at home with them. Is that naive of me?
I think you did the right thing. But it also depends on the guy - if drinking matters to him or not but you should let him know if he asks. I am far from molvi but I would like to know if she drinks or used to - it would be a total turn off and deal breaker for me if she did.
I agree with what everyone has said so far. Personally, revealing irrelevant details seems rather unnecessary to me if said details have no effect on the future.
It's interesting that most of the responses seem to be leaning towards not disclosing details from the past. A couple of months back, in one of PCG's "What if.../Would you..." threads, she or someone else asked whether or not people would want to know if a potential prospect engaged in any "bad" behaviour while at uni or something to that effect. The overwhelming response from people was that they would want to know. Quite a few ladies said something to the effect of "oh, if he was engaged in haram things before I would want to know" or "I would want to know because past behaviour says alot about a person." Just out of curiosity, doesn't that apply here as well?
I agree with what everyone has said so far. Personally, revealing irrelevant details seems rather unnecessary to me if said details have no effect on the future.
It's interesting that most of the responses seem to be leaning towards not disclosing details from the past. A couple of months back, in one of PCG's "What if.../Would you..." threads, she or someone else asked whether or not people would want to know if a potential prospect engaged in any "bad" behaviour while at uni or something to that effect. The overwhelming response from people was that they would want to know. Quite a few ladies said something to the effect of "oh, if he was engaged in haram things before I would want to know" or "I would want to know because past behaviour says alot about a person." Just out of curiosity, doesn't that apply here as well?
I too would really like to know who has and hasn't been consistent with their responses. I have a feeling the people wanting to share their past are the same posters advocating wanting to know the past of their potential rishtas. Then again I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out to be the opposite since hypocrisy and double standards are totally standard on GS.
I too would really like to know who has and hasn't been consistent with their responses. I have a feeling the people wanting to share their past are the same posters advocating wanting to know the past of their potential rishtas. Then again I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out to be the opposite since hypocrisy and double standards are totally standard on GS.
The reason I brought this up is that in the aforementioned thread, quite a few ladies stated that they would want to know details about a potential prospect's past, including what he got up to at uni, as they felt that past actions reveal alot about a person's character. In addition to this, there seems to be a tendency on here to be extremely harsh on men and delve quite deep into their past and personal lives (and I mean MI-6/ISI level intrusiveness), while being more lenient with women. A few months back, someone even suggested looking into court records for divorce proceedings if considering a proposal from a divorced gentleman.
Overall though, whether or not sharing details about one's past is appropriate depends the individual, their significant other and the type of relationship they have their significant other. There is no right or wrong answer to this. What works for one person may not necessarily work for another as each individual and each relation is different, so I don't think advice is terribly useful on this matter.
The reason I brought this up is that in the aforementioned thread, quite a few ladies stated that they would want to know details about a potential prospect's past, including what he got up to at uni, as they felt that past actions reveal alot about a person's character. In addition to this, there seems to be a tendency on here to be extremely harsh on men and delve quite deep into their past and personal lives (and I mean MI-6/ISI level intrusiveness), while being more lenient with women. A few months back, someone even suggested looking into court records for divorce proceedings if considering a proposal from a divorced gentleman.
Overall though, whether or not sharing details about one's past is appropriate depends the individual, their significant other and the type of relationship they have their significant other. There is no right or wrong answer to this. What works for one person may not necessarily work for another as each individual and each relation is different, so I don't think advice is terribly useful on this matter.
Why are you hating on and singling out 'ladies' here? Whats your problem? huh? Who do you think you are, coming here and putting down and being rude to women who post here? Is it that much of a problem for you that women come here and support each other and are empowering one another in dealing with terrible pressures of desi society?
Agreed. It’s kind of like looking at relevant past experiences for a potential job candidate. Whatever it is you are looking for, you would want to weed out individuals who will affect you negatively whether it’s in a job or a personal situation. If I were hiring a person for a desk job, I won’t go out of my way to find out what night clubs he/she goes to on the weekends because that doesn’t affect job performance. However, I will look at someone’s eating, clubbing, and sleeping habits if I were looking for a roommate. I will not need to know what university he/she goes to because that will not affect me but how he/she lives will. Certain requirements apply to certain situations. We have some thick heads here who can’t even differentiate between hiding illegitimate children from previous relationships and one-off drinking occurrences. Like really?
Look dear, when you want to test validity of logic/methodology, you gotta put in some extreme value in it. To see what result it gives. I kept the logic same, just put some ‘extreme’ facts out there. Too bad you are drifting deeper and deeper into the aunty territory
PS: You said
What is being asked is, is the drinking a valid ‘requirement’/‘disclosure’ in such a case or not. You gave example of Job and Roommate, both irrelevant to the topic at hand.
flipping eck, there is no NEED or BENEFIT in sharing past bad behaviour or sins to ANYONE including your spouse. He/she wasn't there when you did it, they don't bloody need to know. You don't earn 'more' trust with each other by telling each other about the crap you did earlier. It stays between you and Allah. Period. why do you need to dig up stuff to create more situations?
Complaining about men and blaming them for all of the ills of society passes as supporting one another these days? Quite ironic, given that many of the problems women discuss on here are caused by other women (or themselves). I’m not saying men have no responsibility for some of the issues discussed on here, but women have a role in these too.
I suppose you are referring to my post.
Complaining about men and blaming them for all of the ills of society passes as supporting one another these days? Quite ironic, given that many of the problems women discuss on here are caused by other women (or themselves). I’m not saying men have no responsibility for some of the issues discussed on here, but women have a role in these too.