honesty needed. upset,.:/

Lifestyle Relationships
1

hello again, may be a long post. i had a feleing before i was going mad, like everyhings was my fault, my reactions to issues were possibly larger than the problem.

me and husband also having problems. i have issues with mil anyway as we all know, well me and husband also not on friendly terms. i keep thinking i am fighting for my rights. maybe i have no idea what i am fighting for. or against.

the other day we bought tickets for my annual trip to uk. his parents knew about it this time we discussed with them as last year when iu went we didnt and it was an issue for them.so bought tickets and we told them the dates and etc, however husband insisted i actually SHOW them the tickets too,.i said ok later. i didnt. because i didnt understand why he was sucking up to them and why they needed to see it not as if im going today he later asked me i said no i didnt show yet.he was angry. shouted.

so again, another time recently, he has always told me never to use his brothers laptop cos incase it messes up they will blame me.
i found this silly. but i did use it and left on table where my daughter threw on floor. and it stopped working. he shouted at me for that. in private but sill shouted and sounded really mad.

fair enough i was wrong, bu when he makes similar mistakes i would never shout at him. he has no value of me hence why he shouted.

he thinks shouting and showing some sort of aggression is ok. for him.

why is ok for men to be one way and women another.

somewhere i am to blame for my atiude and feelings. like his mother when she is ill he will go in her room to ask her how she is, i get really madly jealous and dont want him in the room. and im always weary when he talks to his sister too. i always feel they r brainwashing against me. or maybe he cares more for them. i literally count the times he comes to me when im ill and in what manner, and count he times he foes to his mum.

see, this is my issue. madness. and i dnt know how to resolve it. in my head.

namaz? I AM NOT religious. is this why ive lost it.

my issues are not PAKISTAN. PEOPLE live here and do as rhey please. maybe i habe made my life hell.

husband is a dull emotionless human being. no ronance, excitement, nothing. he chose to marry me, yet since marriage hes so dull and lifeless. if i dnt tell him to take me out he will not even notice.

my issues are all wrapped and warped. and no i wil never see anyone for my head stuff.

gs help me out and i want all honesty.

I FEEL upset, confused, like i want a divorce…or am i being over dramamtic. i dnt know.

2

Re: honesty needed. upset,.:/

you have no value for his requests or happiness yet you want him running circles round you? Divorce is the easy way out. Try pleasing him and considering his feelings when you do stuff, honestly, he will return the love. I don't think you are grateful for him, or you don't show him, complete disregard for his basic requests are ignored by you and yet you want romance and passion? Fulfil the basics of respect first. It's not about man vs woman, it's about care, heck do it without expecting stuff in return...

coz ermm that's what spouses are meant to do for each other like...

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Re: honesty needed. upset,.:/

separate for a while.

4

Re: honesty needed. upset,.:/

because i feel his requests usally are to please his parents and i feel like im competing with them for his affection.

like if mil ill, he will expect me too cook that day.

if im ill, he would never expect or ask his mum to make me something.

5

Re: honesty needed. upset,.:/

well am going uk for 3 months in april, so we are. but not because of issues, i go annually.

6

Re: honesty needed. upset,.:/

Do you know when most people tend to shout at those around them?

When they feel helpless. When they feel they're losing the little bit of patience they've left.

Honestly, I've no advice for you. I don't even know where to start but here are some points you can ponder about

  • Your jealousy with his mother and sister. How to overcome it?

  • Your ego. How to not make it an ego issue everytime he tells you to do something?

  • The religious aspect. Maybe you should try to do namaz, maybe that is what you're lacking, maybe that is why you're feeling so 'restless'?

  • Lastly, remember the 3 Rs for a man and your husband should be reminded the 3 As for a woman.

Marriage is pretty simple. You get what you give. Think about it. Give before expecting a return and see how that works out for you.

I hope things work out. :)

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Re: honesty needed. upset,.:/

People have already given you good avice in previous threads. All you need to do is read them and follow it if you want to do something about it.

And please, don't try to play the victim card when your husband gets angry because of your own mistakes.
Comments such as :
[QUOTE]
he thinks shouting and showing some sort of aggression is ok. for him.

why is ok for men to be one way and women another.
[/QUOTE]

^ that sounds as to play the helpless victim to get sympathy.

Meanwhile you **think **that he does or does not so and so, while you are the one who actually does carry out such actions in real.

You badmouth him ever since you got married, you call him dull and bring down his personality and by doing that you decrease his respect in other people's eyes, even if they don't know you or him.

You disrespect him in front of his parents, and then you cry for him being angry at you in private.

Get your act together before it's too late girl.

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Re: honesty needed. upset,.:/

Stop competing with in laws. Just switch your mil with your mom. Are you going to cook if your mom is ill? Would you get jealous if he checks on your mom? Do you think he will expect your mom to cook when you are sick. I don't think so. I don't think my husband will. Like we said before, you will only distance yourself from your husband if you keep competing with family. For a change try to become part of his family. Respect them and respect his wishes. I am sure you will hate if your bhabi starts competing with your mother.

9

Re: honesty needed. upset,.:confused:

Nadzz why do you consider his requests to be silly, and for his family only. If he asked you not to use his brothers labtop, he was trying to protect you from his brother. When he asked to show the tickets to his parents, he was again trying to aviod issues btw you and his parents. He is trying and you are not working on this marriage with him. That will be very frustating for anyone. Try to work with him, instead of thinking up stuff, keep you mind clear.

Do pray, it helps to keep the mind clear of crazy, negative thoughts

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Re: honesty needed. upset,.:/

yes it is all in your head and it's the same stuff over and over again.

stubbornness, lack of empathy, selfishness... you really do need to see a professional.

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Re: honesty needed. upset,.:/

professional ain't got no cure for those things.

12

Re: honesty needed. upset,.:/

clearly has gone over your head.

13

honesty needed. upset,.:/

Nadz, you know what your problem is? You react first and think later. Your knee jerk reactions are what land you in mess after mess, and you really are your own worst enemy.

Even in the threads you started before you got married you didn't heed the advice given. Between then and now nothing has changed.

I seriously think you should take stoppit's advice and talk to a professional/therapist/counselor while you're in the UK to figure out the root of your issues. It's not just about you anymore, it's about your kids and you need to do right by them.

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Re: honesty needed. upset,.:/

Maybe you just need to accept that he has a place in his heart for his mother; a place which YOU cannot take. So yes, he WILL ask you to please his parents, because in his heart, that makes HIM happy. As his wife, it's your job to try and make him happy, even if it sometimes means doing things you wouldn't normally do.

The flip side of this is that he also has a place in his heart which is for YOU, and his mother cannot ever take that place away from him. Just remember that you have to fulfill your role, and your role only. You're not his mother, and you can never take her place. So just be his WIFE.

re what everyone's saying about therapy, a short CBT course in anxiety/depression from the IAPT might be useful for you when you come to the UK. Go to your GP to get a referral and they'll put you on a short 6-8 week course - I used to deliver these so I know the course content, and they're very good in teaching structured, logical steps to overcome difficulties. I think a bit of rationality is just what you might be after. Also, they're free under the NHS :D

Ermm... elucidate?

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Re: honesty needed. upset,.:/

Can you not study or work? Sounds like you've got far too much time on your hands and you're going to end up bitter and obsessive just thinking about this petty stuff all day long..

Seriously consider counselling when you're back in the UK and draw up a plan of what you're going to do.. You're literally just going round in circles over and over again.. You don't seem to have any focus..

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Re: honesty needed. upset,.:/

nadz -

Kill your ego with your bare hands

17

Re: honesty needed. upset,.:/

Have an affair then dump him then tell him. That'll teach him.

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Re: honesty needed. upset,.:confused:

Iconoclast, tum ne kyun Nadz ko kal yaad kia?? Kyuuuunnn!!! :grumpy:

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Re: honesty needed. upset,.:/

Yeah. Pl. enlighten us.

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Re: honesty needed. upset,.:/

Seriously...go back and re-read your past thread instead of asking us to repeat ourselves over and over again. We have been telling you for YEARS that your reactions to issues are larger than the problem!

Bingo! Right there. Your #1 problem. Its all about YOU! For once try to think of life from your husband's point of view.

Again...thinking with your emotions instead of using your brain. You don't need to understand anything when it comes to a stupid request like this. He asked you to show his parents the plane tickets. You should up gotten up right then and there and showed them the tickets right in front of your husband. Baat khatam. But no, once again, you allowed your emotions to make a big mess out of a situation that could've been taken care of so easily.

Once again....thinking of NO ONE except you. Why on earth would you use your BIL's laptop without asking BIL?! As a grown woman, mother of 2 children, the fact that you shouldn't touch/use other people's property (especially something like a LAPTOP) without permission....do you really need to be told this by others? Not only did you use it....but you left it in a place where your young child managed to damage it. Your husband had every right to shout/yell/scream at you. Stop doing STUPID stuff! Consider yourself lucky that he didn't yell at your in front of his family.

And you? You didn't choose to marry him? You didn't know before marriage that your MIL didn't like you? You didn't interact with your husband BEFORE marriage and have time to figure out what type of man you were marrying? Before you start talking about what things other people chose.....reflect on your own actions and think about what decisions YOU chose to make that put your life where it is today.

You can continue to create thread after thread on this but no one on GS will tell you anything new. So if you're sincere about getting advice, the best thing is for you to go back and re-read any of your previous thread from the past 3+ years.