Hope for single ladies

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Hope for single ladies

Ok guys i made this topic to find hope and some inspirational stuff which i could pass on to them. I have learnt few points from here not only for them but for myself to consider too. There is no doubt that one has to pay a price for their priorities. If for someone its to be highly educated, the price could be getting married at a relatively older age hence having a smaller pool of prospects to choose from. And that is ok!

If someone is a straightforward kind of person, can’t mince their words around and hence may be taken as a rude person…that is ok too. At the end of the day if we know we are doing our part right, most importantly that our intentions are clear we should be ok. Moments and even periods of self doubt are ok one just hopes such people find the positve people around to bring you back to the reality.

Everyone does or atleast tries to do what is best for them. This mentality that oh they can do better can at times annoy me though it might be right. It’s like telling a divorced person oh you could have tried harder. Things are easier said than done! How would you know how much they have tried or not? Do they have to show physical wounds to be illegible to want out? I doesnt make sense to me.

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The double standards in the Pakistani community will change eventually. But it will take decades. The girls who are currently in their 30’s……this mentality will not change fast enough to do them any good. But I firmly believe that 30/40/50 years from now things will be very different and many of these double standards will disappear (and of course be replaced with new problems lol).

It wasn’t easy for your mother but she did it anyway b/c that’s what she believed in. That’s the thing when a group of people (ie. girls who are having a very hard time finding spouse within the Pakistani community in this case) are trying to change how society does things. Although this is a extreme example….think back to decades ago when black people were fighting for their rights to get rid of segregation etc……even right now homosexuals fighting for their rights (which has come a long way since the 90’s & far from being over).

Anytime there is a group of people within a community that wants to change things…they MUST take the first step. Its them who needs to “step up” instead of waiting for society b/c society in general does not have any issues with how things are currently being done. Its not easy and can create backlash and make their lives very difficult…..but for people who are truly passionate in changing society’s views on something….that risk is part of the package.

P.S. I did not mean to apply that you specifically were blaming the guys side for these problems…but that is an impression I get this topic gets discussed. Often the focus gets shifted on how unfair/selfish/unreasonable the guy/his family is, and how they need to change their expectations (even though they don’t have any problem finding the type of girls they’re seeking!). Rarely do we discuss what the girl/her parents are doing wrong OR what options are available to them that they are choosing not to take.

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The main issue is that these girls become bitter about the younger one who gets engaged.

I am experiencing it myself.

I chose to let go many of my wishes and accepted my cousin from Pakistan because he was a good person at heart. MA i am now glad i decided to consider him because i discovered the side of him that was actually what i was looking for in a partner but was not apparent in him in the beginning ..such as modern thinking, no interference from family accepted, moderate Islamic view and a good communicator. I am now extremely pleased with my relationship MA but my elder sister is bitter and upset that my parents mention to their friends that it is the younger daughter that is getting married. She has asked us to stop talking about my wedding, she does not take part in any of the planning and i cannot express myself in front of her regarding my relationship or upcoming wedding because it upsets her. And this makes me feel guilty all the time.

During the past two years of my engagement , she MA got 8 rishtas, but refused all in first meeting as it isn’t what she is looking for. Now the blame is on my parents that they don’t know anyone decent and the blame on me is that the fact that I accepted a ‘freshy’, as she calls him, has made her life hard and has attracted many non british born to send rishtas.

Although i understand her decision to wait for her type of guy, I dont think she should hold anyone responsible for being single at 29+! If her decision is right, then why not live happily and wait for whatever best Allah kept for her.　I have noticed that many unmarried girls age d 28+ , are bitter in some ways. Just look at the posts in this forum, it is always a complain about the rishtas they get! Why a freshy, why a mummy’s boy, why a student , why this and that! 　As far as I know, no one owe us girls to send a rishta. They do it because they thought you were a good girl…now it is a different story if you don’t find them good boys.

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My husband is not only lighter than me but also a very fit guy. I was slim but not slimmer than him.

This is my point…simply put.

In a divorce, there are two parties upon whom the outlook will depend. So some part of it is not really in your control.

In this, not so much. You have complete control over yourself…unless of course you don’t want it or you’ve been raised to believe you don’t.

There’s no scale, no meter to measure how much a person has tried or not. No one is going to check up on these girls to see how hard they’ve tried and I don’t think I am dying to know about it either.

As someone who’s been on both sides though, its hard for me to just blame society in general and call it a day. As if nothing can be done about it and girls have no hope and are destined to be depressed and lonely. That is a cop out. Its also a choice they make as hard as it may be to believe.

I don’t believe in helplessness…sure there are times of sadness but you have to get over it. Why do girls like to be pitied? When I was divorced and single, I hated pity. Where is the self respect? Hum bebass hein, majboor hein, lachaar hein, koi humse pleeease akay shaadi karlo, etc.

What would you like for someone to say to these girls? That nothing is in their control? Yes, there is a big bad wolf called society making their lives miserable and they cannot do a thing about it? Would that be more productive? Or would that simply give a girl the warm and fuzzy feeling that yes…she is indeed a victim?

Or would you rather give someone hope and motivation?

I could say all that but it doesn’t change the facts.

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nahi you are right! Getting into the depressed mode and not getting out of it is not going to help. I want to give these people hope and motivation while not being biased to them or society.

My point is just that society is responsible for putting them into the depression! Log ajeeb hai. I gave example of divorce because i recently heard of such a case. I mean i doubt koi bhi aisa insaan hoga who is happy to take a divorce. There are circumstances which push people towards it and its our right in Islam but this society is so cruel they still can’t shut up talking ill about divorced people. Or make assumptions that i bet she didn’t try so much. And i wonder why its always SHE who gets more flak.

So its the mindset of society where the the females are always put at pressure.

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The pool of non/Pakistani Muslims is very small. Dating a non muslim in hopes he will convert - huge waste of time. It does happen but much more rarely. Non-Pakistani muslim guys would include converts = have you met these people? A lot of them are way too strict and extreme because they got converted from some rabid mullah who is angry at tight jeans because he prolly can’t fit in them.

I’ve met lots of converts. I cannot think of one normal one. On the other hand I dunno why but the convert girls aren’t so extreme. And the ones who marry Pakistanis..like the gorian…let’s be real. Some may be genuine but some are gold diggers. A qualified desi guy who makes a proper paycheck can get a white girl easily. And he can show off to his friends and since desi guys often aren’t as traditional (most I know don’t know Urdu) it works out better for them in lifestyle.

A lot of my doctor guy friends married Goris. Like a lot. Because it was a status thing for them. And some have converted some have not. One married a drop dead gorgeous Hindu girl.

Marriages the other way around are far more rare. Just have up on one guy on half our deen who thinks it’s improper to talk to a girl on the phone because it breaks hijab.

He is white and grew up in a Christian household. I’m like…no that’s not haram buddy.

Like someone said earlier. Easier said than done. I know myself and girls like me looking in their 30’s and it’s not like we are not trying. We work out nearly daily, we watch what we eat, we put effort into our looks, we network with friends, our profiles are all over the net, we go to rishta events, parents are taking to everyone etc.

My bestie from grad school years - married a gora at the end she luckily found at a local masjid. He is normal actually and converted when he was posted in Iraq. But her mom was a rishta Aunty and she couldn’t find a match for her daughter. Her younger sister is pretty a socialite, bachelors only educated, not a threatening professional like a plastic surgeon or lawyer and she got picked out in 2 min at ISNA.

Why? Cuz she is the perceived lower maintenance option - not as educated, doesn’t work, twirls her hair around her fingers and pops bubble gum.

Surprisingly it’s my doctor friend that is the low maintenance one. Her pretty sister is running a bill up her husbands behind, he has to work extra to keep up.

Plenty of other examples, mostly docs, of females that are pretty and nice and still single. Docs because they spend their 20’s in training.

And it does fall back on society to an extent. Any girl who married before her education is complete often is made to give it up. I know countless of training docs that had to abandon their career after marriage. They couldn’t finish their steps because MiL won’t let her. MANY such stories. In fact there are stats in this from Pakistani medical colleges and even the APPNA president addressed this issue this time. So for those of us who waited to complete long training, it was because our moms were afraid to marry us off in that stressful period in our lives. I chose to out off marriage in residency because year one I had no time to pee doing 30 he shifts and breaking hours with 100-120 hr work weeks. I couldn’t make ISNA and other events - couldn’t keep my head straight to know when they even were. Then in the remaining of residency I had multiple personal problems I don’t think it would have been healthy to marry at the time. Some residency programs told us their divorce rate. It’s not pretty. Residency is a hard time so many decide to delay marriage including guys. The guys who were married to desi girls in residency told us not to get married - too hard to juggle the demands of a wife and work. How do you think juggling demands of a husband would have been? They want more from you.

I can’t marry most of the guys out there. Their moms want me to stop working or go part time or they expect I’ll be home by 5 pm on the dot. Doesn’t work like that.

My sister is a lawyer - she comes home at 10 and works sometimes even on weekends. Law school was so bad she lost like 20 lbs and looked like she had an eating disorder.

I mean you people talk but half of you haven’t been through what we girls have and even if you did education in Pakistan…challenges here are much harder. You end up with school debt too - that drives some guys away. And mentally with the amount of mental stamina your college/grad school etc demands it’s not easy to be a wife and a working woman. Yes if you has a nice tidy 9-5 job maybe, but I don’t have that schedule and so I require a guy and family that will be supportive. It’s not my fault that is less common - society has chosen to be less supportive of girls.

So let’s stop blaming the girls for everything. It really does lead to depression. I’m pretty sure if I stopped comin to GS , 90% of my pareshanian would go away. The doomsday scare I get from you guys not even from the desis in my real life.

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Oh look…an article that reminded of of threads like this. Some gems from the article:

“Now the women have made an appeal to bring more single men to the town. But there’s one caveat: Men have to follow their rules. OK, that shouldn’t be too hard to do. But the truth is that any incoming men have to follow all the guidelines that the women created, from town planning to farming, religion, and more.”

“We all dream of falling in love and getting married. But we like living here and don’t want to have to leave the town to find a husband.”

Brazilian Town Run by Women Is Looking for a Few Good (Single) Men

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Us ke upar se if I show you the lovely options I’ve attracted, and offer them to you girls or your sisters or your cousins, you will say hell no.

Yet, you will point fingers to us girls and say we are not being appreciative and we should take these offers. Wah wah.

Typical desi thought. Let us eat kababs and naan and biryani while the working class eats kat a kat made from cardboard and beans and made on the footpaths of Karachi.

:k:

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This is true. So instead of complaining about your bitter sister which is kinda mean, why not try to help her find some good options in the community? Maybe your soon to be husband can help too.

Why am I the one teaching to see people the glass half full?

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This is gold.

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I will be going to my cousins wedding soon. My cousin is about 26 or 27. He is a moron. It took him 5 or 6 years to complete school. Just to get a bachelors. He started with community college, then I think he might have gone to a university to finish up his credits. His parents had plenty of money to finance his school and he could have worked hard to get scholarships but he did not. He is morbidly obese. His body habitus looks like an oversized pear. Even with working out, he can’t get in shape, so there may be a genetic component - his aunt has the same body shape and overweight issues. But his mom feeds him like there is no end, and he eats out a lot, and doesn’t excercise THAT much as he should. He couldn’t get a job in the area he lives (which is frikkin Texas, who CAN’T get a job there?), and so he had to go to Arizona or Kansas or some in the middle of nowhere place to get a job. I still don’t know what the guy does. He does know how to hack computers, he is pretty proud of that skill. He talks like he is black. Woot woot body thump. That sort of bro-bonding stuff, nomesayin.

He is marrying a pretty, seedhi saadhi, engineer who just finished her bachelors in engineering at 22. She’s not an Aishwarya Rai, but she has nice features. She’s not overweight or anything, and she has a very softspoken sweet personality, no drama obama, and is open to living with him and his family in his parents’ home. She could afford to pay rent or a mortgage and move out - she ended up with a pretty decent job. But she will live in their home because that’s what the guy’s mom wants.

:rolleyes:

If the game is not skewed in the favor of men, I don’t know what is.

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I don’t know why people are fixated over weight here. Most desis looking for girls for their sons/ brothers want a fair complexioned girl along with a skinny one. A lot of them want a tall girl too, 5 5" or above. And yes, people tend to gravitate towards people from their own ethnicity, it’s human nature. Rishtas are hard to come by for girls even in Pakistan. So yes, ideally the younger you start the easier it is. That said, yes, beautify yourself, whether it’s losing weight or personal grooming and go out there and look aggressively.

Make a list of the top 10 attributes you want in a spouse and be ready to cross off 5 of these. Look realistically at the other 5. I have seen a number of girls who are short but want a tall guy, why? You want someone highly educated, good, but that doesn’t mean he has to be a doctor ( one lady I know wants specialists only).

Then try your best to find a spouse, email guys on websites, speak to people who may have a rishta etched.. In the case of PCG at least I have seen that she has compromised on a lot of things, agreeing to marry much beneath her even, maybe that’s why it didn’t work out in many of her prospective rishtas. Simply put, if you haven’t been in the same boat you can’t judge.

For the life of me I don’t know why PCG can’t find a rishta, she is well qualified and is looking in the right places. I chalk it up to luck but keep looking, IA you will find someone.

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See, this is the attitude i don’t understand to be honest. You got that I am complaining, but did you read why? My sister always says i am mean for accepting to marry before her, for using my parent’s money on my wedding when it should have been her turn and much more.

My brother who is younger than her is also engaged. It was a love affair. His fiancée waited 2 years before he could make it official as he wanted to wait for my elder sister to get a risha first. With pressure from the girl family, we had to do their engagement. Now it has been over 2 years and we cannot get them married because of my elder sister disagreement. She keeps on saying our bhabi to be is only 25yrs old so she can wait and she stop being egoistic.

Now it is funny that you mention my fiance’s help, because he did. His best friend’s elder brother lives in the UK for the past 15 years. He was apparently a very decent and modern type of guy and so my fiancé referred to me first. I asked my fiancé to find out more about the guy’s status and job, his residential area and degrees. In the meantime, I mentioned the same It guy to my sister and she refused without knowing any further details. Why? Because she didn’t want any reference from a guy from back home as his acquaintances would also be ‘freshies’ and warned me to ask my fiancé not to interfere. Few months later we went to see the guy when his parents were over from Pakistan. (my father knew his father also and the guy was now engaged/nikkahfied to his cousin from Pakistan). I told my parents not to mention to my sister that it was the same guy that my fiancé had referred as it would make her unwilling to come. And to our surprise, the guy was living in his own flat in a very posh area or West London, he was an IT consultant in PWC and to his luck his wife got a visa within 2 weeks. The guy was a very jolly, modern looking person with very open minded parents. The first thing my sister said as soon as we came out of his house was…’see dad, if you suggest me such guy from back home then I have no problems..but you know all the backwards family only’.

There are many similar examples for such girls..but it’s all a matter of choice! How you choose to lead your life. If you choose to be extremely specific about the person you want to spend the rest of your life, then you should get on happily with ‘life’ , the life that isn’t always a bed of roses especially with our Asians society.

As family members, we don’t take it to heart as much and try to move on. But has the blaming game helped her situation anyhow? No. But on the contrary, she has hurt many people’s feelings with her degrading comments on the numerous rishtas she got: the morons, the uneducated, the losers, the one beneath her, the ugly and the unfit, the gold diggers…etc

We live in a modern world, where anything said to a guy can be said to a girl…and i am sure no girl would like to be rejected only because they have poor degrees, low pay job, backwards parents or aren’t fit. Gone is the time where it was impressive to see a girl with a good career. You’re a doctor, an investment banker? Who cares! You earn a lot? Who cares! Marriage is an emotional relationship..not a professional relationship.

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at bold:

How are some people ‘beneath’ us for any possible reason?! They are right or wrong for us, but ‘beneath’? seriously ? talk about narrow mindness!

at underline:

Yes you can judge/comment even if you have not been in the same boat. We have minds and hearts to understand and comment accordingly on a situation. Each person’s opinions will obviously be different. Each ha sown way to help

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Well said at the bold part.

But I don’t get it. Why can’t your brother get married before your sister? It’s not like he is 18 or something I assume as you mentioned his to-be-wife is 25? Why would your parents/family allow your elder sister to dictate when her younger siblings can get married? If she can’t make a decision about her life, it’s her problem. Those who are ready to make the commitment should do so regardless of the fact that she is eldest.

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fear of her falling into depression again. the day of my brother’s engagement, she was crying non stop. it isnt easy to see a sibling in a deep depression. Moreover, they has been silent tensions between my bhabhi and her since that day as the bahbi felt her so awaited big day was ‘ruined’ by her sadness and she has heard too many bitter comments from my sister in the past few months whenever we tried to fix their wedding date. In order to avoid future clashes, my parents says its best to wait few months and hope for a good rishta iA.

who would have thought my sister, such a confident, smart, highly educated , fit figure and outgoing person would be dealing so badly with relationships.

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That does sound very sad :frowning: I hope she finds her Prince Charming soon, inshallah. But at the same time I also feel really sad for your brother, it must be difficult to see a sibling not showing any happiness for something so big for you.

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No they should look for partners who are similar to them in looks and personality.
there are girls who have very dark complexion but they want and wait for a fair complexioned guy. i mean ok nothing wrong in that but you have to be realistic as well. if you being dark complexioned yourself don’t want to marry a dark complexioned guy then why do you curse the ones who rejects you.

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Society definitely is responsible for putting these girls under depression but sometimes parents specially mothers also play a part in adding to this depression. not intentionally though but it happens. Many mothers fear that what will happen if their daughters won’t get married while the parents are alive, they fear that they will be at mercy of their brothers and their wives and the brothers/bhabhis will mistreat them. Now this fear is not baseless at all particularly in Pakistani society but being vocal about this in front of your daughters and keep whining about this only makes the girls more depressed. they get more depressed fearing they will have a drastic life if their parents pass away before their marriages and then they will be at mercy of their siblings etc.

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Is someone holding a gun to Aishwarya’s head and forcing her to marry Mr. Morbidly Obese? Given that this is a desi rishta, this may very well be the case, but if she willingly married this guy then why complain?