Re: Help.
^
I dont know in which Pakistani community you people live or brought up or is it non-virgins Pakistani brides are so popular nowdays that you have to tell your preference for the bride to be a virgin.
Alhamdolilah, 99% of Pakistani guys and girls living in Paksitan are virgins.
Re: Help.
sigh
I just said** IF **it was such a big issue for him, he could have asked prior to marrying her. I'm aware of the other facts that you have stated but assuming 99% of men in Pakistan don't drink and I had an issue with someone that used to drink in the past.. I would ask before marrying him. That said, if the girl is compatiable in every other way he should look past this and make it work. Why judge a girl based on one mistake of hers, can't he respect the fact that she came-out clean and accepted her mistake?
My community, people I live with or where I was brought-up have nothing to do with this. IF you have some serious concerns and doubts, sort them out before you sign.
Re: Help.
Sadly he thinks that she is a used tissue paper. :(
Then he should leave her. She deserves better in life.
I don't think Islam has anything to do with his mentality...its desi mentality. You made it seem as if he was very pious. Religion is more than doing acrobats on the janamaaz.
^ I dont know in which Pakistani community you people live or brought up or is it non-virgins Pakistani brides are so popular nowdays that you have to tell your preference for the bride to be a virgin. Alhamdolilah, 99% of Pakistani guys and girls living in Paksitan are virgins.
I also believe your statistics are completely off...:(
First of all... I don't know why some people here are mocking OP's friend because he shared this problem with him... maybe its the OP himself, his/her family member or actually his friend is facing this problem... who knows... judge the situation not the OP...
Now, Personally... OP if you want a genuine answer then you need to judge this situation from the mindset of a young virgin man who never had a romantic relationship or any kind of sexual contact with a woman in his life before...
The act committed by this girl (not the premarital sex, but her confession to her husband after marriage) is an act of betrayal and a breach of trust... Now, she is even trying to blackmail him to forgive and forget about her past... As per the OP's words, the girl confessed to her husband after the marriage knowing that he is a virgin and never involved himself in such relationships... Why would she even want to confess to her husband in the first place... Lets examine some of the possibilities... maybe she feels really guilty now and wants to repent but what happened to that guilt when her husband gave her his trust when he agreed to marry her with the intention that he feels that she is compatible with him and believes that she herself is a virgin too... Or maybe she wanted to confess because later in their married life, he could have found out otherwise that she had a premarital relationship with someone and then she would not be able to justify her situation if he chose to react with an emotional outburst...
Now, as the OP is telling, the marriage is done within the family... Hence, now the wedding done and the family is settled with the matter... The girl has seeked the perfect opportunity to get rid of this ugly secret and guilt of her past without having to go through the possibility of a divorce.... The girl is trying to target the nature of OP's friend, as the OP is saying that his friend is naive and doesn't know what he should do about this... The girl is probably thinking that "Since we are now married and all that stuff and I know you are such a naive, shareef and a chicken... You probably wouldn't dare to divorce me because of all the social and family pressures in our desi culture, plus 'Log kya keheingein?' Khandaan toot jaye ga' etc... so I expect you to accept and live with my past"... now she is putting this pressure on him to 'forgive her' and 'respect her honesty'....
If the girl had good intentions to repent... then you should have told him about this before their marriage unless he had such a past of his own as well which he does not... So, that even if the guy wanted to reject her... they could mutually decide upon some fake excuses to present to their elders about why they are not compatible for each other etc etc..... and they could have easily moved on with their lives...
Personally, if this would have happened with me... I would divorce her... I am a virgin and I intent to stay virgin until marriage... and I believe that a virgin man has every right to demand a virgin bride for himself unless he chose not to for whatever reason...
So, for the sake of an argument... lets suppose that this situation occurs with me and a lot of people here are suggesting to forgive and move on... and I do that, but how will I able to get intimate with her? I think I won't even be able to consummate the marriage with such a women, I would feel very inadequate knowing that she has already experienced all of this and I trusted her with her virginity... She already knows what to expect and how it feels whereas I don't and I will definitely know that she will either consciously or sub-consciously try to compare my performance with that of her previous lover... which I find extremely disgusting to even think about it...
I completely agree with Ozair and like his mindset. A chaste woman for a chaste man. God says that too.
If the guy cannot seem to forget then its best he divorces her. HE doesn't deserve someone like her. Sorry but that's my opinion. She should have told him before nikah and baat pakki that she was a non virgin and has had previous relationships. It is true that in our desi and Islamic culture, when an arrange marriage takes place, the bride is expected to be a virgin. (even the groom should be one, islamically)
Those who say that the girl has been through a lot emotionally- Yes I agree to that but if a girl is old enough to sleep with a guy and also get married, she should be mature enough to know the effects of her actions.
Yes, Allah is forgiving, but for the guy who never has had any past sexual relationships, it is extremely hard to get the thought of it out of his head.
Re: Help.
Maybe I am the only one here who doesn't subscribe to the philosophy of "the man/woman has right to know about the past relationships". If we repent for our past sins, the only one who needs to forgive us is Allah. I don't think we have a right to know about someone's past to the extent of 'emotionally blackmailing' them to reveal stuff about their past which they may have repented for and regretting. Besides, human beings are never that forgiving. This is probably the reason why we have been advised never to 'advertise' our sins.
If the guy has such huge issues with her being a non-virgin then it's better to divorce her now, then to torment her with a lifetime of 'taanay'. But as someone has suggested earlier, he shouldn't state that this is the reason why he is divorcing her.
To say that it's totally unacceptable for him because he is a virgin himself...well, has he never committed any other sins in lifer?? Why do we judge others, just because they sin differently than us?
Oh and why is only the woman always referred to in terms such as 'a used tissue paper', as if she is an object, and yet the guy who was equally a part of the act can walk away scot free, and actually flaunts his explits as trophies?
Re: Help.
Re: Help.
I don't find anything admirable about a man who walked away from a woman because she told him something so personal.
Re: Help.
So funny how people defend the dhokaybaaz larki.
Re: Help.
So funny how people defend the** dhokaybaaz larki**.
Ahsay nahi kehtay yaar.Needless to say non of us know whats the truth.
Re: Help.
dhokaybaazness doesn’t matter. as long as its a larki.
here these same people were asking a girl to leave a guy who said he had relationships with white girls..
Re: Help.
You'd make a great saas on PTV ^ I could totally see you sniffing your bahu's salan to see if its hot enough to serve her pyara sa bacha.
Its so funny...people are making it seem like she cheated on him...was unfaithful to him.
Anyway, your friend sounds like he's made up his mind to view her as a used tissue paper. That is no way to live for anyone...man or woman.
I'd say he should leave her.
Re: Help.
You'd make a great saas on PTV ^
Its so funny...people are making it seem like she cheated on him...was unfaithful to him.
Anyway, your friend sounds like he's made up his mind to view her as a used tissue paper. That is no way to live for anyone...man or woman.
I'd say he should leave her.
you haven't even watched PTV ever. FYI, there are no saas bahu stuff on PTV..
Re: Help.
you haven't even watched PTV ever. FYI, there are no saas bahu stuff on PTV..
Pardon my error...I don't watch a lot of TV. I guess its one of the other ones then...ARY, Geo, QTV, take your pick.
Re: Help.
Its more like flavor of ice cream . . . either you like it , or you don't .
Re: Help.
To say that it's totally unacceptable for him because he is a virgin himself...well, has he never committed any other sins in lifer?? Why do we judge others, just because they sin differently than us?
Maybe because it may have nothing to do with 'sins' 'morality' and religion. but a preference for a partner with a similar sexual past.
Why are people here so fixated on sins and religion?
There is something called** insecurity** and its only human to feel that. Why do people avoid acknowledging that sexual history of a partner can be a source of great insecurity?
from a philosophical perspective, religions and morality merely institutionalized male sexual insecurity.
Re: Help.
I don't find anything admirable about a man who walked away from a woman because she told him something so personal.
What women** claim** to find admirable and what men aspire to be may not be the same thing. Men have to look at their interests first.
Women would define 'admirable men' according to what suits their interests. And thats fine too.
Re: Help.
Maybe because it may have nothing to do with 'sins' 'morality' and religion. but a preference for a partner with a similar sexual past.
Why are people here so fixated on sins and religion? There is something called** insecurity** and its only human to feel that. Why do people avoid acknowledging that sexual history of a partner can be a source of great insecurity?
from a philosophical perspective, religions and morality merely institutionalized male sexual insecurity.
The OP's post has made the husband look like he views his wife as a used piece of trash. That has less to do with his insecurity/religion and more to do with his perspective no women in general.
If a woman posted this issue, we'd have the same reaction.
What women** claim** to find admirable and what men aspire to be may not be the same thing. Men have to look at their interests first. Women would define 'admirable men' according to what suits their interests. And thats fine too.
Yes well, what men aspire to be (especially these days) and what a woman may find worthy in a man may not be the same thing. Women should be putting their own interests first - the woman being posted about especially.
Re: Help.
Pardon my error...I don't watch a lot of TV. I guess its one of the other ones then...ARY, Geo, QTV, take your pick.
Waoow never knew QTV walay b drama dikhatay hain.I tought they only show religious programs, so please do enlighten us whihc dramas do they air, Indian, Turkish!!
Re: Help.
Waoow never knew QTV walay b drama dikhatay hain.I tought they only show religious programs, so please do enlighten us whihc dramas do they air, Indian, Turkish!!
Okay so when you're reading any sort of sentence...its a good idea to read the entire thing. Not just a small portion of it because that small portion alone will not make much sense. Somehow, I always thought this was understood but I guess not.
My sentence specifically states - and I quote - "Pardon my error...I don't watch a lot of TV. I guess its one of the other ones then...ARY, Geo, QTV, take your pick."
Meaning I don't know...not sure...it could be any one of the other ones...ARY, Geo, QTV,** take your pick**.
I hope this helps you understand the post better and clarifies any misunderstanding that may have occurred.
Do something good for humanity - check.
Re: Help.
you know what? i think he should forgive her and respect her honesty. she didn't confess to being a hooker, a drug dealer or having an abortion with her ex. she confessed to a mistake she made in life. people are allowed mistakes and if Allah swt can forgive...who and what on earth is a mere mortal?
Why would any of the above mentioned things make a difference from what she's confessed to, if she'd have committed then repented for any of those things?