I agree one should work on their appearance, personality, attitude…in short, aim for your best. HOWEVER that should not be the aim just to get married and after marriage i see these same girls turn into bhainse. No offence but if you do things for a wrong reason it is never going to be for long term.
AND yes a fat person can reduce! A person can groom their self but what about say someone short? Woh nakli taangien laga le? What about someone dark? Woh fair & lovely ki factory khred le! there is only so much one can do. The funny thing is when the guys family is wanting a hoot when their own son is a langoor. I mean what bloody double standards.
so what do you suggest someone who keeps getting rejected for being too dark, or too big a nose, or simply being unattractive do? Should they get plastic surgery and bleach their skin to make themselves into someone society will accept?
^“You do something about it” doesn’t necessarily have to be about a person changing their appearance for others.. Beauty is such a subjective thing it’s not difficult to find a person who finds a certain feature attractive that another person might not..
I think Reha just means people should be more proactive..
Not at all. That’s actually quite extreme and I am not sure why we only speak in extremes when these topics come up.
But do what you can…make yourself a desirable candidate…is mein izzat kam nahin hoti hai kisi ki.
Work out, take care of yourself, look good, put your best foot forward, show maturity, make an effort…don’t expect someone who barely knows you to marry you for your “inner beauty” because they have no idea of it yet.
These ideas are not your run of the mill stuff where you will hear things like “its okay, you’ll find someone” or “screw him…he was a jerk anyway” or “everything is going wrong because he’s so insecure”. I don’t do that because it keeps girls delusional. Self reflection is good…is there something you can fix? Yes? Well then let’s do it.
the bechari attitude comes from a lack of self esteem and self confidence. Girls who are truly secure and confident don’t get fazed by rejections on their looks or their personalities. And they’re generally cognizant of their flaws, are comfortable with them and willing to accept the consequences.
Yes the world is harsh, in reality, the better looking you are the better chance you have of finding a good spouse. And yes girls should be proactiv, but there’s a lot of overweight girls out there, who have no excuse to be overweight other than they’re not willing to put the effort in to exercise and eat well, fine. They might even accept that because of this they’re not going to find what they might consider a good catch and have to compromise on a lot of aspects. Where society and men come into play is when an overweight guy can demand that he wants a beautiful, slim girl and he gets it. Or a dark as night dude insists on having a fair beautiful girl and he gets that too. Again the reason for this… girls are taught to compromise, guys aren’t. The double standard is where the problem lies. If a girl is expected to go out there and be proactiv and do whatever she can to get a good catch, a guy should have to do that too. But there is immense pressure on girls in society vs. men. I mean I’m just talking about looks here but it applies to personality too, there are many guys out there who think girls shouldn’t be too smart or shouldn’t be involved in finances or whatever.
I don’t think girls should have a bechari attitude at all, but in order to prevent that they need to stop being told that they need to look good, behave a certain way, do certain things, just so that they can get a guy. They need to be taught that there’s more to life than that. I was lucky that I grew up away from the environment but I remember being as young as 11 and spending time with cousins or friends and mums constantly ragging on their daughters about don’t do that, what will people think, you’ll never be a good wife. This kind of attitude is responsible for why girls fall into desperation when they can’t get married for whatever reason, and its rarely as simple as she didn’t work on her own looks and personality and take the necessary steps to attract a guy.
If a slim girl is willing to marry a overweight guy, who are you or anyone else to say that it’s somehow wrong? I know plenty of girls who are skinny but CHOOSE to date/marry a guy who’s far from being in shape.
My husband is easily 4-5 shades darker than me. I CHOSE to marry him and his skin color has never bothered me. So again…why the assumption that every girl marrying a guy significantly darker than her is compromising or somehow marrying beneath her?
And besides, if a Pakistani girl is having such a hard time find a Pakistani groom for whatever reason, why not consider non-Pakistani Muslims? Many Pakistani men don’t seem to have an issue with marrying a non-Pakistani girl. Allah made it halal for us to marry Muslims period…regardless of race. If a Pakistani girl is really having such a hard time find a Pakistani groom…yet refuses to look outside the Pakistani community despite it being permissible in Islam…then who is really to be blamed for her still remaining single? The same girls who complain about the Pakistani double standards, how unfair/biased the community is etc. would rather stay single and whine about how unfair society is…rather than marrying a non-Pakistani and moving on with their life. So again…boils down to them making that choice and not exploring EVERY option available to them in terms of finding a “normal” and “nice” guy.
I’m not saying they all don’t have a choice, obviously there are all kinds of people in this world and people choose whatever is important to them. But a lot of girls don’t feel they have an option, they feel forced into a choice. That’s where I’m saying there’s a problem. I was using skin colour and size as examples, like I already mentioned those aren’t the only issues. My husband is way darker than me as well, it wasn’t a concern for me either. And I’m not assuming these girls are compromising, I’m using examples from my experience, of girls who did have these concerns, obviously I’m not speaking for the whole muslim Pakistani population.
And yes, these girls do make the choice to maybe not pursue a non pakistani muslim guy but again it’s not that simple. A lot of girls parent’s wouldn’t allow it which means they’d have to look themselves, some of these girls are barely allowed to leave the house let alone interact with guys who are non-pakistani. A lot of communities marry within themselves, I grew up with arabs, and a lot of them would never consider marrying non-arabs either. Again not saying these options don’t exist, but if girls are limited in where they can go and who they can talk to it makes things difficult.
Basically then the only solution for these girls is to have the balls to stand up to their parents and demand their freedom. I guess this is a choice they make to not do this. But I can only assume that it must not be easy to make that choice, otherwise why wouldn’t they do whatever they could to find their life partners especially if it was something they wanted so desperately.
At the end of the day everyone is technically accountable for all the choices they make in their personal lives regardless of what the problems are. You can blame the individual only for making that choice or you can dig a little deeper to understand the other external factors that contribute to the individual making that choice, In some cases the individual will be completely to blame and in others not so much.
As an example my aunt chose to put up with all sorts of emotional abuse from her in-laws. Is it her fault for making that choice, technically yes but she also grew up in a time when that was expected and no one would support her or encourage her for walking away from a marriage just for that reason, including her own parents.
If a girl chose to delay marriage well into her 30’s in order to pursue higher education/career, then she has already gone against Pakistani community norms. If they managed to go through MBA or law school or entire med school/residency/fellowship route…then they are certainly allowed to go outside of the house for long hours. In fact, many of these girls may even be living separately from their parents so its not like the parents are keeping tabs on their daily activities. This thread certainly isn’t about 21 year old’s who have barely graduated college and are home by sunset. We’re talking about grown women with graduate level degree who chose to pursue a fulfilling full-time career.
I am not saying it’s a easy choice…but this choice does exist. If a girl (or her parents) would rather she stay single than consider the option of marrying a non-Pakistani Muslim…then that really is up to them no? They don’t want to stand up to their parents OR go against their “want” of wanting to marry a Pakistani guy…yet they want other Pakistani families to change how they choose a bride…does that seem logical to you?
Its just like Reha said…you want something…then go get it. Single women in their 30’s who delayed marriage to pursue education/career that wants a nice/normal/educated/U.S. citizen/no accent/in shape/someone who will treat her as equal type of guy to marry and have kids with…instead of wasting precious months/years whining about the double standards…they need to find that man (even if he’s not Pakistani), marry him, and live their life. You (I don’t mean YOU but single women in their 30’s in general) have issues with standing up to their parents or for some reason refuse to look for a guy on their own outside the Pakistani community…then they need to accept their own choice & realize their limiting themselves.
P.S. If a woman’s parents would prefer her to remain single her entire life rather than being ok with her marrying a non-Pakistani Muslim guy…then why don’t these women start with changing the views/attitudes of their own parents rather than telling the guys families how they should do things? B/C in this situation…it’s the girl’s own parents that are preventing her from exploring all her halal options.
ok then I don’t know very many girls in this category, I have not come across many independent, professional girls who chose not to get married, even under parents pressure, who now sit around whining about not finding someone to get married to. They’re far too busy with their own professional and social lives to focus on just that aspect of life, so I can agree with you there.
^ Unless I totally misunderstood the earlier posts…I got the impression we’re talking about females who are close to 30 or already well into their 30’s (the depressed girl in OPs initial post is 34-35). Even in that case of the depressed girl…if her parents are still not willing to consider non-Pakistani guys to her and/or are not encouraging her to start looking on her own outside the Pakistani community…then it really is ridiculous to sit there and complain about the guys families (as she continues to get older each year).
And speaking of women who would like to get married but is not letting that control their life b/c they do have a professional/social life to focus on that’s fulfilling…again, that is also up to the girl’s parents in how they raised/educated her, and encouraged her to be social instead of keeping her sheltered and inside the house all her life. I do agree that there are double standards in our society but before we start pointing fingers at the guys/their families and demand they change how they do things, its important to look within ourselves (ie. the girl’s parents) on what they’re doing that they’re girls are becoming mentally unstable/severely depressed due to not having a husband (ie. why don’t these girls have a professional career/large social circle/hobbies to keep their schedule packed).
^ agreed, I wasn’t saying its the fault of the guys families only, I meant society in general and that includes the girls parents as well.
My mum got hassled when we were kids and she would make my brother do the same chores as me, when she sent me to the same private school as my brother they questioned her, when she gave my brother and I the same curfew, when I moved away on my own for university, when i chose to work full time after getting married, etc. At every step, people have talked about every move my mother makes regarding my upbringing and she obviously ignored it but it’s even ridiculous that she has to hear that stuff. Simply because I happen to be a girl and am therefore expected to behave a certain way in life.
I know the double standard exists and has for a while but it’s not like this mentality can’t be changed. A couple of generations ago, girls weren’t even educated and thats not so much the case anymore.
This is where I feel we need to question society for the bogus expectations they place on girls and their families, and girls parents are obviously partially responsible for that. But at the same time, my mother stood up for what she thought was right but it wasn’t easy, I’m sure if instead of having 20 people telling her she was wrong at every step of the way if she had had 20 people encouraging her for doing all the right things, it would have made her life a lot easier. The same way if society can step up and tell girls of these parents, that hey there’s nothing wrong with marrying a non-pakistani muslim, or let her finish school, her education is important, etc. and not just your girl needs to learn how to be a good wife first and foremost, we’d be looking at a different group of girls. And similarly if guys parents are pressured to recognise that there’s nothing wrong with considering a 26 year old girl who’s finished her bachelors and masters vs. a 22 year old, they too would be more open to those considerations. Not taking personal preference for certain characteristics into account of course.
