How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

Lifestyle Relationships
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I learnt here..that daughters have equal responsibility to take care of their parents…just like sons do..

what i want to know is…when the daughters are married off…how do they usually fulfill this responsibility???

((since they can’t live with parents to take constant care and they have their own homes to manage also…))

My question is more about 'being there for parents’ rather than financial contribution toward parents…

Some of the married off ladies could shed some light…

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Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

My naani doesn't have a place of her own to live since she sold her place and distributed the property amongst her children. So she lives with 2 of my mamoos on alternate basis. My khala fulfils her responsibility by bringing my naani to her place and keeping her for few weeks after every few months (although my khaaloo is not very supportive of this). My other khala, who can't keep my naani since she lives on the 2nd floor of a building without any elevator, cooks soups and other food items for my naani and takes these to her wherever she lives. When my mom used to live in Pak, she kept her mom at her place and she considered this much easier than going to any of her brothers' place and staying there to take care of my naani. But this arrangement definitely requires full support and marzi from daughters' husbands which is not easily available.

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Re: How do “married off” daughters take care of their parents

These type of questions always hit home for me, since there are only two of us sisters to take care of our parents. Since my sister is married, now my parents are FULLY depending on me for when they grow older. I’m lucky enough to find someone who’s understanding and he will always compromise to my need for staying close to my parents.

It’s hard even talking about it :naak:

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Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

First I have to say that I think daughters have equal responsibility toward their parents only if their parents equipped them to be as independent as their sons (which I don't necessarily think is the right thing to do).

Second, OBVIOUSLY one can't take care of anyone by being away. The only help can be monetary. Actual personal care is possible only during visits or by hiring care takers or as Nomi would like to hear it, relying on the bahus who stay with them. To be honest though, exactly how many families have bahus living with them anymore? Furthermore, from what I've seen (in my own family) once parents reach a certain age where they need physical assistance, the children with stronger intentions and/or means to support them do so regardless of being male/female.

Ps. I'm not married but my mom is, my grandmom is and I've seen them do that for their moms and they did have supportive husbands who didn't flinch at their wives' money and time being diverted for these random outsiders.

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Re: How do “married off” daughters take care of their parents

I didn’t get wat u meant to say here…:konfused:…that girls shouldn’t be made independetn??

Many have bahus living with them…(the reason you see all the MIL DIL drama :hehe:)

What/how exactly did they do it…thats what i wanna know…

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Re: How do “married off” daughters take care of their parents

Nomi, there isn’t much you can do if you’re living oceans apart from your parents.

If there’s someone living with your parents e.g. your brother(s), cousins (in a joint family system), maids and servants etc. then why would you need to worry about being with them 24/7? May Allah swt keep them in good health but if there’s ever any issues, I’ll be able to travel to them in a day. If there’s something worrying them, we can talk about it for hours, live on skype and so on. Communication is a whole lot easier today than it was even 10 years ago. I remember we used to write letters to dad and it would take 3 weeks for the letter to reach him lol! Who writes letters today?! I realised how much regular communication matters to parents after my sister got married. They eagerly await her call every single day, even if its just a 2 minute call… it isn’t very hard nor very expensive to pick up the phone and dial a number these day. Even that much is enough to let them know that you’re always there for them.

Anyway, nothing would make me happier than having my parents live close by but if that isn’t possible, I’m not really worried. Even if they were left completely on their own, I’d pay a caretaker to be there for them 24/7. Hubby dearest would have no rights over my income, it’s all going to go towards my expenses and my parents, he can shoo off! :snooty:

That’s pretty much all we can do, isn’t it?

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Re: How do “married off” daughters take care of their parents

haahah… :omg:…why would i wan’t to hear that??

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Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

For my sisters that are married, they and their husbands chose to live close by. We're all situated around Chicago save for one of us who had to relocate to NJ. She comes every couple of months, contributes financially towards my parents and takes care of other things from a distance. Phone calls that need to be made, doc appointments, etc.

If you want to make it happen, you can.

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Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

^ mostly its not possible for whole family to be situated closeby.......many people live away...other cities, other states, other countries even.... the ''maried off'' in title was for this reason....... its quite obvious that if the daughters are living closeby they can do it......but my question related to those who are away.......

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Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

That's my issue. We are all sisters and 3 of us are married. We see our parents on regular basis. Each of us visits my parents on different days of the week. My parents are still relatively young and very independent. Also, my mom is a nurse so she takes good care of herself and my dad. I think they are looking forward to getting the youngest one married off so they can time for each other. Obviously they will grow old and will need assistance. In that case, we all live close by and don't plan to move away unless absolutely need to. My other married sisters live alone with their husbands so they often visit them more than I do ( I do feel guilty) and help my parents as much as they can. My parents understand that I live with inlaws and it's not always possible to be there for them or support them financially, though I would lOve to.

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Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

Well, thats why I gave you the example of my sister in NJ. She is married and lives there but she still stays involved in whatever is happening here.

I think its best to find like-minded people versus trying to change someone's mind or perception of what a good DIL or daughter is.

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Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

My Nani used to be more at out place than at my mamu's place because of her health and not-so-good-financial situation of mamu. Of course ammi had full support from abbu on this. Abbu used to take care of nanis a lot too. From buying medicines, hospital expenses to buying her favorite fruit everyday to getting her favorite monthly disgust on 1st of every month.

I know its not possible for all married girls to bring home and keep her mother but if husband is understanding, help can be done this way in addition to financial health. If daughter is living near by, she can at-least call every morning and make sure she fuilful mother/parents needs if something is required.

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Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

We are only three sisters and this is one thing i always think about. How will they live without us. MashaAllah my parents are very independent sort of people... My father does his own work (not dependent on my mother or on us) MashaAllah and my mother is very active MashaAllah. So i think they can easily live alone with out us obviously we sister regularly visit them as they do now. Alhamdulillah my both brother in laws are very cooperative in this matter. When my father hospitalized, my brother-in-law stayed with him in hospital at night and sent my sister and mother home. I am hopeful that my husband will be nice with them too.

But i always think when one of them dies (Allah na kary) then what will happen. Who will keep them as my one sister is in joint family and the other is living separately rite now but her in-laws will be shifted as soon as their daughter will be married. And i am not sure about my future :p. But still i am hopeful that we will manage somehow.. like every sister can stay twice a day in a week, Like we can distribute days for visiting them so that at least one of us will be with them, something like that.

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Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

^do you see what i mean when I say this joint family system only benefits men? Do you now see how unfair it is for women that don't have brothers?

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Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

I do. But it also has to do with the ladies giving to these practices.

If you set a certain standard, it will be maintained.

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Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

My parents only have daughters and by the grace of God, have wonderful damaads who are very loving towards them. Whenever my parents have needed us, our husbands have been very supportive. They've never created a situation where we would feel guilty to take the time or finances to take care of our parents.

I guess there's an element of luck here but also, I feel relationships work both ways. Both my sister and I are blessed with great in laws and have never resisted serving them or taking care of them. In return, our husbands have done the same.... I don't know which came first.

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Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

And women who have brothers.

Those who don't usually work something out. It's not the end of the world for them, as evident from people relating in this thread. Joint families have a lot of faults, this is not one of them.

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Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

So...after reading the replies.......i guess the main point in all the info shared is that its basically the willingness and kindness of the Son-in-Law which makes it possible for the girls to be there for their parents and help them out.........or did i misinterpret it??

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Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

1) Women definately have responsibilities towards her own parents like the men do, HOWEVER you can't say they are same just lik men and women arent. So the comparison is baseless.

2) According to the Quran, The Women's first priority is her husband unlike the men whos first priority is not his wife. To make it simple to understand; Who has the most right over a woman?” = “Her husband. “Who has the most right over a man?” = “His mother.”

3) I think the best duty a daughter can do for her parents is to get settled in life with her husband and family and don't run to them with every small issue she may face in her marital life.

4) When the above is done, I am sure the husband would himself make sure he and his wife looks after her parents too.

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Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

Looking after parents is the responsibility of sons, unless there are no sons or the sons are totally useless. The responsibility of the daughters is to look after her in-laws as her own parents.