Julie I appreciate your comment thanks. I am working on getting out of this relationship and more importantly making sure that I stay out. Rishtay ke baat I worry about later I just want to live my life for now
What would have my parents done.. is something that I've often wondered. I'm pretty sure it would at the very very least involve a massive drama and our family completely cutting ties from his, although my parents don't normally approve of such actions.. And he knows it would be serious so he's told me never to tell anyone about us till the day I die. He was annoyed when I told one of my other cousins and I don't think this thread is kosher either
Sometimes over the years I'v had issues with him even like little arguments which I didn't know how to deal with and especially at those times I wish I could just turn to my parents who know me and love me more than anyone else in the world.
But I could never tell them because I wouldn't be able to deal with the look on my father's face.. So I have to deal with this mess alone.
*disappointed and shocked look on my father's face
Dont worry to much about ur parents I think when they cool down they will proberly dont blame u for anything u were young and didnt knew better and they will see that.
Yes to the first part but I think we both made compromises for each other.
Yes he did have major problems with me socialising with other guys at first but it's more of a culture clash than anything else. If I were in pak I don't think i'd socialise much with guys cuz they come across as quite pervy (sorry!) whereas here being friendly doesnt mean being suggestive. Anyhow he did/ still is slowly come to terms with it once we talked it through. I think its more to do with insecurity between us as we are so soo far apart for most of the time and so feel kinda over protective of the other.
I talk and worry about religion more than he does lol. He's a decent guy and I do admit some conversations have been bordering on dodgy but they were as much my fault as his. I'd rather not discuss that further
Yes he does. As do I. (sad times for us both)
I don't know what exactly you were trying to say with these guesses but there are my answers.
I came up with these guesses because I have a knack for it.
He most definitely did not make any compromises worth calling compromises.
Yeah sure, culture clash yet he doesn't have a problem with the two of you talking. Hypocrisy a word you're familiar with?
You didn't need to answer that and I commend you for being brave enough. That again tells me a lot about that person.
Yep, that's what people like him do. Dodgy.
I'm not trying to say anything. I wanted you to realise that a majority of Yes answers to my guesses should raise some serious concerns and hopefully lead you to walk away from this 'relationship'. I knew I'd have a 100% Yes list before you answered those points.
Listen, you keep defending him by admitting complicity in the situations I've described but trust me you're not at fault. Don't blame yourself. You did not know any better and you still don't know any better. You were just a little girl when this guy approached you. And he told you he always liked you? Wow. Also don't worry about your parents, they should pick the side of a child influenced by a creepy 22 year old.
Seriously there are plenty of guys out there who will show you attention. He isn't the last guy on the planet. You're still very young and will have a great life ahead of you. But this is just unhealthy. Walk away. Its not going to be easy but do it. For your own sake.
Hi, just came across your post whilst I was on my break from writing this stupid dissertation!!!! AAAaaaaaaakh
Anyway, when I read the start of the post I thought "woah, this girl has SUCH a similar life to my own"...until I got to the part about age difference and everything I see above (skipped quite a few pages).
Think logically, if you saw a 14 year old child on the street being approached by a 22 year old man wouldn't you automatically think "PERV"? Or if you even hear about it from a friend?
Say he is genuine, then understanding each others point of view is very important. sacrifices are made by BOTH sides. As far as I can see here it is you sacrificing a whole career over this guy! IMO he should understand what this could mean for you. I know it seems scary living in pakistan, but perhaps a better compromise would be moving to pak to be with him whilst being allowed to practise medicine?
Like I said before, yours is a fairly similar life to my own, except we aren't cousins by blood, he lives in pak and I'm in britain and he confessed to me YEARS ago...I was 15 or 16 and he's 2 years older than me. I really really liked him but, it felt too serious at that age so I told him I need to focus on my education and broke up with him after a year. I didn't speak to him until last year so that was 4 years I didnt see him and I totally avoided talking to him when my mum phoned pak. last year I met him and he had become mature, responsible and hard working. He supported his whole family and knew how to speak to his elders. I was also more mature, I'd competely enjoyed my life for these years, made lots of friends, got into a uni, working etc etc. We were ready to commit to each other and we got engaged. He understands my passion for...well...not being a housewife, and I understand his workaholicness (sometimes) and are ready compromise.
Maybe you should try something like that? Create some space, try some time away from him so you can actually experience other things without the constant weight on your shoulders of a guy waiting for you? Try working for 2 years after uni and then consider marriage?
Also, family problems seem like a big issue, but your parents would be more upset if their daughter is unhappy with her married life. If they explain properly hopefully his parents won't be so upset. Or if you try to explain everything to him, he could take care of his parents himself. Your 19, you've got plenty of time for marriage. Just relax.
Istikhara is also a good idea. xx
*If you really really really luv him then u would have to be with him the way he says and if he really luvs u then he would allow the things u want to do ... personally i didn't understand why he wouldn't let u work after marrige, ummm and how he doesn't want to come to uk but instead just stay in pak. *
*anywayz.... try to convince him. *
** i would really suggest to break up with him if he can't comprimise for you i mean it doesnt work when only 1 person has to do everything, but if u really think u can't live without him then do whatever makes u the most happiest. i'm just saying don't make a descion that u may regret later on in your life. And pluse your only 15 yearz old ...a lot of things change when one growz up.. so yea lol Goodluck ^_^**
Julie I appreciate your comment thanks. I am working on getting out of this relationship and more importantly making sure that I stay out. Rishtay ke baat I worry about later I just want to live my life for now
What would have my parents done.. is something that I've often wondered. I'm pretty sure it would at the very very least involve a massive drama and our family completely cutting ties from his, although my parents don't normally approve of such actions.. And he knows it would be serious so he's told me never to tell anyone about us till the day I die. He was annoyed when I told one of my other cousins and I don't think this thread is kosher either
Sometimes over the years I'v had issues with him even like little arguments which I didn't know how to deal with and especially at those times I wish I could just turn to my parents who know me and love me more than anyone else in the world.
But I could never tell them because I wouldn't be able to deal with the look on my father's face.. So I have to deal with this mess alone.
:(
Hun, there's a reason why 99% o the people here are agreeing on the same thing.
Any guy who tells you to keep your relationship a secret KNOWS that you're doing something that's not right...He knew you felt guilty and bad and has kept emoitonally blackmailing you to keep you in the relationship--that's mental and emotional abuse.
I know its easier for us to say b/c we're not in your situation but seriously GTFA from him, everything about him screams manipulative control freak. Honestly speaking--the culture clash isn't an issue. But the whole foundation of your relationship was wrong from the start.
I know you may be scared of hurting your parents, but most parents love their children unconditionally. You say your parents have gotten his rishta--are you willing to say "no" to it? will your parents take a no?
Ask any parent here, any 20 something guy comes on to their teenager daughter, they will break his legs.
I came up with these guesses because I have a knack for it.
He most definitely did not make any compromises worth calling compromises.
Yeah sure, culture clash yet he doesn't have a problem with the two of you talking. Hypocrisy a word you're familiar with?
You didn't need to answer that and I commend you for being brave enough. That again tells me a lot about that person.
Yep, that's what people like him do. Dodgy.
I'm not trying to say anything. I wanted you to realise that a majority of Yes answers to my guesses should raise some serious concerns and hopefully lead you to walk away from this 'relationship'. I knew I'd have a 100% Yes list before you answered those points.
Listen, you keep defending him by admitting complicity in the situations I've described but trust me you're not at fault. Don't blame yourself. You did not know any better and you still don't know any better. You were just a little girl when this guy approached you. And he told you he always likedgyd you? Wow. Also don't worry about your parents, they should pick the side of a child influenced by a creepy 22 year old.
Seriously there are plenty of guys out there who will show you attention. He isn't the last guy on the planet. You're still very young and will have a great life ahead of you. But this is just unhealthy. Walk away. Its not going to be easy but do it. For your own sake.
Can I add a guess?
Has he threatened to bring out those dodgy conversations whenever you argued with him?
Has he threatened to bring out those dodgy conversations whenever you argued with him?
Even though that is possible, its unlikely here I reckon. That would be detrimental to the grasp he has on this girl. It might push her away and will surely expose him as a creep who hooked with a 14 year old. So he won't want that. What he will want is to remind her at most, a subtle hint of her being an accomplice if you will. She starts thinking too much and he reminds her how they had those convos and all that. Kinda like a fear but not a direct threat. But that's ofcourse all guesswork.
LOL…that would be creepy…like horror movie creepy. Just picture it: This girl posts on an online forum about her relationship with a guy who is 8 years older than her. She gets advised by a very wise poster…who seems to understand her boyfriend and relationship VERY VERY WELL…it’s practically an EXACT understanding. He helps her out…and he’s charming…and intelligent…and she falls for him. He asks to meet up. Being naive as she is…she agrees. He gives her the address to his place…she shows up. The door to the house is open. She asks out loud “Hello…anybody home?” He calls out “I’m down here”…she slowly goes down the steps…and enters the basement. And there he is…this middle aged balding man…with a several girls …not much older than 12…doing his bidding like mindless zombies. That’s when the Twilight music plays.
Hahaha! I am not going to confirm or deny your insinuation!
P.S. PM me for details
Damnit, you’re supposed to give me a headstart! Now she’s never going to want to meet up with me! Thanks for letting this one get outta my grasp. Hahaha I have to hand it to you. You’re like spot on, minus the middle aged balding part; I still have all my hair
Acha on a level, I understand people really well and I’ve been around almost all kinds of people. I really think I should be like a Private Eye/Consultant/Counsellor or something. I think I could make some money there, don’t you reckon?
So following me raising my concerns, things got a little heated between us and we've now broken up. It wasn't a nice way of ending a relationship thats kept us together for so long.. but I guess I can't change that now.
He did have decent answers to my concerns.. but it's right back to square one now with me feeling guilty for ever causing the argument
It's kinda difficult right now for me to deal with. I wish he'd see me in a more positive light but I came across as immature and argumentative. I feel a little lost having lost such a large pillar in my life
I've had arguments with him before and I've always gone back to him afterwards. The maximum was probably 7 months that I stayed away. Minimum a few hours lol I know he's tired of my behaviour now and has sworn he won't ever take me back now.
Keeping in mind all the concerns I had in my heart, and all the advice that you guys gave I'm just trying to be strong now and deal with it a day at a time. I've taken some pain killers and had a hot cup of tea to get rid of my headache and nausea hopefully. I'm going to submerge myself in the community work that I'm involved in, socialising with friends and most importantly my studies. I have an exam in two days eek!
At the end of this thread I doubt I'm going to be spending much time on GS only because I'l be so busy in exams and what not. So I'd like to thank all those who gave advice You don't know how much it helped.
So following me raising my concerns, things got a little heated between us and we've now broken up. It wasn't a nice way of ending a relationship thats kept us together for so long.. but I guess I can't change that now.
He did have decent answers to my concerns.. but it's right back to square one now with **me feeling guilty **for ever causing the argument
It's kinda difficult right now for me to deal with. I wish he'd see me in a more positive light but I came across as immature and argumentative.** I feel a little lost having lost such a large pillar in my life**
I've had arguments with him before and I've always gone back to him afterwards. The maximum was probably 7 months that I stayed away. Minimum a few hours lol I know he's tired of my behaviour now and has sworn he won't ever take me back now.
Keeping in mind all the concerns I had in my heart, and all the advice that you guys gave I'm just trying to be strong now and deal with it a day at a time. I've taken some pain killers and had a hot cup of tea to get rid of my headache and nausea hopefully. I'm going to submerge myself in the community work that I'm involved in, socialising with friends and most importantly my studies. I have an exam in two days eek!
At the end of this thread I doubt I'm going to be spending much time on GS only because I'l be so busy in exams and what not. So I'd like to thank all those who gave advice You don't know how much it helped.
Love, Princess
You're feeling guilty....you see him as a large pillar in your life (I don't know why.....since some of the opinions he's imposed on you have and that you've followed have hurt you....and he doesn't want you to complete your education or have a career ...a noble one with much reward in it....basic rights that even religion doesn't forbid you.....so i don't know how or why you see him as a "pillar") I think you see him as someone you got very very very used to having around....and he was your first and only boyfriend....but he stifled you, Princess. Can't you see it. You admit to these things in your post....and then you go back to questioning them. You said yourself that you're strong and confident around others.......but around him you're so subdued.......well, you're not being yourself around him.....somehow that side of yours is not coming out....moreover he's not letting you be you (the whole education/career thing).
Spend some time finding out who YOU really are. 19 is young....I didn't know myself well at that time....as time passes and you graduate and have a job...you become more sure of yourself and what you want etc. So, take this time to concentrate on your studies, your goals, socializing.....and in the process at some later point you may even find someone on the same wavelength as you....someone whose mindset is not so opposite of your own ....someone who is understanding of your goals/dreams that make you an individual, etc.
^ I'm a logical and reasonable person, and I know in my heart of hearts that what you all say makes sense. It's just difficult to accept straight away but I'm working on it. Right now I just want to be happy :)
You’re on the right track and you’re a strong girl :k:
You’ll get over it…it’s tough in the beginning…but you have to keep yourself busy…remind yourself of the negative points in the relationship…and with time the intensity of the hurt will decrease. You say that “right now” you just want to be happy…which implies you were less than happy or content with this guy. IF you had been perfectly content…you wouldn’t have created a thread with such major concerns in the first place. He may try to contact you…and try to convince you to come back to him…just don’t fall for it. He says he’s not going to take you back…but this is easier said than done. You said you’re taking a break from him…so you need to stand firm in this decision…if you surrender by apologizing and going back to him…you’re sending him the message that you’re easy to manipulate. You’re not obligated to be in a relationship with him…he can’t force you…he should respect your need for space. If he starts getting angry…and makes threats…or blackmails you…says hurtful things/verbally abuses you…then that should be an even clearer indication that you need to stay clear from him. Can’t have a relationship with someone who can’t even manage to respect you. Best wishes.
You will feel lost for a bit…he was such a major part of your life for so long. But you cant marry a man you feel guilty discussing your concerns with…thats stifling. You cant spend your life with a man who made you give up your dreams to fit into his world…what about your world? Even if you married him and were happy in the beginning, you would hate him later on.
Be brave, strong and keep yourself on track. You have no idea how big of a favor you’ve done yourself…Inshallah…things will be more than fine. You’ll see.
Thanks for letting this one get outta my grasp. Hahaha I have to hand it to you. You’re like spot on, minus the middle aged balding part; I still have all my hair 
