I was about 18 years old when my parents got me married. It was arranged. I was raised here in America and he was raised in Pakistan. We had problems from the beginning because he was having an affair. Anyways we ended our marriage with a divorce. He has since then got married. I have been living with my parents and and raising my son who is now 6.
The problem is-that my parents had been pressuring me to get remarried. I was engaged for about 2 years but the parents of the guy had decided they wanted him to marry someone else. We were too in love and attached to each other and he told them that he didnt want to marry anyone else. After alot of thinking about it we decided to just go to the musjid and do a Nikkah. He told his family he wanted to do this and he was going to marry me. They told him that they would not be involved. When we did the Nikkah nobody from his family came. I was as hurt as he was. Since the nikkah he has been coming to my house and my son loves him so much and has grown attached. We even got a apartment . The day we were suppose to pick up the key he cancelled it. Its been about 3 weeks now and I am still living with my parents. He is telling me that he cant just leave his family and that he is scared to tell his dad-who I thought already new! Now I am in a dilemma. My parents are wondering whats going on. I am trying to hide it from them. I am so scared of the situation. This is my second marriage and I belived everything he told me I just cant belive someone can change like that. He has not been to my house for afew days now but he wants me to come out and see him. I am scared of what everyone will say if this drags out and even more scared because my son is so attached to him. He is treating me more like a girlfriend then a wife. I dont know what I should do or who I should talk to. I try to talk to him but its usless. I am so scared of teh situation and feel hopeless. Does anyone have any advice for me? Is there a way I can make this work out? His parents wont even talk to me.
This is a really tricky situation... I assume that the reason his famliy didn't attend the nikah was that they were not happy about the whole affair. As I see that this guy actually got married with you but now he has some other thoughts about it... I would sy take your family into confidence as they will do whatever necessory for your comfort. He is your husband and if he is asking you to meet outside then do meet him and clear the hwole uncertainity with him. BUT 1st take your family into confidence. He must be under some pressure from his family thats why now he is a bit reluctant to go ahead with this relationship which he is already in to a point where he just can't walk away. You didn't mention whereabouts you are?... If you are in Pakistan then I will advise you to take some close friend who you can trust with you. but do talk with him and ask clearly.I hope the things will work out once you meet him.
AjnabiLarki:- Lets just look at it with only one angle. You are married to him and you have rights over him. First take your family into confidence and then make him understand that it is not a game that they played. He has got to be serious and there are laws to make him realise his responsibilities. Dont let him feel you are not prepared to take on to him. Allah is with you and He shall guide you to success, Insha-Allah. Aameen.
First of all, is your nikkah with him a religious document only, or has it been registered as a marriage in the marriage bureau (sp - whatever) of the states?
If its registered with the gov't, he can't do much hanky panky and get away with it. So you have legal rights as a WIFE. And he is responsible for both you and your child, whether he likes it or not.
If its only a religious document that some hashed up qazi made up, then you might be in trouble.
Secondly, DEFINITELY tell your family what has happened. If they're angry, whatever, they have to deal with the situation. His family is putting pressure on him. His family is already involved. Your family, therefore, has every right to be involved.
And sadly, I doubt you can battle his family on your own. You're going to need a back-up team - i.e. your own family.
This is your second marriage - do your UTTER best to make this one work.
Incidents like these keep reminding me how irresponsible and childish Pakistani men really are.
Be SERIOUS with him. Sit him down, tell him how you're feeling like his girlfriend rather than his wife, tell him that he NEEDS TO BE MATURE, and he needs to get his act together. Tell him the responsibility he now has legally, and religiously as a husband and how he's not living up to that responsibility. And tell him that HE HAS to put his foot down to his parents, especially now that a nikkah has already taken place.
What you might want to do is demand a really big family meeting - leave your kid out of it of course - but have his family, your family, and both of you sitting there and discussing this out FACE TO FACE. Desi families are REALLY horrible - they'll say something to your face and something behidn your back. So make sure everyone is sitting in the same room, so there are no lies and fibs.
Whatever you do, DO NOT let this guy a free ride. Tell him that he signed the nikahnama and that he is ANSWERABLE to Allah. He can NOT leave you like this just because he wants to make his parents happy NOW.
I am so upset over this whole situation. I never should have trusted him. When we got engaged he looked like he was so in control of his life and he was so smart in everything. He was there for me when I needed him. I thought that things would be better after marriage but he has changed over night. Now it seems like his family is putting some kind of pressure on him. When he is with me he tells me he loves me but when he is at home he wont answer his phone and when he does he has an attitude. I have asked him about it and all he says is that he is stressed. I have the nikkah and I am legally married in the US. I am so scared to tell anyone because I feel like I will be blames. I am trying to keep myself together but its hard. I have been trying to meet all his demands and do what he wants but why doesnt he understand what he is doing? I am so hurt. I wish I had someone that could really help me.
Some of the advices above are very wise. Read them carefully and again. Do not stress yourself. Assert yourself. You have married him legally so why worry? Let him worry instead.
dont let others govern your life, You let your parents govern it in the past and now this bloke.
What aspect of an individual are you lacking to put yourself through these circumstances. Na Na Na..
Nobody can help you except yourself. The only one thing you have to realize and undertand is that You cannot force a person to love or be with you.
Its their choice and if they dont wanto be with you then accept it diginity and move on, dont entangle relationships into pieces of paper and expect things to work out.
AjnabilaRki, give him a break. This person went against his family and married you. Secondly when you went to the masjid for the nikah you and your family knew that he does not have the blessings of his family, why are you wondering about what is happening now. Right now he is only trying to balance things out, it has only been a few days that he didnt show up at your place, but from what I understood he still called you and asked you to come over. Have some more faith in your man, he did take a big step that most guys never will. Be supportive, think of options, talk to him. Be a solutions provider and not the problem. Best of luck.
Then give him a divorce and move on. And this time, have your family and his family sit there in front of you guys during the divorce process.
His parents should be ashamed of themselves of breaking a family for no good reason. Let them get some gaaliyan during the divorce process.
Be brave, move on. Now you know, that when it comes to marriage matters, hidden nikkahs are no good. Marry a man who is not afraid to tell the world that he is married to you.
And shukar karo that you're free of this guy. You don't need him.
What am I going to do what do I tell my family and friends-Im so embaressed. I loved him so much and he told me he loved me. What kind of love is this? I am so hurt I dont know if I can move on. I want to just go to his house and shoot myself infront of his family-but I cant because I have to think of my son. I dont know how I will get pass this. I am so hurt right now I dont know what to do. I tell myself maybe i should get an apartment and then tell my family so I dont have to hear any thanai from anyone. first time it wasnt my fault and this time I know its not but nobody will ever belive it because it will be my second divorce. I dont trust anyone and I should never have trusted him.
Ajnabilarki, I understand that you are really hurt and upset right now. but you have to face the reality of the situation, first of all why did you get married chup chupa kar? even if you were divorced and his parents didn't agree, you shouldn't have married him. Just coz he said kay he loves you doesn't mean kay its 100%. You should've forced him to tell evryone that would have been the best for both of you and your son.
Now with the current situation, shooting yourself won't solve the problem, crying won't solve the problem the only thing that can solve the problem is divorcing him.. now you don't want to tell your family or friends but baat chupi na chupti hai.. so my advice like everyone else above simply is to TAKE YOUR FAMILY IN CONFIDENCE!
inshaAllah it will be all fine.. I will remember you in my prayers and make dua for you.
OK, let me get this straight...all of YOUR family knows that you are married to him BUT nobody from his family knows this? How can this be possible? I bet his parents KNOW he is married to you.
Just may Allah guide u and ur hubby to the right path 