Hi I’m a new member of this site. I’ve been reading posts for a while and have now finally plucked up the courage to post here.
I’m looking for serious advice about the situation i’m in:
Basically I’ve been in a relationship with a first cousin of mine for the past five years (since I was fourteen) It was initiated by him and I immediately fell head over heels for him. Our relationship has been very up and down throughout. He’s based in pak whilst I’m in the uk. More times than I can remember I have become incredibly scared at what I’m doing, freaked out and told him it was over. I have always ended up going back to him and apologising. He’s been patient with me but I know it’s breaking him inside and there’s only so much a guy can take.
Now recently our rishta is slooowlyy getting organised.
I’m in a real dilemma concerning what to do about this rishta and our future. The bad points are:
we obv have very different mentalities and ideologies
he’s very bright and capable mA but still hasn’t been able to secure a job
he wants to settle in pak whereas that just scares me
im studying medicine and hes clearly told me that i wont be allowed to hav a job after marriage. He did try to discourage me from starting medschool
i have no experience of living with extended family since they’re all based in pakistan. I am thus terrified of family disputes and how to deal with pakistani mentalities. Being a typical desi wife sounds suffocating to me
Good points:
I’ve been with him for so long that our romantic memories are so damn deeply rooted within me
he’s the only guy i’v ever loved truly and i know i’m the same for him (childhood sweethearts lol)
I’ve thought this through so many times over the years but I still don’t really know what to do. He’s aware of how I feel and has tried reassuring me to have faith in God and not to stress out too much right now. I guess it’s female nature to worry and I just don’t want to regret the decision later on.
Wow, seems like you have more negative than positive points.
You admitted to telling him several times that it's "over" and then you go running back to him and apologize. If you know that this behavior of yours is frustrating for him.....then you need to quit it. *******Also, if you have decided to "end" the relationship several times.......then I see this as an area of concern. Mainly that something about the relationship is bothering you for you to have done that several times....and you need to really reflect over whether or not you want to go through with this because....marriage is not a short-term decision.
As far as the job is concerned.....the economy is bad all over....and many people are out of work. Seems like the situation is worse in Pakistan. You can talk to him about coming to the UK and trying to find a work there.
If becoming a doctor is a goal that's very close to your heart.....and he's dead against it......that may cause some bitterness/resentment later on. I think that your family (parents) need to speak to his parents about your desire to complete med school and to have a career. Unfortunately, I have seen cases where the guy's parents will assure the girl's parents that they will support her in completing her education and career.....and then after the wedding......they're not at all open to the idea. And then when kids enter the picture....it becomes hard to complete school. I have a few friends with kids who are finding it very frustrating to attend classes. They can only take a couple per semester, so it takes them longer to finish. So, you have to decide whether you can give up on your career goals and be a housewife. Talk to your cousin about why he's so against you going to med school and having a career.....talk about ways to work around the situation....and consider having your parents talk to his.
The "romantic memories" are deeply rooted within you because he's the first and only relationship you've ever been in. But you also have to think with your head and not just your heart. There may be romantic moments.....but if there are more unhappy moments in the relationship than happy ones....and if you feel that there are more negatives than positives......and if you feel that there are issues with compromise and control (where certain things are being imposed on you)............then I don't think I would go through with this. The few romantic moments......as pleasant as they may have been......are going to be of little importance if there are going to be huge issues to contend with down the road.
Not trying to discourage you. I'd advise you to talk to him about your goals....discuss options and compromises.....get your parents involved......before making a decision.
Princess121, i feel bad for the guy. May God save him from yourself. He don't deserve you.
Troll harder.
Also Princess I'd pay attention to RV's advice. She makes a lot of reasonable points. Just reading through what you're saying gives me the impression that you both are world's apart. And hate to break it to you but he is not your real love. No. Don't let social conditioning lead you on that road. You want him yeah, you like him yeah, you feel for him yeah but love is awfully strong a word to apply in this particular scenario. My two fils.
Also Princess I'd pay attention to RV's advice. She makes a lot of reasonable points. Just reading through what you're saying gives me the impression that you both are world's apart. And hate to break it to you but he is not your real love. No. Don't let social conditioning lead you on that road. You want him yeah, you like him yeah, you feel for him yeah but love is awfully strong a word to apply in this particular scenario. My two fils.
What you were when you met at age 14 is not what you will be for the rest of your life. You will mature, develop and want to experience life.
In my experience, when you have to change everything about yourself to be with someone...you end up resenting them eventually. Its a different thing if its a bad habit. But the basic things that make you who you are...should not be compromised just because someone else has a problem with it.
You're young and have the world at your fingertips. IMHO, this is not love...this is aadat.
Talk to him and tell him what you want and try to convince him to work with you on this.
Princess121, i feel bad for the guy. May God save him from you. He don't deserve you.
Poor guy :(
His friends used to say that a lot to him..
To everyone else, thank you for your opinions. I guess he's also like my best friend so it's really difficult for me to break out of this relationship. This is why I honestly believe arranged marriages are better - at least your heart isn't tangled up in the mess so you can think it through logically!
It's just such a clash of cultures Sometimes I feel like I'm on a different planet to him He doesn't mind coming to the UK for a while but eventually he wants to settle in pakistan because he feels the responsibility of his parents and siblings there.
Becoming a doctor is definitely my passion in life. It's something I honestly genuinely enjoy more than any other career or experience, despite all the disadvantages that come with it (stress, hard work, long hours etc). But he just doesn't like it because of the hours etc. He told me that none of the ladies in the upper class in Pakistan work.. and I was like.. but why does that apply to me?
He has treated me really really well up till now and I know he's a genuine honest person. His influence is really strong on me. When I was applying to university, he told me to go to one particular place and even though I initially didn't want to, I did it. I spent the whole of the first term totally regretting my decision and it's only now I'm slowly coming to terms with it (qadr of Allah) but this is exactly what I don't want happening regarding all of my other decisions in my life. I listen to him so readily that I would have actually not gone to medschool if it wasnt for the fact I had already applied by the time he told me.
Just typing this is making me feel so upset. I honestly feel trapped between a genuine guy who is the only person I've ever imagined being with vs. everything else that makes up my life
He's not the only guy in the world just because he's your first 'love'...if that, at 14. Seems to me like you guys have not a lot in common and you're just with him because...oh I dunno, maybe he provides you security or he's an insurance. Sorry if that seems harsh but yeah.
Get on with your life, you're doing med! You'll meet tons of people and I'm sure some of them will make pretty fit doctors ;)
Oh please, this "first love" "childhood sweethearts" thing is all Bs.
From everything you stated, its a recipe for disaster. You know yourself that he's not the one for you, why else would you have gotten scared and ended things so many times only to go back to him? You're just used to him but you know you're not right for each other.
^just asking...and maybe you're just panicking..two different people can get married and live happily as long as both are accepting and give the other space. u know your situation best and your post is solely based on materialistic things. is he working on making a career? so just evaluate and end it if need be, before things become solid. a lot of pakistani guys jsut want to get married for the sake of it and then they think everything falls into place or perhaps they can "control" the girl.
I am replying because I know someone who was in your situation, She was engaged to someone when she was 14 and spent alot of time and invested a great deal of emotion in her fiancee but as they grew older and they found that their goals and ideals slowly changed and were taking different directions. At 19 you are still extremely young, you have your whole life ahead of you an amazing and wonderful life.
He hasnt lied or made out that your life with him will be exactly how you want it, he has explained to you what he and his family expect from his wife, He wants his wife to match the ideals of his family. In certain classes in pakistan, girls education is all very well thought of however to actually go out and work in frowned upon because thats what teh great unwashed do. I suggest you delay the rishta going ahead for a while, maybe a year or so and in the meantime have a good think about what you want from your life and if you can make the sacrifice. Marriage is very difficult at the best of times. Good luck
Go with your gut, do istikhara and really ask yourself what you want to do with your life first.
Whatever you do, do not get swept up into a decision because everyone else around is happy with it.
They're happy because they assume you are. If you're not happy, then you know what you need to do.
I agree with this, your gut instinct & istikhara will be a comfort to you. The second parts are perhaps harder to do. Also, the amount of work it takes to get into med school & the chunk of yourself you give to it ,it would feel pretty bad not to be able to practice. You do have to decide where your priorities lie, although they will change as you progress, trust me. Inshallah, all will fall into place when the time is right, but think about what is most important to you, as your personal aims have to be considered.
@ Firenze: Seriously now why is it that he needs to be saved from me?
To everyone else thankyou for your input I really appreciate it. I'm considering telling him I need a long break like for a year to think things through properly (and also just to live my life normally without so much anxiety!). Reha, what you said really touched me and Sam that is so true about ideals and directions changing. I feel better that you know someone in a similar situation Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one!
Becoming a doctor is definitely my passion in life. It's something I honestly genuinely enjoy more than any other career or experience, despite all the disadvantages that come with it (stress, hard work, long hours etc). But he just doesn't like it because of the hours etc. He told me that none of the ladies in the upper class in Pakistan work.. and I was like.. but why does that apply to me?
If that is the only reason u could always open ur own clinic or something and work the hours you choose to.. If his reasons are ideological obviously that's more problematic..
Is he conservative in general? You need to get a clear idea on his views about things before u make such a huge leap into marriage and a move to Pakistan as well as the whole living with inlaws situation (you might struggle as u've already mentioned it's possible you'd feel 'suffocated' and these feelings could become even more intense if you're not working and stuck at home all day with them)..
