Help!

Lifestyle Relationships
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Sorry, I should have made myself clearer.

I did not advise you to get a lawyer to try and change your husband’s mind. It is clear from your posts earlier that he has already made up his mind and nothing is likely to make him change it.

But the reason why I advised you to get a lawyer is to protect yourself from any negative clauses in the divorce papers. Legal documents like divorce papers can be extremely confusing and complicated and someone untrained in law may not be able to read them and understand them fully. The last thing you want is to sign divorce papers that are even more harmful to your interests than losing a husband.

You need a lawyer to check that the terms of the divorce are fair and equitable towards you.

Please … promise us all that before you sign any divorce papers you will first get a lawyer to read them and advise you on exactly what you are signing!

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It seems he is acting all strange because of his parents behaviour towards him. I really think you should get his folks involved. For one it will bring this guilt thing he has to the surface, and secondly, it'll make it tad easier in dealing with him, rather than have him mess you about. Atleast you'll know where you stand.

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Get the in-laws involved asap. As mooli said, it might ease up his tensions. Ideally, he should be doing it on his own but looks like he lacks the courage to confront his parents. You gotta do it as a last ditch effort.

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He doesn't want to go some place far away in order to deal
with the trauma. He wants to get away from both you and
his parents in order to start fresh. At a new place, for a new
life with a new partner. A girl who wouldn't know jack about
him, his past or his family. You on the contrary seem to know
a lot more then he would have wished. As much as you hate
it you have to let him go simply because you can't force
love or committment down anyone's throat specially when
they hate the idea.

My question is that did you ever receive counselling after
the end of your first traumatic marriage? If you didn't
please do. Marriages and relationships are traumatic
as they are. When they break they become tragic and
you need to talk out the tragedy and destruction it has
caused within yourself before it becomes too much for you
to bear. Sadly you did make the same mistake twice. Always
remember it's not a sin by any means to get married but when
a man says he can break away from his parents what's to say
he can't break away from his spouse. The sad thing about
the whole 'desi' society is that at the time of marriage,
guys and girls seldom take
into account the fact that if a girl or guy can leave their
parents (with whom they have lifelong relationships) what
could possibly stop them from severing ties formed in a
heartbeat.

If you have decided to let him be, then by all means you
need to set him straight before you cut him loose. You
putting up a fight will only hinder him from treating another
girl like a toy down the road. Next time he'll think at least
twice before scandalizing some one else's life the way he
has yours. As for you son, he's better off without his dad
as well as this guy right now rather then thirty years down the
road. As painful as that may sound. Guys like this come
a dime a dozen. This faulty model is the most common in
muslim society and unforunately almost every family has
some relative near or far who's married to a jerk like him
and has suffered at his hands in the long run.

how come??
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He’s turning 29? :eek:

All this time I thought he must be in his early 20s, especially the way you said how he’s having a hard time dealing with his parents and balancing his life at home and with you.

He seems very immature. You should really do some serious thinking and do get a lawyer and get his parents involved as suggested.

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Hain! how did she make the first mistake? Didn’t her parents got her married at 18 with some imported guy from back home? I think parents who force early marriages before providing the daughters with proper tools (education, maturity, etc) are as much responsible for breakup as anyone. So, SHE DID NOT MAKE A MSITAKE FIRST TIME AROUND.

Second time, I can see some instances where she may have misjudged the true intentions of the guy but she did marry him via a NIKAH. So, it can’t be a total mistake. Yes, she did not seek approval of in-laws…that can be a mistake and HE is using that loophole to find excuses now.

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^ First parents dictate their lives, then spouses

dictate their lives, then children dictate their lives.
Why the heck do 'desi' women live their lives
as dictations of others. Then when all hell breaks
loose their lives become dictations of their own
emotional decisions. C'mon. If you grow up in
US guy or girl no one has a gun to your head
asking you to make irrational decisions. And
you know what, I can't stand those parents either
who try shoving their Pakistani values down
their children throats. The same values that they
abandoned when they moved to United States
decades earlier. And all because their
daughter had fallen in love with someone.
And more importantly
I can't stand those children who've been
here all their lives, who know better but allow
themselves to fall victims to such ridiculous
and desperate steps.Utterly stupid. Who suffers? The poor daughter.
And such moronic parents live on. And history
repeats itself.

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AjnabiLarki, I’m so sorry you are having to go through this pain and turmoil for a second time.

Have you gotten in touch with a lawyer? I hope you have confided in your parents about what has really happened. I know you feel incredibly betrayed and embarrased by what has happened, but your family and relatives love you. They will not blame you once you tell them what has happened. You need to let them in and share your pain with your parents. I’m sure they will not blame you. This man not only betrayed and lied to you, but he lied to your parents as well. I am sure your parents will know what steps to take, i.e. confronting this “man’s” parents and him.

He is incredibly immature and doesn’t know how to handle the situation as Mad Sci has said. Pakistani parents, quite a few of them, are masters of emotionally blackmailing their children as Aalhan has rightly pointed out. God knows what his parents said to him to make him turn on you in such an abrupt, rude and disrespectful manner.

He has made it clear that he does not want to be with you. Fine. When he calls you to have these clandestine and private meetings after repeatedly brushing you off, you have to be firm and say NO. Do not go to meet him by yourself. Do not make yourself easily available to him. From what I gather, you flater his ego and he knows he can easily manipulate you and make you feel bad. Since you always agree to see him regardless of how badly he treats you, it’s giving him the green light to continue using and abusing you the way he does; at the end of the day, he knows you will agree to see him. DON’T!!! If he really wants to see you, then he came come to your home and see you with your parents. You all need to have a big discussion.

Perhaps once your parents get involved, they will be able to salvage the situation. In the event that they can’t, I’m positive that sometime in the future, he will be contacting you with an apology. In time, he will realise how wrong and horrible he has been.

As for your son, if you are really concerned about the long-term effects this relationship will have on him, then get him some therapy. It can work. In the meantime, make sure he is actively involved in other activities. Get him to play sports or read books, just keep his mind engaged so that he isn’t bored and won’t focus on when this man will return.

What goes around comes around. If not know, then in the after life. Have faith in Allah. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. We may not understand it, but there is always a purpose. :flower1:

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well said mehnaz and maddie, i absolutely agree.

in addition, if you worry about what impact this man's departure from your life will have on your son, you could seek to minimize the damage by ensuring his shadow on him is as small as possible.

Inshallah Allah will replace what you've lost with greater happiness, in time.

we were on a BREAK....
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^ Yes, that's a good idea. The next time he wants to meet you in private, refuse. Tell him he's welcome to come to your home and say what he wants in front of your parents. And he's welcome to bring his divorce papers to your lawyer.

I can't believe the moron is so old.

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Ajnabi LaRki, if there was somebody else in your shoes, she would have made the same decision as well. If someone can provide you stability, security and love then there are no if and buts about it. You would be an idiot if you say NO to such a guy. You did the right thing.

As for this guy, I would give him some benefit of the doubt..he may have good intentions at the time he nikahed you. He may still love you, but since he is unstable, he can't stand behind his decisions. The instability in his decision making is obviously coming from his family not him. I can imagine a desi mother who could be reluctant wedding off her financially independent son to someone who is divorced with a kid. Unfortunately, it is a stigma in our society that desies can't get over. His family can just turn a blind eye to the whole situation if they don't meet you, see the love in your kid's eyes or meet your parents. Therefore, it is important that you deal with the situation by involving elders before you threaten this guy with lawyers etc.

I can see you have done everything in you capacity to make this guy agree on terms but he can't therefore he won't until his parents give him the green flag. These kind of guys do marry their sister cousins, if forced, all it takes is a change of mind...and our buddy is quite capable of that.

Hold back your emotions with this guy. You should be treated like a wife and you deserve all the respect that comes along with the bond. No need of hiding things from people...you haven't done anything wrong.

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I am falling apart and I know that I need to get myself together. My son is becoming perinoid that I will leave him like his father but I have assured him that I would never leave him behind. He does not want to move into the new condo that I got because he thinks that my husband wont be there and we will have to move again. I feel so bad that he is so scared all the time. When I go to work he is like-please dont go. When I am at work he calls me 10 or 15 times to ask me when I will come home(he has memorized my phone number) My "husband" now says he wants me to go away with him for a week. I told him that I would like him to stop by the house and see my son and my parents because he has not been over for about 2 weeks now. I said that I have been telling them that he is busy with work and my son thinks he is on a business trip. He was like-we will see. I feel like maybe I am the one that has let him think it is ok to treat me the way he has been treating me. My family has only given him respect-so why is it a big deal for him to stop by and say hi? If he wants me to go on a trip with him is it because he wants to work thinsg out? Maybe he doesnt want to see my family because he is embarressed of his own actions. I have told him that they do not know everything because I have been hding it from them. Maybe he doesnt want to come over bvecause if he gets to invovled with my family it will be harder for him to leave. If he wants to leave then why doesnt he just go? I dont know why he is playing so meny games. I keep going back and fourth and we end up in the same situation. The more I think about my son the more I think I would be much better off alone. My son needs me and I need him. My husband had made promises of being there for my son and for me. I have been doing everything alone. I no longer feel as if we are married. I feel like I can not ask him for help even if I needed it. What kind of life would that be to spend it with someone a man that is not there for you emotionaly except when he needs something. Someone that you cant openly talk to. Someone that you cant share your problems with. I thought he would be there as a husaband and I dont feel it. He has no repect for me then why do I keep trying. The more I think about it the more I hate him. Why do I care of what people think of him when he doesnt care about me? Maybe a part of me is thinking if things work out that it would be better for people in the family not to know about everything because they will not repect him. Why do I love him? I know that my son is important to me. IF he can not be there for both of us then I dont need him. Im so tired. Sometimes I want to end everything. I wish i can close my eyes and never wake up-but then what would happen to my son? I feel torn-lost,helpless. Im tired. Im so tired. I have my son and he is the only thing that has kept me going. I hurt -not for me but more for my son. What have I done. Was I self-fish to put him in this situation? I dont know why I trusted anyone. I new him and I thought he was real-but maybe he was never who I thought he was.

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I’m sorry ajnabi larki, but you will be making the worst mistake by going with this guy anywhere for a full week.

I already told you, don’t give him your personal time and don’t go out with him when he asks you to go out with him and don’t share your bed with him any longer either.

You keep coming back to square 1 - you do realize that?

You just need to decide what you want to do and then STICK to that decision. I don’t think you are doing this. You keep thinking about how you’re feeling all the time and what this is doing to your child. That’s fine. But pick a course of action and follow thru with it. Don’t be so wishy washy about this.

We’ve all already told you that he is doing a lot wrong by treating you like this. You know it yourself. Now figure out what you will do.

He is asking you to go away with him for one week.

  1. What are you going to do about your job - you’ll take off for a week? How will this affect your income? What if you get fired for being so distracted from your personal life? Are you doing your job well? Are you sure this isn’t affecting your performance at your job?

And most of all, if you do lose your job because you’re distracted by your husband, what do you think will happen? Do you think he’ll support you financially? He hasn’t been doing jack shyte up all this time - do you think he’ll support you financially?

No, he wants a divorce.

Here is what he wants most likely. Please listen to this, otherwise you will be royally screwed. Then cry all you want on GS, but frankly, I wont have any pity for you because you really should have known better!

He is going to take you on some vacation for one week. Don’t count on it being Paris.

He is going to play with you emotionally.

At the end of the week, he’s going to pull out divorce papers and ask you to sign.

He’s going to weaken you so much emotionally that he’ll get you to sign it - and guess what? Your parents are not around. Your lawyer is not around. There is no threat of any interference.

If he can, he can sign your condo away from you too.

Be careful. Don’t go on any trip with him. At this point, if I were you, I would be the one demanding a divorce and sending MY divorce papers to his home. Where his pyare se mummy daddy can see it in their mailbox.

From all that you’ve told us, what sends off red signals to me is that he’s afraid of getting lawyers involved. If he was some 20 year old immature kid, I could understand. But if he’s like 28 or whatever, there should be no reason he is afraid of lawyers.

The fact that he’s threatened you if you get your parents or your lawyers involved tells me there is something fishy going on. Better safe than sorry. Get a lawyer involved. He/she might be a rational/objective element which I think you strongly need to represent you. I think your emotions are totally taking over you, and you’ll probably screw up by doing something jazbati.

:k:

Good luck.

*chai*
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I agree with GuRya..you should make up your mind and stick with it. If you are thinking about your kid then your kid doesn’t need a father figure like him. It’s even worse for the kid in the long run. Us ki harkatoN pur pardah dalnay ki zaroorat nhin hai. You are not doing anyone a favour with that attitude.

I’m surprised the guy had the nerve to ask you out and say “We will see” after all he has done…what a character. Obviously he feels that you will do whatever he commands. You maybe trying to make things work..but he is having it his way..he should take the initiative to make things work as well…what’s with “we will see” statement? utter BS.

Like you said, he should come to your house..meet your parents and take you home. You should not accept any and I mean any other terms.

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Your kid needs a father but not one like him. The one who constantly lies, doesnt have enough balls to stand up to what he did, using/abusing you at his own leaisure. I would suggest that you need to move on with your life. But it is easier said than done. You should let his parents know that they failed in raising a 'man'. Do NOT give him anymore leeway. Stick to what you need of him to prove that he wants to get back with all the loyalty, honesty and will to fight out the tough times.

It would be pretty naive of me or anyone to say that you are still young and can move on because after such an experience you will be allergic to relationships for a long while. I hope you come out of it stronger and wiser.

kfis kfis kfo fey kfi bfo lafi afa tfi hfay ???
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This is my regular drivel. Please take with a heavy dosage of sanity.

I have not read it all i have skimmed it. This is going to be crude and extremely vulgar. But do you engage in intercourse with the man? You don't need to answer. But my personal opinion is that you are a booty call.

I do not mean to offend or make light of your situation. He does not go to family gatherings. He does not see your son. He does not see your family or spend any time with them yet he wants you to go away with him for the weekend. What are you gonna do over the weekend? Play cards?

Look if it is such a situation. Tell him to take a hike. Give him the boot. He is not worth it. If you can afford to find a new job and move cities. You can't "give" up the guy so leave him. Your son should be your priority.

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...a sad state of affairs this girl was in, i never knew people got this personal on GS.

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wow yea ...sad indeed.
i think people that really want an unbiased opinion and dont know who else to turn to come on GS and post their personal problems. Perhaps some find it easier to be open with people they dont know and will nvr meet.

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I wonder if everything turned out alright :sara:

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It's this very reason none of my sisters got married from back home, people are just so untrustworthy.