Talking to my dad is pointless, he himself is at a point of age where he needs to rest and not take any mental stress or feel guilty.
You feel badly for your mother - you see her cry in private over how she is treated. and you know your father (and brother) are responsible for this. You have said you are not afraid to speak your mind.
But you are not willing to have a heart to heart talk with your father about this very important issue. We all have blind spots. Maybe your father does not realize the hurt he is causing your mother. It would not hurt to gently let him know that even though he may not mean to, your mother gets hurt by his attitude (you can choose nices words, but you get the drift). This much you can do for your mother.
But beyond that...try to push her in a direction where she can make a little bit of money for herself. There are lots of ways. I see women doing things to get a little bit of spending money while the kids are home ALL the time.
They sell AVON, Mary Kay, catering, sewing, sell clothes, tutoring, teaching Qur'an, babysitting, etc etc etc. There are endless possibilities if you really put your mind to it.
Someone mentioned something about self-worth. Its true! She needs to know she is worth more. You can do this for her...it may be too late for her marriage to change. But its not too late for her life to change...she has you.
I guess I'm one of the lucky few who gets to spend freely being a housewife and all. My husband is very open minded and never wants me to ask him for money...but i always do and never want to hurt his confidence in turn. I think it has to do with how you've been raised.
Lil ash, I think what you can do is have a conversation with your dad. Tell him how you feel. Growing up, I remember once that my dadi did something mean to my mom, and while my mother totally overlooked it, my sis and I went up to dad and brought it to his attention. My dad took care of it and till date, mom has no idea how that matter got resolved.
You be the change your family might need at this time.
Thanks guys, I have had a talk with my dad a few times before and it is no help, so I no longer bring it up anymore as it only causes more issues. I don't want to bother with my brother, he has a wife to take care of, and if he really doesn't realize it after seeing her situation all these years than I'm afraid my talk will only add bitterness. Giving mom the idea of earning money is pointless, I've suggested it before and she wasn't too keen on it, shes busy with house chores all day, and I felt that she felt a little demeaned that she has to do all that to earn money when her husband and son have a decent earning, and honestly, she doesn't care for the money, at-least not anymore. Its the fact that she should be taken care of regardless of her asking/wanting, with dignity. I think I've given up on the men of my house, once I get a decent job I will give her an allowance, my sisters do shower her with presents and stuff already. I just hope and pray that my dad and brother realize that she is very important and her needs/wants should be respected and taken care of.
Hope things get better. Feel terrible for your Mom. Keep doing your best to make her feel good, helping her out however you are able to. I think you're doin great so far.
Thanks guys, I have had a talk with my dad a few times before and it is no help, so I no longer bring it up anymore as it only causes more issues. I don't want to bother with my brother, he has a wife to take care of, and if he really doesn't realize it after seeing her situation all these years than I'm afraid my talk will only add bitterness. Giving mom the idea of earning money is pointless, I've suggested it before and she wasn't too keen on it, shes busy with house chores all day, and I felt that she felt a little demeaned that she has to do all that to earn money when her husband and son have a decent earning, and honestly, she doesn't care for the money, at-least not anymore. Its the fact that she should be taken care of regardless of her asking/wanting, with dignity. I think I've given up on the men of my house, once I get a decent job I will give her an allowance, my sisters do shower her with presents and stuff already. I just hope and pray that my dad and brother realize that she is very important and her needs/wants should be respected and taken care of.
I can understand.
I think someone does need to deliver a few lessons though because she shouldn't feel bad about asking for money for her medications. That is her right. Your brother/father should be on top of that.
Thankfully mu father is quite the opposite. He doesn't question my mum where she spends but having said that she doesn't shop like crazy. I am aware of the fact that not everyone is the same and this is why I would work even after i'm married just so I don't have to rely on someone else for everything. I think you and your sisters should try talking to your father. Maybe the more people speak to him, it might be impactful? Questioning and then lecturing is a bit demeaning for her everytime she wants money.
Why doesn’t she have joint account all the couples here have joint
accounts so wife dont have to ask. She should write all the crap she buys for
family and tell him to go buy if he gonna ask every time what she buying.
Hmmm but it seems your mom is traditional and pushed over easily so she probably
won’t be doing that...
My mom opposite she gets mad at my dad if he question her too much, he don’t
question much though only when he don’t have much cash on him or was planning
to use it for something else plus my mom spells out for him what she wants,
Also he really doesn’t care, she has her needs and he works for her and
supporting his family not for himself, maybe your dad needs to realize he's
being kind of selfish with his money, i mean money is money, it’s better not to
be stingy.
Though my mom has a joint account she doesn’t like using credit card she prefers
cash.
However reality of the situation is nothing may change but you never know until
you try. Eh:P
My dad gives my mom an allowance, but in that allowance I think she had to work to pay for the household and us and our expenses, so her needs always came last. At some point, she decided to go get a job, and good for her; now she has a little income for herself and she doesn't need to seek it out from my dad, but in all honesty, he didn't make much to begin with and didn't have much to give to her.
This is definitely a huge problem; it creates depedence, and in some households women will even put up with abuse, cuz they have no other financial means to support themselves.
Men who make their women feel bad about asking for money - laanat hai on them, seriously.
lil-ash - looks like you are doing everything possible. Your mother has raised you well !
you indicated your sisters shower her with presents etc. So it appears they have some financial independence - is it possible for them to give your mother some cash (not make it obvious - but just give some cash to her casually)so your mother can have her dignity back?
^ they do actually when they are around, but they don't live in the same city/state as us so it isn't always possible. But whenever they visit or we visit them, they do, but obviously giving too much would make my mom feel awkward. And I was not bothered/offended by your previous post, I take and respect every suggestion/thought given sincerely. :)
lil-ash I just felt you’re talking about my parents and brother my husband is almost the same as well and so is almost every man in my family. I actually used to get surprised to read here about other ways of managing accounts(joint account,etc) because honestly I never imagined any other way except than what I have always seen around me I have many customers ordering outfits on a regular basis from me and I know they are housewives and I just keep wondering they have great husbands maybe and how do they ask their men for money for their shopping every other week? I actually feel good to see all women are not treated they way I always thought is “universal”! As for men of my family, like my mom says “meri tau zindagi guzar gyee hai jaisi marzi…yeh loag khudi Allah ko jawaab dayngay ja kay” which is true but not the right attitude but I know unlike your mom,she has had countless discussions and arguments with dad that feels humiliating asking for money for even getting 10rs ki cheez but she’s given up now I guess. She has worked most of her life but quit job few years back so I think it’s even worse if a once independent person has to face such issues later in life. And for someone saying men follow their dads, I totally agree. Sigh!
Unfortunately all too common a situation in our culture and in most cases it's all about control and having an upper hand in the relationship and at home. Since a friend of mine was guilty of the above and only understood the language of numbers, once I casually mentioned to him the cost of daycares, after school programs, take outs or eating out, babysitters, maid service etc. that working couples had to worry about and said he is saving quite a bundle with his wife helping him out with all of the above by single handedly taking care of it all, lucky him, hope he is appreciating
that. He looked dumbfounded for a second as if it had never occurred to him that housewives are actually contributing anything to the finances or savings by staying home and sharing
the load. Try something along the same lines instead of a direct accusation.
Its not just Japan but other Asian countries as well. Women are good at managing finances, budgeting and such. They don't trust their husbands lol because they tend to be selfish and don't think of other people while wives think of the whole family and budget for the future.
Theres a chinese tradition where the wife hides money (hidden account and such) so in case of emergency they'll have some money to use.
Your brother is definitely at fault here. If he is earning, he should be treating your mom to dinners at nice restaurants, presents, etc. at least once in a while but if he is not willing to even spare a few dollars for medicine for his own mother without showing attitude then that is just pathetic to say the least. Ideally he should be taken to task but if he is the stubborn kind who is unlikely to change his ways then talking to him might be futile and could further upset your mom if she gets to know that you talked to him on her behalf.
As for your dad, maybe he doesn't find anything odd in objecting to your mom's requests for money because he grew up seeing that in his household, or perhaps initially finances were tight so it became a habit to ask for explanations every time your mom would ask for money in the past and perhaps that habit struck? Perhaps he doesn't give your mom an "allowance" because he thinks she doesn't really care for it and has no 'needs' of her own for which she would she would spend extra money? I think you should consider talking to your dad about either giving your mom an "allowance" or not objecting every time your mom asks for money. Your tone should not be harsh or accusatory but try to be your usual self when talking to him. Be friendly and gently remind him of all the invaluable contributions of your mom to your household, for which she needs appreciation and at least some money to spend as she sees fits. Hopefully your dad is not deliberately being mean toward your mom so he would listen to you. Good luck!
I don't think much can be done about your parent's situation. Your brother needs to change though. Things were somewhat like that in my family too. My mom worked though but my parents never really had much to spend on themselves. My dad was always the one who kept track of finances. My mom had to ask for money once she left her job and decided to be a housewife. My dad would take her shopping but she never had money of her own, just whatever little my dad gave her. But again, my dad couldn't give her a lot. Now however when my dad makes reasonable income and has almost no responsibilites of kids, my mom has her own credit card (joint account with my dad). We have seen our mom sacrifice a lot for us too but we kids (unlike your brother), send her money, buy her gifts that is all hers. Although she never asks for it but we know that she never had what we have today so we have to take care of her too.
Like Niksik, I am free to spend my husband's income on whatever I want. No questions asked. We have joint account so I know my husband can see where I spend but he never asks and always says that I am a very sensible spender.
my husband is almost the same as well and so is almost every man in my family. I actually used to get surprised to read here about other ways of managing accounts(joint account,etc) because honestly I never imagined any other way except than what I have always seen around me 
I have many customers ordering outfits on a regular basis from me and I know they are housewives and I just keep wondering they have great husbands maybe and how do they ask their men for money for their shopping every other week? I actually feel good to see all women are not treated they way I always thought is “universal”! As for men of my family, like my mom says “meri tau zindagi guzar gyee hai jaisi marzi…yeh loag khudi Allah ko jawaab dayngay ja kay” which is true but not the right attitude but I know unlike your mom,she has had countless discussions and arguments with dad that feels humiliating asking for money for even getting 10rs ki cheez but she’s given up now I guess. She has worked most of her life but quit job few years back so I think it’s even worse if a once independent person has to face such issues later in life. And for someone saying men follow their dads, I totally agree. Sigh!