Re: help please!
wow that was harsh, and i didn’t have any mazak with you, not good .. :nono:
Re: help please!
I read your post before the weekend and just could not stop thinking about it the whole time. I didn't reply coz honestly i was so upset by reading it, i didn't want to say anything then.
If you put yourself in out shoes reading your post, honestly what would be your reply? Would you like your teenage sister to be dating a guy who has already finished college?
Had you been 21 and he 29, it would a whole different matter. Would you parents think of him to be a nice guy if they knew that he approached you when you were only 14?
You are an intelligent girl, in spite of all your defenses, there is just something that seems to be slightly off. And its not only the age, your work. It is not like as soon as you get married you’re going to be popping babies. Maybe you would want to work the first few years if he says not to that as well, what then?
Maybe you want to go out with your cousins/friends on a bi-weekly basis to socialize but he does not want to, what then ?
You have to tell us a little more about him. Does he work, what kind of family does he come from, are they open minded, are they similar to your family’s way of thinking. How do you feel about settling down in Pak. What about they way you dress? Since you mentioned about the communication issue, does he speak English ?
I read that you have already broken up with him. So now your next step is to keep at this decision. So there is no rebound for at least a year or two.
Go out and explore. Not go on a dating spree, but just, rediscover yourself. Concentrate more on your studies. Spend more time outdoors, more time with family friends and relatives. Go watch movies, have wonderful lunches and dinners. Take up a hobby. Keep yourself busy so you don’t have time to miss him. You are only 19. Practically a baby. There is so much for you to do. Once you get a little older when you have experienced much more you will understand your decision of separating from him. Or it could also be that you discover that he is the right one. But give it some time.
Re: help please!
I read your post before the weekend and just could not stop thinking about it the whole time. I didn't reply coz honestly i was so upset by reading it, i didn't want to say anything then.
If you put yourself in out shoes reading your post, honestly what would be your reply? Would you like your teenage sister to be dating a guy who has already finished college? Had you been 21 and he 29, it would a whole different matter. Would you parents think of him to be a nice guy if they knew that he approached you when you were only 14?
You are an intelligent girl, in spite of all your defenses, there is just something that seems to be slightly off. And its not only the age, your work. It is not like as soon as you get married you’re going to be popping babies. Maybe you would want to work the first few years if he says not to that as well, what then?
Maybe you want to go out with your cousins/friends on a bi-weekly basis to socialize but he does not want to, what then ?
You have to tell us a little more about him. Does he work, what kind of family does he come from, are they open minded, are they similar to your family’s way of thinking. How do you feel about settling down in Pak. What about they way you dress? Since you mentioned about the communication issue, does he speak English ?
I read that you have already broken up with him. So now your next step is to keep at this decision. So there is no rebound for at least a year or two.
Go out and explore. Not go on a dating spree, but just, rediscover yourself. Concentrate more on your studies. Spend more time outdoors, more time with family friends and relatives. Go watch movies, have wonderful lunches and dinners. Take up a hobby. Keep yourself busy so you don’t have time to miss him. You are only 19. Practically a baby. There is so much for you to do. Once you get a little older when you have experienced much more you will understand your decision of separating from him. Or it could also be that you discover that he is the right one. But give it some time.
I typed up a whole reply and then lost it when I refreshed the page. But anyway here's for round two..
Thankyou for showing concern I really appreciate it which is why I think I should reply. It may sound like a pathetic rant so I'm sorry in advance
He told me that the reason he approached me then was because his love for me was so strong that he couldn't help himself.. even before that day I had noticed since arriving in pak for the past week that he liked me (female intuition).. but he has come to regret it because of the immaturity I've shown and apparently still do
He told me how when I tried to break up with him he wouldn't be able to eat, sleep or study so he didnt do well in some univ exams.. He'd feel quite down and depressed and couldn't understand my concerns (i'd come up with excuses as to why we shouldnt be together) and so he feels like he wasted his youth away
No he doesn't work but he is actively looking for work.. He said how he felt a lot of pressure to provide a decent home and lifestyle for me.. so he turned down earlier career opportunities.. which he now regrets..
He speaks English which I understand fine. He finds my British accent difficult to understand but we managed somehow
Besides me working as a doctor, he's fine with socialising or doing whatever I wana do He said he wasnt compeltely against the idea of me working.. but not as a doctor I think he's open minded.. but his family.. I'm not so sure about
The problem is that although his univ life was in lahore, his family are based in a village.. and though I respect them there are certain issues that I find difficult to deal with. He told me that I wouldn't have to live in a village.. but at this moment in time there is no other home.. I dislike how women are treated Little things bother me like how his sole sister works around the clock serving the family in housework.. Of course I admire her energy.. but I find it a problem when the males do absolutely nada even if they're not working during the day..Right now me and my brother can stand side by side washing and drying dishes.. but there that would be considered the height of shame on me.. I don't want my kids to be grown up in that environment.
But despite all this he was trying his best to make something of himself.. and provide the most luxurious lifestyle for me.. and I appreciate that..
I feel heartbroken. He was the only guy who could make me laugh in an instant. We would turn to each other for support whenever we felt down. Today, I broke down in tears and couldn't help myself calling him.. but he hung up without answering the call.. I knew I shouldn't have but it's hard to move on The most frightening thing for me right now is yeh I'm young and I can spend another few years carefree.. but he's older and has refused so many rishtas already for me.. what if he now accepts one of them..
Re: help please!
^ Istikhara is your answer. InshAllah it'll work out the best way for both of you.
Re: help please!
I typed up a whole reply and then lost it when I refreshed the page. But anyway here's for round two..
Thankyou for showing concern I really appreciate it which is why I think I should reply. It may sound like a pathetic rant so I'm sorry in advance
He told me that the reason he approached me then was because his love for me was so strong that he couldn't help himself.. even before that day I had noticed since arriving in pak for the past week that he liked me (female intuition).. but he has come to regret it because of the immaturity I've shown and apparently still do
He told me how when I tried to break up with him he wouldn't be able to eat, sleep or study so he didnt do well in some univ exams.. He'd feel quite down and depressed and couldn't understand my concerns (i'd come up with excuses as to why we shouldnt be together) and so he feels like he wasted his youth away
No he doesn't work but he is actively looking for work.. He said how he felt a lot of pressure to provide a decent home and lifestyle for me.. so he turned down earlier career opportunities.. which he now regrets..
Oh my God, he was in love wiht a 14 year old?
he said you've been immature and how YOU ruined his life and his ruined his youth and turned down career opportunities because of you--making you feel guilty and responsible for everything.
Besides me working as a doctor, he's fine with socialising or doing whatever I wana do He said he wasnt compeltely against the idea of me working.. but not as a doctor I think he's open minded.. but his family.. I'm not so sure about
Let me tell you one thing, that will benefit you in the future. Any guy who has a serious problem with something that is so important to yoU (i.e. becomign a doctor), will have problems with everything else as well. When they say they dont care about other stuff--eventually they will, and they will try to stop you from doing all those things.
The problem is that although his univ life was in lahore, his family are based in a village.. and though I respect them there are certain issues that I find difficult to deal with. He told me that I wouldn't have to live in a village.. but at this moment in time there is no other home.. I dislike how women are treated Little things bother me like how his sole sister works around the clock serving the family in housework.. Of course I admire her energy.. but I find it a problem when the males do absolutely nada even if they're not working during the day..Right now me and my brother can stand side by side washing and drying dishes.. but there that would be considered the height of shame on me.. I don't want my kids to be grown up in that environment.
But despite all this he was trying his best to make something of himself.. and provide the most luxurious lifestyle for me.. and I appreciate that..
You don't have to apologize to that. You dont want to end up a slave in someone else's house, you have every right to not want that for yourself.
I feel heartbroken. He was the only guy who could make me laugh in an instant. We would turn to each other for support whenever we felt down. Today, I broke down in tears and couldn't help myself calling him.. but he hung up without answering the call.. I knew I shouldn't have but it's hard to move on The most frightening thing for me right now is yeh I'm young and I can spend another few years carefree.. but he's older and has refused so many rishtas already for me.. what if he now accepts one of them..
I know its going to hurt so much right now...but you have to immerse yourself in other activities...i dont know how to advise you to get over a breakup but you can definitely get advice from others here.
You are lucky in that you're still young and you can bounce back. You dont' have to settle for this loser because you're being pressured to marry b/c of age or whatever...I know you're scared of what the future but inshallah everything will be alright.
Re: help please!
^GO SARA!!!
You can pray Istikhara for guidance...it can give you peace of mind. At the same time...I agree with Sara...it sounds like him just putting the blame on you for a lot of things that he could have controlled. Sounds like him giving you the guilt trip....so that you'll feel bad. And I have a feeling this is a regular pattern in your relationship....you end it....he gives you the guilt trip....you run back to him. You decided to take a break....now don't call him....it makes it look like you don't believe in your own ideas/opinions.
Re: help please!
Let view things in a supportive way , shall we.
H*e told me that the reason he approached me then was because his love for me was so strong that he couldn't help himself.. even before that day I had noticed since arriving in pak for the past week that he liked me (female intuition).. but he has come to regret it because of the immaturity I've shown and apparently still do*
Ok, well we will put aside the age thing and give it the benefit. Things are not always black and white. There are some situations and decisions that we make that cannot be explained to the third party. I know. I’ve been in that situation. Practically went cuckoo. I thought the pain would never end. But surely and steadily it did. Time really does cure everything.
I]He told me how when I tried to break up with him he wouldn't be able to eat, sleep or study so he didnt do well in some univ exams.. He'd feel quite down and depressed and couldn't understand my concerns (i'd come up with excuses as to why we shouldnt be together) and so he feels like he wasted his youth away*
There is a reason why parents tell their kids not to date while still in school coz it’s a distraction.
Obviously you guys have been together for soo long that whenever you told him that its over he would have been hurt. Humans are creature of habit. After a while of being together, you cannot imagine life without him or her. You get scared that how will it be without him/her cause you are so used to each other. And I can bet you all my jewelry that surely at least some of the things he says to you is exaggerated. Well coz guys just do that. He will get over you, coz he is a guy. All he has to do is tell him mom to find him a wife.
No he doesn't work but he is actively looking for work. He said how he felt a lot of pressure to provide a decent home and lifestyle for me.. so he turned down earlier career opportunities. which he now regrets..
He is 27 and doesn’t work? Did he ever work or is it just now. Well, I’m sure he feels the pressure coz the reality of it is that you in all probability have a better lifestyle than him. “There is a saying that when you marry your son, his wife should come from a neecha ghar. But when you marry your daughter it should be to uncha ghar”. This just makes adjustment easier. Marriage is as it is so difficult that when there is not enough money, it just leads to bitterness. But you said he is well educated so I am sure eventually it wouldn’t have been a problem.
He speaks English which I understand fine. He finds my British accent difficult to understand but we managed somehow
I am a bit curious, how did u guys afford so many long distance calls over the years. Is your family well off, I assume coz u go to med school and that can’t be cheap. Who calls, him or you? And how did u guys sustain a long distance relationship. People seem very different on the phone than in person. How much time have you guys actually spent together like in person with each other? Have you seen him on a day to day basis? Have you seen hi with friends, family how he behaves than?
B*esides me working as a doctor, he's fine with socializing or doing whatever I wana do He said he wasn’t completely against the idea of me working.. but not as a doctor I think he's open minded.. but his family.. I'm not so sure about*
Ok so he doesn’t mind you working. Fine. But his family does. I’m sure if you really wanted to work he would be able to explain it to him family and they wouldn’t have a problem with it. But what if he couldn't. Besides i think he should be proud if you became a doctor and not the other way around.
The problem is that although his univ life was in lahore, his family are based in a village.. and though I respect them there are certain issues that I find difficult to deal with. He told me that I wouldn't have to live in a village.. but at this moment in time there is no other home.. I dislike how women are treated Little things bother me like how his sole sister works around the clock serving the family in housework.. Of course I admire her energy.. but I find it a problem when the males do absolutely nada even if they're not working during the day..Right now me and my brother can stand side by side washing and drying dishes.. but there that would be considered the height of shame on me.. I don't want my kids to be grown up in that environment.
Why only villages, these things happen in cities too and even in the west. These are the things that every girls worried about. But I guess after marriage it will be upto you to change that. Your boyfriend should know that he is marrying a strong women and should expect this. He should know what are your ideas, your aims for your children in the future.
But despite all this he was trying his best to make something of himself.. and provide the most luxurious lifestyle for me.. and I appreciate that..
I appreciate that too.
*I feel heartbroken. He was the only guy who could make me laugh in an instant. We would turn to each other for support whenever we felt down. Today, I broke down in tears and couldn't help myself calling him.. but he hung up without answering the call.. I knew I shouldn't have but it's hard to move on The most frightening thing for me right now is yeh I'm young and I can spend another few years carefree.. but he's older and has refused so many rishtas already for me.. what if he now accepts one of them..
[/QUOTE]
*
Oh sweety, why did u call him. I understand it can be difficult, but you have to be strong. If you call hm, he will think you need him and you will be right at the begining. Now that you have chosen your path, you have to walk it too. Give it a year. Give your life a chance. Don't just assume the worst and make a comfortable choice just coz you dont know what the future holds.
You see why everyone was so focused on the age factor. Coz it matters. You are at the beginning and he is half way there. When there is less age difference you walk on a similar path. Your aims and goals are similar.
You obviously felt something was not right in this relationship. When there are so many things going against it I understand your need to find ways to mend things. But there shouldn’t be soo many issues in a relationship. And your life at 19 shouldn’t be so difficult.**
Re: help please!
Any helpful advice please?
If it has come to this point that you needed to put these concerns out, then likely you are looking for a way out. If it has started to scare you, believe in your fears!
Re: help please!
Salam everyone
So I was asked to do an update on this drama of my life. And I thought I'd just let you all know how much I appreciate the role of GS in helping me. The advice and thoughts of every single person was SO touching and important to me. Many of them I actualy memorised I read so many times lol. I know a lot of people post on this site with their problems and I think it's important to remember that a lot of them are genuine, and the words that you type may actually bring about great change in a person's life as it did with mine.
Following this thread, I had many more arguments with my ex. I found a profile of his on a dating / porn site. We argued and argued and everytime one of us tried to patch it up the other one was too angry to agree and it carried on. I was still greatly under his influence though, and was latched onto him emotionally. At the same time I was sick and tired of everything and wanted something to finish it all indefinitely. Therefore I sent him a link to this thread (!!!) For someone as weak and submissive as myself that was a crazy thing to do. I guess I wanted him to know how I felt cuz I'd never be able to communicate on that level with him. I also wanted him to see how others viewed our relationship. His pride was ofcourse fatally injured as I expected. He did send me emails explaining his perspective on things like our age difference, my future career and the other issues but they weren't compromising at all. As I had expected, after reading this thread he decided he'd never marry me. I carried on for a bit saying I'm sorry, calling him etc but he just hung up on me. I think his coldness was what I needed at that point - to give me strength to move on.
Breaking up with someone is a really strange experience. I almost feel like a had an unofficial divorce. I reached a point where my heart just turned completely away from him. I don't hate him but I just don't feel anything for him. He's like a stranger to me, and I guess in a sense he always was a stranger. I don't believe in pyar, romance, and all that stuff now. I'm not particularly interested in marriage right now either. I'm young and I'm happy alhamdulillah!
Looking back, I can see our relationship was so so so creepy and disgusting. There was stuff that we used to do that now makes me shiver when I think about it. Spiritually I feel a LOT better. My connection with Allah has definitely strengthed now that I don't have this guilt on my shoulders. I am actively working on my confidence and self esteem. I'm getting a lot more involved in voluntary organisations and university societies - I want to be a active citizen, helping people especially Muslims. I want to make a change in people's lives and not be the submissive meek housewife he wanted me to be.
I'm not one to preach, but to all those out there who are having a relationship before / outside of marriage, my advise is it's so not worth it. I was the most deeply in love person you'd ever have met and this is how it ended up. Marriage is worth fighting for, this most certainly isn't. To anyone who is in a relationship that in any way relates to mine, I hope you gain strentgh and inspiration from the advise given in this thread.
Sorry for the essay. :) Besk of luck, Princess xxx
Re: help please!
Princess121: We always here to help you out and will provide you best opinion.
Re: help please!
awww yay. im glad things worked out for you and thanks for the update. :)
Re: help please!
Sounds to me like you made the right decision.
Re: help please!
Sounds to me like you made the right decision.
Yeah. she did right decision.
Re: help please!
Princess…I am so proud of you! 