Well you guys-He toke me out last night. HE made me think that he was going to make this work. He talked about us living togther. I prayed namaz and I have been asking Allah that he realizes what he is doing to me. Today he called me and told me that he is getting a lawyer and he said that all I would have to do is sign the papers. I give up. I told him if that is what he wants then thats fine. I can not fight his battles for him. I know he has alot o things going on in his life but i do to. I have neglected everyone in my life to make him happy and to show him I was with him. I can not fight this anymore. I need to get myself together for my son. I know he needs me.
He is only trying to be nice with you by taking you out and acting like a lil sissy to get an easy divorce process. Make it HELL for him. Do not sign any papers. Get YOUR OWN lawyer. This son of a bich needs a lesson.
Get hold of his home phone number and get your parents to speak to his parents (over the phone or in person). Don't have to tell him or anything. Please make sure his parents are aware of the situation before you decide to sign any papers.
If you want to teach him a lesson by all means tell his parents. If you wanna live with him & make it work then keep sacrificing and play along until he gathers the courage to tell his family.
Though I would say get a divorce, more like sign the papers or moun pay maro os kay and tell him when he is man enough to tell his parents then he can bring them to your door & you will think about it.
Get a lawyer (your own lawyer) to look at the divorce papers and let you know whether or not the terms and conditions in the document are unfair to you.
Some people might get the satisfaction out of 'teaching him a lesson' or by 'not letting him off easy'. But remember the longer this goes on, the more you will be agonizing yourself as well. He might get what he deserves but your emotional scars might get deeper in the process as well.
You know I have thought about getting myself a lawyer but what will that solve if he has already made up his mind. I think they are saying things to him at home and he is overwhelmed but I dont understand why he would make plans to leave me behind to deal with everything. He claims that if he is with me he will feel guilty and if he stays with them he will feel guilty so he wants to be alone. I know If I drag it out I know it will only be even more painful for me. It would be harder for my son. LAst night my son made tears come out of my eyes when he told me that he cant wait till his "DAD" come back from his business trip. I had told him he was on a business trip because he kept asking for him. I dont know how I will explain this to my son. I do know it would be harder if I drag this out and he gets even more attached. I do not want to be with somoene that can not man up to his responsibility. How do I know if now he is ok one day and the next day he is confused how he will be in the future. I never thought about getting re married -I wanted to focus on myself and my son. HE told me he loved me and I belived him. He told my parents he wanted to marry me and asked for my hand and when his parents turned against it he came and talked to my mom and assured her that he wanted to marry me and he would never let anything happen to her daughter. My dad was upset because we had been engaged for a while and his parents were giving problems. He said that if he wanted to get married then he needed to do it now or he needed to end the engagment. I told him that my father was only afraid because he didnt want me to be used. He promised me that was not the case. I should have known. If I ever married I wanted to be married to a man of his own someone that was open-had a kind heart and also new Islam. I thought he was all that. I thought that he would teach me about islam and help me become a better muslim. I was wrong. Even though everyone in my family knows we got our nikkah done they also know I do not live with him yet. They have all been waiting for a ruksathi party. My parents were suppose to have it before I left to move into the condo. I thought that maybe I could pretend and have it still and then tell everyone he got a job in another state but I wasnt going to go with him yet because my son was still young. I thought about that but I know that would be even worse if they find out a year or so from now that after the ruksathi he got the divorce. Its better they all find out now. Im just so scared. I dont know how this will affect my son. Im scared of being alone. How can someone make so many promises and then not follow through. Why does he lead me on. I guess he still wants the benefits of a wife until we get divorced but I will not give him that option anymore. I am so hurt and I am still not really sure how I am going to do this but I know that Allah will guide my way. I am still thinking about letting his parents know. I mean if my parents have to go through this pain then they should be ashamed about what thier son did. I think that if his mother had a daughter then and it happened to her daughter she would know how it feels to a mother with a daughter-then she will know the pain my mother will go through. She only has two sons-its easy for her to say you can marry this girl-oh no I changed my mind marry this one now. He is a guy and he will not have to deal with the stigma that I will have to deal with. He can go ruin anyones life and its ok because he is a guy. Do pakistani mothers that have sons realize that it is not fair to the girl? I mean even if he did this nikkah after it was done why wouldnt you say ok-you made the decision now you have to live with it. Instead you encourage your son to leave the girl. I wonder how his mother would have felt if her husband would have left her with his parents encouragement. It just really hurts. You only know the pain when it happens to you or someone that you know. I do want to tell his parents. He has already told me that if I talked to his parents then it would be worse. I thought about it and I think that is he has no remorse of what will happen to me when he runs away or how I will deal with. If he doesnt care and he has made this decision for both of us then I do want to tell his parents because there is nothig worse he can do then he is already doing. I am so hurt.
im very sorry you have to go through this ajnabi. and while i resent his threatening you very much, it is in your best interest to make sure no ugliness occurs. i would urge you to consider a lawyer again, or atleast have all documents you sign reviewed by a lawyer, not to drag him through the mud, but to make sure you get a fair share from the divorce. you live in a country that gives a lot of benefit to divorcees.. make sure you get what you should to the maximum extent of the law.
and you’re right about mothers forgetting how their own daughters would feel if they were in that situation, just as your husband didnt think of his sisters in your position. but you see four pages of condemnation, from men and women, maybe you just got unlucky. dont let random idiots like him tinge your worldview very much, the less you have that kind of ahole’s influence in your perspectives on life, the better.
as for your son, maybe, you could let him know that his “dad” turned out to be evil like some movie character hes seen and can identify with, and tell him that you just found out yourself and so you had him put in jail or something..
Ajnabi LaRki, you haven't told us much about the guy other than the fact that he is abusing the relationship. Is he financially independent? Is he in his early twenties or late twenties? What makes his parent's influence so overwhelming? Do you sense another potential rishta on the side for him? If he can make decisions for himself and is still trying to get out then it is very possible that he has got what he wanted out of you. You need to dig a little deeper to find out why he is acting the way he is.
Marrying a divorced woman with a responsibility of a kid is a bold step for any man let alone a boy. You took a bold step to trust him aswell..nothing wrong with 'settling down' in life. Every decision has consequences, good or bad, and facing them is the only choice we have. You took the decision and now you also have to follow through with it, don't get into a self pity mode...it's not good for you.
I think his parents need to know what their son has done. It's not for you to tell them but your parents. It might get ugly depending on how bad his family wants out so be prepared for it. While emotions can not be ignored, it is time for you to think logically and rationally as well. Do all your homework..lawyers, documents, witnesses should be ready (whether you use them or not).
I'm glad you are thinking of moving out but you don't have to deal with it all alone. Have your parents, siblings and close friends around you. Take one step at a time..it's not the end of the world. Things will work out for the better..don't worry.
I'm not telling you to get a lawyer so that maybe the lawyer can change his mind.
I'm asking you to get a lawyer, because this guy is NOT trustworthy, and you DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WILL BE SIGNING. I would not sign ANYTHING.
Exactly as Ahmadjee said - mun pe maaro papers, and tell him to come with his lawyer to your parents house where your lawyer will be awaiting him, so that everything is done fairly.
You have NO CLUE how screwed you could be getting. At least make sure he's not taking any haq away from you - like maybe he might be getting you to sign papers that say he gets part of your condo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So please be CAREFUL.
Also, I know this is none of my business, but you mentioned something about "benefits of having a wife".
Please do not sleep with this moron anymore. Please?
You know what I just realized????????????????????????
Okay, you MIGHT be pregnant with his child - I'm assuming you guys have consummated the marriage.
The divorce papers might absolve him of responsibility to any children that you might have from him.
Maybe that's why he's so afraid of having a lawyer involved, and why he keeps threatening you about a lawyer.
All the more reason to get a lawyer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Or at least tell him that you will definitely wait 3 months to make sure you are not pregnant and then you'll sign papers.
Also, his divorce papers might give him access to your condo or some of your wealth. If he's not making much money, then in some states, a guy has the right to ask alimony of his ex-wife. So maybe he's trying to pull some money from you as well.
DON'T FALL FOR IT!!!!
Get a lawyer! Jeez, I wish I was a lawyer. I'd be all over that SOB's business.
I think some of the guppies in her area should talk to her and help her out with the situation.
Given the pros for the lawyer, do get a lawyer and I still insist that you let his parents know. Your entire family and relatives are aware of the situation, yet no one on his side knows. It's only fair that people from his side of the family are also aware of it.
This guy is definitely not worth living with. Your son will forget about him and hopefully so will you, insha'Allah.
It's so hard to believe that a guy who spoke to your parents and asked for permission before getting married could turn around and treat you like crap.
I really hope you get a lawyer like advised by others and do get your parents to somehow speak to his parents before you sign divorce papers.
This man is 28 years old soon he will be 29 because his birthday is coming up. He is finacially stable-but that is not why i married him. I married him because I felt alone and he told he would always be there for me he seemed like a nice guy-he told me he loved me. He was into islam so that made me happy because i thought that he would teach me-also i thought that he would know what the rights are of a wife. His parents want him to marry his cousin. I know she is not the cause because he would have married her a long time ago and could have if he wanted to. HE has told me he can only see her as a sister and that is something I do not doubt. The thing is he has a very small family he family and he thought that they would get over it. HE wants things to happen over night. They didnt get over it and he has not pushed them the accept it-he just wants to make things right with them now. Its doesnt matter what happens to me. He feels like he is abandoning them. I told him that it doesnt have to be that way. He can still see his family he is a grown man. I would never stop him from that. The problem is that stop him from seeing me. Thinsg dont have to be as hard as they make it. IF they dont want to accept me then fine but why are they not letting us live our life and they can still be very involved in his life-they dont have to be so mean. The thing that bothers me is that i am willing to sacrifice everything to make this work. It hurts me that he changes his mind every other day. Emotionally he is unstable-because of them telling him things to mnake him feel bad. I dont give him any thanai. I told him to be there for his parents but I have asked him to be there for me as well. These desi parents watch indian movies and all these Dramas and they feel bad for the charectors and then when it happens in reality they dont care about the girl. I dont understand. I am just so confused. I would never have thought that he would change like that-over night. I wish they would let things work.
