How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

So now you are saying that there is not much difference between "dogmatic hindu customs" and Islam? The only difference is that the girl has to give up her parents in "dogmatic hindu customs" but in Islam she can keep on looking after them, after marriage? Now tell me how you define looking after? Does that mean that your parents move in with you after your marriage and replace your in-laws? or does it mean that you visit them regularly and maybe cook them a meal, or take them to the doctors?

Again define for me what you mean by looking after your parents under "your" Islam after marriage and how that is different from my "dogmatic hindu customs".? Quoting something directly from the Quran would help my understanding here.

42

Re: How do “married off” daughters take care of their parents

Ok daughters are not “responsible” for in-laws. I take “responsible” to mean that the daughter does not live with the in-laws, and neither she cooks for them or washes their clothes. Yet our all knowing “Islamic” sisters would like to do all the above for their parents after marriage? Because Islam says so, that she must look after per parents only. Do you see my point? Its sad when people complain about people using Islam and practising hindu customs, and at the same time these same people use Islam to also do things that are un-Islamic.

Islam does not stop anyone from being a good human being. Any traditions or customs that don’t stop me from being a good human being, I am proud of even if someone calls them “dogmatic hindu customs”. This is my cultural heritage.

after marriage what khidmat you want to do for your parents? you are of those type of people that complain about your brothers and sisters-in laws and how they treat your own parents and yet want to act in the same way as your sister-in-laws to your own in-laws. What goes around comes around.

43

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

So how would u go about doing it??

You take your parents to live in your and your husband's house?? where you can actually properly take care of them and serve them..........???

You still didn't answer what my original question was......saying only "just like a son does" is a little too vague....thats why i opened this thread to ask how would u go about taking care of your parents 'just like sons' do....

44

Re: How do “married off” daughters take care of their parents

:k:

So you mean you plan to get married and live nearby to your parents right??

P.S

The topic wasn’t all that complicated…i have seen so many relevant replies here…i don’t know why people have to turn it into something else ‘everytime’…:rolleyes:

45

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

Great post!

Both men and women use religion to satisfy their biased ideas.

Some women use religion for not wanting to take care of in-laws.

The way it should be looked at is one you mentioned, being a good human being.

Other way to look at this is, your prents maybe your biological parents, but your inlaws are the biological prents of someone who you married and claim to love.

Hence, there should never be any discrmination against in-laws. Period.

46

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

^ and you don't use religion to your advantage? Ha! Most women would like a separate accommodation, what's wrong with that? Desis like you annoy the hell out of me. If you want to cling to your parents for the rest of your life don't drag your wife into it. Or better yet don't get married at all! Most likely, she's not thrilled to make your dreams a reality while she goes on antidepressants. And I cant believe you don't appreciate the sacrifices she makes for you, you think it's your right, arghh! you have some nerve! It's the lack of appreciation and this "I deserve" this attitude that put off women from serving yout parents. The problem is not with inlaws, it's with men like yourself who think it's your right to have your wife serve your parents, quite honestly, it's unmanly and sheepish of you to have your wife do what you should be doing

47

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

Would you kindly please answer the question in the original post too??

How do u go about taking care of your parents and being there for them??

Thanks

48

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

And I thought I was the only girly man in the house.

49

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

^ I already have!

50

Re: How do “married off” daughters take care of their parents

Oops..sorry…missed that :blush:

:hehe:

TDKK got banned now you are at it again :nahi: why don’t u post with ur original id??

51

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

Nomi CA why are you scared? I'm only a girly man, NOT A GIRL?

52

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

My sisters and I don't have brothers. I've been living in a different city since I graduated college, and my sisters also went to a different city when they started college. So my parents have been living on their own for quite a few years now. Thankfully their health is good and they do not require any assistance in daily living. My sisters and I visit them as much as we can. With my fiance, his parents live in a different state (he's been living without them for almost a decade!) and he visits them as much as he can.

My fiance and I have the following agreement and this applies to BOTH of our parents. We will continue with the current situation as long as the parents are able to live on their own. If his dad or my dad dies....then we will move the mom near us so that we can visit them regularly BUT still maintain our separate living situation. Due to cultural differences, as of right now, we don't think it would be a good idea for EITHER one of the mom's to live with us! Of course, when that times comes, if we both feel that the mom (whether its his or mine) is able to live with us without causing issues in our marriage, then its definitely an option.

If its a situation where the parents can not live on their own and need assistance in daily living....then whether or not they move in with us OR whether we get them to move near us the hire a nurse/full time caretaker to care for them (while we're very near them location wise) would depend on the following factors:

1) The specific medical issue and the type of assistance they need.
2) Our situation at that time in regards to our own children and whether or not I'm working full-time at that time.

** My sisters are still in college BUT I have briefly discussed this with them. Assuming my sisters are financially stable by the time my parents are in a position where they need to move in or be closer to us.....my sisters have agreed that we will put them on a "rotation" schedule (few months a year with each sister). Again, a large part of this will depend on where my sisters are living at that time and if my parents health allows them to travel.

This was a major concern of mine before I got engaged. Over the years, I have discussed this multiple times with fiance and have always made it clear to him that I expect BOTH sets of parents to receive equal treatment. I never want either set of parents to feel that they're "above" or "below" the other set.

53

Re: How do “married off” daughters take care of their parents

I’m planning on living v.nearby (within 5 mins) and my brother lives quite close as well with his wife (about 10/15mins away).. My dad is in his sixties but still chooses to work and so does my mum (tho she is in her fifties) and they have an active social-life. They have no major health problems and really I can’t see them needing ‘constant care’ within the next 10yrs or so. (I love how some ppl pretend the parents somehow need this ‘constant care’ right after the son gets married when often these same parents were perfectly fine beforehand lol)..

My parents will prob stay in their own home without us unless they get v.ill or lonely. If that happens they have the choice to live with my brother + wife or me + SO.. Might be that they choose to live with him for a while then me when it actually comes down to it but either way it doesn’t really matter..

I don’t know why there is so much drama over this issue, if daughters and sons looked out for their own parents instead of expecting their partners to be doing what is meant to be** their **responsibility (then often blaming that person for not doing a good enough job :smack:) most of these inlaw issues as well as the resentment would disappear..

Following a tradition that really makes little sense (surely if the system was that great it wouldn’t be only desis doing it) and causes so much tension just because that’s what our ancestors did is ridiculous imo..

54

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

OMG, are you having trouble with reading comprehension!?! Where did I say there is not much difference between dogmatic hindu customs and Islam. I said Islam emphasizes taking care of your parents while these customs are busy harping on only taking care of the guy's parents and bidding adios to your own parents! Looking after can mean a plethora of things! If your parents are independent and don't need to be driven everywhere, looking after could simply mean being there for them whenever they need you, visiting them regularly, making sure their health is fine and they are comfortable! It depends on your individual situation! And just BECAUSE you are a dutiful daughter who looks after her parents does NOT mean you are an evil DIL who neglects her in-laws and treats them like crap!! They can both go hand in hand. Just like you don't need to LIVE with in-laws to take care of them, you don't need to LIVE with your parents to take care of them. However, if either the in-laws or the parents are all alone with no other children living with them or need constant care, then it's best for them to move in with you. And if the guy's parents can live with a couple, why does it shock your conscience if a girl's parents live with a couple!?!

Also, the message in Quran is clear.....time and again we have been told to take care of our parents. The Quran has not stated any difference between sons and daughters when it comes to being there for your parents in old age. That responsibility applies equally to both men and women and for you guys to harp on pathetic cultural customs and not give your wife an opportunity to serve her own parents is just sad.

So what's wrong if my parents live with me? Is that not allowed? Would I be committing a sin? Just because a girl's parents live with her doesn't mean she is some evil person who has venom pouring out for her in-laws. Maybe the in-laws live somewhere else or with another child or with their own daughter. Or maybe the in-laws do live with you but that should not stop you from being there for your own parents as well. Also, taking care doesn't automatically mean living together! Why do you guys have this assumption? As I have mentioned above, taking care could mean many different things such as visiting them regularly, running their errands, taking them to places, helping them financially and having them stay with you.

Most parents these days are very independent and really don't need to be hand held but in old age they will need companionship and care and it's best that the parents live with the kids. This could mean the guy's parents or the girl's parents! Every family has a unique situation. Sometimes sons move away for work and daughters stay in the home state. If parents don't want to move to another state just so that they can live with the son, they can stay with the daughter or close to her. It's not always that the daughter moves far far away and writes sad letters to her parents longing for them....I mean there is no hard and fast rule and you do what works best for you! But no one has a right to make an assumption that a girl can't take care of her parents just because she is now married.

55

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

^It's like banging your head against a brick wall..

Some ppl will go to any lengths to preserve a cultural norm just for the sake of it.. Seems for those ppl cultural pride and following past generations or whatever is more important than using their own common-sense.. Like lemmings jumping off a cliff :D

56

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

**The same kind of khidmat you want to do for your parents. What makes a girl's parents less for you men?

This is jihalat in the purest form when people think their wives become orphan's after marriage.

**

57

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

My mom is a single parent and I'm the eldest of my siblings (all sisters), therefore taking care of my mom (financially, physically, emotionally) is definitely a priority. This issue was one of my main concerns when thinking about rishtas and fortunately my dude is completely okay with it mashallah. He also encourages it because his own family is apart and all over the globe and he hates it.
Sadly, he lost his dad a couple of years ago as well and even though both of our moms are in their early 50's and might not need as much help right now, we would like them both to live close by, possibly in the same neighborhood so we are around if they ever need us. The plan is to move them with us inshallah when they get older but my mom will probably have to split time between me and other sisters who are pretty protective over her as well and I doubt they'll let me hog her all to myself.

It's just shame when people aren't allowed to take care of their own parents or are stopped from doing so by their significant others. If only they'd think about their own future and picture their own kids abandoning them the same way, things would be different.

58

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

Cherryontop: I wish you would make up your mind. In case you have forgotten let me remind you again, what the original question was:

**You seem to be contradicting yourself here. Didn't you write that people need to align their thought process with religion as opposed to dogmatic hindu customs? So joint family and daughter in laws looking after the parents in law is a hindu custom?

**Reading between the lines one minutes you seem to be saying one thing and then next the other. For your information, I would have you know that many people who are practising my "dogmatic hindu customs" as opposed to your Islam do look after and respect the parents of the wife, however the primary responsibility for looking after them does not fall on the son-in-law or daughter but their own son(s). Now in exception circumstances all the responsibility may fall on the son-in-law, but that it not the usual norm.

You asked me a question, let me ask the same question to you, in a slightly modified form. Does being a good daughter-in-law stop you from being a good daughter?

I have no problem with the wifes parents moving in with the husband, in exceptional circumstances, or if all parties agree. However I don't believe, or at least know anyone in my community who would move in with their daughters. No self-respecting or honourable parent would move in with their daughter. It would be considered degrading and below their dignity. Although daughter and son-in-law may move in with them.

Why is it a norm for the girl to move in with her husband after marriage and not the other way round? Obviously in such a scenario you cannot expect the parents to move out, therefore the daughter-in-law lives with the parents-in-law. It would seem odd if parents of the boy were asked to move out and make room for the wifes parents. If girls felt strongly about their parents and being the main carer for them, then they should at the start ask their husbands to move in with their parents, so that they would not need to leave their homes and also move into a joint family house and with it the looking after of parents-in-law.

59

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

This mentality of looking down on a girl's parents will never change unless we change. They will never take care of their own parents. Men in our culture find it so hard they would rather marry someone to do it versus stooping so low themselves. Marjayenge lekin apne maan baap ki khidmat inki shaan ke khilaf hai. Maybe their parents should have had someone else raise them instead of doing it themselves.

Isnt it funny that our desi men feel so proud when they say that "meri bivi ayegi to mere maan baap ki khidmat karegi"...there is no concept of sharam here. What if their parents said "jab kaam wali ayegi tab vo tumhara kaam karegi". Koi sharam mehsoos nahin hoti hai in logon ko apna zimmidari kisi aur pe dalte huwe. Apne maan baap ke liye khud waqt nahin hai - why don't you say that? Taking the easy way out by marrying someone to do it is shameful and an embarrassment.

I would be ashamed of such a son. I didnt raise his wife, I raised HIM. Its HIS face I would want to see, not hers.

Its not just about the joint family system at all. Its about people taking ownership for what they really are responsible for. A girl's parents will and should always come first for her because maan aur baap ka haqq sabse zyada hota hai. Same for a man. If both parties understood their roles and responsibilities, half of these battles wouldnt happen. The joint family system wouldnt be so painful if men realized that their wives have their OWN set of parents to care for, their kids, husband and now his parents too? If he realized its actually HIS job, things would be better.

Ladies, please make sure when you have a son you raise him to be a MAN and not a coward who shrinks away from his responsibility of being there for his own parents.

60

Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents

I have never met a desi man who doesn't want to take care of his own parents and would rather shove the responsibility on his wife. I don't understand where you get these ridiculous notions from. Before playing that broken record again, try to look around for examples where a son does not take care/support his parents. You won't find very many.