^ She can do all the above that you mentioned, but since her husband doesn't see it as a big issue (mentioned by OP), he won't support her arguing with them either. And then what??? fight with the husband too, go move in with her parents...and thn divorce...over what??? over - MIL said you don't spent time with the nand, or the SIL doesn't get to see the children.
Her inlaws dont have rights over her, but her husband does....and since he isn't visiting them either, the situation can easily change for the worse.
You have to make things work, and make them stronger, not break them.
If the husband agreed with her, and supported her in this issue...she could at that time speak up.
Completely agree. Been there, done that, almost literally, except for shukr hai the divorce part.
The problem ultimately is the husband in these scenarios - he is so attached to his mother and sister that he will put them first before his wife - always. Glamsy: I bet when that comment after your birth was made by your MIL, you husband immediately took her side, right? He could never think of taking his wife's side, even when his mother is COMPLETELY in the wrong. It's just the way these type of women raise their sons - to be their complete and utter ghulams.
You have to stick with your husband; give him time because he has been attached to his mother for so many years, and now you have come along for a fraction of that time, so obviously it is going to take time before he can begin to treat you the way he treats his mother. MILs know this full well so they take advantage of the situation from the beginning. But eventually (I believe...) once you stick with your husband long enough, you both start to become one unit, and he WILL stick up for you and see your side of things in difficult times. You just have to have patience.
I would be gone if I ever had to be this pretentious. No wonder our women are so messed up. From the beginning until the end, all we are doing is pretending and then we unfold the same crap on our DILs.
Well, you totally have the right to leave. But all marriages are tough - whether it's MIL issues or something else. You can't just walk away every time you face hardship.
Well, you totally have the right to leave. But all marriages are tough - whether it's MIL issues or something else. You can't just walk away every time you face hardship.
but sometimes it's best to walk away. im not saying this for the OP or anyone else here at all, but from my own experience, the best thing i ever did was to walk away from a man who didn't stand up for me against his mother who always used to boss me around and wanted me to do things her way. never in a million years would I let a MIL or any inlaw walk all over me or tell me what to do.
Well, you totally have the right to leave. But all marriages are tough - whether it's MIL issues or something else. You can't just walk away every time you face hardship.
Of course, they are but they don't have to be! Why don't we tell our women to resolve their issues instead of ignoring them? Women leave their homes and families too! why don't the guy and his parents ever remember that? Why don't women remind them of this fact?! Why do we continue to teach our women that ignoring things for another 10 years will gain you respect of your husband?
The truth is it's on our mind but we don't say it because it's not practical. What's practical is staying in a marriage where abuse is not just common but is expected. For desis, ignoring abuse and putting up with bossy inlaws is practical but walking away or standing up to them is not practical at all because divorce is what they are all afraid of. As if all good men are dead or as if men are incapable of change. It's really not their fault either because we teach our women to act "mazloom" for another fifteen years so the husband can finally see how the becharriii wife has suffered.
The truth is it's on our mind but we don't say it because it's not practical. What's practical is staying in a marriage where abuse is not just common but is expected. For desis, ignoring abuse and putting up with bossy inlaws is practical but walking away or standing up to them is not practical at all because divorce is what they are all afraid of. As if all good men are dead.
agreed. divorce is the worst thing in our ridiculous culture, but putting up with abuse whether its verbal or mental is completely okay. as a matter of fact, its one of the qualities that makes one a good 'bahu', the amount of BS shes willing to put up with from her MIL, SIL, etc..
again we all have to judge how much abuse vs how much happiness is in a relationship. you can't shut someone up or stop them from saying things, but you should expect your husband to at least stand up for you and tell whoever is wrong that they are wrong, even if it's his mother.
Of course, they are but they don't have to be! Why don't we tell our women to resolve their issues instead of ignoring them? Women leave their homes and families too! why don't the guy and his parents ever remember that? Why don't women remind them of this fact?! Why do we continue to teach our women that ignoring things for another 10 years will gain you respect of your husband?
^ these are nobel thoughts, but will take time to become true. This would only work where the husbands, inlaws, parents, and the wife thought at the same level. Not when only the wife thinks this why.
And in OP's situtation, only the wife and maybe her parents think that why, NOT the inlaws or husband.
^ these are nobel thoughts, but will take time to become true. This would only work where the husbands, inlaws, parents, and the wife thought at the same level. Not when only the wife thinks this why.
And in OP's situtation, only the wife and maybe her parents think that why, NOT the inlaws or husband.
And all that changes when a woman becomes independent. Independence is the key! The change begins with us but we are too busy teaching our women old tactics.
Life is not very "practical" for divorcees and widows in our desi communities/countries. iLadies, abuse is very harsh word. OP said her MIL tells her to hold a glass a certain way...thats a motherly thing or a elderly thing ...and i don't see how its abusive. I am against abusive as well...BUT what OP described is not abuse.
MIL and SIL complain that she goes over to her Parents and they dont get to see her the kiddos...so they complain, how is that abusive.
Life is not very "practical" for divorcees and widows in our desi communities/countries.
Ladies, abuse is very harsh word. OP said her MIL tells her to hold a glass a certain way...thats a motherly thing or a elderly thing ...and i don't see how its abusive. I am against abusive as well...BUT what OP described is not abuse.
MIL and SIL complain that she goes over to her Parents and they dont get to see her the kiddos...so they complain, how is that abusive.
Well, if OP has to question her sanity then I wonder. Besides, I was making a general point. OP can continue to ignore and soon their behavior will become abusive if it's not already. Life is not practical for divorcees because that's how we think and that's what we tell others too. The day we stop giving sh**, it will become as practical as being married. It really depends on what we value. We value being married a little too much. We think our rozi roti will come from getting married to a guy because again, we tell our women a man must provide for you..
I agree with points from both sides because marriage is such a complicated matter that one rule doesn't apply to all therefore different techniques are needed.
However, the blame ultimately lies with the husband. When will these husbands realise that they need to balance the relationships, both relationships have their own places and neither one is more important than the other. A guy should not forget that a Mother is someone who will love you unconditionally and there is jaanat under the mothers feet and a wife is your life partner who you will spend all your highs and lows with and the mother of you children. They are in no way competition to each other the sooner these three people in the relationships learn this the better. DIL needs to understand her MIL place and vice versa.
Of course, they are but they don't have to be! Why don't we tell our women to resolve their issues instead of ignoring them? Women leave their homes and families too! why don't the guy and his parents ever remember that? Why don't women remind them of this fact?! Why do we continue to teach our women that ignoring things for another 10 years will gain you respect of your husband?
OMG 5000% agree with the statement in Bold. I'm sick and tired of this thinking, it is nothing but stupidity to put this in the minds of girls. Yes I agree there needs to be comprises and sometimes the girl has to do more but that doesn't mean you lose your self respect and don't stand up for yourself. I don't know what I'm going to do when I get married hopefully I won't even have to consider doing this mazloom aurat drama in the first place. If someone says something to me that has p*ssed me off, I will have to answer back. Yes I understand sometimes you have to take a few bullets and ignore a few things but that doesn't mean you start acting like a bechari. Just pick and choose your battles and only that should be taught to the girls. What guarantee is there that the guy and his family will suddenly start appreciating you because you Bardashted everything for the past 10 years? Absolutely none!!!
No it's not abuse but it is torture, see how can you live with someone who will pick fault on everything you do and I mean everything maybe it's in her nature but sometimes you just want to scream like give me a break woman. Trying to ignore doesn't work with her she wil pick on next thing I do and I think now that she knows that I won't tell my parents because I don't wana stress them out she got free pass of everything. And she makes it sound like she is so genuine. I would rather have a straight forward discussion I don't like mind games and I am
Not good at them either.
No it's not abuse but it is torture, see how can you live with someone who will pick fault on everything you do and I mean everything maybe it's in her nature but sometimes you just want to scream like give me a break woman. Trying to ignore doesn't work with her she wil pick on next thing I do and I think now that she knows that I won't tell my parents because I don't wana stress them out she got free pass of everything. And she makes it sound like she is so genuine. I would rather have a straight forward discussion I don't like mind games and I am
Not good at them either.
Have you ever told her off? What was her reaction?
Plus according to her her daughters have anger issues they can get angry about everything and everyone else should be then quiet to accommodate it like how my sil was angry that she couldn't see the kids when they both knew where we were I mean seriously how can
You cope with people who are always thinking of ways to put you down. Life is not suppose to be this difficult.
