parents' money or not, husband has full right to refuse to let wife go anywhere and wife is bound to listen. not islamically even, let's leave that aside, but practically, emotionally.
him letting her go IS a big thing not everyone allows it.
^if she doesn't have a savings of her own, then it's possible that her parents pay for her air fare.
Demi, she knows that if she would listen to husband's requests and lets some things slide, she'd have more peace in the marriage. She's been given this advice numerous times before, but it seems she either can't push herself to do it or refuses to. Courtesy demands that she not touch her BIL's laptop without his consent but she did it anyways. Yet she gets upset when others don't show her courtesy. Studying for exams is not a fun activity, but if she can discipline herself to do study ...then she should be be able to do other things in life that are not fun but are also an obligation.
parents' money or not, husband has full right to refuse to let wife go anywhere and wife is bound to listen. not islamically even, let's leave that aside, but practically, emotionally.
him letting her go IS a big thing not everyone allows it.
All other issues aside I don't think nadz husband letting her go to visit her parents for months is a big deal at all. My mum did this pretty much every year during our summer vacations, and frankly I don't know a single person who's husband would stop them from doing the same thing. Amongst the people I know its quite common to take the kids to visit your parents for some time if you're not working.
Yes her husband has the right to refuse her going but if my husband did that to me I'd consider him to be pretty douchey.
Nadz why don't u make the soup and go watch tv with the both of them and babysit them. Btw if u have opportunities for kaan bharofying then it's only fair that she gets some too. Anyway even if u don't make soup u can still go in to inquire about her health and then sit with them and watch tv.
PS. Since u have already admitted to it, I have always wondered about such relationships... isn't it mentally exhausting keeping tabs on two (or many) other ppl. How long was hubby sitting with ammi, did he go in on his own accord or did she call him (minus points for both ppl, or double minus points only for hubby) etc etc. And how do u manage this points system on a 3 month vacation? U'd need a vacation from ur vacation i'd think. Also, How do u keep note, or do u just remember all given times. Furthermore how do u manage points system and kids AND parhaai I mean something's gotta give?
let it GO!!!!!!!!!! you will be happier.....gosh so much effort, I would go doolali..imagine someone breathing down your neck 24/7 with paranoia....seriously unhealthy stuff going on....step back!
maybe not a big deal to you but for months on end if a parent, mom or dad, is separated from their kids, he/she can put up a ruckus. it isn't about going and visiting parents, but rather depriving the nuclear family unit of time together.
husband/wife can very well say let them come visit, you dont go.
All other issues aside I don't think nadz husband letting her go to visit her parents for months is a big deal at all. My mum did this pretty much every year during our summer vacations, and frankly I don't know a single person who's husband would stop them from doing the same thing. Amongst the people I know its quite common to take the kids to visit your parents for some time if you're not working.
Yes her husband has the right to refuse her going but if my husband did that to me I'd consider him to be pretty douchey.
^If Nadz is not trolling us, then I imagine that the quality of the time her nuclear family spends together must not be all that fun if both husband and wife cannot look past petty matters.
parents' money or not, husband has full right to refuse to let wife go anywhere and wife is bound to listen. not islamically even, let's leave that aside, but practically, emotionally.
him letting her go IS a big thing not everyone allows it.
I don't think so. The day my husband dictate where I am allowed or not allowed to go would be the last day I'd respect him as my husband. A husband allowing his wife to go somewhere is not doing her any favors. Seriously, I can't believe people still think like this. This is only an Islamic concept or maybe if you still live in medieval times or dark ages. No wonder why some men treat their wives like children, they kind of like to be treated that way I guess.
Nadz, please don't get any ideas from my post. I am not talking about you.
It is an islamic concept and beyond that along the same lines of deciding mutually where to spend finances. Where to school children. Long trips months on end deserve a spousal veto
problem is guys, that she doesn t like me and makes efforts to say negative things about me to him. which is why i feel as if she would do the same whenever she is alone with him. why would i have any problems if she was an altogether nice enough woman.
hm.
You don't get it and because you don't get it...you will never ever be rid of these issues.
Your MIL being nice or bad is IRRELEVANT. You need to learn some self control and understand what IS in your control: your mouth and actions.
What are you so worried about? You think your MIL will say something to him one day and he'll leave you? What exactly has you soooo afraid of her words...after several years of marriage and two kids? Who cares? Let her sit with him...sooner or later...he WILL have to come to YOUR room.
You literally serve your husband to your MIL in a silver platter and then complain about it.
Islamically, husband should also show care and kindness to wife...there is no 'letting her go' when it comes to visiting her parents. That falls under her husband showing kindness to wife..knowing she lives away from them and does have duties to fulfill to them as well. I'd disagree if she went to Las Vegas every year to party. So really...he's not doing her any favors by 'letting' her visit.
Nadz u should post here for ways to ignore/pretend to be kind whenever a situation arises, cos u obvs don't have the ability to do that. Everyone will pitch in and script a response ie) make soup and walk in to MILs room and stay wirh her while husband is there. So easy to do. Just do it!!! Sheesh.
before when we used to go out he wouldnt even tell his mum we were going. now he informs her. why yhe change. she must have complained.
and this is wha usually happens in our home when the sil is visiting.
the other day at dinner, there was a special dish along with the main, some fried fish or whatnot. and there was plenty. mil kept offering it to sil, continously every 5 mins, and then to fil. i was sitting there too, not once she offered me. now please guys, the point isnt that i wanted he bloody fish. theres a deeper meaning in it. and she kept offering them. when both had their bit, whatever was left, she loudly said...ok the rest xxx will have it...{ HER favourite son, my bil. Not my husband}
THIS isnt nice behavious however silly it seems. and its fairly common in this house.
sil has exams. so do i. who gets special reatment - her.
now i understand i will not get it, but a mere appreciation of my workload would be nice i need an hour or 2 a day to revise and kids wont leave me alone and mil isnt interested. not once has anyone offered.
my main issue is why he changed and why he informs her we are going out when i already have. i know she moans at him hence hes change.
i thought i would try to write some positive things about her so lets see,
cooking - she does it mostly. unless ill. however she may complain afterwards but she does do most of the cooking.
they make their own breakfast. she has once said she doesnt expect me to however what she actually mean was she DOES expect it from a bahu. and she has years ago said i too.she doesnt say anyhing now.
they are awake from fajr time. we are not. sometimes i wake up 8am, sometimes 10. if im in bed cos of illness and its midday, she won say anything to my face, but will def say later insinuating to whoever that i woke up late not because i was ill.
she doesnt talk much anymore to me.
if i am ill and she knows, she may make khichri or kava for me.
hmmmm. does this sound positive.
she gave me 200 quid last time i went uk. { possibly FIL made her give it}
nadz dear.........all i can say is . i would Lovvvvvvve to have a life like you.......
so many positives that i can only dream of,
no bruises, no feeling constantly scared,
mil who cooks for you, mine used to give me the left over after even the servants had eaten........
able to stay in bed till late........i had to get up and do all the housework with a disc prolapse,
mil giving you spending money....mine gave me her old clothes on my shaadi and has never given anything since....
and many many more ......... : )
so what do you do for your MIL ? she does the cooking, she has a maid for work, she pays for food. what does ur husband do, is he working and giving money at home?
I am sorry, but nadzz you are a horrible bahu, very ungrateful for the things she does do. Even when you listed the "positive," you stated the negative with it. Like when she handed you money- FIL must have made her.
If i was your MIL i would have kicked you out of the house...so you can actually do all the house work and realize what real life is like.
Nadz, if your MIL bothers to make you khichri and kaava, then why do you need to bite your husband’s head off when he suggests that you cook something for MIL when she’s sill? Why do you act like a petulant child then? Maybe he wants his MIL to see the good in you that he sees in you.
You want the 2 hours of studying that you feel you don’t get due to the kids and housework, then how about setting your alarm early in the morning and doing the studying when kids are asleep? Or do the studying at night when kids and the household are asleep.
In my family, it’s considered rude to leave the home without informing someone and leaving them to wonder where you’ve disappeared. So, it’s a form of courtesy that your husband informs his mother. The more important questions are …does your MIL prevent you from going out alone with your husband? Does she tag along with you guys and impose her company on you? If she does none of these, then you need to develop a bigger heart and ignore the fact that your husband informs his mom. It’s sad that you would ruin your outing or the atmosphere in your marriage and home over such a petty grudge.
Next time, you cook something in a large quantity and openly give the food to your in-laws. Tell your MIL and SIL and FIL and BIL every 5 mins to take more of what you’ve made. Do this a couple times. Then…in the future when your MIL cooks something and only offers it to SiL and BIl, her lack of manners will stand out even more to FIL and others…or she might become humbled by your kindness and be more generous in the future. Or…next time your MIL does this…politely ask in front of everyone, “Ammi can I and the kids also have some of the dish?” If she says, “There’s no need for you to ask”…then you can politely say that you weren’t sure because you were only offering the dish to two people and you didn’t want yo be rude. This will make her feel awkward around others…and can put an end to this charade. Find ways to work around your issue without losing your temper and hurting your marriage.
This will make her feel awkward around others…and can put an end to this charade. Find ways to work around your issue without losing your temper and hurting your marriage.