A work colleague of mine is going through a seriously complicated relationship issue.He had nikah done almost a month ago, he is 24 and she is 21 both are young and the guy is nice and naive.He calls me bara bhai and respects me immensely.Now, he is really depressed due to a sad reality which his wife revealed to him about her past.She happen to be a non-virgin for which she expects him to forgive and forget.He has never been into any kind of a relationship, he thinks he can forgive and move on but cannot forget.There rishtha was fully arranged and she is from his family.She was betrayed & thinks he should consider and give priority to her honesty.He thinks he can never give hera respect which a wife deserves and there bond would only have sympathy rather than love.
Please share your thoughts, give me some valid points and what should I suggest him.I am zilch regarding relationship advice and he is asking me to help.
BTW, honest advice OP: if you want this thread to get to the next page, please recount the betrayal the girl endured, who the betrayer was, how it ended, why it ended, you know the nitty gritty.
Did the guy ask her or make it clear he wanted a virgin? Also, is this in Pak or the West?
It's recommended to not talk about this stuff but if she knew it was an absolute priority for the guy she should have spoken up before the nikah so he could back out.. or just not agreed to marry him (if possible)..
BTW, honest advice OP: if you want this thread to get to the next page, please recount the betrayal the girl endured, who the betrayer was, how it ended, why it ended, you know the nitty gritty.
ps. I need to stop posting!
I dont want it to get to the next page, I just want some good advices and what generally people think he should do.I have no interest to meet or to know anything about her, about her past or how, why it happend.From a man's perspective, I think he should get over her but that would be too harsh for her and would simply spoil her life.
I think the virginity/past relations question should be asked during baat pakki stages, in privacy and BEFORE nikah.
very tough situation : the guy can choose to get a talaq on these grounds, it will be valid BUT he will have the term divorcee on him forever and so will the girl.
maybe he can try to move on, settle with her, and save himself, the girl and both families embarrassment which will of course be felt if they break the r/s. what’s more the girl and him are related.
i would suggest for the guy to try forget. time heals every thing. and pls advise him not to talk abt it to the girl or bring it up in future arguements as it will be detrimental to their relationship.
First of all, islamically you are NOT suppose to tell anyone about your sins. Not even your husband!!
And the fact that the husband is discussing this with a random man at work is crazy.
I can never believe that a guy told you such kind of info about his wife, or you just wanted to see the reaction of people about such hypothetical situation?
It may be his right to end this, however tell him he will get huge rewards if he forgives and forgets... And keeps it a secret to protect his wife! If the wife has repented; then this is the only decent way forward!
"Ma Mooli" has the best advice. If wife has already asked Allah for forgiveness and seriously repents, Allah has already forgiven her. Husband should also forgive and forget... I know It is easier said then done but divorcing her would destroy both families.
If the issue was bothering the girl THAT MUCH, then she should have told him before the nikkah. It kinda seems like she waited until after the nikkah...so there would be less wiggle room for him to end the rishta. It makes it look like deception and aggravates matters. Not a smart move on her part.
In scenarios like these, the word "forgive" bothers me. The girl's gunnah was not committed against the husband or even her own parents. It's not his sin to forgive. It's not even her parents' sin to forgive. It's between the girl and Allah; in my opinion. It's up to Him to either forgive or not forgive. So the way I see it......the issue of forgiving is not applicable to the guy....but the issue of "forgetting and moving on" does apply to him. He can choose to either move on or cling to her past and let it consume him.
Some might say that forgiveness is applicable to the guy because she "hid" her past from him before the nikkah.....but then again some scholars will say that the sin shouldn't be revealed and of course our culture makes it harder for women as well.
Your friend needs to weigh his options. Is she a good woman, a good wife overall? Has he thought about her positive qualities or is he only fixated on her not being a virgin? If he opts to divorce her....would that be a gunnah for him and if so, does he want that on his shoulders? If he does choose to divorce her, it'll be harder for his wife to get married again because of the stigma that divorce carries for women and it will be tough for her parents as well. He needs to stop fixating on the her virginity and think about the far- reaching/long term consequences of the decisions he takes because the consequences will spread to others within the family and won't just be confined to him and his wife . If he chooses to "move on"....but still gives her "taanay" from time to time and humiliates her........he'll be the ghunaygar; because for all he knows maybe Allah has already forgiven her. So, if he decides to move on....then he needs to sincerely move on ...and never bring it up again. Also, virginity doesn't guarantee that a girl is going to make a good wife or mother. There are many things that your friend needs to consider.
He needs to talk to her a bit more about this, and then make his final decision. If he really can't handle this harsh reality, he should not go ahead with the marriage.
BTW, honest advice OP: if you want this thread to get to the next page,** please recount the betrayal the girl endured, **who the betrayer was, how it ended, why it ended, you know the nitty gritty.
ps. I need to stop posting!
I'd actually prefer she was the betrayer rather than the betrayed.
Try to think outside the box.
