How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

[Theorist]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

^ your post is worth applauding for, reha! That's exactly my point! Women in our community don't understand it though. we have to raise awareness. They feel perfectly fine neglecting their own parents or not seeing them because their inlaws or husband don't allow visits more than once. Month or a year. I said previously men with duh mentality should be shameful instead of proud for handing off their responsibilities to their wives. Horrible!

[arshad5]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

Seems like I have touched a raw nerve eh Reha?!!

Nobody looks down on the girls parents. However if they do get kicked out by the son and daughter-in-law and decide to camp with the daughter then that might be another story.

Men do look after their parents. However they do have to go out and put food on the table as well, so its not surprising that if the woman does not work then she would have to cook and do some washing, and if that is too much for her then she should stay at her parents house and not get married at all.

If the man has to go out and work and put up with 101 things from his boss, then the women should also work at home. Women aren't just decoration pieces, who just put nice clothes on, nice make-up, nice jewellery and look pretty.

If women care so much for their parents and want to be full carer then they shouldn't get married or get a ghar damaad.

[Theorist]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

^and most women these days work this is why the system is failing, genius!

[arshad5]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

lol thank your for appreciating my geniusness. Obviously if both work then arrangements have to be altered, and the woman cannot attend to her own parents as well. Or does she still make time for her own parents but doesn't have time for the in-laws?

[Reha]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

@rizla86

I have never met a desi man who doesn't want to take care of his own parents and would rather shove the responsibility on his wife. I don't understand where you get these ridiculous notions from. Before playing that broken record again, try to look around for examples where a son does not take care/support his parents. You won't find very many.

By taking care of them, they think their job is to merely pay the bills. All the rest of the work is for the wife to do.

And this mentality is prevalent in OUR desi society - nowhere else. The joint family system was and is designed to give precedence to a man's parents for having borne a son versus a daughter...a reward of a sort for putting in the extra work it takes in the process of having a son. You know...a boy-baby is usually in the womb for a year and a girl-baby for only 9 months because the mothers just want them out. Right? Tuition for a guy is so much more expensive than a girl. Right?

@arshad5

Seems like I have touched a raw nerve eh Reha?!!

Men do look after their parents. However they do have to go out and put food on the table as well, so its not surprising that if the woman does not work then she would have to cook and do some washing, and if that is too much for her then she should stay at her parents house and not get married at all.

If the man has to out and work and put up with 101 things from his boss then the women should also work at home. Women aren't a decoration piece, who just put nice clothes on, nice make-up, nice jewellery and look pretty.

If women care so much for their parents and want to be full carer then they shouldn't get married or get a ghar damaad.

Yup, you hit a raw nerve with me. I detest these ideas. No offense.

Women who stay home dont just sit at home and look pretty.

I WISH that was the case but it isnt. I dont know a single woman who has that kind of lifestyle so you're waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off the mark there.

[Reha]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

@arshad5

lol thank your for appreciating my geniusness. Obviously if both work then arrangements have to be altered, and the woman cannot attend to her own parents as well. Or does she still make time for her own parents but doesn't have time for the in-laws?

Its her responsibility to make time for her parents whether she works or not.

Its NOT her job to make time for his parents because he is hatta katta and alive.

Its his job to make time for his parents and make sure their needs are met and if he doesnt have time for them then he cant blame others for it.

[Theorist]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

^yup. What she said...

[arshad5]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

We have Theorist saying that women work and therefore the system (of looking after the in-laws) is breaking down, which implies that after working so many hours, women don't have sufficient time to do anything else.

Then on the other hand we have you Reha saying that, you will find the time for your parents even if you worked, so lack of time is not a real issue, it is just that you don't want to look after your in-laws and don't see them as part of your family even though you might be married to that family. So even being housewife, presumably time is not an issue so long your own parents are involved but you don't have time for your in-laws. I am confused.

You hold thoughts like that and then claim to be holier than thou! No offence. For me it is just an academic exercise.

[Theorist]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

^That's not what she means, Arshad. You are misinterpreting her words. What she is saying is that you as a man expect your wife to consider your parents as her family and want her to spend time with them but most desi men are not expected to spend time with his parents in law. If you are not expected to make time for her parents, you should not expect her to spend time yours either. This is one of the many double standards that test our patience time and time again.

[rizla86]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

@Reha

By taking care of them, they think their job is to merely pay the bills. All the rest of the work is for the wife to do.

And this mentality is prevalent in OUR desi society - nowhere else. The joint family system was and is designed to give precedence to a man's parents for having borne a son versus a daughter...a reward of a sort for putting in the extra work it takes in the process of having a son. You know...a boy-baby is usually in the womb for a year and a girl-baby for only 9 months because the mothers just want them out. Right? Tuition for a guy is so much more expensive than a girl. Right?

Ehh? You're just rambling now :S

So it's a crime to pay the bills now? Just because the man goes out to work doesn't mean he starts neglecting his parents, not being there 24/7 is not equal to shirking his responsibility to the parents.

[rizla86]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

@Theorist

^ your post is worth applauding for, reha! That's exactly my point! Women in our community don't understand it though. we have to raise awareness. They feel perfectly fine neglecting their own parents or not seeing them because their inlaws or husband don't allow visits more than once. Month or a year. I said previously men with duh mentality should be shameful instead of proud for handing off their responsibilities to their wives. Horrible!

You live in a joint family right? At what point have you felt your husband did not want to spend any time with his parents, and would rather you did? You've probably seen one or two men like that in your life tops. You don't like living in a joint family, fine. No need to pass sweeping judgements on those who do happily and DILs who don't mind taking care of the in laws when their hubby's away.

[Theorist]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

My story is very different. He knew ahead of time I didn't agree with this living arrangment but I married him anyway. I had 7 years to make his understand my expectations from this marriage before I married him. So naturally, he didn't expect me to spend time with them." just as I don't expect him to spend time with my parents. He is miles away from being a typical Pakistani guy. 90% of the men I know expect their wives to look after their parents when they should be doing it and do not visit their own inlaws

[rizla86]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

@Theorist

My story is very different. He knew ahead of time I didn't agree with this living arrangment but I married him anyway. I had 7 years to make his understand my expectations from this marriage before I married him. So naturally, he didn't expect me to spend time with them." just as I don't expect him to spend time with my parents. He is miles away from being a typical Pakistani guy. 90% of the men I know expect their wives to look after their parents when they should be doing it and do not visit their own inlaws

That's called pulling percentages out of the ass.

How in your opinion should a typical Pakistani guy take care of his parents? Is it a crime for him to expect his wife to take care of the affairs at home in his absence (if they live with his parents)? Also, what has not visiting inlaws got to do with anything? From what I've seen, most men are comfortable visiting in laws (albeit not for extended periods of time) and let their wives visit for longer. Real life =/= Star Plus, stop dosing on those soaps.

[cherryontop]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

@arshad5

Cherryontop: I wish you would make up your mind. In case you have forgotten let me remind you again, what the original question was:

**You seem to be contradicting yourself here. Didn't you write that people need to align their thought process with religion as opposed to dogmatic hindu customs? So joint family and daughter in laws looking after the parents in law is a hindu custom?

**Reading between the lines one minutes you seem to be saying one thing and then next the other. For your information, I would have you know that many people who are practising my "dogmatic hindu customs" as opposed to your Islam do look after and respect the parents of the wife, however the primary responsibility for looking after them does not fall on the son-in-law or daughter but their own son(s). Now in exception circumstances all the responsibility may fall on the son-in-law, but that it not the usual norm.

Primary responsibility only falls on the son?? Says WHO? Again, your customs?!! Our religion doesn't say so, so why are you making up theories that have no basis and are only practiced in your male chauvinist country!

You don't know anyone who would move in with their daughters in YOUR community? No "self-respecting or honorable" parents would move in with their daughter?!? WHERE are you FROM?!?! The dark ages before the arrival of Islam?! Again stop acting as if your skewed and illogical customs are what every literal, intelligent person follows out here. Isn't it weird that India and Pakistan are the only countries where this practice is preached and promoted and every other country shuns such backwards thinking?! I don't have a problem with taking care of in-laws at all. Both our parents need all the support and help they need when they get old but I can't believe we are here defending our right to take care of OUR parents....are you kidding me?!? We have to fight for our right to take care of OUR parents just because we're married?!

Again, I don't know where you live but I've always seen a girl and a guy get their OWN place once they're married so no the girl doesn't move into a room at her in-laws place. My husband doesn't want to live in his parents home and I don't want to live in my parent's home! We are adults and we are very much capable of getting our own place. When our parents need us, they will move in with us! So again, your theory of moving in with the in-laws falls flat on the face. I have no idea how things are done in Pakistan and am not interested in the backwards mentality exhibited by some people there but things are pretty good here.

I am just glad I don't have to face people like you in real life.....I even mentioned this discussion to my husband last night and he was shocked at the mentality of people like you. There is no point in even having a logical debate with you because your thinking is so skewed!

[cherryontop]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

@Theorist

^That's not what she means, Arshad. You are misinterpreting her words. What she is saying is that you as a man expect your wife to consider your parents as her family and want her to spend time with them but most desi men are not expected to spend time with his parents in law. If you are not expected to make time for her parents, you should not expect her to spend time yours either. This is one of the many double standards that test our patience time and time again.

Let it go, Theorist. There is no point in debating with people who are so fixated in their ways that they fail to even comprehend what the other person is saying. They also to fail to acknowledge facts because they know if they do, things would no longer be in their favor.

[Deeba1234]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

How many of these 'caring' desi sons who think their mothers apparently need so much help and looking after actually** helped with the cooking or cleaning themselves **before the wife came along???

Seems they love 'caring' for their mums as long as they don't have to do it...

[Deeba1234]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

@cherryontop

Isn't it weird that India and Pakistan are the only countries where this practice is preached and promoted and every other country shuns such backwards thinking?!

Would love to know arshad's answer to this..

[arshad5]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

@cherryontop

Primary responsibility only falls on the son?? Says WHO? Again, your customs?!! Our religion doesn't say so, so why are you making up theories that have no basis and are only practiced in your male chauvinist country!

You don't know anyone who would move in with their daughters in YOUR community? No "self-respecting or honorable" parents would move in with their daughter?!? WHERE are you FROM?!?! The dark ages before the arrival of Islam?! Again stop acting as if your skewed and illogical customs are what every literal, intelligent person follows out here. Isn't it weird that India and Pakistan are the only countries where this practice is preached and promoted and every other country shuns such backwards thinking?! I don't have a problem with taking care of in-laws at all. Both our parents need all the support and help they need when they get old but I can't believe we are here defending our right to take care of OUR parents....are you kidding me?!? We have to fight for our right to take care of OUR parents just because we're married?!

Again, I don't know where you live but I've always seen a girl and a guy get their OWN place once they're married so no the girl doesn't move into a room at her in-laws place. My husband doesn't want to live in his parents home and I don't want to live in my parent's home! We are adults and we are very much capable of getting our own place. When our parents need us, they will move in with us! So again, your theory of moving in with the in-laws falls flat on the face. I have no idea how things are done in Pakistan and am not interested in the backwards mentality exhibited by some people there but things are pretty good here.

I am just glad I don't have to face people like you in real life.....I even mentioned this discussion to my husband last night and he was shocked at the mentality of people like you. There is no point in even having a logical debate with you because your thinking is so skewed!

Glad that you could make the appearance. Let me repeat my previous question again ,

**define for me what you mean by looking after your parents under "your" Islam after marriage and how that is different from my "dogmatic hindu customs".? Quoting something directly from the Quran would help my understanding here.

**One minute you say that you are not belittling my "dogmatic hindu customs" and the next minute you are....make up your mind woman.

Again I state to you that Islam is spirtual and it does not affect your culture. You can have any culture in the world and still be a muslim. Please don't use Islam to justify your unislamic views.

I am actually from the light ages of Europe, if you must really know.

My theory does not fall flat on its face. Obviously if you live alone then you cannot take care of your parents other than to visit them from time to time.

Just because you cannot make your point and are going around in circles, it does not mean that you have to use words like "mentality of people like you". I am proud of my "dogmatic hindu customs".

[Reha]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

@arshad5

We have Theorist saying that women work and therefore the system (of looking after the in-laws) is breaking down, which implies that after working so many hours, women don't have sufficient time to do anything else.

Then on the other hand we have you Reha saying that, you will find the time for your parents even if you worked, so lack of time is not a real issue, it is just that you don't want to look after your in-laws and don't see them as part of your family even though you might be married to that family. So even being housewife, presumably time is not an issue so long your own parents are involved but you don't have time for your in-laws. I am confused.

You hold thoughts like that and then claim to be holier than thou! No offence. For me it is just an academic exercise.

Time is an issue.

You dont get it. Her parents are her job regardless of marriage or not. Her parents have every right over their daughter whether she is married or not. Maan ka haqq koi jhutla nahin sakta - aap bhi nahin because if you do you put yourself in a position to get gunah. You cannot stop a child from taking care of their parents by saying "if you dont clean up after mine, you better not even think about yours". Your parents are not part of her job description, they never were. They are YOUR parents and you alone are responsible for them. Not her.

If she does it out of the niceness of her heart, its a gesture you should appreciate. But that does not relieve you of your responsibility. Sorry.

[arshad5]

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

@Deeba1234

Would love to know arshad's answer to this..

To be honest, I don't think this custom is just practiced in India and Pakistan. I am sure it is also practiced in Bagladesh, Nepal, Afghanistan, Indonesia and many other countries.

Secondly, whether it is practised elsewhere or not is irrelevant. For example in the west, people drink alcohol, sex casual sex or have children out of wedlock. Do you suggest that we follow these things as well otherwise we will be "backward"?. Our custom is firmly established for centuries and has worked for us. Just because others may have different cultures does not mean that there is something wrong with our culture or we should start following others culture.