Life is not very "practical" for divorcees and widows in our desi communities/countries. iLadies, abuse is very harsh word. OP said her MIL tells her to hold a glass a certain way...thats a motherly thing or a elderly thing ...and i don't see how its abusive. I am against abusive as well...BUT what OP described is not abuse.
MIL and SIL complain that she goes over to her Parents and they dont get to see her the kiddos...so they complain, how is that abusive.
i agree that life is tough for divorced/single women in pakistan but thats because we make it like that. if we stop thinking of divorce as such a stigma, life wouldn't be so hard for them. who gave the MIL the right to tell the OP what to do?? telling her to hold glass a certain way? come'on its not a motherly advise, more like a MIL who has to find flaws in every little thing. i have been there, done that.
No it's not abuse but it is torture, see how can you live with someone who will pick fault on everything you do and I mean everything maybe it's in her nature but sometimes you just want to scream like give me a break woman. Trying to ignore doesn't work with her she wil pick on next thing I do and I think now that she knows that I won't tell my parents because I don't wana stress them out she got free pass of everything. And she makes it sound like she is so genuine. I would rather have a straight forward discussion I don't like mind games and I am
Not good at them either.
is it an option for you to move out with your husband? does he have to live with his mother ?
No he will never move out. I can't blame him much he doesn't see her carrying on
All day long when he is at work and I don't wana ruin his evening by telling him what she is doing or saying. For him it's probably will be like just ignore it don't get stressed but he is not the one dealing with it. It's easier said than
Done. You can't be living a great life when
Highlight of your day is to night to happen so you can to room and hide and you dread waking up in the morning when it will all start and it's on such pity things like you missed a bit on the floor you didn't scrub the pot properly. There was a spoon in the sink.
It's what she says it's how long she can carry on and I mean we all
Need a break don't we. I am
Not perfect but I am
Not that bad either that she needs to highlight everything for me and her new favourite word nowadays how mrs so and so "trained" their dil I mean really?
No he will never move out. I can't blame him much he doesn't see her carrying on
All day long when he is at work and I don't wana ruin his evening by telling him what she is doing or saying. For him it's probably will be like just ignore it don't get stressed but he is not the one dealing with it. It's easier said than
Done. You can't be living a great life when
Highlight of your day is to night to happen so you can to room and hide and you dread waking up in the morning when it will all start and it's on such pity things like you missed a bit on the floor you didn't scrub the pot properly. There was a spoon in the sink.
Why don't you tell her that it's your home too and to let you do it all without her comments? Say it a bit nicely. If she doesn't stop then be more blunt. It seems like you are just venting. You need to let her know that this bothers you and she needs to stop.
No he will never move out. I can't blame him much he doesn't see her carrying on
All day long when he is at work and I don't wana ruin his evening by telling him what she is doing or saying. For him it's probably will be like just ignore it don't get stressed but he is not the one dealing with it. It's easier said than
Done. You can't be living a great life when
Highlight of your day is to night to happen so you can to room and hide and you dread waking up in the morning when it will all start and it's on such pity things like you missed a bit on the floor you didn't scrub the pot properly. There was a spoon in the sink.
in that case you have to defend yourself and talk back whenever shes crosses the line. the more you stay silent, the more she will take advantage of your khamooshi. trust me, i have seen MIL like yours, it's their habit to find flaws in everything and make your life hell. she needs to know her place and stop stepping on your foot. im sorry you're going through this.
but i think you should tell your husband. even if that will ruin his evening, it's also ruining your happiness. he needs to see how wrong his mother is.
OP i wouldn't argue with or tell the MIL off. That will just cause more issues. You need to talk to your husband and tell him that you can't handle it anymore and that he needs to speak to his mother. I haven't lived with a MIL likes yours, but believe it or not my own mother is very similar to your MIL. I had to live with it too. Ignoring is the only thing that helped me. Reminding yourself that you are a good person, not useless, don't have all those flaws, and that you keep your child and husband happy...will keep you sane.
Have you ever tried to distract your MIL while she is going on on on about stuff? A simple mind game, ask her how to do something, ask her to train you...you don't have to do it that way, just showing interest in her and her ways might calm her down.
just wondering how long it takes for a person who ignores all the
taunts and hurtful trash, puts seal on lips, to recover from the mental damage done to himher during that course. Just wondering. Some questions arent important enough.
So agree with this!!!! In our society, DILs are treated as slaves or little kids who must do as they are told and seen and not heard. This kind of treatment is verbal abuse! And it goes on because the husband allows it and due to financial constraints, fears of being stigmatized, or the sake of the kids, women are scared to take a stand, because, what if he divorces me ?
Unfortunately, this is true if you want to survive in the slave's world that are some of the "susrals"
out there. Yes, ideally you shouldn't, but there are many reasons, top most being not financially strong enough. Because, you can't talk back to the I laws as hubby dearest has most likely said to her" ignore what Ammi says, she's older to us, etc", while doing nothing to stop the verbal abuse. And if the DIL talks back then hubby gets mad too saying " why did u argue with Ammi?"
I agree with 1 and 3, but not 2. From personal experience, speaking up with in-laws like these doesn't make the blindest bit of difference. It really doesn't. You can try logic, reason, or go down the Islamic route and bring out hadith after hadith and Quranic quote. They won't care. If they want to walk all over you - THEY WILL.
And OP has mentioned that husband is a mama's boy, so it makes it even more difficult.
I have to agree with rabia on this; best thing is to just to learn to ignore them. Play them at their own game: be sweet to them, look after them.... but ultimately if you want to go and visit your parents - you do it. If you are meethi meethi upar se, they won't have anything against you. I'm sorry but it's just how the game works.
So agree with this!!!! In our society, DILs are treated as slaves or little kids who must do as they are told and seen and not heard. This kind of treatment is verbal abuse! And it goes on because the husband allows it and due to financial constraints, fears of being stigmatized, or the sake of the kids, women are scared to take a stand, because, what if he divorces me ?
this is a major problem amongst pakistani women. too much dependence on their husbands. it's not just a financial issue, divorce is just such a bad 'daagh' as they call it, it is super hard for divorced women to get re-married in our society. I can understand if you have to put up with some 'nakhray' or demands of your husband, but to put up with HIS family is just unfair. i would never be able to do it, and women who do are literally saints.
(before someone jumps on my neck, i am not suggesting OP or anyone leave their spouse, i m just talking about general issues faced by desi women)
I can understand how you feel. during my trip to pak my MIL would suggest my hubby to slap me for whatever she didnt like. she meant as a joke but i hated it. recently she told hubby to shift to pak as his sisters can not live without him. his sisters were meant to walk with him when going out while i was left behind with my kids, sit in the front seat with him. tell him wat to wear when going out. discuss with them wat he wears and why or wat to eat.
few years ago, MIL was most talked about lady in our family. She had so sense, below average, wastes money according to my extended family. ever1 used to pick on her.
few months ago when i visited her after 4 years, i realised she is changed so much. now she acts so smart and and acts educated. noone can say after meeting her that she never went to school. i was amazed how she changed so much but at the same time she became big player too.
You cant just put aside your husband by saying that he is mama's boy or that he does not take anything seriously. If you actually are going through all this, you are probably taking that because of your kids and your husband. He is the KEY to make things easier but he is not going to change overnight. You have to keep working on him with you losing patience. Do not just sit and do nothing.
Start working on your husband. Some of us get ticked of easily when wife talks about our moms and sisters so chose your words sensibly without using too many negative words. You are doing good so far Mashallah.
Good luck, OP. I hope MIL changes or hubby helps...i can't fathom how mentally stressing it must be to be criticized and commented on by someone all the time.
Unfortunately, this is true if you want to survive in the slave's world that are some of the "susrals"
out there. Yes, ideally you shouldn't, but there are many reasons, top most being not financially strong enough. Because, you can't talk back to the I laws as hubby dearest has most likely said to her" ignore what Ammi says, she's older to us, etc", while doing nothing to stop the verbal abuse. And if the DIL talks back then hubby gets mad too saying " why did u argue with Ammi?"
Not necessarily. There is a difference between just silently allowing them to continue to treat you the way they do, compared to silently playing them at their own game. I am not advocating that bahu's should try to ignore the MIL and hope things don't turn to abuse as some have suggested. What I am advocating is to make use of tact. Knowing what to say, when to say and how to say it. This also involves learning to pick your battles.
If MIL is making a small comment on the way OP holds a glass - just ignore it. But if she starts complaining why have you gone out to your parents for so long when SIL was waiting at home for the kids... that's when you have to be tactful. You could say 'oh mera dil pichlay dinno se SIL ke liye itna udaas tha agar mujhe pata hota hai ke woh aaj aa rahi hain to main baahir nai jaati hun... unko kehna ke XYZ din aajain' <<< this way you are pretending you care about the SIL and the MILs feelings, but at the end of the day you're still getting to do what YOU want i.e. go to your parents house and sit as long as you want there. Also, by specifying a time you are controlling WHEN they come so it's at a time to suit you. And uper se it looks like you're really loving and you actually missed them.
It's all about playing a game. When you have in-laws like this is something you just HAVE to do.
but sometimes it's best to walk away. im not saying this for the OP or anyone else here at all, but from my own experience, the best thing i ever did was to walk away from a man who didn't stand up for me against his mother who always used to boss me around and wanted me to do things her way. never in a million years would I let a MIL or any inlaw walk all over me or tell me what to do.
Of course you have to judge whether the relationship is worth saving or not. If the mental torture and abuse of the MIL is getting too much, and the husband is completely and utterly oblivious, or worse, ignoring your difficulties, then I'd agree with you that you'd have to consider is the relationship worth all this hassle? In such cases I am no way advocating to attempt to ignore the behaviour of the MIL or anyone else. I know of people who have had MILs like this, and the best thing they did was walk away.
It's a fine line - you have to be the judge. If you see a glimmer of hope in your husband then I suggest it's worth it. But if he's a deadbeat who'd rather be married to his mum than you - WALK!
OP, your situation is almost same as mine. I dnt abt ur husband but my husband made our relation worse. and the result is, im living wd my parents. My husband didnt bother to look at my state at time of fight. I was 3rd month pregnant and he damn care abt us till date. So if u want to live wd ur husband at any cost then bear all this things and never left ur house. whatever happens, stick wd ur husband, whether he supports u or not. Go to ur parents, meet them and return to ur home. thats all, listen to ur in-laws and avoid sharing wd ur husband if he don't support u.
OP, your situation is almost same as mine. I dnt abt ur husband but my husband made our relation worse. and the result is, im living wd my parents. My husband didnt bother to look at my state at time of fight. I was 3rd month pregnant and he damn care abt us till date. So if u want to live wd ur husband at any cost then bear all this things and never left ur house. whatever happens, stick wd ur husband, whether he supports u or not. Go to ur parents, meet them and return to ur home. thats all, listen to ur in-laws and avoid sharing wd ur husband if he don't support u.
Of course you have to judge whether the relationship is worth saving or not. If the mental torture and abuse of the MIL is getting too much, and the husband is completely and utterly oblivious, or worse, ignoring your difficulties, then I'd agree with you that you'd have to consider is the relationship worth all this hassle? In such cases I am no way advocating to attempt to ignore the behaviour of the MIL or anyone else. I know of people who have had MILs like this, and the best thing they did was walk away.
It's a fine line - you have to be the judge. If you see a glimmer of hope in your husband then I suggest it's worth it. But if he's a deadbeat who'd rather be married to his mum than you - WALK!
agreed. in my opinoin, dead beats who are not going to stand up for their wives against their mothers are not worth keeping. i understand you cannot control what someone else says but then husband should be okay if the wife defends herself and talks back. if he wants to stay out of it, then let the wife talk back, and if you dont want that to happen, talk to your mother yourself and tell her shes wrong. you cannot just sit back, tell your wife to shut up and let her get verbally abused and bossed around. this is such horrific mental torture. sadly so many women go through this.