Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents
^Point is if it's such a 'Muslim' thing why is DIL moving in with inlaws not really practised outside *desi culture *(and no, it's not 'many' countries lol)??
Surely that must be a big clue that it's not encouraged..
Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents
Time is an issue.
You dont get it. Her parents are her job regardless of marriage or not. Her parents have every right over their daughter whether she is married or not. Maan ka haqq koi jhutla nahin sakta - aap bhi nahin because if you do you put yourself in a position to get gunah. You cannot stop a child from taking care of their parents by saying "if you dont clean up after mine, you better not even think about yours". Your parents are not part of her job description, they never were. They are YOUR parents and you alone are responsible for them. Not her.
If she does it out of the niceness of her heart, its a gesture you should appreciate. But that does not relieve you of your responsibility. Sorry.
You use words like "gunah" and are trying to portray a religious context. You would do anything for your parents as you love them very much, yet you cannot find it in your heart to love the parents of your husband. His parents are not part of your job description, they never were. If you do anything thing for them then you are doing them a favour.
I cannot reconcile the love in your heart for one set of parents and the indifference towards the other set of parents. What religion states that you should only love your parents only and be indifferent to the rest of humanity?
Re: How do “married off” daughters take care of their parents
I never claimed that it was a muslim thing. I claimed it is our cultural heritage. What is widely practised e.g drinking across the world is not necessarily a good thing. See the quote below. Joint family or extended family is more common than just in India and Pakistan.
Per results of a study by Pew Research Center in 2010 approximately 50 million (nearly one in six) Americans, including rising numbers of seniors, live in households with at least two adult generations, and often three. The main reasons cited for this shift are increase in unemployment and slumped housing prices and arrival of new immigrants from Asian and South American countries
Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents
Glad that you could make the appearance. Let me repeat my previous question again ,
**define for me what you mean by looking after your parents under "your" Islam after marriage and how that is different from my "dogmatic hindu customs".? Quoting something directly from the Quran would help my understanding here.
**One minute you say that you are not belittling my "dogmatic hindu customs" and the next minute you are....make up your mind woman.
Again I state to you that Islam is spirtual and it does not affect your culture. You can have any culture in the world and still be a muslim. Please don't use Islam to justify your unislamic views.
I am actually from the light ages of Europe, if you must really know.
My theory does not fall flat on its face. Obviously if you live alone then you cannot take care of your parents other than to visit them from time to time.
Just because you cannot make your point and are going around in circles, it does not mean that you have to use words like "mentality of people like you". I am proud of my "dogmatic hindu customs".
I have clearly stated what taking care of parents means. If you suffer from severe reading comprehension difficulties, I can't help you out.
Yes I am belittling dogmatic hindu customs and ANY custom that emphasizes the guy's parents over a girl's! I will look down upon a culture that refuses to be fair and treat both sets of parents equally. Also, just because I am challenging your culture, does not mean I am calling you a non-Muslim! Where do you reach such conclusions?!? I was never the one using Islam to justify my views....it was rather the other way round! Earlier a post used Islam to justify their views and I questioned them regarding that. Asserting my right to take care of my parents when I am married is NOT unislamic....it's rather the opposite!
The only person who cannot understand my point is YOU.....so I am not the one running around like a headless chicken here.
Re: How do “married off” daughters take care of their parents
You just don’t get it, do you? This thread was never about joint family systems or the ability of a girl to take care of her in-laws. It was about the ability of a girl to take care of her parents once she is married.
Did the Pew Research Center indicate if these Americans were living with the guy’s parents or the girl’s parents? Living with the parents was never an issue…the issue was this constant emphasis that the couple is only obligated to live with the guy’s parents and has no responsibility toward the girl’s parents unless ‘exceptional circumstances’ apply!
Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents
That's called pulling percentages out of the ass. How in your opinion should a typical Pakistani guy take care of his parents? Is it a crime for him to expect his wife to take care of the affairs at home in his absence (if they live with his parents)? Also, what has not visiting inlaws got to do with anything? From what I've seen, most men are comfortable visiting in laws (albeit not for extended periods of time) and let their wives visit for longer. Real life =/= Star Plus, stop dosing on those soaps.
Didnt I say 90% of the people I KNOW? What does not visiting man's inlaws have to do anything with this? Everything! Its her parents she can see them anytime she wants, husband should not have any issue with that! If he does, he is a typical desi man. Of course there's nothing wrong with a guy wanting to take care of his parents? Girls don't have an issue with that. The problem is desi men want their wives to take care of his parents and then object when the wife wants to do the same for her parents. The problem is wig the desi mentality that somehow his parents need more care than hers is what's putting a lot us in depression. There are atleast 5 ladies in this thread that said they worry about their parents wellfair because they are all sisters. They should not have to worry at all! Guys don't have to worry about it because they are getting a wife and Caretaker for their parents. You don't se anything wrong with this picture?
Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents
You use words like "gunah" and are trying to portray a religious context. You would do anything for your parents as you love them very much, yet you cannot find it in your heart to love the parents of your husband. His parents are not part of your job description, they never were. If you do anything thing for them then you are doing them a favour.
I cannot reconcile the love in your heart for one set of parents and the indifference towards the other set of parents. What religion states that you should only love your parents only and be indifferent to the rest of humanity?
If the difference between your parents and your inlaws is nothing arshad, then go live with your inlaws.
I fail to see the logic or academic knowledge in your posts when most of them are limited by "dogmatic hindu customs"...lets face it.
My parents gave birth to me, raised me and gave me the life I have today. His parents did not. What I do for mine is not to be compared with anyone else because its a right they have over me. No one else has that right or can claim me the way they can.
When people are born, their birth certificate has their parents' names on it. Not their inlaws.
Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents
You have stated what taking care of parents mean. I accept that and we who practice "dogmatic hindu customs" also respect and help out parents of the wife as much as we can. So how is that different from Islam? and please give me some quotes from the Quran. Where have I stated that you are calling me non-muslim?
You did use Islam to justify your view. You stated that we should align our thought processes with Islam rather than "dogmatic hindu customs". What this means if you didn't know, is that what the rest of us are practising is against Islam and we are wrong and should mend our ways.
Tell me where in Islam it states that you take care of your parents only and remain indifferent to the parents of your husband?
Since you are losing the argument you seem to be getting annoyed, but I do like an angry woman!
Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents
[quote="cherryontop"]
Isn't it weird that India and Pakistan are the only countries where this practice is preached and promoted and every other country shuns such backwards thinking?
Would love to know arshad's answer to this..
[/QUOTE]
Italians!
Was it Tony (Sopranos) who wanted his mom to move in and she was too stuborn? Or did Tony blame Carmela for not wanting to live with his mom OR did he secretly not want mom in his house?
Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents
You just don't get it, do you? This thread was never about joint family systems or the ability of a girl to take care of her in-laws. It was about the ability of a girl to take care of her parents once she is married.
Did the Pew Research Center indicate if these Americans were living with the guy's parents or the girl's parents? Living with the parents was never an issue....the issue was this constant emphasis that the couple is only obligated to live with the guy's parents and has no responsibility toward the girl's parents unless 'exceptional circumstances' apply!
Even if you say 50/50 that is still 25 milion people. So tell me how you want to take care of your parents that goes beyond how most married daughters in our "dogmatic hindu custom" take care of their parents?
Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents
If the difference between your parents and your inlaws is nothing arshad, then go live with your inlaws.
I fail to see the logic or academic knowledge in your posts when most of them are limited by "dogmatic hindu customs"...lets face it.
My parents gave birth to me, raised me and gave me the life I have today. His parents did not. What I do for mine is not to be compared with anyone else because its a right they have over me. No one else has that right or can claim me the way they can.
When people are born, their birth certificate has their parents' names on it. Not their inlaws.
I am too proud, so I won't ever live with my in-laws. That does not mean that I live with my parents as well. But custom is custom and if I did move in with my parents or they visit her then I would expect my wife to look after them the same way that she treated her own parents. My parents also treat my wife as a daughter rather than a daughter-in-law. They show the daughter-in-laws more love than their own daughters. This is true enlightenment, and not your and Cherryontop's sort of enlightenment.
Let me repeat my earlier statement, I cannot reconcile the love in your heart for one set of parents and the indifference towards the other set of parents. What religion states that you should only love your parents only and be indifferent to the rest of humanity?
Re: How do “married off” daughters take care of their parents
Who are you talking to here? I am not angry at all actually…just know for a fact that I am right in every way.
I dont think anyone with common sense would be indifferent to their spouse’s parents. 
What I disagree with is the imposition of inlaws on a person’s lifestyle with the idea that its mandatory.
Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents
I am too proud, so I won't ever live with my in-laws. That does not mean that I live with my parents as well. But custom is custom and if I did move in with my parents or they visit her then I would expect my wife to look after them the same way that she treated her own parents. My parents also treat my wife as a daughter rather than a daughter-in-law. They show the daughter-in-laws more love than their own daughters. This is true enlightenment, and not your and Cherryontop's sort of enlightenment.
Let me repeat my earlier statement, I cannot reconcile the love in your heart for one set of parents and the indifference towards the other set of parents. What religion states that you should only love your parents only and be indifferent to the rest of humanity?
With the understanding that you will also be doing the same and extending the same courtesy.
Re: How do “married off” daughters take care of their parents
Sorry…that was for Cherryontop:D
Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents
With the understanding that you will also be doing the same and extending the same courtesy.
Well there is no understanding between us on how I will treat her parents or a quid pro quo. However since I am nice guy and have my heart in the right place, I treat everyone with respect and love.
Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents
Arshad. Just because it's part of our culture doesn't make it fair or right! No wonder our women are depressed and delusional! so far you have only looked at this issue from your own perspective, and then you say you are too proud to stay at your inlaws. This statement shows this custoM is not about values or taking care of pare ts, it's about handing off your responsibilities to a woman. Cowards! Irresponsible men....
Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents
You have stated what taking care of parents mean. I accept that and we who practice "dogmatic hindu customs" also respect and help out parents of the wife as much as we can. So how is that different from Islam? and please give me some quotes from the Quran. Where have I stated that you are calling me non-muslim?
You did use Islam to justify your view. You stated that we should align our thought processes with Islam rather than "dogmatic hindu customs". What this means if you didn't know, is that what the rest of us are practising is against Islam and we are wrong and should mend our ways.
Tell me where in Islam it states that you take care of your parents only and remain indifferent to the parents of your husband?
Since you are losing the argument you seem to be getting annoyed, but I do like an angry woman!
Dogmatic hindu customs: expecting a women to give priority to her in-laws over her parents when she is married. YOU yourself mentioned that a girl's parents are not her and the son in law's responsibility when she is married but the guy's parents are always a son and a daughter in law's responsibility. I am sorry but that in NO way is compatible with Islam. For the millionth time, Islam has given the responsibility to both sons and daughters for taking care of their parents...it has never differentiated between the two when it easily could have done so.
When I mentioned that we need to align our though processes with our religion I meant we should not be using our religion to validate our views that are only cultural and have nothing to do with religion. Someone posted that in the Quran, the mother is a son's first priority while the man is the wife's priority. NO where in the Quran does it say that and that's why I made that statement.
WHERE did I say that Islam requires you to be indifferent towards your husband's parents?! My whole point was to be fair to BOTH parents and treat them equally! Have you looked into ESL classes?
Also I could care less about 'losing' an argument with you whatever that implies. If winning some 'argument' on some random firm strokes your fragile ego, so be it!
Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents
I do visit the in-laws and perhaps stay for upto a week, by staying I mean that I won't live with them. Why would you want me to stay with my in-laws? What are my responsibilities and what are my wife's responsibilities?
I am not sure what you are on about?
Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents
Arshad, i am not muslim and I can Say this in your face that it's this hindu custom that has led to our people murdering female infants because they don't gain anything from keeping them alive. They are a burden to the parents. What's there to proud of? You are sick if things like that make you proud!
Yeah, if this was about values and not your ego, you would have no issue living at your inlaws and taking care of them. They are parents too right?
Re: How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents
Dogmatic hindu customs: expecting a women to give priority to her in-laws over her parents when she is married. YOU yourself mentioned that a girl's parents are not her and the son in law's responsibility when she is married but the guy's parents are always a son and a daughter in law's responsibility. I am sorry but that in NO way is compatible with Islam. For the millionth time, Islam has given the responsibility to both sons and daughters for taking care of their parents...it has never differentiated between the two when it easily could have done so.
When I mentioned that we need to align our though processes with our religion I meant we should not be using our religion to validate our views that are only cultural and have nothing to do with religion. Someone posted that in the Quran, the mother is a son's first priority while the man is the wife's priority. NO where in the Quran does it say that and that's why I made that statement.
WHERE did I say that Islam requires you to be indifferent towards your husband's parents?! My whole point was to be fair to BOTH parents and treat them equally! Have you looked into ESL classes?
Also I could care less about 'losing' an argument with you whatever that implies. If winning some 'argument' on some random firm strokes your fragile ego, so be it!
For the millionth time can you give me some quotes directly from the Quran.